


sapphire

by lowkeyamen



Series: solitaire platinum [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Blowjobs, Fingering, Gender Dysphoria, Getting Together, Lies, M/M, Multi, PTSD, Past Abuse, Pole Dancing, Polyamory, Relationship Negotiation, Rimming, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, Smut, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Trans Character, Transphobia, Vaginal Fingering, communication problems, mild stalking, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-07-05 11:42:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 93,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15862935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowkeyamen/pseuds/lowkeyamen
Summary: Sicheng's fascination with Jaehyun Jung's personal life results in him learning to pole dance and in turn falling for a very bitchy stripper.





	1. instagram

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back!!  
> i was gonna a wait a little longer to post the next part of this series but, well,,,,i couldn't
> 
> this is sicheng's back story!! this is a whole new storyline for anyone that read the original version of this series bc i wanted to throw another character in there and here he is!! my baby sicheng :')
> 
> this fic is looking like it's gonna be a long one so buckle up and get ready for some sweet lies and secrets and ANGST and maybe some smut if i'm feeling nice uwu

 

 

 

_Sapphire_

_said to see through any facade, lie or secret. helps one be honest and let go of the past while promoting self-love and confidence._

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Oh my god!"

Sicheng gasped as a notification popped up on his phone screen. 

[jaehyunjung has posted a new photo]

"What? What's wrong?" Renjun popped his head around the doorway to the living room, hoping to god Sicheng hadn't hurt himself, or broken anything. Again. 

"Jaehyun just posted a picture on Instagram!" Sicheng fumbled with his phone, excitement pooling in his stomach as he raced to open it. "Oh god, he looks so good fucking kill me."

Renjun wrinkled his nose in disgust. How the fuck was Sicheng three years older than him? Honestly, what had his parents been thinking sending him to England to live with his idiot cousin? _'You'll be able to learn a new language, this is an amazing opportunity! Sicheng will look after you, don't_ _worry.'_ Please. He felt like the elder's carer. 

Sicheng smiled to himself as he screenshotted the picture - Jaehyun had a tendency to delete things within seconds and not knowing what that group of pixels was absolutely killed Sicheng - before liking and leaving a cute little comment among Jaehyun's one point something million other fans.  

It was a pretty cute picture, simple, but adorable. Jaehyun was sat in a restaurant, a bowl of chicken wings in the middle of the table, no doubt to share with whoever was taking the photo. He was smiling, of course, Jaehyun was always smiling, those fucking dimples of his burrowing into his cheeks. Ugh. What Sicheng wouldn't give to just dip his tongue in one of them. God, yes. 

He zoomed in on the picture, really taking it all in. Jaehyun's eyes always looked so bright. So sparkly. His Instagram was full of pictures of him looking directly at the camera as if he was completely in love with it, which meant he was either incredible when it came to fanservice, because right now Sicheng felt like he could be there eating those wings with Jaehyun just from the way he was looking at him through the screen, or he was madly in love with whoever was taking the picture. 

And it was probably the latter. This was Jaehyun Jung for god's sake, there was  _no way_  he could possibly be single. 

He did wonder about who his significant other was, though. Sicheng knew fine well Jaehyun was into guys, he had mentioned it in interviews before, but had always been notoriously secretive about his love life. There had always been rumours, sure, about him being in a relationship with other models he had been pictured with, but nothing ever seemed to stick. Jaehyun was pretty good at covering his tracks. 

But Sicheng knew he had someone. He just knew it. The majority of pictures on his Instagram were clearly taken by someone else. 

It wasn't a photographer, he knew that much, because despite how breathtakingly amazing Jaehyun looked in every photo, they clearly were not professionally done. Probably taken on an iPhone. 

He was pretty sure it wasn't just a friend, either. Surely if it were he would occasionally post selfies with them or maybe even credit them like _'hey out for lunch with @xxx'._ But that was never the case, so Sicheng was fairly sure it was a boyfriend. 

And he was determined to find out who. 

It's not like he was  _jealous_ or anything. Well, okay maybe he was because this guy was banging Jaehyun Jung. Like. He got to sit on  _the_ Jaehyun Jung's dick on a regular basis. That was a fucking honour. But realistically he knew it would never happen for him. He was just one of the millions of people that liked Jaehyun's photos every day. Just a sad little photography student with too much time on his hands because he never really went to any of his lectures. They were boring. There was only so much you could learn about pressing a button. The camera did most of the work for him. 

So, instead, he put his time into...investigating Jaehyun's private life. He wouldn't call it  _stalking_ per se, more...taking an interest. 

He went back onto the models profile, just to see if anything had changed - other than his amount of followers which were growing rapidly. He checked his tagged pictures, just to make sure they had all come from fan accounts and none were personal pictures from friends he had never seen. There was just one - behind the scenes of some shoot Jaehyun had done. He screenshotted it and added it to his collection before pressing back. 

Everything looked about the same...apart from- was he following more people now? He could have sworn it was only 34 the other day and now there were 38? Interesting. He  _had_  to check. 

Usually Jaehyun would just follow a new model he'd gotten close to or a photographer or whatever. Social media was all about networking for someone like him. 

But these accounts...they were different. 

Okay, so one was a makeup artist. @jungwookim.mua. That was pretty normal; Sicheng would expect that from Jaehyun. But the others? Not so much. 

@doyoung96. This account only had about four hundred followers. Even Sicheng had more than that. Why would Jaehyun follow someone so...unimportant if they weren't actually friends? Or more.  

Sicheng's lips curled into a smile as he went to snoop. This guy was pretty cute, he guessed, kinda...well, average and wore tan way too often for Sicheng's liking but he'd give him a solid seven. He and Jaehyun were around the same age. Maybe they went to school together or something. That'd make sense. When he imagined Jaehyuns boyfriend it definitely wasn't this guy. 

He decided to delve deeper, into who this 'Doyoung' was following. 

Oh. 

Okay this definitely wasn't Jaehyuns boyfriend. 

The blonde smirked to himself. Wow. This kid was exactly the type of guy he spent most of his time avoiding on campus. Out of the hundred or so people he was following about six of them were male. And a lot were...glamour models. Adult actresses. Yeah, let's call them that. 

Okay, so that was him struck off the list. 

Next. @x10x

"Woah." Sicheng gasped out under his breath. This guy was...gorgeous. He had stunning eyes that seemed to be a different colour in every picture. He had sun kissed skin that seemed to glow no matter what lighting he was in. His ears were littered with silver; some through places Sicheng didn't even realise could be pierced. He had a slender, toned body that wrapped perfectly around the pole as-

Wait. 

Sicheng had been so absorbed in how attractive this guy was he hadn't even realised that he'd been watching him pole dance for the last ten minutes. 

What the fuck?

Why was Jaehyun following a stripper? Pole dancing and stripping were the same thing, right? Fuck if Sicheng knew. Did he  _look_  like he spent a lot of time in strip clubs? 

This seemed...weird. Like, from a publicity point of view. Don't get him wrong, Sicheng had absolutely no problem with how other people made their money, hell if he wasn't built like a bus ticket he would be more than happy to twirl around a pole while men threw money at him, but he had difficulty carrying more than three text books at once. 

But...it seemed weird that Jaehyun would publicly follow this guy. Not everyone was as understanding as Sicheng. 

Would Jaehyun date a stripper though? It's not like he had ever been photographed by the paparazzi near any strip clubs so...it did seem kinda of unlikely. There was the chance that maybe they knew each other in a different way. He was sure there was more to this guy than just swinging around a pole and taking his clothes off, but...

He wasn't sure. 

He put @x10x in the 'maybe' pile for now. 

Last new account. @ty___95. 

_'This account is private. Follow this account to see their photos and videos.'_

Well, that was a massive inconvenience. 

Sicheng  _hated_  private accounts. They made his fanboy life  _so_  fucking hard. Imagine all the juicy pictures of Jaehyun that could be hidden in there? This 'TY', which was the only info given in his bio, only had 15 followers. Fifteen! This was him. This  _had_  to be Jaehyun's boyfriend. 

Sicheng's heart leapt. Had he found him? Okay, seriously. Why the  _fuck_  else would Jaehyun follow a  _private_ account with only  _fourteen_  other followers. He just wouldn't. This was him. The love of Jaehyun's life. 

He went back to double check over the other accounts, following them all because, well, why not? What did he have to lose? He stuck notifications on for their posts too, just in case. 

After snooping a little more he realised they all followed one another. The makeup artist and the stripper and this mysterious TY, they were all mutuals. Well, sort of, that straight one only seemed to follow Jaehyun and Jungwoo. Maybe he wasn't as involved as the others... But, the rest of them, they  _must_  all know one another and the fact that Jaehyun followed them all at the same time, well; it was all too much for Sicheng's little fan boy heart to take. 

He felt like he had hit the jackpot. Something was going on here, he could just feel it. These guys were all connected to Jaehyun in some way and he was determined to find out how. 

And he figured he'd start by requesting to follow @ty___95 ...On his secret account made especially for sleuthing, obviously. He wasn't stupid. 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Sicheng actually quite enjoyed university. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be, but that could be due to the fact he had picked a fairly easy degree that involved no exams or studying, and very little effort. 

It just so happened that he was also following his passion. Things just tended to line up for Sicheng like that. Perfectly. 

Maybe it was because he was dealt such a shit card at the very start of his life, this was the universes way of making up for things. 

He was sat in the IT suite, touching up some photos for the assignment that was due in tomorrow. He had only taken the pictures hours ago because what was the point in spending weeks organising some ridiculous photo shoot when he knew he could go out and get some pictures of trees and get the exact same marks if he bullshitted his way through it enough?

Plus, he had more important things to do. Like tweet. 

Sicheng didn't like to brag, but he liked to consider himself a little twitter famous. He had an account with a fairly large following, and he was known as  _the_  number one source of information on up and coming British models and Instagram famous people. That was his life. ~~Stalking~~...Following people online. 

And he considered himself pretty good at it. 

If this photography thing went down the pan he was pretty sure he'd have a successful career as a private investigator or something. Sicheng was just really good at finding stuff out about people. 

But there was one person that had always eluded him. Jaehyun Jung. 

It was no secret that Jaehyun was his favourite, that he wasn't a complete fanboy. When he wasn't gossiping about celebrities on twitter, he was drooling over Jaehyun's latest picture or rambling on about how badly he wanted the model to fuck his face. 

But no matter how deep he delved he could never seem to find out that much about him. 

It was annoying, to say the least. 

He had been checking up on Jaehyun's  _friends_. That's what he was calling them, anyway. He followed everyone Jaehyun did on his secret account in the hope one of them would post something about him, but these three he took a particular interest in. 

TY still hadn't accepted his follow request, which he wasn't all too surprised about. The guy had fifteen followers and a private account; he clearly wasn't on Instagram for the fame. 

He didn't get a whole lot from Doyoung either, he never really posted anything of interest, despite the fact he always seemed to be on Instagram liking pictures of busty women and shitty memes Sicheng didn't understand. 

He had noticed, however, that when ever he did post something that could be useful, it involved that makeup artist, Jungwoo. They seemed a weird pair, but who was Sicheng to judge? He was stalking people he'd never met before online. 

He had originally discounted Jungwoo, figuring Jaehyun following a makeup artist wasn't all that suspicious. But something was telling him they were closer than that. Jungwoo would post cryptic pictures; the shoulder of someone's jacket, videos of his shoes and someone else's as they walked. He wanted to post pictures  _with_ someone, but it was like he couldn't reveal who it was. 

Sicheng knew though. He knew it was Jaehyun. 

He recognised that t-shirt he wore in his Instagram story, he could just about make out a soft laugh at the end of the video that was undoubtedly Jaehyun. 

So why the secrecy? Surely hanging out with Jaehyun Jung is something someone would brag about, especially on social media. It was a guaranteed follow boost. 

It made no sense for Jungwoo to keep this on the down low. Sure, it had Sicheng interested, but that's because he knew more than others did. He could spot a Jaehyun-related post a mile off, but he knew it wouldn't be obvious to most other people. The whole thing just seemed...odd. 

Maybe Jungwoo was his boyfriend. 

But then there was Ten. He'd do the same - but his pictures were a lot less subtle than Jungwoo's. They were obviously of Jaehyun; even someone who wasn't an extreme fanboy would be able to pick up on that. He'd post pictures holding the models hand, and Jaehyun always wore the same three rings, so it was obvious it was him. He'd post pictures of them cuddled up in bed together, faces obscured, but Sicheng knew it was them anyway. He wasn't stupid. 

Although, sometimes the vague pictures Ten would post wouldn't look like Jaehyun. Their frames were smaller, hair colours different. Jaehyun had never had pink or green hair, but Ten seemed to post similar pictures with someone like that. It was weird. Nothing seemed to add up here, but he was determined to piece it all together. 

He just had to get closer somehow. 

Somehow...

He found himself re-watching one of Ten's videos as he thought. The way he twisted around that pole was so...graceful. Sicheng had always thought pole dancing was considered sordid, something for dirty old men to get off on. But it actually looked really hard, it must take some serious core strength to stay up like that, but ten seemed to pull it off effortlessly. 

Sicheng would be lying if he said he wasn't completely enamoured with the dark haired dancer. He almost wished he could do something like that. 

Unless...

Nah, that was stupid. Ten wouldn't give him lessons, right? He couldn't just message this random guy he'd been stalking on Instagram to ask that, could he? 

It could help him get in, though. Into Jaehyun's inner circle. He could find out what the connection between the two of them was. He could...

He had to do this. What did he have to lose? The worst that could happen is Ten could say no and that'd be that. He'd have to find another route, but right now this was the best idea he'd had, so he might as well go for it. Plus, he might learn something new in the process. 

@winwin97: OMG i love ur dancing, do u do lessons by any chance??

Sicheng smiled at his own genius as he pressed send. Now all he needed was a reply. 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"What the fuck?"

"Hm?" Jaehyun looked up from his phone at his boyfriend. He had his head in Ten's lap, the two of them chilling on the sofa in near silence, simply enjoying one another's company. Until Ten spoke up, anyway. 

"Someone just messaged me asking for dance lessons."

Jaehyun quirked an eyebrow, sitting up so he could see for himself. Wow. Someone actually had. 

"That's good, right? You always told me you'd love to choreograph or teach dance."

"Yeah, but..." Ten wasn't quite sure how to respond to something like this. No one, besides Jungwoo, and that was just for fun really, had never asked him to teach them anything. He didn't exactly feel qualified. 

Plus, meeting new people terrified him. 

"It's a good opportunity, princess." Jaehyun could sense Ten's apprehension from the way he played with the fire opal around his neck. "Who knows, maybe you could actually start up your own classes once you have a bit of experience."

Ten hummed to himself. That sounded nice. That way he could finally quit stripping. He didn't enjoy it quite as much as he used to. 

"What if he's a weirdo?"

"You could teach him at the club, right? I'm sure Kun would let you. Or you could bring him here."

Ten's eyes widened. There was no way he was bringing a stranger into their house. This was his safe place, and he wanted it to stay that way. 

"I'll see if Kun will let me do it at work." Tens eyes focused back on his phone, hoping to get a better look at this guy from his Instagram pictures. He was...wow. 

"He's pretty cute."

Jaehyun rested his chin on Ten's shoulder, making a small noise of acknowledgment as he watched Ten scroll through this guy's account. He was pretty cute, actually. Strawberry blonde hair, wide eyes and a toothy smile. 

"He might get more than just dance tips from me."

Jaehyun scoffed, pushing Ten against the arm of the sofa, earning him a high pitched cackle from the elder. 

Ten never changed, did he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	2. cherry bomb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's just me again hello  
> things are still just warming up here, but they'll def heat up in the next chapter (even got a lil bit of smut in there uwu)  
> pls enjoy!!

Sicheng inhaled deeply; smoke filling his lungs as he squinted up at the sign in front of him. Cherry Bomb. He had no idea what that meant, but it seemed like a pretty apt name for a strip club. Maybe it was some kind of euphemism that went straight over his head because English wasn't his first language. 

He took another drag, wondering if smoking before a dance lesson was really that good of an idea. Pole dancing looked like it took a lot of work, and he probably wasn't doing himself any favours by hindering his lungs with all sorts of noxious chemicals. But he needed it. Sicheng was nervous. More so than usual, and that was saying something. 

Sicheng considered himself pretty confident, in certain aspects of life. Well, a very small handful of aspects. He was a nervous wreck the majority of the time, if he was being perfectly honest. 

But he had no problem moving across the world to a country where he was less than fluent in the language. He didn't even really mind talking to people he didn't know, despite the language barrier he had now gotten over. He may be a little shy to start with, but...it didn't exactly scare him. And he was more than confident in his work as a photographer. He knew he was good. 

But this was  _way_ out of his comfort zone. 

Now, anyway. 

Sicheng had loved dancing when he was younger. He loved being on stage and performing and the gasps from the audience as this tiny six-year-old flawlessly executed a back handspring. 

But that all changed when he hit puberty, because  _he_  started to change. His body started to change and it just didn't feel right. He didn't like people looking at him; he didn't like how people just  _knew_  what was going on under the baggy clothes he opted to wear to cover himself up. 

He began to shy away from the stage, because the outfits they expected him to wear as he got older changed. Tight fitting leotards covered in crystals that showed off the curves that knocked him sick. Floaty floral dresses that he figured probably looked really beautiful as he twirled but they made him feel so incredibly ugly he couldn't face going out in front of all of those people. The fact they liked him to keep his hair long so it could be tied up in a bun with a ridiculous bow perched on the back of his head. 

He soon began to hate everything about dancing because of the clothes he was expected to wear. Because he was expected to follow instead of lead because that's what girls do. 

But he wasn't a girl. He had always known that, and when he was younger it didn't seem to matter because no one could tell just by looking at him. He had always preferred his hair cropped short, and his parents allowed it because there was less to get in his way while he danced. They justified it by telling themselves that their only daughter was just a tomboy, that because she had been brought up in a male-dominant family she was just following their lead. That maybe it would be a good thing in the long run, it'd help her be successful when she grew into a beautiful young woman. 

But Sicheng had absolutely no intentions of growing into a beautiful young woman. He'd take the compliment of beautiful young man any day, sure. Handsome always sounded old fashioned to him. But there was no way he could carry on living as a girl. That just wasn't who he was. 

And that was one of his biggest motivations to move to the west for university. 

He had never told his parents, knowing there was no point. They'd never understand. People in China just wouldn't understand. He would always be Sixue to them, and he figured this was a much better alternative than a raging argument and ultimately being disowned or whatever. At least out here he could live how he wanted. How he felt comfortable. He'd never be able to do that back in China. 

But right now he didn't feel all too comfortable. 

What if they did some kind of move where he was upside down? What if his shirt fell because of the gravity and revealed his bound chest? How could he explain that one? Bulletproof vest? This wasn't Texas no one would buy it. 

Or worse. What if Ten wanted him to  _strip?_ That was his job, after all, right? What if he got the wrong end of the stick and thought Sicheng wanted to be a stripper. Oh god. What the fuck had he gotten himself into here? All this just to find out what Ten's relationship with Jaehyun was? Jesus Christ, this was a fucking mess. 

Maybe he could just leave before Ten got here. Just sneak away and never reply to any of his dms again. That could work. In fact, that's exactly what he was going to do because this was totally and utterly ridiculous, so-

"Sicheng, right?"

Fuck. 

"Did I pronounce that okay? Because my boss is Chinese and he tried to help me but, well he probably told me the wrong thing on purpose so I'd look stupid."

"N...No that's right." 

Wow. 

Ten was even more stunning in real life. Tiny, but stunning. 

He wouldn't be at all surprised if this was the guy Jaehyun was dating - he always knew it would be someone just as gorgeous as the model was. 

"Let's go, then."

Ten led Sicheng inside, smiling at Kun, who was sat at the bar going over figures. He was glad the elder had insisted on staying, not only to oversee his club but to make sure Ten wasn't on his own with a stranger. He knew how uncomfortable the dancer felt around people he didn't know, and he actually cared about his employees. 

"You ever danced before?"

"Just a bit when I was younger."

Ten hummed, shrugging his jacket off and throwing it over a nearby chair. He didn't really know where to start with all of this, but Sicheng was paying him, and this was a great opportunity. He had always dreamed of leaving stripping behind and going into something more...well, less sordid. Something that's he could actually make a career out of. 

"We should probably begin with stretching. Don't want to pull anything." Ten started, feet stepping further and further apart until he could touch the ground with his fingers without having to bend forward. His lips quirked up as Sicheng's jaw hung open. Despite everything, Ten could never get sick of the effect he had on men. The way their eyes lingered on him. So long as they kept their hands to themselves he was more than happy to be stared at. 

"Your turn." Ten smirked as Sicheng shifted awkwardly. Another thing he loved: making guys uncomfortable. He kind of liked having the upper hand; it made all his insecurities seem so insignificant when he was the one in control. 

The smile was soon wiped off of his face, however, when Sicheng slid down into a perfect, crotch-to-floor split. What the fuck?  _'Just a bit when I was younger.'_ Maybe this wasn't going to be as boring as he first thought. 

"Well, at least you're flexible." Ten smiled, lowering himself even further down into a split of his own. He couldn't let Sicheng out do him now, could he? "How's your upper body strength?"

"Not great." 

"That's fine, we can work on that." Ten leaned over to one side to touch his toes, Sicheng following his lead. "What made you want to learn to dance?"

Sicheng shrugged. _'Because I want to find out how close you are to Jaehyun Jung'_ probably wasn't the best answer to give. 

"I just think it looks good. I saw some of your videos online and, I dunno, I was impressed I guess."

"Impressed?" Ten smirked. This kid was kind of cute, in an awkward way, he'd give him that. The fact Sicheng was clearly nervous calmed Ten's own nerves. He liked having the upper hand in just about any situation. 

"Well, yeah, you're- you're good."

Good? He'd take good. 

"How did you find my Instagram, anyway?" Ten stood, doing a couple more stretches. He had a full shift after this, and the last thing he needed was to pull a muscle. "I'm not exactly famous."

Sicheng swallowed. Why hadn't he come up with a back story in advance? 

"I, uh- You were on my explore page." That seemed feasible.

"So you look at lots of videos of boys dancing around in barely anything, then?"

Sicheng flushed. Fuck. Everything about Ten made him nervous. He was just so...confident. It may be fake, a mask the elder wore to cover his insecurities, but he played the part so well Sicheng would never know. 

Sicheng wished he could be like that. 

Ten's eyes flickered Kun, his boss shaking his head softly. He was used to Ten's...ways, he almost felt sorry for the poor kid. Of all the dancers he could have chosen to go to for lessons, he picked the Rottweiler in a poodles clothing that was Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul. 

"Okay, enough talking. I'll show you what you'll be able to do by the time I'm done with you." Ten hoisted himself up onto the pole with such ease Sicheng couldn't help but gape. He had trouble carrying more than two textbooks at once and here was Ten supporting his entire body weight on a fucking pole. 

He watched in awe as the dark-haired boy wrapped his legs tightly around the pole before leaning back so he was hanging upside down. How the fuck? 

"This isn't as scary as it looks, trust me. It's actually a pretty straight forward move."

He was  _talking_  while doing it? Sicheng couldn't even begin to imagine how much core strength that was taking. 

His mouth continued to hang open as Ten completed his routine before hopping down off the pole, finishing with a little bow. 

"So, you ready to learn?"

He hadn't even fucking broken a sweat.  

"There's  _no way_ I'll ever be able to do that."

"Of course you will." Ten scoffed, punching him lightly in the shoulder. "You're being taught by the best, after all."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Hey princess! How was your first day as a teacher?"

"Good." Ten smiled through a mouthful of toast, tilting his head so Jaehyun could give him a peck on the cheek. "It was fun."

"The guy wasn't too creepy, was he?" Taeyong asked, following Jaehyun into the kitchen with a bag full of groceries. They hadn't been shopping properly in ages, so he'd just picked up a few essentials they were running low on. Buying enough food for four was a nightmare, especially when they were all so busy. He wondered if Jaehyun was earning enough now that they could hire someone to do it for them. 

"Nah, he was really nice actually." Ten shrugged, thinking about Sicheng. He was so nervous it was kind of cute. But that actually put Ten at ease; he preferred being the more confident one. "He's cute. I like him."

Taeyong and Jaehyun exchanged a glance. 

"You  _like_  him?"

"Not like that, obviously." Ten rolled his eyes as his boyfriends teased him. "I mean I would totally ride him if he asked, but-"

"You can't fuck your students." Jaehyun scoffed.

"I mean, I  _can_. I'm not saying I'm  _going to_  but I can if I want." Ten smirked, flicking through a couple of pictures on Sicheng's Instagram. He really was adorable. "Bet he has a really pretty dick to go with his pretty face."

"Oh my god." Taeyong whispered under his breath, head resting on Jaehyun's shoulder. Ten had wanted to teach dance for so long, and now after his first ever lesson he wanted to bang his first ever student. 

But, honestly, neither of them were all that surprised. 

"Just be careful, okay?"

"Yes, mother."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"I can't believe you're training to be a stripper." Renjun scoffed as his cousin threw himself down on the sofa. Teasing Sicheng was his absolute favourite thing in the world - and sometimes the elder just made it way too easy for him. "All to stalk some guy."

"Well I'm obviously not gonna be a  _stripper_ , am I, Jun? No one wants to throw money at a guy taking his shirt off to reveal a binder, do they?"

"Whatever."

That's what Sicheng loved about Renjun. He didn't fawn over him, didn't walk on eggshells around him just because he was transgender. He just treated him like he would any other guy, and that's exactly what Sicheng wanted. 

He didn't  _want_  to be trans. He wished more than anything he had just been born cisgender. His life would be so much easier. No dysphoria. No injections. No periods. No boobs getting in the way. 

He couldn't really understand how other trans people were proud of being trans. He just didn't get it. It was a burden more than anything. Part of him hoped that one day he'd reach a stage where he was proud of who he was - but for now, all he cared about was passing and no one questioning him on his...situation. 

He just wanted to be normal. And more than anything he wanted people to treat him as if he was normal. 

"This is still a little extreme just to find out if this guy knows some model you fancy. Even for you."

"He  _does_  know him. I just wanna know how. I wanna know if Ten's his boyfriend."

Honestly, Sicheng kind of hoped he wasn't, hoped he was barking up the completely wrong tree, because...well...

"Plus, the lessons are fun and I really like hanging out with him, so-"

"Oh god, you like him don't you?"

"Wh- Why would you think that?"

"Because I've known you for eighteen years and no matter how short your hair is, you always twirl it around your finger whenever you talk about someone you have a crush on."

Sicheng paused, strawberry blonde locks twisted around his index finger as his face flushed. He hadn't even realised. God why was he so transparent? 

"I-I mean he's pretty and-"

"Is this a good idea?" Renjun sighed. He may be three years younger than Sicheng but he felt like the elder's carer sometimes. He needed someone to look after him since his parents were still back in China, after all. "You know how... _hard_  you fall for people."

Sicheng chewed at the inside of his cheek. He knew exactly what Renjun was talking about. He had totally fallen for someone in his class during his first year of uni. Within days of meeting him. And when he asked Sicheng out he was floating on cloud nine, couldn't believe it. It felt too good to be true. 

And it was. 

Turned out the guy was only in it for a bet. To sleep with the tranny freak. And Sicheng let him. He found out about this before they slept together and he still went through with it because he was so utterly in love he thought that maybe sex would change things. 

It didn't. Obviously. Sicheng was left feeling used and heartbroken. 

But, he didn't seem to learn from it. He still fell for people way too quickly and always ended up getting his heart broken when they either left him because he was too uncomfortable in his own skin to put out or they didn't want to go public with someone like him or whatever. There was always something that stopped him from finding happiness. 

That was until he discovered just how sweet revenge could be. 

He had found that getting his own back on the boys that made his life hell, that broke his heart was actually the best feeling in the world. Well, okay, maybe being loved unconditionally would probably be the best feeling, but he had forced himself to change, forced himself to become cold-hearted out of fear of getting hurt, so revenge would do for now. 

"It's not like I'm in love with him." Sicheng rolled his eyes, trying to brush it off. "I just think he's hot. I mean, have you seen him?"

Renjun hummed, not totally buying it. He knew exactly what Sicheng was like. 

"Well, just be careful, yeah?"

"Yes, mother."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on twitter (i am friendless) or on instagram (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a curious cat bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	3. reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a lil trigger warning for this chapter: gender/body dysphoria and a tiny slither of transphobia!!
> 
> (and the pre-promised smut ofc uwu)  
> hope u enjoy! (΄◉◞౪◟◉｀)

Sicheng sighed to himself as he glanced over his figure in the mirror. He had no idea why he did this to himself, why he insisted on looking when he knew fine well he wouldn't like what he saw. 

But it was like...a compulsion. He couldn't help himself. 

He had to replay every single flaw over and over, and there were a lot of them, so it often took Sicheng forever to get ready in the morning. 

It was a terrible way to start his day, but it had become routine. 

He started by shimmying out of the sweatpants he had slept in last night because it was freezing and his and Renjun's heater was bust. He liked sleeping in sweatpants. It sounded stupid but they made him feel so warm and cosy they almost qualified as a substitute for actual human warmth. Like a hug or something. 

Imagine that. Sicheng having someone to cuddle into at night. He snorted at the absurd thought. Like that was ever going to happen. 

He figured he didn't look too bad like this. Oversized t-shirt barely covering his ass, hem of the worn boxers he liked to sleep in just peeking out from under the grey material. 

He smiled to himself, just a slight quirk of the lips as he half-turned, admiring himself from behind. 

Yeah. This wasn't too bad. 

Sicheng liked his legs. No, he loved them. They were just about the only part of his body that he did love. They were long, crazy long. He was always made fun of at the awful all girls school his parents had forced him to go to for being so ridiculously tall, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 

He loved that he was tall, that he had long, toned limbs that helped him pass as a cisgender male. That he was thankful for. 

But just about everything from mid-thigh up was a disaster. 

He ripped his shirt off after shimmying out of the loose pair of boxers, chewing on the inside of his lip as he looked himself up and down. 

What a fucking mess. 

His stomach would drop every time he'd see himself fully naked. He wasn't sure why, he knew fine well what was under the baggy clothes he wore, but at least he could pretend. Pretend that he was normal. That he looked good. That he looked how he was meant to. 

The drop in his stomach would no doubt turn into nausea any minute if Sicheng kept looking. That's how the routine ended far too often; Sicheng throwing up in the bathroom, sobbing quietly to himself as he realised he couldn't face going outside today. 

What if someone figured out his secret? What if someone just  _knew?_  Knew he was...fake. Knew he was pretending to be something he wasn't because he would always be a girl and he was just kidding himself if he ever th-

Sicheng shook his head. 

No. He wasn't going to think like that anymore. He'd promised himself that he wasn't going to miss any more lectures. That he was going to graduate university and earn enough to finally get the surgery he so desperately needed. He wasn't going to be able to do that locked up inside sobbing into a bowl of ice cream. 

He grabbed his binder, the one thing that could actually improve his appearance a little. 

Honestly, Sicheng knew he was lucky, in a way. He hadn't been blessed - or rather cursed - with an 'ample bussom'. He wasn't completely flat chested, unfortunately, but his breasts were no bigger than a decent handful. They were annoying, no, strike that, he fucking hated them. They got in his way, they hurt for no reason sometimes and they looked fucking disgusting. It blew his mind that people could completely lose their shit over these bags of fat attached to his chest. That men would go crazy upon seeing them. That girls would go out of their way to make them bigger. 

That was a complete mystery to Sicheng. Hell, he'd donate his to someone 'less fortunate' in the chest area if he could. 

But, at least with his binder, they were pretty easy to hide. He still wasn't completely comfortable wearing tighter shirts, just in case someone noticed the slight bump that he couldn't pass off as pectoral muscles because he was built like a bus ticket, or they'd question the seams of his binder. But he felt pretty good in baggier t-shirts. 

Sure, the binder tended to hurt after a while, and he knew he couldn't wear it as much as he'd like - all the time, because it could cause him damage in the long run. But it was good enough for now, until he could afford top surgery. It'd do. 

He squeezed it on, feeling a little more at peace with himself as he took in the slight curve of his chest. That wasn't too bad. It was uncomfortable, but better than nothing. 

Now, his top half didn't look that bad. He could swear shoulders had broadened a little in the past couple of months since he had started T, and he was starting to develop a cute little happy trail. Granted, he'd probably end up shaving it because he wasn't big on body hair, but he liked that he had the option now. 

There was just one more problem. 

His eyes trailed down his own form, slowly. Shoulders, chest, stomach, before tearing away so he could grab a fresh pair of boxer briefs. That was better, everything covered. 

Sicheng didn't  _totally_  hate his vagina, like the majority of trans men he'd met did, because at least he got something out of it being there. Sure, he would have much rather have been born with a dick, but it was better than nothing, right? He could come over and over and over without even having to take a break. That was way more than what most guys could do. 

Sicheng laughed to himself, what a ridiculous thought the be having this early in the morning. Now he'd probably be horny all day and have no one to help satisfy him. Good job, Dong. 

He finished getting ready, throwing a t-shirt and another pair of sweatpants on. He looked pretty much the same as when he'd gone to bed last night, but he was meeting Ten for another lesson after class and skin-tight jeans and pole dancing didn't really mix. 

He twisted his nose as he scanned back over himself, he wasn't that bad, he guessed. He didn't consider himself attractive, at all, but he wasn't completely disgusting...right? Not in clothes anyway.

An alarm rang from Sicheng's bedside table, alerting him that he had to leave now if he wanted to avoid running to class. Which he really did. 

He pushed his bedroom door open, grabbing a snapback to hide the mess that was his hair and throwing his jacket on. 

"Do you want any-" Renjun turned around, butter knife in hand as Sicheng grabbed a slice of toast from his plate before stuffing it in his mouth. "-toast made.  _Made_ , Sicheng. Not mine."

"Too late." Sicheng mumbled through a mouth full of Renjun's breakfast. "Gotta go, bye!"

Renjun rolled his eyes. He didn't sign up to be the parent of someone three whole years older than him when he moved to England, but here he was. 

"Have a good day."

"You too!" The door was barely inches from slamming shut, but Renjun could still hear Sicheng shouting back at him in Mandarin. "Love you, Junnie!

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

 

 

Sicheng was leant up against the side of the club, absentmindedly playing on his phone. He had come to learn that punctuality was one of Ten's few and far between flaws. Or, at least, if he did have any more he hid them really, really well. 

"Hey! I'm so sorry I'm late!"

Sicheng's jaw hung open as Ten jogged around the corner - he inwardly cursed himself because he was pretty sure that was becoming his only expression when he was around the elder. He needed to rein it in. 

But this time, he couldn't help himself. He'd never seen Ten like this before. So...feminine. He had a full face of makeup on, bright red lipstick, false eyelashes, the lot. He looked...really good, actually. 

Despite being transgender, Sicheng had never had a problem with wearing makeup. He knew that most trans guys would go out of their way to avoid anything that would make them look even slightly more feminine, but Sicheng had never shied away from eyeliner or tinted lip balm. He liked the way they looked on him. And it had always been a turn on for him on other guys, he sort of liked the idea of his boyfriend being more feminine than him, it made him look just that bit more manly by comparison, which was why he couldn't help but gape at Ten's current set up. 

"You look...nice."

"Hm?" Ten looked up at him from the set of keys he was fiddling with to try and open the club. He didn't feel as weird being alone with Sicheng anymore, no longer requiring Kun to be there to watch over the two of them. "Oh, the makeup? My housemate is a makeup artist and wanted to test some new stuff out on me, that's why I'm so late."

Wait. Makeup artist? Wasn't Jungwoo a makeup artist? He and Ten lived together? He was finally beginning to piece this all together. He was sure Jungwoo would have known Jaehyun through work, and if he and Ten lived together then that could explain how they knew each other. Interesting. 

"Don't worry; I'm not some sort of tranny or whatever." Ten scoffed as he opened the door, making Sicheng's stomach drop.  _Tranny_. Did he really have to use that word? 

Sicheng followed him in, shrinking back into his jacket, suddenly feeling incredibly uncomfortable in his own skin. More-so than usual. That word always got to him; he couldn't remember how many times he'd been called it since moving to England. 

"Right. Today we're gonna try something a little different."

Sicheng tuned back in as Ten dragged a chair over to the middle of the stage. Oh god. Just what did he have planned?

"Your technique is actually pretty good, and your moves are definitely improving, but you're just not...relaxed enough."

"Relaxed?" Sicheng pushed Ten's comment from earlier out of his mind. It was just a word. He was pretty sure it wouldn't be the last time he heard it, and he was here for a reason. He couldn't let all of these lessons go to waste without learning something about Jaehyun. 

But how was he meant to relax when he was using literally all of his strength to keep himself from a great height while dangling from a pole? He was pretty sure relaxing would cause him a serious injury. 

"Yeah, you're like really...rigid. I know pole dancing isn't just for strippers and it's not always super slutty or whatever. But, it kinda helps when it comes to fluidity. We just need to unlock your sexuality."

Sicheng swallowed thickly. Unlock his... Oh god. Sexy is probably the last thing Sicheng would describe himself as. 

"Come on, sit." Ten patted the chair, a not-so-subtle smirk on his lips. 

Sicheng wasn't sure he liked where this was going, but he obeyed anyway. 

"Okay, just watch me." Ten popped some music on, sauntering over to Sicheng. Even the way he walked oozed sheer sex appeal. 

"A-Are you gonna give me a lap dance?" Sicheng squeaked as Ten planted his foot on the arm of his chair, crotch only inches from his face. 

"Yeah." Ten's smirk deepened as he drew back, sliding down into a split on the floor in front of Sicheng. "Consider yourself lucky, I usually charge."

Sicheng bit down on his lip as Ten began his routine, every movement like silk. He was truly captivating, and Sicheng could feel the tips of his ears burning just from watching the other boy. He could see why Ten was so popular at the club, everything he did was so effortless, so inherently sexy Sicheng knew fine well there was no way he'd ever be able to do anything like that. His anxiety wouldn't allow him. 

"Sicheng!" He was pulled from his thoughts of self-depreciation as Ten called his name, eyes snapping back to the elder who was now on his elbows and knees, pert ass pointing straight up in the air. Wow. "Pay attention."

Sicheng's eyes widened as Ten began to gyrate against the floor, legs spreading as his thrusts got deeper and deeper. Holy fucking shit. 

He found Ten attractive,  _really_  attractive, he couldn't deny that. But watching him like this, cherry red lips parted slightly, heavily lined eyes peering back at him through dark eyelashes, hips rolling against the floor; he couldn't help but want to be underneath him. Couldn't help but want Ten in him. If that's what he could do with his hips while dancing then just imagine how good he was in bed and god it had been so long since Sicheng had had a good fuck and-

No. 

No, what the fuck? He couldn't be thinking like this. He wasn't here to bang his dance teacher. He was here to find out more about Jaehyun and so far he'd gotten nothing. This was soon becoming a very expensive mission. 

He squeezed his thighs together, willing that pulsating down below to stop because he really didn't have time to be horny right now. This was one of those rare occasions he thanked God he was born without a dick. Ten could never know how turned on he was. 

Sicheng gasped as Ten straddled his legs, not even noticing the elder had gotten off the floor, too wrapped up in his own thoughts of being fucked into next Tuesday by the dark-haired boy to pay full attention. 

"Can you feel the way I move?" Ten asked, repositioning Sicheng's hands so they were on his hips as he rolled them. "This is how fluid you need to be."

Sicheng nodded slowly as Ten moved against him. Was this really happening? 

"You need to loosen up, to stop holding back, okay? I know fine well you can dance; you just need to unleash your inner sex kitten and really go for it. I'm not going to judge you."

"Sex kitten?" Sicheng scoffed. "I'm not sure I have one."

"Of course you do!" Ten stood back up, making Sicheng whine softly at the lack of contact before he was pulled up by the smaller boy. "I know you can be sexy, okay. Look at you, you're pretty hot."

Ten slid in front of him, placing Sicheng's hands firmly on his hips as he urged the younger boy to move. He wasn't big on people outside of his family touching him, but he actually kind of trusted Sicheng. That was rare for him but...he didn't know, he just got this vibe from him. Like his walls were built just as high as Ten's were. Maybe they were kindred spirits or something stupid. 

"Just follow me."

Sicheng swallowed thickly as Ten all but ground up against him, hips swaying in perfect rhythm even without any music playing. He tried to copy, moving his own hips from side to side, but significantly more rigidly. 

He had no problem executing moves with grace and fluidity when he was younger, but this was different. He couldn't be sexy because he wasn't sexy. He was disgusting. His body was disgusting. How could he possibly feel sexy when some days he just wanted to claw his own skin off? 

But he couldn't tell Ten that...could he? He couldn't reveal his biggest secret to this guy he barely knew. 

No. Of course he fucking couldn't, because he was here to gather information on Jaehyun, not to release his inner sex kitten or have a therapy session. And if things were going to keep progressing like this, he had to hurry up. He couldn't risk Ten asking him to take his clothes off next time. 

"There we go." Ten bit down on his bottom lip as Sicheng began to move against him. Jaehyun was in for a treat when he got home tonight. "You just need to relax a little. Don't be so uptight all the time."

Sicheng let out a shallow breath, that was easier said than done when he could feel a warm heat pooling down below. He was grinding up against someone, after all. Someone really fucking hot. 

He clenched as Ten grabbed his ass, thrusting his hips forward, the elder's head lulling back onto his shoulder. 

"See, I knew you had an inner sex kitten." 

Sicheng's lips fell open as he rolled his hips. Ten was...incredible. He was beautiful and sexy and Sicheng kind of wanted to kiss him right now because he genuinely looked good enough to eat. 

And then he moaned. Ten moaned because Sicheng was grinding into his ass and-

"Okay, enough of that."

And then he was gone. 

Ten shot him a coy smile as he strutted over to the pole. He knew exactly what he was doing. It was his job to get guys worked up and leave them hanging, after all. 

"You're getting me all hot and bothered." Ten fanned himself with his hand. That escalated quicker than he had expected it to. What was he thinking? He didn't just sleep with random guys anymore, and he was more than used to giving...private dances at work, so why was he so turned on over Sicheng? Maybe it was because the younger didn't seem to get hard. Maybe that made Ten want to chase him a little. 

He mulled it over in his head, just for a second, before remembering why they were here. 

"Now, wrap your legs around this pole for me and ride it like your making love to it."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Oh my god!"

Ten cried out as Jaehyun slammed into him. He was already balls deep in Taeyong, the elder writhing underneath him. 

As soon as he got home he had dragged the two of them upstairs, making them leave their half-eaten burgers and a smirking Jungwoo behind in the living room. Ten had offered for the milk tea-haired boy to join them, but Jungwoo merely shook his head, claiming he was too tired for an orgy and telling them to have fun. 

And he _was_ having fun. Lots of it. 

"Ten!" 

Taeyong pulled him into a ravenous kiss, their chests pressed against one another's as Ten's arms gave way, falling flat on top of his boyfriend. 

He moaned into Taeyong's mouth, unable to form words anymore as pleasure hit him from both ends. He could barely even move, Jaehyun's hands so firm on his hips that Taeyong had to resort to fucking himself on Ten's cock, the dancer almost boneless between the two of them. 

"Jae- Ah- Fuck him harder." Taeyong gasped out as Ten tried to collect himself, tried to move inside of his boyfriend before his legs gave out completely as Jaehyun picked up his pace. His vision blurred as Jaehyun found his prostate, a strangled cry rumbling through his throat, muffled by Taeyong's neck. 

"Hold on, baby." Taeyong could tell Ten was close, but he didn't want Jaehyun to stop just yet. The brunette fucking into Ten was, in turn, thrusting the dancer deeper and deeper into Taeyong himself. "You feel so good."

"Tae..." Ten all but whimpered. His entire body felt like it was on fire, every fleeting touch burning. His head was spinning, it felt like he was swimming against the tide, trying his hardest to stay afloat, to not give in to the pull of the current and just come. 

"I'm here." Taeyong brushed his thumbs against Ten's cheeks, urging the younger to look at him. A soft, delicate notion in the midst of fucking that ten more than appreciated. Taeyong had this amazing ability to ground him when he felt like he was on the verge of losing his mind. 

"I wanna-"

"I know you do, muffin- Ah-" Taeyong arched his back as Jaehyun's thrusting caused ten to change the angle of his hips slightly. "Just a bit longer. You want hyung to fill you up, right?"

Ten nodded, whining pathetically at the thought. He had been so fucking horny when he got home from his lesson with Sicheng he pounced on the two of them. He wasn't selfish enough to come before them when he was the one that dragged them up here. 

He tried his hardest to clear his mind, to focus on holding on. He picked himself back up into his hands and knees, pushing back onto Jaehyun's dick and earning himself a low moan from the younger. He took Taeyong's leaking cock in his hand, smiling to himself as his boyfriend's jaw dropped, his name spilling over bitten lips. 

"Princess." Jaehyun's voice sent chills down tens spine. "Who do you want to come first?"

Ten gasped out as Jaehyun spread his legs, pushing him back down into Taeyong. He'd only just managed to get himself back up. He thought about it. Jaehyun coming first meant he got to take everything his boyfriend had to offer, but then it probably meant he'd come almost instantly after, and he couldn't leave Taeyong til last. But then Taeyong coming first meant the elder clamping down around his cock and - Well, he kind of seemed like he was in a catch 22 situation here. 

But-

"Taeyong." Ten tightened his grip around the blonde's strained cock, making him whimper on the mattress underneath him. He always looked so adorable like this. "I want Taeyonggie to come first. Then you."

"You heard him, precious." Jaehyun smirked over Ten's shoulder, brushing platinum hair out of Taeyong's face, or at least trying to considering it was matted to his forehead with sweat. Cute. 

Taeyong wasn't about to say no to that. Jaehyun usually liked to push him. And push and push until he was left a babbling mess. There was no way he was going to pass up the opportunity of coming first. 

So he let go. He let himself give in to Ten's fingers stroking him to completion and he came all over the two of them. 

Ten cried out as Taeyong clamped around him, but he kept going. He kept fucking into his boyfriend because he absolutely loved what a mess Taeyong was when he was over stimulated. 

The blonde clawed at dark bedsheets as Ten's assault on his prostate continued. He should have known coming first was too good to be true. His boyfriends had a tendency to make his life hell. 

"Ten!" Taeyong's hips bucked, vision spotting as his orgasm intensified. 

"J- Hyung. Please." Ten needed Jaehyun to fill him up and he needed it now or he wouldn't be able to hold back himself. Not with Taeyong clenching around him like that. 

"I'm close, Princess, just a bit more." 

Jaehyun's breath was shallow, rhythm becoming sloppy as he rutted into his boyfriend. The sight of Taeyong scrambling around underneath Ten and the tightness in the dancer's voice were really getting to him. He just needed a little more to push him over the edge and- 

"Fuck!"

Ten whimpered as Jaehyun came, as his walls were painted white, as his body got unbearably hot. This was it. He could finally let go, but- Maybe, maybe he could hold out just a little-

"Ten! Ten please, I need you." 

There were tears rolling down Taeyong's face now, if Ten didn't come soon then he was pretty sure he was going to pass out. 

"Go on, baby, your little angel wants you to come."

That was it. Those words alone were enough to make Ten come, for him to let go. 

He crashed back down onto Taeyong, the elder's arms wrapping around him as Ten filling him hit him like a second orgasm. He heard Jaehyun gasp behind him as the dancer clamped down around his already sensitive cock. 

And Ten just let himself lie there, body twitching as Taeyong mumbled incoherently in his ear, as Jaehyun rubbed soothing circles into his cheeks. 

This was...perfect. What they had was perfect. 

He whined softly as Jaehyun pulled out of him, probably to go get something to clean the three of them up. They'd made quite a mess. He rolled off of Taeyong, allowing the elder to catch his breath without a body slumped on top of him. 

"Wow."

Ten chuckled softly as Taeyong breathed beside him. 

"What brought that on?"

Ten shrugged, curling back into Taeyong and Jaehyun shifted him onto his side, a damp cloth cool and soothing against his backside. "I was just really horny."

"There's horny, and then there's that. I mean we're not complaining, but-" Jaehyun laughed to himself as he reached across to clean Taeyong up too. As pretty as his boyfriend looked sprayed with come, he knew what a neat freak the blonde was. 

"Things just...got a little heated at my lesson today."

"With Sicheng?"

"Yeah. I was trying to unleash his inner sexiness and...We were like grinding and-"

"He didn't...do anything to you, did he?" Taeyong's light-headedness from coming so hard was replaced with concern. He wasn't sure he liked the idea of Ten being left alone with this guy and now...

"No! Nothing like that. He didn't even get hard, actually." Ten furrowed his eyebrows. That was still so weird to him. 

"Maybe he's straight."

Ten scoffed. As if that usually made any difference. He had a list as long as his arm of 'straight' guys that had got it up watching him. 

"Maybe he's just not attracted to you."

This time, Ten laughed. What a stupid fucking thing to say. 

"Tae, sweetie, look at me." Ten gestured towards his naked body. "Who wouldn't want to fuck me?"

Taeyong rolled his eyes. Ten may be insecure in some ways, he didn't like people getting too close unless it was under his terms and he was terrified of being on his own, but his self-esteem had never once dampened. Ten knew he was hot, and he knew the effect he still had on men, even if he wasn't so interested in seeing things through anymore. 

"I think he's just, like...nice. He seems to...respect me."

Jaehyun settled down behind Ten, an arm wrapping around the elder's waist as he smiled at Taeyong over his shoulder. He knew Ten still found it nigh-on impossible to believe that there were people like that out there. That there were people in the world, outside of their house, that didn't just want to use him. 

"Well, I'm glad he does." Jaehyun nuzzled into the back of Ten's neck, arm wrapping tighter around the elder's waist. 

"And if he ever does lay a finger on you." Taeyong shuffled in closer, pressing a kiss to Ten's lips, making the younger smile. "I'll fucking kill him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	4. lavender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm vry sleepy and I hate my job!!!! So here is a little update bc tenwin make me happy I luv them a lot my fave boys aaaaah!!!!

Sicheng met up with Ten every week, and slowly his confidence (and his upper body strength) began to improve. He wasn't so scared of the pole anymore, of being off the ground, of holding his entire body weight up and the possibility he could fall and break something. Okay, so maybe that still scared him a little. 

But he wasn't so scared of Ten anymore, either. He found that he could actually talk to the elder now, without being a stuttering mess. That behind the bravado and sass, he was actually really nice. 

"Okay, Bambi, break time." Ten ducked as Sicheng almost kicked him in the face. Why did anyone need legs that long? 

"Why do you call me that?" The blonde huffed as he slid down the pole, knees almost giving way as his feet hit the ground. He still wasn't all that graceful when it came to pole dancing. 

"Because your limbs are so damn long I swear you're not always in control of them." The dancer laughed, earning him a pout from Sicheng. "You're like a new-born baby deer."

"I don't get it."

"Like the movie, Bambi? When he can't control his legs on the ice because they're so..." Ten trailed off as Sicheng stared at him blankly. "You've _never_ seen Bambi before?"

Sicheng thought for a second before shaking his head. He couldn't think of any movies about deer...at all. 

"Wow..." Jaehyun had made out like Ten was crazy when he told him he'd never seen a Disney movie before, to the point where he sat his boyfriend down, at the grand old age of twenty-one and made him binge watch like six in a row. They were pretty good actually, he had to admit. But he'd always just assumed that _he_  was the odd one out. That everyone else had had the finding Prince Charming and the fairy-tale ending drilled into them since they were kids. 

Clearly, Sicheng was just as weird as he was. 

Ten liked that about him.

Sicheng settled himself on the floor, grabbing a bottle of water. Pole dancing  _really_ took it out of him. He had no idea how Ten managed to do this all night. 

"So, you single?" The dark haired boy asked out of nowhere, not really knowing what to say next. Their lessons were getting longer due to the fact they couldn't stop talking between practicing moves. 

"Yep." Sicheng took a sip. "Very."

"Yeah, me too." Ten lied. He couldn't very well tell Sicheng that he was not only in a relationship with one of the countries up and coming models, but also  _his_  boyfriend and oh, they lived with their other boyfriend too. It was easier just to pretend he was single and not looking. 

They did everything in their power to keep what they had a secret. None of them may like it, but it was for the best that people didn't know. They had no idea how people would react, how it would affect Jaehyun's career. They knew it would just about destroy Taeyong's, people wouldn't understand what they had was purely based on love; they'd paint him as some sexual pariah that wasn't fit to work with children. 

So they kept it a secret, for all of their sakes. 

"Really?" Sicheng raised an eyebrow. "I'm surprised someone hasn't snapped you up."

"Yeah, well." Ten shrugged, not really sure how to respond to that. "Guess I'm waiting for Mr. Right or whatever." He snorted, as if he hadn't already found him. Twice over. 

"Fair enough."

"What about you, anyway, how come you're single?"

_Because I'm transgender and I can't bear the thought of anyone seeing me naked so most guys get bored after, like, the third date... If I even get that far. The majority just think I'm plain disgusting to start with._

"Oh uh..." Sicheng tried to think of an excuse to mask the reality. He wasn't ready to tell Ten yet. Or maybe...ever. "Same, I guess?"

Ten scoffed. He knew that was bullshit because when he said it, it was bullshit. 

"No, really, why?"

"I dunno, I've just never found the right guy. I've never been in a long term relationship or anything. Maybe I'm too fussy." He knew fine well he was the opposite. 

"There's nothing wrong with that." Ten mused. It took him forever to finally let Jaehyun in. Thank god he did. "It's better than falling for every other guy only to realise they're all dickheads. Right?"

"Right." Sicheng raised his bottle in a half-hearted toast. He'd been there, done that. 

The two of them sipped their water in an almost awkward silence, not really sure how to carry on this conversation. 

There was this...thing between them. Like, an energy. They had both picked up on it, but neither one of them fully understand what it meant. It wasn't quite a sexual tension, well, maybe a little, Ten had sexual tension with just about everyone, whether he realised it or not. But this was...different. Every time they brushed up against one another, every time Ten helped position Sicheng's arms he could feel this electricity between the two of them. Tiny little jolts that made his hair stand on end. It was weird. Really weird. And he wasn't quite sure what to do about it. 

Ten could feel it too, and it wasn't something he was at all used to. Raw sexual magnetism? Yeah, that he got. That's what he had with Jaehyun the first time they met. He just wanted the younger to rip his clothes off and press him up against a wall. But this felt more like what he had with Taeyong. He had slowly fallen for the elder, not even realising it until he was too far gone to get back up. Was that happening with Sicheng too? 

As Sicheng grew more confident around him, Ten began to get more nervous. He'd jumble up his words, he'd even blush. What the fuck was going on? 

Did he...have a crush?

Jesus Christ not again. He thought he was past all of this. 

"Do you, uh..." Sicheng cleared his throat, deciding to bite the bullet before the air in the room grew so thick neither of them could breathe. He didn't fancy suffocating in a strip club. "Do you wanna go out sometime? Like, with me?"

"Like a date?" Ten squeaked, wondering if Sicheng could read his mind. He really hoped not, he'd been having some particularly dirty thoughts before when Sicheng had perfectly executed a spinning straddle. 

"Y-Yeah, if you want."

Ten thought about it. Really thought about it. Just a few years ago he would have laughed in Sicheng's face. He didn't  _date_. He wasn't that kind of person. Didn't believe in romance or love. Just sex. That's all that was real to him. 

But...Jaehyun changed that. He showed Ten that he  _could_  be loved. And by more than one person, at that. So...

Why not? What was so bad about going on a date with a cute guy that he liked? 

"Okay! Sure! I'm free on Thursday afternoon if you are."

A wide smile broke out onto Sicheng's lips. Was this actually happening? Was someone as fucking gorgeous as Ten actually agreeing to go on a date with him? This was all too surreal. 

He pushed that niggling voice in the back of his head away. The one that told him he was wasting his time because Ten was clearly gay and wouldn't want to be with him because he wasn't a  _real_  guy. That once he found out the truth it'd be over. 

He ignored it. Because at this moment in time he was actually really happy. 

"Cool, I only have one lecture that day so I can meet you at one?"

Ten beamed. He couldn't wait to tell Jaehyun when he got home. His boyfriend was going to be  _so_ fucking excited that he had a date. 

"Can't wait."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Sicheng was nervous, as per usual. He hadn't dated anyone in a long time. Especially not anyone as gorgeous as Ten. He often felt like he had to settle, that he should be thankful that anyone was actually attracted to him, even if he didn't feel the same way because of who he was. 

So that's why he was going to...not lie, per se, but maybe hide the truth from Ten...just for a while. Until they got to know each other better and he could...trust him. Or something. He couldn't let his gender scare yet another person off. 

"Hey!" Ten bounded over to the booth Sicheng was sitting in. He had insisted on going to this American style diner because he'd never been before and Jaehyun claimed it was amazing. Plus, he just really wanted a milkshake. "Sorry I'm late; my lift bailed last minute so I had to get the tube."

"It's okay." Sicheng smiled. He was actually kind of glad Ten was running late, it gave him time to mentally prepare himself. "I was just looking at the menu, anyway. I feel like anything I eat here will make me gain, like, fifteen pounds."

"Yeah." Ten laughed, he was actually pretty glad they didn't put the calorific content on the menu, he'd rather not know. "My friend said the food is really good, though."

It didn't feel at all weird referring to Jaehyun as his 'friend' as opposed to his 'boyfriend'. Ten was used to it by now. No one outside of their family knew about their relationship. It was far too risky. 

Jaehyun was becoming more and more well known, his popularity was growing which unfortunately meant people were talking about him. A lot. Gossip magazines, blogs, even the nationwide newspapers had papped him a few times. 

It was weird, seeing the love of your life being followed around like that, but it only made them more cautious. People couldn't find out about them, they just couldn't. Jaehyun's career would be over. People wouldn't see their relationship for what it was - they'd think they were greedy, sexual deviants that were only in it for the orgies or for Jaehyun's money. But it wasn't like that at all. Their relationship was founded on love and trust. 

They were all pretty sure no one else would see it that way, though. Jaehyun would be ostracised from the modelling industry, Taeyong would have to quit his job - there was no way he'd be able to work in a school if people knew this about him. Parents assumed too much, they wouldn't want something like that around their kids. It would just be a disaster. 

Which was why they kept everything on the down low. Pretended they were just friends that lived together. Tried their hardest not to mention each other's names when talking to outsiders. They didn't want to ruin what they had, because it was beautiful and private and the last thing they needed was the added pressure of the media and angry bible bashers claiming they were going to hell. They just couldn't be bothered with all of that, which is why they never went public. 

And they planned on keeping it that way. For as long as possible. 

But Ten liked Sicheng. He liked him a lot and it made him feel...weird. Only a couple of years ago he never believed in love or relationships or any of that bullshit. Never wanted anything like that, never saw himself ever having anything like that. But here he was, in love with two of them most amazing boys he'd ever met, and out on a date with a total cutie. His life had done a complete 180 flip. Maybe now he'd had a taste, he was addicted to romance or love or something stupid. It was something he had been deprived of earlier on in life, so now he couldn't get enough. 

"I'm actually really surprised you're not taken." Sicheng commented, before taking a bite of his burger. Okay, Ten's friend was right, this place was amazing. 

Ten shifted a little in his seat. "I guess I'm just picky when it comes to guys." That wasn't even technically a lie, so he felt pretty pleased with himself. He actually didn't like lying anymore, but he didn't have much choice. 

"In what way?"

Ten shrugged, not knowing where to go with this. He could either be really shallow and say barely anyone was his type, or he could open up... That seemed kind of risky, but...there was something about Sicheng. He looked like a good listener. 

"I just don't trust people very easily. Especially not men."

"That's fair." Sicheng honestly felt the same way. Most guys, even gay guys, weren't usually that accepting of transgender people. It was difficult for him to figure out who he could be fully open with and who he had to keep things from. "I sort of feel the same."

"Really? So why did you ask me out?"

"Uh..." Sicheng thought about it through a mouthful of fries. "You just...you don't look judgemental or like you'd...take advantage of me."

Ten's stomach dropped. 

"Has someone taken advantage of you before?"

Sicheng blinked a couple of times. Why had Ten's voice suddenly dropped an octave? Did that mean somethi- Oh! 

"Oh! Sorry I didn't mean like that, my English isn't- Uh- I mean, like, I dunno, I just feel like I could trust you. You know?"

Ten smiled softly. That was...sweet. 

"I feel like I can trust you too, I think. I mean, before we met I was kind of terrified that you'd turn out to be this crazy person off the internet, but you were so nervous when I first met you it was...kinda cute."

Sicheng felt his face heat up. Not only because of the compliment but...because he  _kind of_ was a crazy person off the internet. He had gotten in touch with Ten just to stalk Jaehyun Jung for God's sake. Who does that?

But that was pushed way, way to the back of his mind now. Because he had found something better than finding out a little bit of juicy gossip about Jaehyun. He'd found Ten, and no matter how hard he was trying to hide it from Renjun, he seemed to be falling. Pretty fucking hard. 

"I'm nervous right now. Is that cute?"

Ten couldn't help but smile. How the fuck did someone so lanky and awkward manage to be so endearing? He reached across to thumb away a smudge of ketchup from the corner of Sicheng's lips. 

"Very."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Sicheng sighed to himself, hugging his pillow close to his chest as he scrolled through the pictures on his phone. The pictures of him and Ten. The two of them didn't know what to do when they met up this morning, so they ended up going on a walk. 

It was weird; Sicheng didn't really consider himself the walking type, and Ten seemed far from that too. But...they had fun, actually. Maybe all they needed was each other's company or something just as soppy. 

They had managed to find themselves a lavender field in the middle of the city. Sicheng hadn't seen a field in...Well, since he moved to London. Everything here was so grey and rigid. He missed being able to visit the countryside without it costing a fortune. 

And it turned out, that Ten looked ridiculously pretty in purple. He had so many pictures on his phone of the elder waist deep in lavender flowers, a wide smile on his face, eyelashes fanned our against his cheekbones. He looked absolutely stunning. 

Sicheng zoomed in on Ten's face. His stomach fluttered. Renjun was right. He obviously wouldn't be admitting this to his cousin whose favourite four words were 'I told you so', but he was right. He was clearly falling for Ten.

Sicheng groaned to himself. He wished he wasn't such a fucking hopeless romantic. He wished he could go through life without having to deal with crushes, or desperately wanting to fall in love because he still wasn't sure anyone would ever love him back. 

[jaehyunjung has posted a new photo]

Sicheng tapped the notification. 

That was also weird. Ever since meeting Ten he wasn't as excited about Jaehyun's updates as he used to be, even though the sole purpose of him contacting the elder was to get close to the model... But he had someone else to focus on now. Someone... _real_. Someone he could actually talk to and go out with and fall in love with. Someone who could  _maybe_  even love him back. 

He had a chance with Ten. He would never in a million years have a chance with Jaehyun. 

But he couldn't help but smile at the picture. Jaehyun was fucking gorgeous. He was smiling, as per usual, those dimples of his digging into his cheeks. He looked so happy, staring back at the camera, sunlight practically making his skin glow, a sprig of lavender tucked behind his ear. 

Wait. 

Lavender?

That was...an odd coincidence. 

He and Ten had both brought a bouquet home, to remind them of their date. Sicheng had popped his in a glass in the middle of his and Renjun's coffee table. They sort of brightened the place up. 

But...what if Ten had given his to Jaehyun? What if...

No. That made absolutely no sense. If Ten and Jaehyun were an item, then what in God's name would he be doing dating Sicheng? He barely compared. There was  _no way_  that anyone would cheat on Jaehyun, let alone with  _Sicheng._

Maybe they were just friends. They must know each other in one way or another. Maybe that's how he got the lavender. 

Or maybe it was a complete coincidence. 

Sicheng sighed, continuing to scroll through Jaehyun's Instagram, through pictures he has seen god knows how many times. God, he was absolutely gorgeous. 

He whined to himself, as something stirred. Why did Jaehyun have so many goddamn shirtless pictures on his social media? Surely he should be getting turned on by Ten now...right? Or was that creepy? They weren't officially going out or anything. 

But...Ten  _did_ look really fucking good wrapped around that pole. He was probably used to people...getting turned on by him, right? It was his job, after all. And it's not like he'd ever know...it wasn't  _that_  weird. Right?

Sicheng squeezed his thighs together. For fucks sake. He was  _so_ sick of this. It had been fucking ages since he got laid and if he didn't get some dick soon he was going to lose it. 

But that was easier said than done. The idea of getting naked in front of anyone terrified him. The judgement. The disgust. And even if he could pluck up the courage, usually through getting wasted, he couldn't exactly go out and get fucked by a random guy. He had this... _thing_  with Ten. Just because they weren't official that didn't mean he would go behind his back. He wasn't that kind of person. 

Sicheng whined again, faux-sobbing pathetically to himself. This was hopeless. He wasn't ready to tell Ten the truth yet, wanting to hold onto this just a little longer, before everything got ruined. Which he was pretty sure it would. That's what his anxiety was telling him, anyway. 

Nah, he couldn't sleep with Ten yet. He couldn't even bring himself to make a move, for God's sake. 

He was so fucking pathetic. 

Sicheng rocked his hips slightly, the seam of his boxers dipping, brushing up a certain bundle of nerves he both resented and absolutely fucking loved. 

He sighed again. This wasn't going away, was it? 

He opened Jaehyun's Instagram back up. This felt significantly less creepy - Jaehyun was a public figure, surely loads of people got off thinking about him. Ten was like...real. A real person. Jaehyun was...well, he was famous. This came with the territory, right? 

He swallowed thickly, opening up his favourite picture of Jaehyun. His body was...holy fuck. Imagine being trapped under  _that._

Sicheng moaned softly to himself, hand slipping past the waistband of his boxers. He didn't deserve this. He  _really_ didn't deserve to come right now, but-

_"Fuck."_

His back arched as he gasped out. 

He needed this. He  _really_  fucking needed this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	5. rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten and Sicheng are so damn cute together my fave boys :((

"How do you feel about Ten dating?"

"Hm?" Jaehyun looked up at his boyfriend, a single noodle hanging from his lips as he tried to swallow the mouthful of ramen he'd just taken before Jungwoo interrupted him.

"I think it's cute. I never thought it would happen, but," Jaehyun shrugged, "he seems happy."

Jungwoo hummed, playing with the amethyst ring on his middle finger. He wasn't so sure. 

"Why?"

"I dunno, I'm just...worried, I guess."

"How come? Has he mentioned anything about this Sicheng guy to make you think that?"

Jungwoo shook his head, Ten hadn't said a single bad word about Sicheng, but that kind of worried him even more. He hoped Ten wasn't having the wool pulled over his eyes again. That he wasn't being led to believe Sicheng would never hurt him and then...

"It seems like it's going really fast."

"They've been on three dates, Jungwoo. You moved in with me and Tae after like a month."

Jungwoo shot the elder a look. "That was different. Ten and I are...different."

Jaehyun sighed, placing his ramen down on the floor, hoping the dog wouldn't get at it because the table was too far away and he couldn't be bothered to get up, before shuffling closer to Jungwoo. 

"I know he's not a soppy romantic like you are, and he- he doesn't have much experience with all of this. But he'll be fine. You can't wrap him up in cotton wool forever."

Jungwoo may be younger than Ten, but he couldn't help but be protective of his best friend. He had already been through so much; he desperately wanted to shield him from any other evil in the world. 

"I know that, it's just, he's so-" Jungwoo faltered, trying to think of the word. Not naïve, Ten was anything but naïve, but... Inexperienced when it came to relationships? What if he couldn't pick up on any of the bad signs because- "I don't want him getting mixed up with someone like... _him_  again."

Jaehyun pulled Jungwoo into his side, arms wrapping around the younger. He knew exactly who he was talking about. Hansol. The very person that had made Ten's life a living hell. The very person they had rescued him from and did everything in their power to protect him from. 

He knew Jungwoo still wasn't quite over their last encounter with Hansol, that he still had nightmares about the shouting and the threats and the blood. Especially the blood. 

That he was still terrified that someone would come back and hurt Ten. One of Hansol's associates would recognise him and try and take him away or something. 

It was a reach, they were all fairly certain that chapter of their lives was well behind them. That Ten was safe now. But that 'what if?' always lingered in the back of Jungwoo's mind, and he wasn't sure it would ever go away. 

"That's not going to happen, okay? I won't let it. And Taeyong _definitely_ won't let it." Jungwoo laughed softly as Jaehyun pressed a kiss into mousey brown hair. "But we have to give people a chance, yeah? Not everyone is bad."

"I know that." Jungwoo usually saw the best in people; he just found it a little harder when Ten was concerned. "I just don't want him getting hurt."

"We need to let him experience this for himself, the whole dating thing. He's never had that before. He might get his heart broken, or things might work out perfectly and this guy might end up joining our family."

Jungwoo smiled at the thought. That'd be nice. 

"We need to let him make his own decisions, though, he's never really been in control of his own life, so-" Jaehyun sighed again. If he was being completely honest he was finding this difficult too. He wanted Ten to be happy, and would never get in the way of that, but he couldn't help but worry either. "We'll just keep an eye on him; make sure no one takes advantage of him. Ever again."

Jungwoo nodded against Jaehyun's chest. The last thing he wanted was to come off as possessive or controlling. Ten had had enough of that for one lifetime. He just couldn't bear the idea of anything happening to his best friend. 

But the idea of someone new was exciting. It was exciting when Ten joined them, and Doyoung was _practically_ family too. Maybe not in the way Jungwoo had hoped but... He didn't want to think about that right now. 

"I hope he's nice." Jungwoo snuggled further into Jaehyun's hold. His boyfriend had made a mistake here; there was no getting out of a cuddle when Jungwoo was involved. 

"He better be, or I'll-" Jaehyun was distracted by a slurping sound coming from near the sofa where he had left his- "Ruby!"

Jungwoo giggled as Jaehyun shot up to save his food from the Papillion. He hoped to god the elder wouldn't still eat it. He wouldn't be getting any kisses tonight if he did.  

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Do you want to drive for a bit? I'm bored."

Sicheng smiled to himself, head lulling back against the headrest of the passenger seat of Ten's car. 

"Yeah, sure, pull over."

This was their first little trip away together. It wasn't a big deal, really. Sicheng just really wanted to go to the beach, and the closest one to London was two whole hours away. They didn't want to waste money on trains, so they figured they'd make a day of it and drive. But an hour in and Ten was already complaining. 

They switched positions, the elder settling down in the passenger seat. He  _hated_  driving. He had only recently learned after Jaehyun convinced him it was a smart move, but he much preferred being chauffeured around by someone else. 

"I can't believe how sunny it is."

"I know right, we picked a good day to come down." Ten mused; hand hanging out of the open window, something Taeyong always told him off for. "I miss the sun. England isn't exactly known for its good weather."

"Where are you from, anyway?" It had only just dawned on Sicheng that he didn't actually know anything about Ten's childhood, about his past at all. He had an accent which he couldn't quite pick up on, one that definitely wasn't British, maybe American? He wasn't sure, but he was fairly sure Ten wasn't from England. 

"Thailand. I left when I was fifteen, been here ever since."

"Fifteen? That's a weird age to move, what with school and everything. I'm surprised your parents uprooted you at that age."

"They didn't."

"Hm?" Sicheng glanced over at Ten for a second, not wanting to take his eyes off the road for too long. 

"They still live in Thailand, as far as I'm aware. I ran away."

"Oh." Sicheng hadn't seen that one coming. Ten  _ran away?_ To  _England?_  What exactly had he been through when he was younger in order to do something so drastic? "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. My life here is a million times better than it ever was there." Sort of a lie.  _Now_  it was better. But starting out in England, on his own, without any qualifications wasn't the easiest. He had been through...well, some shit. But Jaehyun changed all of that. "I have a new family."

"Well, that's good." Sicheng smiled. He may not be particularly close to his own family, but he didn't know what he'd do without them. That's why he had never come out. He didn't want to risk losing them. "I'm glad you're happy now."

"I am!" Ten beamed, resting his hand on top of Sicheng's as he changed gears. "You should meet my family someday; I think you'd like them."

"Y-Your family?" Sicheng stuttered. That was...wow. A big step. Ten wanted him to meet the people that adopted him? Holy fuck. "Sure, I'd love to. I mean, you'd have to go quite a way to meet mine but...I live with my cousin, Renjun. You could meet him sometime if you wanted."

"That'd be nice." Tens heart fluttered a little. He had only ever met Jaehyun's mother before. He wasn't even entirely sure if Taeyong's parents knew about him, now he thought about it. 

They drove in silence for a little, Ten singing along to the radio as they blasted down the motorway. It was a weekday, and well after rush hour so the roads were pretty much empty. It was nice. Just the two of them. 

"Woah."

Ten had never expected a beach in England to be so pretty. It had taken almost two hours for them to get here, but it was actually worth it. He hadn't realised how much he missed the smell of salt in the air, the feel of the sand beneath his feet. It reminded him of home a little. Obviously, a tiny, fairly chilly beach on the south coast of Essex was nothing compared to Koh Samet, but still. 

"Have you never been here before?"

Ten shook his head. "I've never been to any beach here. It sounds dumb, but I kinda forgot we even have them."

"You  _literally_  live on an island." Sicheng scoffed. 

Ten nudged him with his elbow. "I know, but...it's not like a beachy place, you know? It's always cold and raining. Nothing like what we have back in Thailand."

Sicheng wasn't quite sure if Ten missed it or not; his home town. He clearly left for a reason, and it sounded like he hadn't been back, but... He had no idea. He didn't really want to ruin the mood by asking a load of intrusive questions. So, instead he chose to lace his fingers with Ten's as they walked, stomach flipping as the elder squeezed back. 

"Oh my god! We should get fish and chips!"

"Uh...okay?" That seemed like...kind of a weird combination, but he was pretty hungry so he'd go with it. 

However, he definitely wasn't expecting to be handed a deep fried fillet of fish accompanied by the greasiest fries he'd ever seen in his life - all wrapped up in newspaper. 

"You look confused." Ten quipped, picking away at his chips with this tiny wooden fork thing. 

"Is this...normal?" Sicheng tugged at the newspaper, now saturated with grease. This didn't seem all too...sanitary. 

"You've  _never_ had fish and chips before?"

"I mean I've had fish, and I've had chips, but-"

"How long have you lived here?"

"A year."

Ten hummed, unsure how Sicheng had managed to avoid it up until now. It was just about the only actual British food he could think of. Maybe it wasn't as well known outside of the UK as he first thought.  

The two of them ate, sat on the edge of a pier. It was nice, being away from the city. It got kind of boring after a while; the hustle and bustle, the pollution induced heat, the congestion. It was nice to get away. He should suggest this to Jaehyun and the rest of them sometime. They deserved a break. 

Spending time with Sicheng was...nice. The younger was pretty reserved, but he seemed to be relaxing in Ten's company a little. Ten liked that. Loud people tended to put him off, he couldn't really be bothered with trying to match their energy. 

He hadn't realised he'd been staring at Sicheng's side profile as the strawberry blonde looked out to sea until he noticed a fat droplet of water running down his cheek. Was- Was he crying? 

He was just about to ask what was wrong when he felt something wet on his forearm. 

Great. 

Within seconds the heavens opened, drenching the two of them as they ran back to the car. Classic unpredictable British weather. Sun was always too good to be true on this temperamental little island. 

"For fucks sake." Ten groaned diving in the passenger seat. This wasn't exactly how he wanted this date to end up. 

But for some reason Sicheng was smiling. Absolutely soaked through, hair dripping wet, eyeliner smudged. But he seemed...happy?

The two of them shared a look before bursting out laughing. Neither of them even really knew why. Their date had just reached that point of ridiculousness; driving two hours to go to the beach only for it to pour down with rain. Typical. 

"Oh my god." Sicheng breathed out. As if his stomach hurt from laughing so hard at nothing. "We should probably head back, it doesn't look like it's gonna let up anytime soon."

Ten's eyes fixed back on Sicheng's profile, just like before the rain started. He was so fucking pretty. He had the longest eyelashes Ten had ever seen on anyone and the cutest little button nose. And his lips...they were so pouty and...pink. He wondered if he was wearing a lip gloss or if that was just natural. Only one way to find out he guessed. 

"Can I kiss you?" Ten wasn't usually so hesitant in situations like this, but he had promised himself he wasn't going to use sex as a way to get people to like him anymore. He wasn't going to dive head first into these things. 

"Y-Yeah if you want."

Ten smiled, leaning across the gear box, thankful Sicheng met him halfway because he was only small and wasn't sure he could reach much further. 

He hummed quietly as Sicheng's lips brushed against his. It was just about the softest kiss he had ever experienced, but then again Sicheng didn't exactly look like the type of guy that was about to ram his tongue down Ten's throat. It was weird how he actually seemed to...trust him. Maybe not totally, but enough to make out with the younger in his car without feeling like Sicheng was suddenly going to change and force him into something he didn't want. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this at ease with someone so quickly. Probably...never. 

Sicheng could feel his cheeks burning as Ten kissed him. This was really happening. They had been on a handful of dates by now, and never really did anything more than holding hands. He found it a little odd, actually, considering how overly flirty Ten was during their lessons, before Sicheng asked him out. He seemed to retreat back into his shell now they were kinda dating. Maybe it was just a front he put on. Or maybe he was just a little hesitant when it came to relationships. From little snippets of what he had told Sicheng he figured that was the most likely reason. But he definitely wasn't complaining, he had his own reservations after all. 

But this was...nice. Really nice. Ten tasted like honey, and would giggle softly against Sicheng's lips when their noses would bump against one another's. 

Sicheng leaned in, closer and closer, hands reaching across the gearbox to prop himself up on Ten's chair, fingers searching for the elder's, desperate to lace them together in an attempt to ground himself. He had never felt this light headed from a kiss that didn't even involve tongues before. Ten seemed to quite literally take his breath away. 

"Come here," Ten squeezed through the two front seats, into the back, "I can't reach you properly."

Sicheng scoffed, following with the little less grace. Stupid ridiculously long limbs. "Maybe you shouldn't be so tiny."

"Well, maybe  _you_  shouldn't be so gangly, Bambi." Ten laughed to himself as one of Sicheng's legs got stuck. He was pretty fucking cute. 

"Stop calling me that." Sicheng whined, bottom lip jutted out, giving Ten the perfect opportunity to lunge back in. How could he resist when Sicheng was sitting there, hair dripping wet, an adorable pout that could rival even Jungwoo's on his lips. There was just something about Sicheng that he was drawn to. It wasn't the raw sexual magnetism he had first felt for Jaehyun, or the need to be looked after he desperately craved from Taeyong. Sicheng just made him...happy, he guessed. He was soft and didn't expect anything from him. He never pushed for anything more like most guys would; despite the fact Ten practically gave him a lap dance the other month. Most guys would take that as an open invitation. 

But not Sicheng. Sicheng actually seemed to respect him, treat him like a human. He still wasn't quite used to that so it made him feel kinda...tingly. 

"I like calling you that." Ten smiled as he pulled back from the kiss. "It's cute. Like you."

"Y-You think I'm cute?"

"Yeah..." Ten could feel his cheeks heating up; he wasn't great at all of this. "I do."

"I- Thanks." Sicheng couldn't remember the last time anyone had called him that. "I think you're pretty cute too."

Ten felt himself flush further, leaning back in the steal another kiss. "Cute isn't usually a word people use to describe me."

Sicheng could sense the bitterness in Ten's voice, masked with satire. Ten had never outright told him any horror stories from his time as a stripper, but Sicheng could only assume that most people treated him like a piece of meat. 

But Sicheng didn't see him like that, he saw the talented dancer, the sharp-witted boy that never failed to make him smile with his blunt mannerisms and slightly dark sense of humour, this tiny, adorable little ball of sass that made him want to step out of his own shell a little more. The last thing he saw Ten as was a piece of meat.

"Well, it's what _I_ use to describe you."

Ten couldn't hold back his grin. He had never expected to feel like this again. He wasn't anywhere near as much of a romantic as Jaehyun was. Hell, that was the last word he would use to describe himself. But the butterflies and the fleeting touches and the hesitant giggles - that was something he never had with Jaehyun and Taeyong. They hadn't exactly done the whole dating and falling in love thing. 

He wasn't even sure how to respond, not with words, anyway, so he did what he did best; pulled Sicheng in by the collar of his t-shirt and kissed him. Hard. 

Sicheng whimpered softly at the sudden contact, as Ten's lips moved against his, as fingers combed through wet hair. His head was swimming. He had told himself that he wasn't going to rush into this, that he wasn't going to let himself fall as quickly as he used to because he couldn't let his heart be broken again. 

But it was difficult when Ten was saying all the right things and kissing him so passionately like he never wanted to let go. He wanted to give himself up. Completely. 

"Ten..." Sicheng gasped out as they parted for a split second, hands coming to rest in each side of the elder's face, pulling him in closer. He couldn't help himself. He needed more. He hadn't gotten laid in fucking forever and Ten just had this ability to push any negative thoughts out of his mind. 

Ten moaned as Sicheng pushed forward, so he was pressed up against the car door. He parted his lips, letting Sicheng take control as the younger slid his tongue into his mouth. Sicheng was a much better kisser than he had imagined, when the two of them talked he seemed so...inexperienced. So hesitant to talk about anything sexual. Ten couldn't help but make an innuendo or dick joke at any given opportunity, and Sicheng would always laugh, but it seemed a little forced. Like they made him uncomfortable. 

But this was a stark contrast to what Ten was used to from him. And, well, he liked it.

"Wow." He breathed, brushing damp strands of strawberry blonde hair out of Sicheng's eyes. "You're pretty good at that."

He moaned as Sicheng kissed him again, chests pressed together as a tongue delved back in his mouth. He couldn't remember the last time he kissed anyone that wasn't one of his boyfriends but holy fuck, this felt better than he had ever imagined. He had been so scared of getting close to anyone else, so scared of even talking to men outside of his home, but Sicheng changed that. He showed him that not everyone was a bad guy. That not everyone wanted to use him. 

"That's not all I'm good at."

"Fuck."

Things were starting to get heated - in more way than one. Their kisses were becoming more passionate as the temperature in Tens car rose, condensation from their damp clothes fogging up the windows. 

Ten wanted nothing more than Sicheng to spread his legs and just stick it in him. He wanted to be fucked senseless by this amazing boy that blushed when they held hands and made his stomach flutter. He wanted Sicheng to make his eyes roll back in his head as he moaned his name over and over and-

No. 

He couldn't do this. 

Not yet. 

He promised himself he wasn't going to use sex as a crutch anymore. That he was more than just his body and he couldn't give it up that easily. He needed to take this slowly if he wanted this to go anywhere. The last thing he wanted was to base an entire relationship on sex. 

Even if Sicheng felt really,  _really_  good moving against him. 

"Sicheng-"

"Mm- Yeah?" Sicheng loved hearing Ten say his name, but he couldn't stay away from the elder's lips, dipping back in to kiss him. He tasted like salt from the sea air and Sicheng was pretty sure he would associate that with the dancer for the rest of his life. 

"Can we- Can we slow things down a little?"

Sicheng pulled back. Way back. Sitting down at the other side of the back seat. What was wrong? Had Ten felt his binder? Was it because he wasn't getting hard? Did he know?

"I'm sorry!" The two of them blurted out in unison, laughing softly at one another's reaction. 

"No- I- I don't want to lead you on. I like you and I just- I don't want to rush things. I'm not ready for... _that._ "

Sicheng breathed a sigh of relief. Oh thank god. In the heat of the moment he had forgotten about his...situation. Too wrapped up in the way Ten tasted to even consider it. 

Wait-

"You like me?"

Ten nodded slowly. It wasn't exactly easy for him to say that aloud, but he didn't want Sicheng to think he was some kind of tease.

"So you're not, like- You want to...sometime?"

"Of course!" Ten reached across to take Sicheng's hands in his own.  _God_  did he want to. He just wasn't ready. He had been through too much in the past to just jump into bed with someone new. He was scared it would bring up too many old memories Jaehyun and Taeyong had helped him forget. "I do I just- Not yet. I need a little more time that's all."

Sicheng nodded. Honestly, that was probably for the best. He wasn't exactly ready either. He should really tell Ten that he was transgender instead of just stripping off and springing it on him in the heat of passion. He was sure that would go down like a bag of shit. Plus, he knew Ten had a past, found it difficult to trust people. It didn't surprise him that sex was part of that. 

"That's okay. I understand."

"R-Really?" Ten hadn't expected that. Most guys he'd known in the past didn't take no for an answer. 

"Yeah, I mean I would never force you to do something you don't want."

Ten cleared his throat, cheeks flushing. It still astounded him that there were more guys out there like Jaehyun and Taeyong. Guys that respected him. Guys that didn't just take what they wanted. 

"Thanks."

"You don't have to thank me." Sicheng rubbed tiny circles into the Ten's hand with his thumb. "Taking it slow is probably for the best. I mean, we aren't even boyfriends yet."

"B-Boyfriends?"

"Yeah... Do you- uh, do you want to? Be my boyfriend?"

Ten's breath caught in the back of his throat.  _Boyfriend?_ Sicheng wanted to be his boyfriend? This was- Well, it was huge. 

"I-" He already had a boyfriend.  _Two_ , in fact. "You want  _me_  to be your boyfriend? Why?"

"Cause I like you too."

Ten shifted. Could he really say yes? Sicheng didn't even know about Taeyong and Jaehyun, but at the same time, he couldn't just tell him. They had too much to lose. This getting out could end Jaehyun's career. But at then again, he didn't like the idea of lying. 

But, he  _did_ like Sicheng. 

"I-I have a lot of baggage."

"Me too." Sicheng squeezed Ten's fingers a little tighter. "Maybe we can work on clearing it together."

Ten couldn't help but smile, Sicheng was so fucking _cute._ Maybe this would be good for him, having someone else to talk to. Someone who didn't know absolutely everything about him. Someone who wouldn't pity him. 

"Maybe."

"Is that a yes?"

Ten giggled softly as Sicheng's eyes widened in hope. 

"Yes! Yes, I'll be your boyfriend!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	6. mooncakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 6!! and a reminder that ten in this au is my favourite character out of ANY soft my fics aaaaaah i love him he's like a lil hedgehog all prickly on the outside but soft and fluffy on the inside I LOVE HIM

Jungwoo sat back in his chair, smirking over the rim of his lemongrass tea as he watched Ten flit about the kitchen. Ten was anything but a domestic goddess, but this afternoon he had decided to clean the whole house from top to bottom, practically gliding as he moved. 

He had gotten used to the idea of Ten dating, and while he may still be a tad apprehensive about the idea of someone potentially taking advantage of his best friend, talking to Jaehyun had put his mind to rest a little. The three of them would do everything in their power to protect him the best they could, but Ten needed a little of his independence back. 

Plus, from what Ten had told him about Sicheng so far he seemed harmless, and it was adorable watching the dancer gush about someone, even if he didn't realise he was doing it sometimes. Jungwoo didn't want to be the one to get in the way of something beautiful. 

He was the hopeless romantic of the group, after all. 

"We should go get some flowers for that vase on the windowsill. Dahlias would look pretty there. Oh! And we should get more fairly lights for outside because it'll be getting dark quicker soon, but we can still eat outside, right?"

Jungwoo pulled a chair out beside him as Taeyong wandered into the kitchen, urging the elder to sit down next to him and watch. 

"Oh my god! Can we order, like, Moroccan food and eat in the garden tonight?" Ten spun around, hands clasped tightly together. He looked like something out of a cheesy 80s musical. "I'm gonna go get my laptop so we can look at menus!"

With that he practically skipped out of the kitchen, leaving a still smirking Jungwoo and a very bewildered Taeyong behind. 

"What's up with him?"

"I think he's in love."

Taeyong quirked an eyebrow. In love? Ten? Ten who hated admitting he had feelings for anyone or anything and kept everything bottled up? Jungwoo thought he was skipping around the house because he was  _in love?_  That didn't sound right. 

"I dunno, that doesn't really sound like him. You, maybe. But not Ten."

The two of them were pulled from their conversation by a squeak from the kitchen door as Ten pranced back in, a bunch of flowers in his hands. 

"Okay, so, I forgot my laptop because I got distracted by these flowers in our garden. They're so pretty, right?"

Taeyong's jaw dropped as Jungwoo turned to him with a smug grin on his face. Who the fuck was this and what had they done with Ten?

"Oh god, you're right. He is."

"Hm?" Ten looked over his bouquet at the two of them. Why were they staring at him? "What?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me! Why are you looking at me like that?"

"How's Sicheng doing?" Jungwoo placed his mug down, propping an elbow on the table so he could rest his head in his hand. 

"Wh-" Ten flushed. For fucks sake. "H-He's fine, why?"

"Just curious." Jungwoo shrugged, leaning back to take another sip of tea, making Ten's eyes narrow. 

What was going on here? He didn't like the smirks on Jungwoo and Taeyong's faces. Why were they taking about him? This was making him...anxious. 

"Seriously. What's going on?" Ten threw the flowers on the table, pulling out another seat and plonking himself down on it, eyebrows furrowed. Now this was the Ten Taeyong knew and loved. 

"We were just talking about how upbeat you are today."

"Oh, so now I'm not allowed to be happy?"

"No! We think it's cute. Something - or someone - has clearly put you in a good mood."

"Well..." Ten tilted his head, trying to think back. He actually was in a really good mood today. Maybe it was because he didn't have to go to work later. Nah. Days off never usually made him this happy. "Jaehyun did make me come untouched this morning..."

Jungwoo scoffed. That definitely wasn't it. 

"It has nothing to do with your date yesterday?"

Ten could feel his face heating up again, but he tried to force it back down. He didn't blush. That was for fucking school girls and virgins. And he was neither of those things. 

"It was pretty fun, yeah."

"Fun?" Taeyong quirked an eyebrow. He knew exactly what Ten classed as fun.

"Not like that, perv." The younger scoffed. "I want to take things slow. I don't...really feel comfortable being that...intimate with anyone else yet."

Taeyong smiled, reaching across the table to lace his fingers with his boyfriend's. He knew how hard it was for Ten to let anyone in. His walls were still built so high. 

"I'm proud of you."

Ten rolled his eyes, uttering out a 'thanks, mum', although, to be honest, he was pretty proud of himself too. He wasn't using sex as a crutch anymore, as a way to get people to like him. He was finding that actually, he was more than that, more than just a stripper with a shady past who was undeniably good in bed. He could win people over with his personality alone, and that seemed like a pretty big achievement in his opinion. 

Sicheng actually liked him. He liked  _him._ Not his body. Not his ass. Not the way he screamed and begged for more. He liked  _Ten._ As an actual human being. He didn't even know people like that existed before he met Jaehyun, but it still shocked him that they did. He never thought he was worth anything, but...maybe he was. 

"He...He asked me to be his boyfriend."

"Oh my god!" Jungwoo gasped, hand coming to rest above his heart. Ten pulled a face, knowing fine well he wasn't even being sarcastic. "Did you say yes?"

Ten shifted slightly in his seat. He didn't like all these questions. It was different when it was just him and Sicheng, the strawberry blonde just made him feel...relaxed, somehow. It was weird because he was equally, if not more, nervous than Ten was, but somehow that calmed him. He wasn't sure it was logical, but it worked. 

Whereas, Jungwoo was a whole ball of energy when he got excited over something. He was usually completely calm; the most soft spoken person Ten had ever come across. He was like cotton candy and new born lambs personified. But when he was excited...Ten just couldn't get him to shut up. 

"...Yeah."

"Really?" Taeyong's eyebrows shot up under dark hair. He hadn't seen that coming. This was moving really quick, by Ten's standards, anyway. He wouldn't even think about using the word boyfriend with him and Jaehyun at first. 

"Well, yeah." Ten shrugged. "We're dating aren't we? And he's been really sweet, he hasn't tried to coerce me into anything, he doesn't ask too many questions..."

"Are you gonna tell him about us?"

Ten shrugged again. He figured it was probably the right thing to do, but...he felt bad for lying to Sicheng up until now, and what if he didn't want to share? This was huge. Ten had two other boyfriends. 

"I mean...eventually. I've asked him if he wants to come meet you guys some time, but I'm not sure if I want to tell him right away. I'm scared he'll freak out."

Taeyong and Jungwoo exchanged a glance. Ten must  _really_  like this guy if he cared that much. Other people's feelings weren't usually at the top of the dancers list of priorities. 

"I think it's best if you do, baby, you don't want to keep lying to him."

"I know, but-"

"Surely it's better if you know how he feels about us earlier on in the relationship. Right? Before things get too serious?" Jungwoo backed Taeyong up. The last thing he wanted was Ten to get hurt. 

"Yeah, you're right." Ten sighed, elbow resting on the table so he could prop his head up on his hand. He had kind of been trying to forget about the whole situation, pushing it to the back of his mind because he didn't want to compromise what he and Sicheng had. 

He didn't even fully understand how it happened. How  _he_  was falling for someone. But Sicheng was...he was cute and kind and respectful of Ten's boundaries. He was shy and reserved and had this vulnerability about him that Ten kind of wanted to protect. He reminded him of himself in a way. He was clearly carrying something around, something that made him so anxious and nervous around people and Ten just hoped to god it wasn't anything like what he had been through. The idea of anyone doing that to Sicheng made him sick.  

"You're totally in love."

Ten snapped out of his thoughts, mouth agape as he turned to Jungwoo. What. The. Fuck? 

"You what?"

"Look how red your ears are when you think about him." Jungwoo shuffled around the table, pinching the shell of Ten's pierced ear, pointing out the fact they were burning up. "Adorable."

"I am  _not_  in love with him, Woo. Don't be so fucking ridiculous." Ten swatted his best friends hand away. Jungwoo was insane. Completely and utterly insane. 

"Are you sure?" Taeyong tilted his head, fingers still laced with the younger's. "Because you've literally been floating on cloud nine all day, and I know fine well you were messaging him before. You get this dumb smile on your face every time."

Ten couldn't believe what he was hearing. 

"How do you know I was texting him? It could have been Jaehyun. I could have been watching videos of cute puppies."

"Were you?"

Ten faltered, eyes flicking between the two of them. Fucking hell. 

"...no."

"So you were texting Sicheng?"

Ten couldn't actually believe this was fucking happening. 

"...maybe."

"Oh my god! Our baby is in love!" Ten's eyes widened as Jungwoo threw his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. Taeyong simply giggled as he mouthed a 'help me'. Jesus Christ. Well, he definitely wasn't getting any tonight. 

"I'm not!" Ten whined, trying to squirm away from Jungwoo. He was a lot fucking stronger than he looked. Ten  _did not_  fall for people that easily. He just didn't. It had took him fucking ages to even realise he felt anything for Jaehyun, and the model had completely fawned over him for months. There was no fucking way he had fallen in love with Sicheng in a matter of weeks. That was just ridiculous. People didn't fall in love that easily. Especially not people like Ten. 

"You totally are! Oh my god, you two are so cute together!" Ten whined again as Jungwoo pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek. This was...humiliating. He kind of just wanted the ground to swallow him up right now. 

"I'm gonna break up with him just to spite you."

"Okay! Enough!" Taeyong interjected. Knowing Ten he actually probably would do that. He didn't want to ruin his boyfriend's happiness just because Jungwoo was getting overly excited. "Baby, let him go."

Jungwoo pouted, sighing out a 'fine' as he let go of his best friend. He was having so much fun teasing him too. Ten dating someone else was turning out to be amazing, actually. 

"You know it's okay to have feelings, right Muffin?"

Ten rolled his eyes. Here Taeyong went again, off on another one of his maternal pep talks. 

"Can we  _please_  not talk about this? You're both making me nauseous."

"Okay, fine." Taeyong held his hands up in surrender. Pushing the subject would only make things worse, he knew openly talking about stuff like this made Ten uncomfortable, and if he knew his boyfriend as well as he thought he did, he wouldn't put it past him risking his own happiness and dumping Sicheng just so he didn't have to talk about it anymore. "We'll back off, right Jungwoo?"

"I guess." Jungwoo pouted. He wanted to gush over how cute Ten and Sicheng were, but maybe he'd just have to do that from afar. 

"Great. Thank you." Ten stood up, tucking his chair back in. "Because you're both being absolutely ridiculous. There's no way I would ever fall for someone that quickly. You know fine well how hard I find it to trust other people. I'm not stupid." 

Ten scooped his flowers up, striding over to the widow above the sink. They had this gorgeous crystal vase that had been empty for far too long, he just wanted it to look pretty again. That didn't mean he was in love. Jesus Christ. Where did Taeyong and Jungwoo even get their trains of thoughts from? 

"Now, someone go get my laptop so we can decide what take out we're getting tonight."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Ten was...nervous. Like, really nervous. Sicheng was coming over to meet everyone for the first time and he needed everything to be perfect. 

"Jungwoo! Can you  _please_  use a coaster you're going to leave a mark and I've just polished the coffee table."

"You sound like Taeyong." The younger scoffed, picking up his can of cola in the hope Ten would stop his bitching. He'd been like this all morning and Jungwoo was wrecked from having to dust and vacuum the living room three times because apparently he kept missing spots. 

Ten chose to ignore him. He was far too up a height and the last thing he needed was getting in an argument he knew fine well he wouldn't win. Despite Jungwoo's sugary, soft spoken nature, he had absolutely no problem putting Ten in his place when he needed to. 

"Tae! Is the food nearly ready?"

"It will be." Taeyong popped his head around the kitchen door, hair tied up in a tiny, fluffy ponytail on the top of his head. "Stop stressing."

That was easier said than done. 

This was so unlike him, he didn't usually care too much about what people thought about him, but Sicheng was different. He  _really_ liked him, and he wanted Sicheng to like the rest of his family more than anything. 

He looked at his watch, foot tapping anxiously. 

"Where's Jaehyun? He said he'd be back by now."

"He'll just be running late, you know what he's like." Jungwoo was pretty sure Jaehyun would be late to his own funeral. It was a miracle he still got booked for modelling gigs considering his inability to show up on time for anything. "Come on, sit down. Relax a little." 

Ten whined to himself, snuggling into Jungwoo's side as the younger stretched his arm out, inviting him over. He smiled softly as Jungwoo pressed soft kisses to his hair. If anything was going to help him relax, it would be that. 

He had never done this before; had a boyfriend over. He had basically moved in with the three of them before he had even started dating Taeyong or Jaehyun, and, well, he'd never actually been in a relationship before that. 

That's why he was so nervous. He had no idea what to expect. 

"You're gonna be nice to him, right?"

Jungwoo snorted softly, that was rich coming from Ten. 

"When am I ever not nice?"

Ten hummed. Okay, that was fair. Maybe it was Taeyong he'd have to warn, he knew how protective the elder was of him. 

"I mean, I could get revenge considering how you are with Doyoung."

Ten pressed his chin into Jungwoo's sternum so he could look up at him, eyes narrowed in warning. 

"Maybe I should invite him over."

"Don't you dare." Ten may be... _slightly_ more okay with Doyoung being in their lives, but let's not get carried away. He wasn't part of their family, just some asshole Jungwoo was friends with. 

"I'm kidding! You need to stop worrying so much, it's gonna be fine."

Ten knew that, but it was easier said than done.

He had just got himself settled when the doorbell rang, jumping out of Jungwoo's arms, brushing the creases out of his clothes with his hands as he ran over to the door. Sicheng was already here and Jaehyun wasn't back. Where the fuck was he?

"Hi!" Ten beamed as he opened the front door, stomach twisting with nerves. 

"Hey." Sicheng leaned in the press a kiss to his boyfriend's cheek. "I wasn't sure what we were eating but I didn't want to turn up empty handed so...I brought mooncakes."

"Oh my god!" Ten gasped as Sicheng held up a red cardboard box. "I haven't had mooncakes for  _years._ Where did you find them?"

"I made them. Well, my cousin did after I ruined the first batch."

"That's so sweet." Ten could feel himself falling further and further for Sicheng every day and he wasn't entirely sure he liked it. The other boy was so kind and caring, though, how could he not? "Come on and meet everyone."

Ten took Sicheng by the hand, leading him into the living room where Jungwoo and Taeyong were sat, waiting anxiously to finally get a glimpse of the infamous Sicheng. 

"Sicheng, these are my housemates and my best friends; Taeyong and Jungwoo"

Sicheng's eyes widened. Was that...was that the mysterious @ty___95? He never had accepted Sicheng's follow request so he had never been able to find anything out about him, but...wow. He was gorgeous. If this was him then he was more than sure he could be the one dating Jaehyun. 

"It's nice to meet you."

"Oh my god Ten, he's adorable!" Jungwoo jumped out of his seat, arms wrapping around Sicheng as the elder froze. He hadn't been expecting that. "And tall. Taller than I thought he'd be."

Ten rolled his eyes at Jungwoo's ridiculous observation as Taeyong got up to greet Sicheng in his own, less forthcoming way, with a simple handshake. 

"Hey, I'm Taeyong. Dinner will be ready soon."

"Thank you." Sicheng could feel his cheeks heating up as Taeyong held his gaze. He'd never seen someone so...ethereal looking before. In fact, they were both gorgeous. Sicheng wondered how Ten managed to have so many attractive friends. And just what the fuck he was doing with him while he lived with these two. In this big ass house. 

Actually, that was something he hadn't even commented on yet. When Ten gave him directions to his place he had expected to roll up to some humble little flat with weeds in the garden and an unmade bed because Ten didn't really strike him as the domestic type, not a fucking seven bedroom mansion. 

"Your house is beautiful." 

"Thanks!" Taeyong beamed. He took a lot of pride in keeping their home spic and span. "I'm sure Ten would be more than happy to give you the tour later."

"We have a hot tub." The dancer raised his eyebrows suggestively, elbowing Sicheng in the arm. Oh great. Just what he needed. A fucking hot tub. 

"Great." He replied with a weak laugh, not wanting to raise any suspicions. He'd have to think of a way to get out of that later. 

Taeyong checked his watch with a sigh. Jaehyun still wasn't back but if he didn't dish up soon everything would be ruined. 

"I'm gonna start plating up soon." He took the box of desserts from Sicheng with a smile, figuring the boy probably felt pretty awkward just standing there with them. "And don't worry, I'll ring him."

Ten let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding in until Taeyong gave him a comforting look. He was starting to stress over the fact Jaehyun wasn't here yet. He needed his main support system here - this was a huge step for him, bringing someone home. 

"Ring who?" Sicheng's eyebrows furrowed as Taeyong left to begin plating up their food. 

"Oh, just our other housemate." Jungwoo lied with a smile. He'd gotten pretty good at that over the years. "He's  _always_  late."

"Is that where you get it from?" Sicheng scoffed, making Ten nudge him again. 

"Shut up or you won't be getting any food. And Taeyong's carbonara is to die for." Ten laced their fingers together, pulling Sicheng into their dining room, the table set for five. 

Sicheng couldn't get over how gorgeous this place was. He wondered just how much strippers earned in a night for Ten to be able to afford to live here. Surely a house this big didn't come cheap. 

"Listen to me, Yoonoh, get your ass home this instant or you'll have me to deal with." Taeyong hissed down the phone, tucked between his ear and his shoulder as he carried two plates of pasta into the dining room before completely changing his expression and beaming brightly. "Foods ready!"

"This looks so good, Yonggie, I'm starving!" Jungwoo practically drooled as Taeyong placed the food down in front of Ten and Sicheng. 

"Is he on his way?" Ten was beginning to worry. He  _needed_  Jaehyun to be here. Even if they couldn't act like they were together in front of Sicheng, he needed Jaehyun's presence to help calm his nerves. 

"Stuck in traffic, but he's only a few streets away. Don't worry, sweetie."

Sicheng picked up on Ten's drop in mood. Why was he so bothered about this guy being here anyway? Sicheng didn't really care that much. If he was being perfectly honest, the less people he had to meet in a day the better. 

"So, Sicheng, you're a student, right?" Jungwoo asked after a few minutes of the four of them sitting in an awkward silence. 

"Yeah, I study photography. I graduate in a couple of months though; I dunno what I'll do after that."

"Are you interested in editorial and stuff?" Sicheng nodded his head. "Because I could probably help you get some experience on set."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah! I'm a makeup artist; I work with photographers all the time." Sicheng uttered out a soft 'thank you' as Ten squeezed his thigh. It hadn't been that long since Sicheng came over, but things were going great so far. If only Jaehyun would hurry the fuck up. 

"That's actually how I met-"

"Honey, I'm home!" Jungwoo stopped mid-sentence as their front door slammed. Finally. 

Sicheng cocked his head. That voice sounded...familiar. 

"He's not that late." Taeyong sighed, looking at his watch. "Honestly, it's a miracle he even gets booked anymore."

"People will forgive anything when you're that pretty."

"Your dinner's on the bench! We're in the dining room!" Taeyong called out. He wasn't going to get up and serve Jaehyun his food when he'd already started eating. 

Sicheng twisted his nose. Who were they talking about? He was intrigued now that this mystery man was here and he couldn't see him. He could hear someone rattling around in the kitchen and he could feel the anxiety rising in his chest. He never was great with surprises. 

"Oh my god, I've had the craziest day." Sicheng could hear someone on the other side of the door, breath shallowing as it began to move. "I had to-"

Sicheng dropped his fork, wincing as it clattered against the plate because how fucking embarrassing but he seemed to lose all control of his hands as the most gorgeous person he'd never set eyes on pushed through the door. Tall dark and handsome was an understatement. Broad shoulders, a soft dimpled smile and a way too tight t-shirt clinging to every single muscle and- Oh god. 

He felt like he might pass out. 

"Oh hi, you must be Sicheng."

Holy fuck. 

He was in the same room as Jaehyun Jung. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	7. polyam......ory?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW it's only been a few days since I last updated this but I have had THE WORST day and needed a lil tenwin in my life and OH LOOK AT THAT THE SWEET DELICIOUS ANGST IS FINaLLY STARTING uwu pls enjoy xo
> 
> Trigger warning: there is a v small, non-graphic mention of past self harm in this chapter.

Sicheng felt numb as he scrolled through Instagram, not really paying attention to what he was liking. 

Did tonight really happen? 

Did he just have dinner with Jaehyun Jung?

Does his boyfriend seriously  _live_  with Jaehyun Jung? 

 

_"You were kinda quiet during dinner. We didn't make you uncomfortable did we?"_

_"Hm?" Sicheng was sat on Ten's bed, not really sure where to go from here until his boyfriend spoke up. "No, your friends are really nice. I'm just...kinda awkward when it comes to new people."_

_"Well, they like you if that's any consolation."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, of course." Ten smiled from the opposite end of his bed. He felt kind of weird having another guy in his room, but he trusted Sicheng enough not to try anything. Plus, Taeyong and Jaehyun were just in the room next door and he knew his boyfriend would be here in a flash if he needed him. "You passed Taeyong's excessive questioning, so that's a good sign. He's really protective of me."_

_Sicheng returned the smile, weakly, but he had to make an effort. This all seemed to surreal. He had only met up with Ten to find out more about Jaehyun and now... Well, they were dating. He felt like kind of an asshole for using him like this._

_"It's just- When you said you wanted me to meet your family, I thought you meant adoptive parents or something."_

_"Oh... No, I don't have anything like that." Ten swallowed, he knew Sicheng must be wondering how he managed to survive on his own at such a young age. That definitely wasn't a conversation he was willing to get into tonight. "I class them as my family, though."_

_Sicheng nodded, he could tell how much they all meant to Ten, if the amount of photos of the four of them scattered around the house was anything to go by, anyway. They seemed close...really close. He wondered if any of them were dating._

_He wondered if any of them were dating Jaehyun._

_"And I definitely wasn't expecting you to live with a world famous model."_

_"Jaehyun? Yeah." Ten laughed softly, feeling equally as guilty as Sicheng was. He'd just invited his boyfriend over for dinner with his other boyfriends. He'd just eaten with them having no idea Ten was in a relationship with the two of them. He knew he'd have to tell him at some point, he just wasn't sure how. This wasn't exactly normal. Was this considered...cheating? "I probably should have warned you about that."_

_"It's fine. Just...a shock." Sicheng had never felt this awful in a long time. His chest felt like it was about to explode and he was pretty sure it wasn't just because he'd worn his binder for too long today._

_He didn't think he felt guilt anymore, not after all the shit he'd pulled with guys that had fucked him over in the past. But then again, they deserved it. Ten didn't._

_"He seems really nice though. Like, down to earth."_

_"He's the best." Ten scratched at his cheek, trying to hide the fact he knew he was blushing as he thought back to how he and Jaehyun met. "Really."_

 

"So, how was dinner with the family?" Renjun threw himself down on the sofa, legs stretched across Sicheng's longer ones. 

"Weird."

"Weird how?"

"Well, his family turned out to be three guys he lives with."

"That is kinda weird." Renjun hummed before taking a bite of the sandwich he'd just made himself. 

"And one of them is Jaehyun Jung."

"You what?" Renjun choked out, desperately grabbing for his can of coke as bread lodged itself in his throat. 

"He lives with Jaehyun." Sicheng replied, voice emotionless as he passed Renjun his drink, not wanting to have to rush his cousin to A and E. 

"Well, that's great right? Now you can get all sorts of inside information about him."

"Well no, because I'm gonna have to break up with Ten."

"What? Why?" Renjun didn't understand Sicheng's trains of thoughts at the best of times, but surely this was perfect. Right? 

"Because I'm a fucking asshole, Renjun. I feel like I'm using him."

Renjun sighed, setting his sandwich down on their coffee table. He'd finish it when he was done talking to Sicheng; it was too much of a choking hazard right now. 

"I thought you liked him though."

"I do." Sicheng groaned. "I really fucking do. He's really nice and he doesn't pressure me and I feel like...I dunno, I could actually fall for him, but- I'm lying to him about so much."

"You still haven't told him you're transgender?"

Sicheng shook his head, letting it lull back against the sofa. Why was he such a mess?

"Then why don't you?"

"I'm scared. I can't cope with being rejected again, Jun. I'd rather be the one to end it."

Renjun sighed, he knew how hard this was for Sicheng, but he had to be realistic here. "You can't keep this from him forever. He's going to find out one way or another. Wouldn't you rather it was on your own terms? And before you fall for him? Because I know fine well you don't actually want to break things off."

Sicheng averted Renjun's gaze. He hated that his little baby cousin had so much more common sense than he did. He should be the one giving Renjun dating advice, not the other way round. 

"You're right." He couldn't keep lying. He just had to bite the bullet and tell Ten the truth. 

Renjun smirked, pushing Sicheng with his foot in an attempt to get the elder to smile. 

"I'm always right." 

 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"So, what did you think?" Ten perched himself on the arm of their sofa. Sicheng had just left, and he was desperate to hear Jungwoo and his boyfriend's verdict. 

"He's...quiet."

"Yeah, how does he put up with a loud mouth like you?"

Ten rolled his eyes, who needed enemies when he had a best friend like Jungwoo?

"I'm serious. Do you like him?"

"Yeah, I think he's sweet." Taeyong smiled softly. 

"He is. He's kind of withdrawn but he seems nice." Jungwoo nodded in agreement. Sicheng had barely spoken during dinner, unless someone prompted him, but he figured anyone would be a bag of nerves when faced with the three of them. "Jae?"

"Hm?"

"What do you think of Sicheng? Do you approve?"

"Oh- I, uh..." Jaehyun hadn't been paying attention, mind still focused on their guest. 

"What's wrong?" Tens face fell. "Do you not like him?"

"What? no, I never said that I-"

"Then what?" Taeyong turned to his boyfriend, worry written all over his face. "You don't think he was suspicious do you?"

"Oh my god! I knew I shouldn't have wiped that chocolate sauce off of your face. He totally knows we're dating!" Jungwoo groaned, head lulling back against the sofa. 

"No! I don't think he has a clue, it's just-"

"Just what? You're making me nervous."

"It's nothing bad."

"Then tell me!" Ten whined, beginning to get stressed. He wanted everyone to like Sicheng as much as he did, but if Jaehyun was getting a weird vibe from him, then he had to know. 

"I think he's cute!"

"That's all?" Ten's jaw dropped. Jesus Christ, he'd been expecting something awful like Jaehyun was worried he had a dark side or was a serial killer or something. "Why didn't you just say?"

Taeyong snorted, turning in his seat so he was looking at Jaehyun. 

"Cute, huh?"

"Y-Yeah...he is."

"Like, awkward but adorable cute or like you want to pin him to a wall and kiss him until he can barely say your name anymore cute?"

Jaehyun's jaw dropped as Jungwoo giggled behind Taeyong. What was- How did-

"Oh god, do you have a crush on my boyfriend?"

"Wh- No! Why would you even think that?"

"You missed your mouth during dinner because you were staring at him. There's still a carbonara stain on your shirt."

"I didn't I- I'm just tired, okay. My hand-eye coordination isn't at its best."

"Right." Jungwoo drew the syllable out, crossing his legs. He'd known Jaehyun long enough to tell when he was crushing on someone. He'd always get this dopey look on his face when he thought about them and could barely string a sentence together properly. 

"I can't believe this." Ten laughed. He could, actually. This was typical Jaehyun. He'd never met such a hopeless romantic before. "Actually I kind of can. Sicheng _is_  pretty adorable, I can't really blame you."

"I'm sorry, Princess." The model pouted. He felt a little bad. It's not like he'd planned on finding Sicheng attractive, it's just...well, he was. "It's not like I'm Gonna do anything. I just think he's cute. I know he's with you."

"It's fine, really."

"Just can't help yourself can you?" Taeyong tutted, nudging the brunette with his elbow as Jaehyun pouted deeper. "Your boyfriend finds someone he likes and you can't help but fall for him too."

"I haven't _fallen_  for him."

"Yet." Ten winked as he and Taeyong made eye contact, clearly on the same wavelength. 

"You'll be telling us you have a crush on Doyoung next too." Jungwoo giggled. He and the elder may not be together... _yet_. But he was hopeful...kind of. 

Ten mock gagged at the thought of _his_  Jaehyun and Doyoung together. Absolutely disgusting. 

"Don't even joke about that."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

The next week Ten went over to Sicheng's place to meet his cousin, the only family he had living over here. 

Ten liked Renjun. A lot. He reminded him a little of Taeyong, actually, he had this dry, almost dark sense of humour, but it was obvious that he cared about Sicheng more than anything. 

But something seemed...off. Sicheng was even quieter than when he had come over to meet Ten's family, barely looking up from his pizza as Ten and Renjun chatted casually. He seemed nervous. Way more nervous than usual. 

"Are you okay?" The two of them had gone to watch a movie in Sicheng's room after dinner. Renjun had exams to study for so they thought it was best to give him some peace and quiet. But Sicheng had barely spoken to him. 

"Mhmm." Sicheng nodded, eyes fixed on the TV, too scared to actually turn to look at Ten. He felt like he was going to throw up. "Just watching the movie."

"You know...I can go, if you want."

"What?" Sicheng finally turned to look at ten, eyes wide. "N-No I don't want you to, I just I have something I need to-"

"I need to tell you something."

"-get off my-" Wait. What? "Sorry?"

Ten swallowed thickly, taking Sicheng's hand in his own.

"I need to tell you something, and  _please_ don't get mad."

Sicheng's eyebrows furrowed. Why would he get mad? Was- Was Ten breaking up with him?

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"Wh- No! I just, I haven't been totally honest with you."

Sicheng's breath shallowed. He had been psyching himself up all night to finally tell Ten the truth, and now his boyfriend had beat him to it. What... could Ten possibly be keeping from him?

"In what way?"

"About my family." Ten sighed, shifting slightly on the spot. How was he even meant to explain to his boyfriend that he had two other boyfriends? Sicheng was definitely going to break up with him after this. And he probably deserved it. "They aren't  _just_ my housemates."

Sicheng blinked, clearly not catching on. 

"I-" Ten sighed again. He had never really had to explain this before. He wished Jaehyun was here. The younger was so much better with words than he was. "Jaehyun and Taeyong, they're-"

Sicheng felt the tips of his ears burn at the mention of Jaehyun's name. He was still utterly besotted with the model. 

"They're my boyfriends."

Sicheng nodded, mind still focused on the fact he had been in Jaehyun Jung's house and ate pasta with him and-

Wait. 

"They're what, sorry?"

"My...boyfriends. I'm so sorry for keeping this from you but we can't tell people because, well, of Jaehyun's job and-"

"Jaehyun Jung is your boyfriend?"

Ten nodded tentatively.

"And...Taeyong is too?"

"Yeah..." 

Ten's voice was barely above a whisper. He had been dreading bringing this up, having no idea what Sicheng's reaction would be. He could shout or break up with him, or even get violent... It was dawning on him that he didn't actually know the strawberry blonde that well. Jesus Christ. Maybe this had been a mistake. Maybe he should have waited until they were somewhere more public. Why on earth had he blurted all of this out when he was on his own in Sicheng's room? How did he always manage to get himself into these situations? 

"So- The three of you are-"

"All together."

Sicheng didn't quite understand this...situation. He wasn't sure whether there was some kind of language barrier or- They were all in a relationship? Ten, Jaehyun  _and_  Taeyong. How did that even work? He'd never heard of anything like that before. 

Wait. 

"Then why are you with me?"

"Because I like you."

"But you have- Back home- Why-" Sicheng couldn't quite get his words out. This didn't make any sense. If Ten was in a relationship with Jaehyun then what the fuck was he doing wasting his time on Sicheng? "Why me?"

"Like I said. I like you." Ten smiled softly. "You're sweet and you haven't forced me to do anything I don't want and...you make me smile."

"But why do you need me? I don't get it."

Ten shuffled a little closer to Sicheng, sensing that the younger was confused. He didn't seem like he was going to lash out. 

"We don't believe that love should be limited to just one person, we... We're polyamorous."

"Polyam...orous." Sicheng tried the word out, it felt weird on his tongue. He had never heard it before. "What does that mean?"

"That you date more than one person. It's not cheating, because everyone knows- Well, I know I didn't tell you at first but...it's not really something we can risk being spread around and, well, I trust you."

Sicheng honestly had no idea how to respond to all of this. 

This was  _it._ What he had gotten into contact with Ten to find out about in the first place; whether Jaehyun had a boyfriend. 

Turned out he had two, and Sicheng was dating one of them. He briefly wondered what Jungwoo had to do with all of this, but adding yet another person to the mix made his head hurt. This was already confusing enough. 

"So what does this mean...for us?"

"Well, I guess that's up to you." Ten didn't  _want_  Sicheng to break up with him, but he knew there was a high possibility of that happening. This was a pretty big deal. "I get that this kinda throws a spanner in the works, right?"

Sicheng simply nodded. He had never even heard of anything like this before, never mind been involved in it. He had no idea what to think. No idea what he was meant to think. 

What exactly did this mean? Had Ten been cheating on him this whole time? Surely he'd been sleeping with his other boyfriends...right? Did this make them even since he had been lying to Ten too? Should he tell him? Was this a good time...? And what about their relationship? Was he part of this whole thing or was he just an outsider? What was Jungwoo's deal? Was he technically going out with Jaehyun now? 

He had so many questions he didn't even know where to start, opting to blankly state at his hands instead. He wasn't even sure he could bring himself to try and speak. He'd probably burst out in tears. 

Why couldn't things go right for him? Just once? Just  _once_  he wanted to be in a normal relationship where he felt loved and accepted and didn't have to settle for anything less than perfect. 

But that was never going to happen for someone like him, was it?

That's why he had begun shutting people out, avoiding dating and romance at all costs. It was so much easier than getting his heart broken over and over. 

That was, until Ten came along. 

But now it was happening all over again. 

Ten cleared his throat after a solid few minutes of the two of them sitting in an awkward silence as Sicheng stressed over what this actually meant. 

"Look, I'm gonna go and give you some space so you can think this over." Ten stood, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Sicheng's forehead. "I'm really sorry for lying to you, and I'd understand if you want to end things. But I really hope you don't."

Sicheng watched as Ten shrugged on his coat, giving him a feeble wave before leaving. 

That's when Sicheng broke down. When he finally allowed his emotions to take over. He didn't want Ten to see him cry because, well, he wasn't even sure why. Because he liked him and didn't want him to be upset? How stupid was that? His boyfriend had been sleeping with two other people behind his back for months. 

He threw himself against his bed, scrambling to get under the covers, using them as some kind of safety blanket. He didn't even care that he was still in his clothes, still had his binder on and desperately needed to take it off before he caused himself any damage. That was the last thing on his mind. He just wanted to sleep. He wanted to stop thinking because there were far too many thoughts swimming around his head and if they didn't stop he was pretty sure his skull would explode. 

He grabbed his phone from his pocket, hoping to find some refuge in the internet. He knew Renjun was just next door but he didn't want to disturb him, plus, he wasn't sure he could cope with actually speaking right now. Typing was so much easier. 

He scrolled through Twitter, breath stabilising as he checked his notifications. He didn't quite understand how people he had never met from around the world could make him feel better than people he knew in real life. Maybe it was because they didn't know the real him. Couldn't see what a mess he was. He could put on a façade online, one that no one could see through. They thought he was the sassy, confidant young man he wished he was in person. 

He forced everything out of his mind, getting lost in cute puppy videos, stupid memes and pictures of pretty people. Somehow, that always made him feel better. It was a simple, quick fix that he was thankful for because it kept him away from the darker places his mind had wandered when he was younger. Living in China with no real escape was difficult, and he still had the scars to prove it. 

But his life was different now. He didn't feel the need to draw blood to make himself feel better for all of a few seconds before he realised he was making his body even more disgusting in the long run. Self harm was a downwards spiral he promised himself he'd never get sucked into again, and if his main coping mechanism seemed stupid to everyone else, he really didn't care. It worked for him. 

That was, until Jaehyun tweeted. 

Sicheng's breath caught in the back of his throat as that sky blue band at the bottom of the app appeared with the models name. 

The model his boyfriend was fucking. 

He didn't... He didn't really feel angry, as such. More hurt. And confused. He didn't really understand the whole situation, how something like that even worked. He'd never heard of poly- Whatever the word Ten had used. How could someone have more than one boyfriend? Was that even allowed?

He sighed to himself as he opened Jaehyun's tweet, smiling as if on autopilot as it revealed a picture of the model sipping on a milkshake, a burger in his right hand. Was that the same place Te  had taken him to on their first date? He felt like he should be...jealous. Angry, even. But-

Jaehyun was so- _Perfect_. No wonder he had two, maybe even three, boyfriends. Who wouldn't want to date Jaehyun Jung? Sicheng did. He knew that for sure. 

He got this sort of...fluttering in his stomach as he thought about it. His  _boyfriend_  was dating Jaehyun. Did that make him Jaehyun's boyfriend by proxy? 

Could he actually be in Jaehyun's life one day? Be...his boyfriend? 

Sicheng's breath shuddered as he opened a new tweet, still undecided on what he was going to say. He hadn't been active in the app lately, losing interest in famous people's lives now he had someone of his own. Plus, after meeting Jaehyun, he kind of wanted to keep that all to himself, didn't want to betray Ten's trust by gushing over someone else online. 

But...Ten has betrayed  _his_  trust. He was sleeping with other people. He was  _in love_  with other people. He would probably be at home with them right now. Sharing kisses, touches growing ever more passionate until they were fucking into him until he begged to come. All while Sicheng was laid in bed, tears drying on his cheeks because he'd never be able to do any of that anyway. He didn't have the...equipment. 

He may as well just break things off, after all. It's not like he could ever compare to Jaehyun or Taeyong anyway. 

It would save the embarrassment of coming out and ultimately being rejected. 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Taeyong was singing along to the music blasting through his headphones as he finished off washing up the last couple of plates in the sink. They had a dishwasher, but it kind of relaxed him in a way. Plus, he didn't trust it to do as good of a job as him. 

That was, until he almost dropped a plate after arms snaked around his waist from behind. 

"Jesus-" He turned, ripping an earbud out. "Ten? Where did you- I didn't even hear you come in."

"I've literally just walked through the door." The younger pouted, burying his head in Taeyong's chest. "Cuddle me."

"What's going on?"

Ten sighed as Taeyong's arms wrapped around him, suds soaking into Ten's t-shirt. This probably wasn't the most comfortable position, with the bench digging into his boyfriends back, but he didn't really want to move yet. 

"I told Sicheng. About us."

"I'm guessing he didn't take it well. He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No." Ten shook his head. He knew Sicheng wasn't like that. "God, no. I- I don't know if it really sunk in, to be honest, I'm just-"

Taeyong couldn't help but smile fondly as Ten whined into his sweatshirt. He had never seen his boyfriend like this before. Ten wasn't cold, as such, but he was very guarded. He didn't like people getting too close. Didn't like letting anyone in. It had taken months for him to even open up to him and Jaehyun, and he had practically moved in at that point. 

But he seemed completely smitten with Sicheng, and as much as Taeyong didn't want things to end between them, he had to admit that the way Ten was acting was kind of cute. He had always loved seeing Jaehyun fall for someone else, but he never thought he'd be in this position with Ten. 

"You're scared?"

"Yeah." 

Ten's voice was breathy. He hated admitting he had any kind of weakness, even though he knew fine well he had a plethora of them. He'd had to be strong for so long, that even when he was around the people he loved the most, he still found it difficult to do...emotions. 

"You know you couldn't keep lying to him, though. Right?"

"I-I guess I just- I liked having someone else, you know?"

"Well, you might still have him." Taeyong carded his fingers through dark hair. "You don't know that it's over."

Ten scoffed. He was pretty sure it was. Who in their right mind would want to join this crazy fucking relationship the four of them had? He wished he could have told Sicheng from the beginning, before he realised how much he liked him, but this wasn't the type of thing they could tell just anyone. They had Jaehyun's reputation to think about, Taeyong's job, their friends and families. Being in a four-way relationship wasn't exactly considered normal or socially acceptable. They couldn't risk it getting out there. 

"No offence, Taeyong," Ten straightened up, looking his boyfriend in the eyes, "but who the fuck would want to walk into a relationship like this?"

Taeyong shrugged. "Well,  _you_  did."

"And I was a fucking mess." Ten rolled his eyes.

No  _normal_  person would ever buy into this. To normal people this was sordid, insane, even. He had tried his hardest to explain to Sicheng that their relationship was founded on love...but, he wasn't the best when it came to talking. He probably made it sound way fucking crazier and more disgusting than it actually was. 

"Sicheng is...nice. He's not broken like I am." Ten fidgeted slightly. actually, he wasn't so sure of that. He knew Sicheng had his walls built high, that there was something he was hiding. But Ten didn't want to push to find out what it was, because he himself didn't like to be interrogated. He understood that people wanted their privacy. That not everyone wanted to talk. "He could have anyone. All to himself. Why would he settle for sharing me?"

"Ten." Taeyong sighed, arms still wrapped firmly around his boyfriend's waist. He hated how insecure Ten still was. He was worried that would never change. "No one has to  _settle_  for you. Anyone would be lucky to have you"

Ten quirked an eyebrow. He found that very hard to believe. Taeyong was his boyfriend. He  _had_  to say nice things about him. 

"Well..." Ten didn't want to dwell on this any longer. It had been playing on his mind the whole way back from Sicheng's. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see. There's not much I can do about it now." 

Taeyong hummed. He was pretty sure Ten would be able to talk Sicheng around a little more after he had gotten over the shock, but... He also knew his boyfriend. There was no point in trying to push him to do anything, because it usually backfired. He'd bring it up another day. 

"I'm sure it'll be fine, Muffin." Taeyong smiled, trying to put Ten at ease. 

The younger simply shrugged. He couldn't predict how Sicheng was going to react, so he didn't bother. He was already expecting the worst, and he knew Taeyong was only trying to put him at ease. But he wasn't going to get his hopes up. 

"I just hope he doesn't tell anyone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	8. photoshoot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is chapter 8!! Don't worry this is a (fairly) angst free chapter won some boring between Sicheng and Jaehyun (and Jungwoo kinda lol)  
> Enjoy!!!!

Sicheng was awoken to a car horn beeping outside. Over and over and over. 

"For God's sake." He mumbled to himself in mandarin, shoving a spare pillow over his head in an attempt to drown out the sound. Or suffocate himself. Whichever came first. 

It was his day off and he just wanted to sleep off his hangover. No lectures. No seminars. No worrying about developing film. Just...lying there. Doing nothing until around mid-day when he inevitably got hungry. 

But that fucking horn wouldn't stop. 

"What is that?"

Sicheng's blood ran cold as a voice came from his bedroom door. Who the-

He sat up with a start, yelping and pulling the bed covers up to hide his modesty as some guy he vaguely remembered from last night started back at him. Naked. 

Oh Jesus Christ. 

"I- Uh-" English was failing him right now. Did they...?

Of course they fucking did he was naked and this guy was naked and-

And that horn was still going off. 

He stood, wrapping a sheet around himself because he didn't give a fuck if he slept with this guy last night here was _no way_ he was going to see him naked in the light of day, before stomping over to the living room window. If this was a taxi for that lazy literature student that lived downstairs he was going to lose it. Maybe if he didn't have ridiculous house parties til 4am on a Wednesday night he wouldn't sleep in. 

But his breath froze in his lungs as he saw who was down there, car door wide open as he reached in to press the horn.

Jungwoo. 

What the fuck was Jungwoo doing outside of his apartment?

How did Jungwoo even know where he lived? 

And why was he making so much noise?

"Who is it? Do you know him?"

Sicheng hadn't even realised how long he'd been gaping down at the road below until he saw Jungwoo was waving. At him. He'd spotted Sicheng in the window and was waving at him. 

"Fuck."

Why hadn't he just went and hid? Stuffed his ears with cotton wool and drowned out the beeping? 

Now he'd actually have to deal with this. And that was the last thing he wanted. 

He had been avoiding Ten's texts. The elder had only messaged him every couple of days in the two weeks since they saw each other last, he wasn't overwhelming him or pressuring him to reply, which Sicheng appreciated, but maybe he was getting sick of being screened and sent Jungwoo over to sort things out. Great. 

And there was a naked guy in his apartment. 

Double great. 

Thank _god_  Renjun had stayed over at a friend's last night. 

"What's going o-"

"Don't even _think_  about going near that window. Put your clothes on and get out."

The guy gaped back at him as Sicheng threw a hoodie and some pants on. He wasn't usually so abrupt but...his boyfriend's housemate was stood outside. Housemate? Other boyfriend? Who fucking knew? Either way he was in deep shit if Jungwoo found out he'd slept with someone else last night. God. He felt...dirty. Like he was going to be sick. He'd been mad at Ten for sleeping with other people behind his back and here he was spreading his legs for the first guy that bought him a shot of tequila. 

He mentally psyched himself up for confrontation as he headed downstairs, not really knowing what to do or say. What if Jungwoo shouted at him? He wasn't great with that. Or what if he wanted some deep conversation? That would probably be even worse. Oh god what if he bundled him into his car and drove him back to their place? He wasn't even wearing his binder. What if-

"Sicheng!"

Sicheng faltered. Why did Jungwoo seem...happy to see him? Did he not know that he and Ten hadn't spoken for weeks? 

"Where have you been? We need to go!"

"Go...? Go where?"

"To the studio?" Jungwoo replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

But Sicheng had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. 

"What studio?"

Jungwoo tutted, popping his hand on his hip. 

"For the photoshoot? It's today."

Jungwoo cocked his head and Sicheng's eyebrows furrowed further. Did he...really not know what he was talking about? 

"The messages I sent you?"

"I...I don't know what you're talking about." Sicheng had absolutely no idea what was going on here. Was this Jungwoo's way of getting him in his car so he could go talk with Ten or something? This was all very...weird. Just fucking weird. 

Jungwoo dug around in his pocket for his phone, showing it to Sicheng.

 _'hey!! it's Jungwoo, ten gave me your number i hope you don't mind!! (_ _๑_ _˃̵ᴗ˂̵) anyways,,,i managed to get you some work experience at a photoshoot next thursday!! xx'_

_'hi again!! i'll pick u up at 7 xx'_

_'sichenggie!! whether u reply or not i'm coming for you uwu xx'_

That text was a little...intimidating, but this was really sweet. 

_'wakey wakey sleepyhead!!! xx'_

_'sichenggie come on!! we're gonna be late!!!!!!! xx'_

Except. 

"That's not my number."

"Oh." Jungwoo's eyes widened slightly. That made sense. "Well...Ten didn't _actually_ give me your number; I stole his phone and must have typed it wrong. Just as well I got your address right when I stole that too, huh?"

Jungwoo laughed, making Sicheng shrink back into his hoodie. There was something a little unsettling about him. Maybe it was the fact he was so...nice, if not a little creepy. Sicheng wasn't really used to nice. 

"Anyway you should probably go get ready the shoot is in like half an hour and I have three very bitchy models to make pretty."

"I- Wh- Are you serious?"

"Of course!" Jungwoo beamed, ushering Sicheng back upstairs. "This is a great opportunity for you! Imagine how it'll look on your portfolio. I'll wait down here, don't take too long."

Jungwoo had skipped back to his car before Sicheng even had the chance to protest. He really wasn't going to take no for an answer, was he?

Sicheng sighed to himself as he trailed back upstairs. There was no way he was getting out of this. Plus, it _was_ a really great opportunity and it was super sweet of Jungwoo to even think about him. He'd only met the younger once and here he was going out of his way to help him out. Pulling strings like this mustn't be easy. 

"Is that your boyfriend?"

Sicheng jumped as he re-entered his apartment. That guy was still here, now fully dressed thank god. 

"No, actually, but I'd rather he didn't know you were here so if you could...go. That'd be great."

The guy simply sighed, collected his stuff and left. Thank god. Sicheng couldn't cope with anyone making a scene. Kicking people out wasn't exactly his specialty. He was usually the one being ushered out at the crack of dawn before the guy he'd just fucked housemates woke up and found out _who_  he'd slept with. He couldn't even revel in the glory of the tables being turned because he felt so unbelievably guilty he could explode. 

But he got ready anyway, as quickly as possible before bounding back downstairs and into Jungwoo's car.

Sitting next to one of Ten's... What was Jungwoo to him, anyway? Ten had never called him his boyfriend... Did Jungwoo just live with them? Or was he dating someone else? Sicheng groaned internally as he felt a dull throbbing at the front of his skull. Thinking about all of this gave him a headache. 

"You okay?"

Okay, maybe that groan wasn't internal after all. 

"Yeah, fine."

"I bet this is pretty weird, huh? Knowing me and Ten are dating the same guys?"

Wait-

"You're dating Jaehyun too?"

"And Taeyong." Jungwoo smiled, keeping his eyes on the road. "Ten didn't mention that?"

"He just said that he was..."

"I guess that makes sense." Jungwoo shrugged. "My relationships don't really affect you. Me and Ten aren't romantically involved; he's like my best friend."

"Have you slept with him?" Sicheng inwardly cursed himself. Where had that come from? A place of guilt, no doubt. Maybe knowing Ten had been sleeping with three people behind his back while Sicheng had only been with one would make him feel less shit. 

"I- Well, yeah, I have."

Sicheng's eyes flickered down to his clasped hands in his lap. It didn't make him feel any better. Not at all. 

"Why? Are you not okay with that?"

Sicheng's jaw dropped at how collected Jungwoo a voice was. 

"Why do you think I would be okay with my boyfriend sleeping with _three_  other people behind my back?"

Jungwoo's eyes flickered across to him, just momentarily. 

"Well, I dunno, I figured you were pretty open when it came to relationships. If that hickey on your neck is anything to go by."

All colour drained from Sicheng's face, hands flying up to cover his neck. He had a- Fuck. God, why was he such a slut? How could he be mad at Ten for cheating on him when he had just done the same?

No. 

He did that out of retaliation. He never would have slept with anyone else before that. He wasn't that type of person. 

"Guess it's karma or whatever."

Jungwoo sighed to himself. And he thought things between him and Doyoung were complicated. 

"You know he really likes you, right? And Ten doesn't really... _like_  anyone."

Sicheng chewed on the inside of his lip, wishing he'd just stayed at home. Missing out on this amazing opportunity would beat being stuck in a car with Jungwoo as he grilled him. 

"That doesn't exactly make me feel special when he's seeing another two guys."

Jungwoo was usually good at talking, but he had never had to do this before. He'd never had to justify himself or his relationship. Ten and Doyoung both knew the situation before they even became friends. 

"I think the two of you should talk again. I'm sure you have a lot of questions you need answer-"

"Not really."

Jungwoo twisted his nose as Sicheng cut him off. 

"-and I know Ten doesn't want to let you go."

Sicheng turned so he was looking out of the passenger side window, so he couldn't see Jungwoo. Part of him didn't want to let go of Ten either. A big part. But...maybe it was easier if they just broke things off now. That way he wouldn't have to come out and, really, he'd already gotten everything he came for. He knew exactly what he wanted about Jaehyun. Hell, this was more than he ever intended to find out. 

But...

Ten was...amazing. Sicheng could get lost in his kisses, and he always made him laugh with his no bullshit attitude. Sicheng really admired that about him. In fact, he was starting to model himself on Ten a little. He wished he had the confidence his boyfriend did. 

Or ex-boyfriend. 

He didn't know. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. There were too many variables. Too much to consider and it gave him a headache. He just didn't want to think about it right now. 

"Can we just...stop talking about this? Please?"

Jungwoo nodded, sensing how uncomfortable it made the elder. He wanted Sicheng and Ten to get back together more than anything. He had seen how happy his best friend was over the past couple of months, but he wasn't going to push matters. That might make things worse. 

"Sure." Jungwoo tapped on the steering wheel, bejewelled rings on his right hand glinting in the sunlight. Driving in silence made him anxious. He had to talk to Sicheng about _something._ "Have you ever been to a magazine shoot before?"

Sicheng breathed out a sigh of relief that Jungwoo had dropped it, shaking his head. He had never been on set of a real photoshoot before. Nothing outside of university. 

"You're gonna love it."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Woah." Sicheng gasped as he and Jungwoo stepped onto the set. It was...huge. So much bigger than he had ever imagined. And there were so many people. All for one double page spread in a magazine. This was amazing. This was going to be his life in a couple of years. 

He hoped. 

"Come with me." Sicheng let Jungwoo drag him off, their fingers intertwined, not really knowing what else to do. As excited as he was to be here, he didn't really want to be left alone. "The photographer isn't even here yet so you can just hang out with me for now, if you like."

Sicheng settled himself down on a chair, out of the way until he was needed. He didn't really know all that much about makeup so it's not like he could help. 

He immersed himself in his phone, in his notifications on twitter and Instagram, mainly people asking where he was. He hadn't really had the heart to post anything lately. Too busy wallowing in his own misery. 

He had considered tweeting about his situation, letting the world know. It's what Ten deserved, right? For lying to him and going behind his back? That's usually what he would do. Publicly humiliate the guy that fucked him over. 

But...he hadn't. And he couldn't figure out whether that was because he liked Ten more than he originally thought or...or if he didn't want to ruin Jaehyun's career. 

His feelings for the model hadn't subsided. He still got butterflies whenever he'd post. He still couldn't stop thinking about the night he spent over at his and Ten's. He couldn't really bring himself to speak about it or anything, but...he had had dinner with Jaehyun Jung for God's sake. 

All he wanted to do was brag about it to his internet friends who were just as in love with him, but he couldn't. He didn't want to ruin things. 

He was pulled from his thoughts by a shill shriek from Jungwoo. 

"Hey, Kitten!"

Speak of the devil. 

There he was in all of his glory. Jaehyun Jung. Perfect as ever. 

It was still weird for him, seeing Jaehyun in the flesh. He never thought he'd get the opportunity. And here he was at an actual photoshoot with the man himself. 

He almost forgot the model was dating his boyfriend. For a second. 

He glanced around the room as Jungwoo leaned in to kiss Jaehyun on the cheek. No one even seemed to flinch. Did people really not know they were dating? It seemed so...obvious. The way Jaehyun's hands lingered on Jungwoo's waist. The fact the younger never once broke eye contact as he giggled at whatever Jaehyun was telling him. They were kind of cute together. He just...couldn't help but see Ten in Jungwoo's place. And that made him a little uncomfortable. 

"Sicheng! Hey! Jungwoo mentioned he was gonna bring you along. How you doing?"

"I-" Sicheng was, for lack of a better word, star struck. He had no idea what to say. He'd barely spoken to him that night he'd went over, and now he was sure Jaehyun would know that he and Ten hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks. This felt extra awkward now. "I-"

"Jaehyun! Quit yakking and get ready!"

The model pouted as the photographer called his name. He was always getting told off at photoshoots because he couldn't help but talk to just about everyone he met. It didn't help that he usually turned up late too. 

"Guess I gotta go. Have fun!"

The day went by in a blur. Sicheng spent most of his time running around after people that shouted at him. Getting coffee, adjusting lighting. He felt like a bit of a photography slave, but he knew that he was going to have to start somewhere. 

At least he got some time to kick back and watch Jaehyun do what he did best. 

Sicheng was in awe of him. The way he moved, how the light caught his cheekbones, just the slightest tilt of his jaw made all the difference. Jaehyun really knew his angles. 

"He's good, right?"

Sicheng flinched as Jungwoo appeared behind him. How did someone so tall manage to sneak around so easily? 

"Yeah." Sicheng couldn't deny that. His head may still be a mess over all of this, but...there was just something about Jaehyun. And there was something about Ten too. Could he really let the dancer slip through his fingers without even giving it a try? Without even talking? 

"He wants to take you for something to eat after the shoot. If you're okay with that."

Sicheng's ears burned. J-Jaehyun wanted to take _him_ out? For food? 

"Wh-Why?"

"To get to know you better." Jungwoo shrugged. He didn't actually know, but he figured that would be why. Jaehyun was quite the social butterfly when he wanted to be. And he had been dying to get to know Sicheng better. He was dating his boyfriend, after all. "To explain things, maybe."

"But he..." Sicheng's eyes wandered back to the set. This didn't seem real. At all. "He's...Jaehyun. I'm just- Me."

Jungwoo took a seat next to Sicheng. He always found it weird when people were intimidated by Jaehyun's status. He'd known the elder so long he couldn't see him as anything but his fluffy little teddy bear. 

"He's just a normal guy, you know." Jungwoo smiled as Sicheng continued to watch Jaehyun. "I know you see him as this big celebrity, but he's as down to earth as they come. You shouldn't feel weird around him. You might...become a part of our lives."

Sicheng snapped back around to look at Jungwoo, stomach dropping. Part of their lives? They...did they really want that?

"Why would you want me to- I don't really understand any of this."

"Talk to Jae." Jungwoo placed a calming hand on Sicheng's shoulder. He understood that this was hard. "He explains this better than anyone."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Thanks." Sicheng mumbled as Jaehyun held a door open for him. His heart was racing, mouth dry, palms sweating. This didn't seem real. At all. 

"I hope you don't think I'm, like, ambushing you or anything."

Sicheng shook his head. His voice all but disappeared when Jaehyun was involved. 

"I just wanted to speak to you about...us."

Sicheng almost dropped his glass of water. 

_"Us?"_

"Yeah. Our relationship." Jaehyun scanned over the menu, clearly missing the rise in pitch of Sicheng's voice. "I might get a steak."

Sicheng...felt like he was going to throw up, actually. This was all so surreal. He was out for dinner with Jaehyun Jung. The model he was obsessed with. Who also happened to be dating his boyfriend. 

Like... How was he even meant to process this?

"You haven't even looked at the menu." Jaehyun's eyebrows furrowed slightly, passing the leather-clad book to the blonde. "Get whatever you want. I'll pay."

Sicheng took it, hesitantly, eyes widening as they focused on the prices. Woah. 

"I- I'm not that hungry, I'll just have something small." He changed his mind as he scanned over the appetisers. That was usually more than he'd pay for an entire meal. "Or...a glass of tap water."

"You've been working all day, you must be hungry. The lobster linguine is really good too."

Sicheng took a shaky breath, trying his hardest to calm himself down. He was in the midst of a celebrity. He had to compose himself. 

"I-I guess I'll have that then."

"Great!" Jaehyun clapped his hands together, ordering their food before sending the waiter off on his way. "You seem a little nervous."

"Yeah..." Sicheng sounded like a broken record, but words were really failing him right now. 

He had dreamt of meeting Jaehyun before, rehearsed all of the things he wanted to say to him. But he never expected to meet him at all, never mind under such...peculiar circumstances. 

"Sorry, I'm just-"

"Totally freaked out by this entire situation?"

Sicheng laughed softly. Bang on. 

"It must have been hard for you; finding out Ten is already in a relationship. With two people, nonetheless."

"Yeah, you could say that." Sicheng took another drink, his throat beginning to close up. "It was unexpected, to say the least."

"I wish he didn't have to keep it from you, but you understand why, right?"

Sicheng nodded. He got it, he really did. Jaehyun was well known, his career would probably be ruined if this got out. And Taeyong was a teacher, he had heard of parents having a problem with teachers being gay, never mind them being gay _and_ having more than one boyfriend. 

So, he knew why Ten had kept this from him. But that didn't mean it hurt any less. 

"I get that. But...I don't really get _why_."

"Why what?"

"Why do you...have more than one boyfriend? How?"

"Well- Thanks." Jaehyun smiled as the waiter came back with a basket of breadsticks. "We don't believe that love should be limited to just one person."

Sicheng winced. That's exactly what Ten had said. 

"I know you don't understand this, but I don't really understand why you're meant to only be in love with one person."

"That's just how things are."

"Yeah, but why? It's kind of weird if you think about it, right?"

 _That_  was weird? No. That was perfectly normal. That's how things were meant to be. You fell in love with one person; you got married and devoted your entire life to them. That's how things were _meant_ to be. 

"I mean...not really."

Jaehyun smiled sadly to himself. He knew the majority of people didn't understand where he was coming from, and they never would. That's why he couldn't come out with this publicly. They'd be ridiculed, made outcasts, and with his popularity he couldn't do that to his boyfriends. 

"Taeyong was my first boyfriend, my first ever love. But then I met Jungwoo and, well, I fell for him. I felt awful at the time, like I shouldn't be having feelings for anyone else because I already had someone, and that's what we're told, that you shouldn't even think about anyone else. But in reality it's not that easy. I mean how many people have affairs and shit?"

Sicheng hummed to himself. He always thought affairs were just for bored housewives and rich old men that figured they could get away with anything. He'd never thought about someone actually falling for another person while in a relationship. 

"So...Taeyong just let you have another boyfriend? Didn't he get, like, jealous?" Sicheng had never really considered himself a jealous person, but then again, he'd never had a boyfriend that had two other boyfriends as well. 

"We talked about it together, and then with Jungwoo and decided to try it out. We were apprehensive at first, but it turned out to be the best decision we ever made. It wasn't easy to begin with, but we all just kinda...fell in love."

Sicheng didn't really know how to reply, thanking god the waiter had chosen that moment to come over with their meals so he could concentrate on eating instead. He had honestly never heard of anything like this before, but Jaehyun made it sound so, dare he say, perfect. He was worried that Ten was just sleeping with these guys because he didn't want to go anywhere near Sicheng. Maybe he'd figured out that he wasn't cisgender. But it sounded like they really were all in love. In one big relationship. 

He wasn't sure which was worse. 

"Then it happened again with Ten. I had never planned on falling for anyone else. It's not like I just go around collecting boyfriends. It just happened. I fell for him too."

Now _that_ , Sicheng could understand. He had met up with Ten in the hope of finding out what he knew about Jaehyun, the last thing he ever expected was to fall for him. So he could totally see where Jaehyun was coming from with that. There was just something about Ten. 

"So is that what happened with me?"

"Yeah." Jaehyun beamed. He could tell Ten was absolutely besotted with Sicheng before the dancer himself even did. Ten still wasn't completely comfortable with showing emotions, but the way he managed to bring Sicheng up in just about every conversation, and the way he giggled at his phone when the younger texted him... Jaehyun just knew. "Ten definitely never had any intention of letting anyone else in. I'm honestly surprised he took to you so well. I'm not sure how much he's told you about his past, but he's very closed off."

"I've noticed." Sicheng had never met anyone with walls built higher than his own before. "He hasn't told me much and I didn't want to push, but... I know he didn't have the best start in life."

Jaehyun hummed through a mouthful of steak. It didn't come as any surprise that Ten hadn't opened up much. Despite everything they had been through, everything the three of them had done to help him recover, he was still struggling. 

"Well, that's how I know he likes you so much. He would never tell our secret to just anyone."

Sicheng felt his cheeks heat up. Did... Did Ten really like him _that_  much? Now he thought about it, it was kind of amazing that he knew. This was something that was kept between such a tiny group of people, and Ten trusted him enough to let him in on it. He liked him enough. He-

"Does he...really want to be with me that much?"

Jaehyun sat back in his seat. Sicheng had this sort of vulnerability about him. An insecurity. The way he sat; curled in on himself, the way he spoke; so quietly, almost in the hope no one would hear. It was like he wanted to shrink back into the shadows. Like he didn't think very highly of himself. Jaehyun wasn't quite sure why. He thought Sicheng was kind of beautiful, and if what Ten had told him was anything to go by, then he was witty and kind too. Those seemed like pretty redeeming qualities in his eyes. 

"Is that such a shock to you?"

"Well-" Sicheng shuffled in his seat. This was beyond weird. Was he getting therapy from Jaehyun Jung? World famous model and also his boyfriend's boyfriend? "He has you and Taeyong. I just don't get why he'd want me too. I'm not exactly-"

"Not what? A model? Rich?" Jaehyun folded his arms, leaning forward on the table. "That's not important to him, Sicheng. Hell, Ten knew us when we could barely scrape together enough to pay the rent on our shitty Camden apartment. He likes _you_ , Sicheng. I'm not sure what it is exactly that he likes about you, you'd have to ask him that. But he does. A lot. I don't know why you think so little about yourself, but you shouldn't. You have a lot going for you and there's a reason why he likes you so much. _You._ Not money or looks or anything. He likes _you._ "

Sicheng's vision blurred, just for a second before he regained composure. He wasn't going to cry in front of Jaehyun Jung. But...no one had ever really spoken about him like that before. No one had ever made out that he was worth anything. No one had ever liked him for _him_. They just saw him as a joke, as this freak of nature that wore boy's clothes and cut his hair short but would never actually be a boy. They saw him as a liar and a fraud - and maybe he was to some extent. 

But...Ten saw the real him. The dry, sarcastic wit that he wasn't always confident enough to showcase. The gummy smile he rarely ever used because it wasn't often he had something to smile about. The affection that was dying to break free from the ice casing he had built around his heart. The boy that wanted to be loved more than anything, because no one had ever loved him like that before. 

And...he was pretty sure Jaehyun saw it too. 

"So, will you speak to him for me?"

Sicheng looked up, eyes glassy, at the most beautiful human being he'd ever set eyes on and nodded. 

"Yeah. Of course I will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	9. cherry bomb ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year guys!!  
> will ten and sicheng work things out?? or is sicheng just gonna get drunk in a strip club??  
> ((and kun!!! finally getting a speaking part aaaaah!!))

Sicheng pushed through the door of Cherry Bomb. This place looked completely different in the dark. He barely recognised it. 

He thanked god that it was busy, because if he was being completely honest, he wasn't even sure if he was ready to talk to Ten yet. He just wanted to see him. He... He kind of missed him. 

After the conversation he had with Jaehyun earlier in the week he had been going over and over this whole situation in his head, trying to make sense of it. He could see where Jaehyun was coming from. He knew being in love was meant to be the most magical feeling in the world, so he could only imagine what having that twice or even three times over would feel like. 

No one had ever been in love with Sicheng before, so the idea of more than one person loving and caring about him made his heart flutter. Just a little. He wasn't quite ready to let his ice cold heart thaw out just yet, but he prayed to god that someone, someday would make him feel as warm and fuzzy inside as Jaehyun's boyfriends made him feel. 

And maybe that someone could be Ten. 

He sat himself down at the bar, ordering himself a drink to help calm his nerves. He had rehearsed exactly what he wanted to say over and over in his head. That he still didn't fully understand this whole situation, but...he liked Ten. A lot. He really fucking did. And he wasn't sure he wanted to give up on them just yet. He wanted to give it another shot, because Ten made him feel good about himself. Made him smile. 

He still wasn't quite sure he'd be able to say it aloud just yet, but he had prepared himself a little speech just in case. 

"Oh, hey." Sicheng could just about make out someone speaking in mandarin above the booming music. That was a weird coincidence. "Sicheng, right?"

He looked around, eyes widening as he recognised the guy behind the bar. That was...Ten's boss, right? The one that used to sit in and watch over some of their earlier lessons. Oh! Yeah. Ten had mentioned that he was Chinese, actually.

"Y-Yeah."

"Kun." The man stuck his hand or for Sicheng to shake. He didn't realise people still shook hands...but he did anyway, not wanting to come off as rude. "You here to see him? I can let him know if you want."

"Oh! No! No, it's fine I'm just...he doesn't know I was coming."

"That's cute." Kun propped his elbow on the bar, head resting on the heel of his palm. "You gonna surprise him?"

"I- I dunno, I wasn't-" Sicheng honestly had no idea why he was even thinking of telling Kun this. He had planned on just hiding at the back, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ten before skulking off back home. But now he'd probably have to actually _speak_ to him. Just as well he'd rehearsed what he wanted to say. "I wasn't actually gonna speak to him."

"Oh." Kun quirked an eyebrow, suddenly putting two and two together. "Ten has been acting a little weird recently. Did something happen between you two?"

Sicheng cast his eyes down to his drink. He was actually a little surprised that this was even affecting Ten. He had two other boyfriends at home, he didn't think not seeing Sicheng for a few weeks would make any difference. He wasn't anything special. 

"I just...found something out about him and-"

"Oh, his boyfriends?" Kun rounded the bar after grabbing himself a beer. He settled down next to Sicheng, figuring he deserved a break. It was _his_  club, after all. He could do what he wanted. "Yeah, I imagine that was a bit of a shock."

"You know about them?"

"Of course I do. Ten...tells me a lot." Kun scoffed before taking a swig if beer. "Too much, sometimes. I know all about Jaehyun and Taeyong. And you too, actually. He hadn't mentioned there'd been any trouble between the two of you, though. He's been moping a lot lately, but I figured it was just because he was tired with school and everything."

"I just...I haven't seen him for a while and I don't really know what I want to say to him but I-"

"You missed him? So you thought you'd come see him at work from afar?"

Sicheng laughed softly, downing half of his drink. Was he really that transparent?

"I'm not great at talking."

"Yeah, well neither is he, so you make a terrible pair." Kun joked, nudging Sicheng softly with his elbow. "What's bothering you so much about it?"

"The fact he's been sleeping with other people behind my back."

"So you're only in it for the sex?" Kun shot him a look, spinning slightly in his bar stool so he was facing Sicheng. "After everything he's been through is that seriously _all_ you see him as?"

"Wh- No!" Sicheng flinched at Kun's sudden change in tone. "No, of course not. We haven't even- We haven't... _done that_ yet."

"Oh." Kun blinked, protective mode dissipating. They hadn't had sex? He did find it kind of weird that Ten hadn't gushed to him about the amazing night of passion he and Sicheng had had. He figured the dancer was just being candid for once. Clearly not. 

"He wanted to wait, and so did I, but... Knowing he's been with other people during that is..."

"You feel like he doesn't want you in that way?"

Sicheng dared to glance up at Kun, relieved to see the elder wasn't so defensive anymore. 

"Yeah."

"Well, I highly doubt that's true. He's told me in much too graphic detail how bad he wants to jump on your dick."

Sicheng's eyes unfocused, tips of his ears burning. _Dick_. Ten wanted his dick. The one thing he could never give him. He swallowed, feeling bile rising up in his throat. Ten had figured it out, hadn't he? If he was telling people how much he wanted to sleep with Sicheng and hadn't made a move, then...he must know and is too repulsed by him to even try anything. Oh god. 

"Hey, you okay?" Kun placed a caring hand on Sicheng's shoulder as the younger seemed to zone out. "Did that freak you out? Sorry."

Sicheng cleared his throat, trying to compose himself. 

"N-No, it's fine, I just-"

Kun furrowed his eyebrows as Sicheng stuttered. He'd never seen anyone react to being told a guy as gorgeous as Ten wants to be fucked by them. Well...apart from himself maybe, but he was- Wait. 

"Sicheng, is there something you're not telling him?"

Sicheng's head snapped up, eyes wide. Fuck. Now Kun knew. How the fuck could this guy he'd known all of ten minutes see straight through him? 

"Wh- N-No, of cou-"

"Hey, it's okay." Kun rubbed the strawberry blonde's bicep, letting him know he was there for him. "He'll understand."

"I...I don't think he will, I've been lying to him this whole time."

"It's not that big of a deal, okay? He likes _you_ , Sicheng. Not everything is about sex."

Sicheng nodded softly. He knew that, but it would be nice to make love to his boyfriend without him being completely disgusted by his own anatomy. 

"I know, but he- He wants-"

"Not everything is about keeping Ten happy, you know? You need to think about yourself too. Plus, he has Jaehyun and Taeyong for that. I'm sure he can live without another dick."

Sicheng flushed, heart rate rising. Did Kun really think so? Did he think that he and Ten could actually make something of this? That they could be happy without the sexual side of things? 

Sicheng had never really considered a sexless relationship, but...maybe for ten he could. 

"Trust me, he'll understand. He did with me."

"With you?" Sicheng's stomach twisted. Kun was transgender too?

"Yeah..." Kun chuckled lowly to himself, taking a sip of beer. "He tried it on with me ages ago."

"H-How did he react to...you know?"

"He was okay with it, actually. Honestly, it was for the best. He was in a really bad place. Even if I wasn't asexual, I would never have gone there. He was much too fragile."

Wait. 

"A-Asexual?"

"Yeah. I mean, you don't have to put a label on your sexuality if you don't want to, but I do."

Sicheng couldn't do anything but gape. Kun was...asexual? He wasn't transgender? He thought _Sicheng_ was asexual? 

"Y-You're ace?"

"Yeah." Kun's eyebrows furrowed slightly, as if that hasn't been what he's taking about for the past however many minutes. Why was Sicheng so confused by this? "What did you think I was talking about?"

"Oh god." Sicheng placed his hand on his stomach. He felt a little sick. He had nearly dropped his fucking secret in front of Kun because he thought- 

"What's wrong? You okay?"

"Y-Yeah, I just..." He was panicking now. How could he get out of this conversation without actually telling Kun he was transgender? The club owner knew _something_ was up now. 

Then the lights dimmed, painting the club pitch black aside from a set of spotlights outlining the T-shaped stage at the very front of the club. At least Kun couldn't see him now. Maybe he could make a run for it. 

But then one single light illuminated the stage, directly above the pole. 

And there he was. Ten. Looking as perfect as ever in a loose fitting silk button up and the tiniest pair of black shorts Sicheng had ever seen. 

"Woah." He breathed out, hoping no one would notice. He had always been blown away by how Ten worked the pole during their lessons, but this was something else. With all eyes on him, light capturing the glow of his skin, the shine of his teeth. He looked...spectacular. Absolutely mesmerising. Sicheng was sure no one else in the club was thinking quite what he was - how beautiful and delicate and graceful Ten looked as he twirled around the pole. The rest of the guy's minds were probably wandering to much more sordid places. But Sicheng couldn't take his eyes off of him. 

Off is _his_  boyfriend. 

Every single guy - bar Kun - in this club was lusting over Ten. Thinking about the exotic positions the dancer could contort himself into, about how he he'd move his hips while riding them. But that would be nothing more than a fantasy, because Sicheng knew the truth. 

Ten was taken, and while it may be by more than one person...Sicheng was one of them. _Sicheng._ That anxious transgender kid from China. Ten could have absolutely anyone he wanted, and he chose Sicheng. 

"He's pretty amazing, right?" Kun spoke up, making Sicheng jump slightly. He'd forgotten the elder was there, completely absorbed in Ten's routine. 

"Yeah." Sicheng's heart fluttered, only realising just how much he missed Ten. His smile, his laugh, how soft his hands were, his sickeningly dry sense of humour, his lips... He _really_ missed Ten. He'd finally found someone that made him happy and he was on the verge of throwing it all away and for what? Because he had someone else? 

Maybe Kun was right. Maybe Ten having two other boyfriends was for the best... He could get what he needed from them - their cocks. This could actually work to Sicheng's advantage. 

"He is."

"You'd be stupid to let him go, you know." Kun couldn't figure out exactly what it was Sicheng was hiding from Ten, but he did know how much the dancer liked the Chinese boy. "He doesn't fall for people easily."

"Fall for...?" Had Ten really fallen for him? For _him?_  Wow. 

Kun nodded softly in response. Sicheng really didn't think very highly of himself, did he? He reminded him of how Ten was when they first met...in a way. The two of them were equally as unsure as one another, just in very different ways. 

"Could you not tell him about this conversation? You know, about me being..." Sicheng cleared his throat, figuring it was just best to go along with it. 

"Asexual?" Kun cocked his head. So...Sicheng _was_  ace? Maybe he just wasn't fully familiar with the terms yet... Or maybe there really was something else going on here. Kun couldn't quite figure the other boy out. And that was rare for him. "Sure. As long as you tell him eventually. Whatever it is you're keeping from him."

Sicheng winced slightly. Great. Kun didn't believe him. He hoped to god the brunette wouldn't snoop any deeper. 

"Thanks." Sicheng turned back to the stage, lips quirking up slightly. He really had missed Ten. So fucking much. "I think...we need to communicate more. But I really don't want to lose him."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

_"Baby, just breathe. Slowly."_

Ten took a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he began hyperventilating down the phone to Jaehyun in the middle of this cafe. 

_"It's gonna be fine."_

"But what if it's not?" Ten whined, stirring his tea. 

Sicheng had finally agreed to meet up with him and he was... Well, he was completely fucking freaking out. What was he meant to say? What if Sicheng was really angry? What if he broke things off? 

Ten figured he couldn't really blame him, this was a messed up situation. He just really hoped Sicheng would understand and want to stick around. 

_"Then we'll help you get through it."_

Ten smiled softly to himself. Jaehyun always knew how to make him feel better. 

"You're cute."

 _"I know."_ Ten could practically hear Jaehyun's dimples digging into his cheeks down the phone _. "All you can do is try. It's better than just letting him go without putting up a fight, yeah?"_

"Yeah... Thanks for calming me down."

_"No problem, baby."_

"I'm just scared I'll say something stupid and- Fuck-" Ten's heartrate began to rise as Sicheng stepped through the cafe door. "He's here, I gotta go."

_"Good luck! I love you!"_

"I love you too." Ten mumbled, scrambling to put his phone down before Sicheng reached the table he was sat at. He wasn't sure professing his love to someone else was the best way to start this conversation. 

"Hi." Ten flushed at how high pitched his voice sounded, clearing his throat as he put his hand out, offering Sicheng a seat. "I got your favourite."

"Thanks." Sicheng feigned a smile as he sat down; taking a sip of chamomile tea ten had bought him. To say he was nervous was an understatement. Talking with Jaehyun the other day had helped, and then so did talking with Kun...until he went home that night and had a particularly bad dysphoric episode. He couldn't stop thinking about how he'd been lying to Ten too, and about how if he couldn't even admit who he was to Kun, someone so genuinely sweet and welcoming, who he was, then how the fuck could he admit it to Ten?

This was just such a mess he didn't know how they could come back from it. 

"I, uh-" Ten shifted, fingers coming up to play with the fire opal around his neck. It wasn't often he felt nervous. In fact, it almost never happened. Even when he felt like he was on the verge of habit a complete breakdown in public Ten was good at putting on a mask and pretending he was doing just fine, more scared of someone trying to help him than anything. That was, until he got home and completely crumpled In Taeyong's arms. 

But he felt like he couldn't wear a mask around Sicheng, because the younger would see straight through it. 

"I really am sorry about lying to you. I hated that I was and that's why I told you as soon as you asked me to be your boyfriend because I just couldn't stand it anymore, and I trust you, Sicheng, I really do. So, I'm sorry. I know you probably think I'm a total slut and-"

"I don't think that."

Sicheng spoke up, voice hesitant and reserved as ever, but loud enough to cut Ten's rambling off. 

"I would never call you that."

Ten's cheeks heated up. That was...sweet. Really sweet. Considering Sicheng barely even knew much about his past, didn't know what Ten had been through and was still struggling with, it meant a lot that he wouldn't call him that. Wouldn't accuse him of something he'd been called thousands of times over the years. Because he wasn't that person anymore, he really wasn't. He just happened to fall in love with two people. 

"I know this is hard for you. I can't imagine what it's like; finding out your boyfriend is already in a relationship. Well, two relationships. To be honest, if I was in your shoes, I probably would have totally kicked off, so thanks for being so mature."

Sicheng took a sip of his tea, allowing Ten to carry on. He wanted to hear everything the elder has to say first. Mainly because he wasn't sure what he wanted to say himself. 

Ten sighed, sitting back in his chair. 

"I had never planned on feeling anything for you. For anyone else. Ever again, but... There's just something about you, Sicheng. It's like you get me. You're so sweet and kind and...I haven't met a lot of people like you in my life."

Sicheng lowered his cup, swallowing. He knew Ten had a past, he wasn't quite sure what, he didn't want to push matters when the elder quite obviously had his guard up, but he could only assume it involved men that didn't treat him well. He deserved much better than that. 

"And...I miss you."

Sicheng exhaled, suddenly feeling kind of...winded. Ten had missed him? It had only been a few weeks and, well- The two of them had been spending an awful lot of time together before that. He'd be lying if he said he didn't miss Ten too. He'd gone to see him at work, for God's sake. 

But Ten had his boyfriends and Jungwoo. How could he possibly miss Sicheng when he had all of those people?

"Are you going to say anything?"

"Did you really miss me?"

"Of course I did."

"But you have Jaehyun and Taeyong and-"

"But they aren't you." That completely flawed Sicheng. "Neither of them are anything like you."

Sicheng looked away, just for a second, worried he was about to start welling up. Did Ten really care that much about him? That he was thinking about him even while he was at home with his two other boyfriends? Even when one of them was Jaehyun Jung? That just seemed crazy to Sicheng. He was just...him. This nervous mess of a person that would probably never be able to give himself fully to Ten because he was absolutely terrified of telling him the truth. 

"Sicheng, I really like you. And I understand if you want to end things, but-"

"I don't." Sicheng blurted out. Why- Why had he said that? Had he subconsciously made up his mind or- "I like you too."

That was it. Ultimately, he liked Ten, and maybe he hadn't even admitted it to himself yet, but he wanted to be with him no matter what. 

"Really? You still want to-?"

"Yeah." Sicheng's voice was breathy, making Ten's stomach flip. "I mean, it'll take me a while to get used to it, but...I want to be with you."

Ten reached across the table, taking Sicheng's hand in his own. They were so much bigger than Ten's, his fingers so long and slender. He briefly wondered if Sicheng played piano, and then wondered something else a little too dirty considering they had literally just got back together. 

"Thanks for giving me another chance."

Sicheng smiled, shuffling his chair around the table, closer to Ten's so he could kiss him. God, he missed those lips. He didn't really care that they had been kissed by other people in the time they were apart, because he knew exactly who those people were. It didn't seem filthy or disgusting like the idea of Ten just making out with strangers at bars did. He knew this was different thanks to Jaehyun explaining everything. 

He still felt a little weird about the whole situation, how could he not? But Ten made him feel good about himself, he made him smile, and he'd already been through enough heartache in his life to turn down a shot at being truly happy. 

Who knows, just like Ten did, he may even find a second person to love him. He had never considered it before, but after dwelling on the subject he realised how warm it made him feel. That he could be sandwiched between two people he was madly in love with as they scattered kisses across his face. _Two_  people. He'd never even had one before and now-

Maybe he was getting carried away, here. He was still keeping this massive secret from Ten that could throw their entire relationship into turmoil; he was miles away from the whole second boyfriend and living happily ever after thing right now.  

But for now this would do. This would more than do. He had Ten, this adorable little firecracker that never ceased to amaze him. His pole dancing instructor that had given him a lap dance on their third lesson but kissed him more gently than anyone ever had before. This tiny, guarded boy that had occupied his mind since the day they met, and was slowly chipping away at the ice cage built around his heart. 

He had Ten back, and for now, that was more than good enough for him.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't let them be separated for too long aaaaaaa
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	10. focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for edging u all for so long but FINALLY some smut  
> Also doyoung finally makes an appearance

"You wanna come back to mine? Taeyong's not in so we're gonna have to cook for ourselves, but..."

Sicheng laughed to himself, the two of them were walking hand in hand after spending the day at some photography exhibition he wanted to visit. 

Things seemed to fall back into place pretty easily. They'd go out on dates, make out in the back of Ten's car and talk until some ridiculous hour of the night. Just now he'd spend time with Ten's family too. He'd go over for dinner or join in on the movie nights, Ten wrapped up in his arms. 

It wasn't anywhere near as weird as he first thought it would be. They were all pretty laid back. It's not like they were all over each other when they were together or anything. Honestly, they did kind of just act like housemates, aside from the occasional kiss. It wasn't as full on as he imagined. 

It was actually kind of...nice. 

"Well, you can cook. Unless you want instant noodles, that's about as much as I can manage."

Ten rested his head on Sicheng's shoulder as they walked; he was just the right height. He was so happy that Sicheng knew about their relationship now. That he could come over and hang out with Ten and his family, and that they all seemed to approve of Ten's new boyfriend. 

Sicheng was still a bit shy, still quiet, but he was polite and seemed to enjoy everyone's company, even if he wasn't always comfortable with joining in conversations. He was a good listener nonetheless. 

They were hit with the smell of food as soon as they walked through the door, Sicheng silently thanking god that he wouldn't have to try and cook. The last thing he wanted was to burn his boyfriend's house down. 

"I wonder who's in..." Ten mused to himself as he pushed through the kitchen door; he assumed everyone would be at work. "Oh, for fucks sake."

Ten groaned as he realised who was in their house. Doyoung. Kim fucking Doyoung. 

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"Waiting for Jungwoo." Doyoung shrugged, completely unfased by Ten's reaction to him. He was used to it by now. 

"So you thought you'd just help yourself to our food?" He knew Jungwoo giving Doyoung a spare key would be a mistake. 

"I was hungry." Doyoung turned, bacon sandwich raised to his lips, ready to take a bite before he realised it wasn't just the two of them in the kitchen. 

"Who's that?"

Sicheng flinched a little. He had never actually met Doyoung, just briefly heard about him from Ten. He knew that his boyfriend wasn't his biggest fan. 

"My boyfriend. Sicheng."

"Oh, yeah." Doyoung nodded, speaking through a mouthful of bread. "Jungwoo mentioned you had a new victim. I'm so sorry, Sicheng."

Ten's jaw dropped. Why the _fuck_  did Doyoung feel the need to go out of his way to rile him up? Especially when he had been trying his hardest to be civil lately because for some unknown reason Jungwoo seemed to really like this asshole. 

"Don't you fucking start with me, Kim-"

"Victim?" Sicheng cocked his head, looking at Doyoung in mock perplexion. He knew exactly what the elder was playing at, and he wasn't about to let someone piss Ten off like that. "I'd say Jungwoo is the real victim, considering how long you've been messing around with his feelings because you're too fucking scared to come out."

Okay so, that was a little rich coming from him...but judging by the look of sheer horror on Doyoung's face, it seemed to work. 

Ten's lips curled up into the smirk as he turned to face his boyfriend. Wow. He didn't know Sicheng had it in him to clap back at someone. He was so sweet and reserved, especially around new people, but... He liked this feisty side of him. Telling Sicheng about what had been going on between Jungwoo and Doyoung for literally _years_ was a good move on Ten's half. Worked out to his advantage. 

Ten turned back to Doyoung, a sweet smile on his lips. He wasn't used to someone having his back when it came to Doyoung. He was usually chastised for being such a bitch all of the time even though it was _clearly_  because Doyoung was always pushing his buttons. 

"You can go now."

"Whatever." Doyoung scoffed, taking his sandwich and leaving. He wasn't going to hang around to be insulted by Ten and this slightly taller, Chinese version of Ten that he'd dragged in with him. 

"Oh my god!" Ten squeaked, throwing his arms around the back of Sicheng's neck. "I love you!"

Sicheng froze as Ten kissed him square on the lips. 

He-

_Love?_

Ten _loved_ him?

"I can't believe you just did that for me! I never knew you were so sassy!" Ten giggled, fingers stroking at the short hair at the nape of Sicheng's neck. 

"Yeah- Uh... I just- I don't like the way he talks to you."

"Well I _did_  say he was a dick." Ten rolled his eyes before looking up at his boyfriend. Sicheng was...beautiful. And now he just knew there was this feisty little bitch scratching to get out of its nervous shell. He was going to make sure he'd help Sicheng get over his anxiety and unleash this more confident side of himself. "You okay?"

Sicheng had gone awfully quiet. 

"Did you, uh..." Sicheng cleared his throat, shifting slightly. "Did you just say you love me?"

Ten's eyes widened slightly. Love? Had he said that...?

Oh god, he had. 

"Uh...Yeah. I think I did."

"Do you?"

Ten lowered his arms, stepping back a little, putting some space between them. Did he love Sicheng? 

"Um..."

He _did_ get butterflies every time he thought about the younger. And he thought about him a lot, actually. Even when he was at home with his other boyfriends, Sicheng was still on his mind. His adorable little smile, the way his thumb brushed over the back of Ten's knuckles when they held hands, the way he blushed whenever Ten called him cute. 

Sicheng made him happy. Really happy. And those couple of weeks they were apart, when he thought he'd ruined everything, absolutely killed him. The idea of never seeing Sicheng again hurt. Really hurt. 

A few years ago he never believed in love. And even after he had seen first-hand that it _did_  exist, he found it hard to believe it would ever happen for him. Because who would ever want anyone so broken? 

But Taeyong and Jaehyun proved him wrong, and although he was in denial for a long time, terrified to admit that _he_ would ever have feelings, it was the best thing he'd ever done. Falling in love was this...amazing feeling. This unbelievable warmth that would totally overtake him and make him feel happier than he ever thought he could be. 

Was that really happening...again? 

The butterflies were starting up again, his fingertips were tingling and his face was heating up. 

_Oh god._

"Yeah...I think I do."

Sicheng's lips parted, not really sure what to say. What _could_ he say? 

"You sure?"

"Yeah." Ten broke out into a grin. Now he had said it aloud it was so obvious to him. He was in love with Sicheng. "I...I'm in love with you."

Sicheng swore his heart stopped beating. 

"N-No one's ever said that to me before."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I-" Sicheng swallowed, avoiding eye contact. Ten had really fallen for him? For _him?_  But why? "Why would you be in love with me?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Ten played with the hem of his sleeves. He hated how insecure Sicheng was. He understood now why it bothered Jaehyun so much when Ten found it so hard to believe that anyone would be in love with him. "You make me happy and you're so sweet and you've never forced me to do anything I don't want and- I...I like having you in my life. You're kind of amazing, Sicheng."

"Wow." Sicheng's breath shuddered. No one had ever spoken so highly of him before. No one had ever made him feel so good about himself. 

He began to tear up, not really knowing how else to react. People were never this nice to him...especially when he'd been lying to them for months. But then again, Ten didn't know that. 

"Oh my god! Bambi don't cry!"

Sicheng laughed softly at the nickname, allowing Ten to lead him over to the coffee table before taking a seat. 

"I'm sorry, I'm just being stupid."

"You're not, I get it." Ten settled himself down in Sicheng's lap. "I don't know why you doubt yourself so much, but you really shouldn't. You're a great guy, Sicheng. I like you a lot."

"Thanks." Sicheng smiled weakly, focusing on Ten's chest in lieu of looking him in the eye. He felt awful. Ten had fallen for him. For his lies. He didn't deserve this. "I like you too. A lot. Like, _a lot_  a lot. I dunno if I'm in love with you because I...I've never been-"

"It's okay." Ten thumbed a stray tear away from Sicheng's cheek. "You don't have to say it. I wouldn't want you to lie to me if you're not actually in love with me. I just wanted you to know how I feel."

"You're so nice to me." Sicheng looped his arms around Ten's waist, hating himself for how the elder made him feel. He wished he could have been more open with Ten but- Now? He couldn't just blurt it out now. Ten was _in love_ with him. He'd been waiting for those words his entire life and now he'd heard them they seemed so...bittersweet. He didn't deserve to hear them. 

"You should consider yourself lucky." Ten pressed a soft kiss to the tip of Sicheng's nose. "You're one of the few people I am nice to."

Sicheng smiled; Ten always had a way of making him smile. 

"That's better. I like it when you smile."

Sicheng leaned in, burying his face in Ten's chest. He couldn't look at him anymore, not without feeling incredibly guilty. He had to tell him the truth. He really did. But he- He also wanted to bask in this, just a little. He knew it was selfish, hell; their entire relationship so far had been completely selfish on his half. But this was the first time anyone had ever fallen for him, and he absolutely loved how it made him feel. 

"So, you want me to make you something to eat? Or should we just order in?" Ten asked as Sicheng's arms tightened, pulling him in closer. He carded his fingers through strawberry blonde hair, hoping it would calm Sicheng down a little. He hadn't expected the younger to get so emotional over this, but honestly...it was kind of cute. It felt nice, being the one to make someone else feel good for a change. 

"It's up to you." Sicheng mumbled into Ten's shirt, letting his eyes fall shut. He wasn't even that hungry anymore. "As long as I'm eating with you I don't really mind."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

 

Ten's head was spinning, every inch of his body begging to be touched as Sicheng kissed him. The younger seemed so innocent, so naïve, but he kissed Ten with such purpose, such ferocity it made him wonder just what else Sicheng could do with that tongue. What other tricks he had hidden up his sleeve. 

"-Chenggie." Ten breathed out, trying to catch the blonde's attention between heated kisses. "I think I'm ready." 

Sicheng was too caught up in the way Ten tasted, humming into the elder's mouth, not actually paying attention to what he had said until-

Sicheng squeaked as Ten's hands made their way south. They had kept everything above the waist up until now, neither one of them wanting to make the first move before discussing things first. But here was Ten, hands firmly planted on Sicheng's ass. 

"Wh-"

"I'm ready." Ten smiled, cheeks flushed as he tucked strawberry blonde hair behind Sicheng's ear. "I want you."

"You- You wanna-?"

"Make love?" Ten giggled at the cheesy expression, one he had never even dreamed of using until he met Jaehyun. "Yeah."

Sicheng felt all the colour drain from his face. 

Fuck. 

He still hadn't gotten around to telling Ten his secret, which he _knew_ was stupid because the longer he left it the worse things would be. Ten had already fallen for him for God's sake, and he knew he wasn't far behind. But... He was just having _such_ a good time with Ten and he was _really_ enjoying being his boyfriend. He was even warming up to the idea of being included in Ten's family. He was getting to know everyone better and they were beginning to accept him. He didn't want to ruin that. 

But now Ten wanted to have sex and there was no way he'd be able to stall any longer. 

"I- I-"

Ten propped himself up on his elbow. Was he being selfish, here? He was the one that said he wanted to wait, and he felt awful for making Sicheng wait so long, especially when he was still sleeping with Jaehyun and Taeyong. It just took a lot of courage for him to even consider sleeping with someone new, but he trusted Sicheng and he felt like he was finally comfortable with the idea. 

But...was Sicheng not ready? He hadn't even thought about that. 

"We don't have to...if you're not ready."

"It's not that, I just-"

"Do you...not want to sleep with me?"

Sicheng's heart sunk at how insecure Ten suddenly sounded. He had never heard that tone in his voice before, he usually came off so confident. 

But Sicheng knew where it was coming from. Ten had opened up to him not long ago, claiming he didn't want any secrets between them. Sicheng had nodded, smiling weakly before feeling incredibly guilty as Ten opened up about his past. About how he had been taken advantage of and treated like nothing more than an object. He learned how Ten had used sex as a coping mechanism, because it was all he knew, all he'd never been good at, and that that was why he had wanted to wait. He valued himself more than that now. He knew he was worth more than just his body. 

Sicheng felt numb as Ten cried into his shoulder that night, hating himself for continuing to lie to his boyfriend when Ten had poured his heart out. But he didn't want to take away from Ten, didn't want to seem like he was trying to make everything about him, so he kept quiet. And hadn't been able to bring it up since. 

He was a coward. A coward and a liar and it would serve him right if Ten did break up with him. 

But he was also a little selfish, and wanted to hold onto this as long as possible. 

He should have just said he wasn't ready. 

"I do! I just- I don't want you to feel...used." That actually wasn't a lie; the last thing he wanted was Ten to feel like he _had_ to sleep with Sicheng. 

"I won't, I promise. You've already waited this long for me. Most guys wouldn't." Ten shuffled in a little closer, nose nuzzling against the younger's. "I want you, Sicheng."

"I want you too." Sicheng breathed out, head tilting to catch Ten's lips in his own. He couldn't help himself. How could he? Ten was perfect. Everything he had ever wanted. Maybe- Maybe he should just bite the bullet and-

"Let me make you feel good."

He could give Ten what he wanted without giving himself away, right? 

"Let me make you come."

"Oh my god!" Ten threw his head back as Sicheng latched onto his neck. Wow. He wasn't expecting him to be so...forthcoming. He ran his fingers through the younger's hair, pulling him in closer. He wanted Sicheng to mark him. To bite him. He wanted his boyfriends to know that he had been claimed by someone else last night. He wasn't quite sure why, but he did. He wanted Sicheng to be right up there with Jaehyun and Taeyong. 

"Sicheng..." he moaned as his hands travelled south, over Sicheng's back. He wanted to touch his boyfriend; he wanted to feel his boyfriends skin against his own, he wanted-

"Ah-ah." Sicheng chastised, pulling up, fingers looping around Ten's wrists, pinning them to either side of his head. "I never said you could touch."

Sicheng was far from dominant. Hell, he loved to be tied up and spanked and fucked into next week, that's all he had ever wanted. To be treated like he was the only person in the world. 

But tonight he wanted to give all of that to Ten. Because he deserved it. And, well, it made things easier on his part too. 

Ten giggled, writhing slightly on the bed. He never expected this from Sicheng. He was so nervous and shy. He came off as so sweet and innocent, yet- 

"I'm sorry." Ten pouted, hips rising, brushing against Sicheng's. "What are you gonna do to me?"

"I told you." Sicheng whispered, close to Ten's ear before licking a long strip along the elder's jawline. He could practically feel the goosebumps on Ten's skin under his tongue. "I'm going to make you come."

Sicheng let go of Ten's wrists, trusting him not to touch, just for a couple of seconds before hooked his fingers in the hem of the elder's sweatshirt. He pulled it up over Ten's head, hesitating as he something caught his eye, glinting in the dim lighting.

"Woah."

"You like?" Ten smirked, arching his back off of the bed a little to show off the ring through his right nipple and the barbell through his left. They both gave off such different sensations he couldn't decide which one he liked better, so just went with one of each.

Sicheng reached forwards to toy with the ring. He'd never been with anyone with nipple piercings, but he'd always found them hot. Maybe when he got his top surgery he'd be able to get one of his own.

He bit down on his bottom lip. Why was Ten so fucking perfect? 

He got back to his legitimate task, stretching Ten's arms out before tying them to the headboard with the sleeves of the sweatshirt. 

Perfect. 

Now Ten wouldn't be able to touch him. 

He felt awful. He was lying to Ten. But...

He looked so fucking good laid there. And he wanted this. He wanted Sicheng so bad and this was the best he could give him right now. 

"I never had you down as so kinky." Ten giggled again, pulling at his makeshift restraints. This was going to be well worth the wait. "Just put your cock in me already." 

Sicheng faltered at the c-word. He was literally _the worst_  person. His boyfriend had been used over and over by men in the past and now he was-

No. He wasn't like them. 

He _really_  liked Ten. He...he might even be falling in love with him. 

He _wasn't_ using him. He was giving Ten what he wanted. He was going to make him feel so, _so_  good. Make everything about him. Make him feel special because-

He was a good guy. He really was. He just had a secret he wasn't ready to let go of just yet. 

He cleared his throat, picking up the Dominant role he'd been playing. The one he'd seen in god knows how many pornos. He was usually imagining himself on the receiving end, however, but needs must. 

"I dunno if you've earned it yet." Sicheng's finger trailed across Ten's chest, circling around a pert nipple. Revelling in the way Ten gasped as he tugged at the barbell. "Plus, I kinda wanted to make this all about you. I wanna make you feel special."

"Sicheng-" Ten sighed. He knew where this was coming from. "You don't have to. This can be about _us._ I want you to feel good too."

"I do." Sicheng leaned back in, kissing his boyfriend square on the lips. He meant that. He really did. Ten deserved to be treated like he was the most important person in the world. "Please let me do this for you."

The way Sicheng was looking at him, it wasn't just with lust it was- He was looking beyond that. Past the eyeliner and the bitten lips. Past the fact his skin looked so much better marred with purple. Past the way he rolled his hips, both on stage and in bed.

He saw Ten. As a person. An actual human being with feelings and dreams and love to give. 

He was one of the only people he had ever met that liked him for who he was. For his personality and quick wit. For his weird little quirks, for how soft his fingers felt intertwined with Sicheng's. He most definitely wasn't in this for the sex, he had already made that clear, but Sicheng wanted to make sure Ten knew that. _Really_  knew that. 

"Okay." Ten nodded. He could totally see where Sicheng was coming from here, and actually, it was really sweet. "Make me come, baby."

Sicheng practically squeaked with excitement as he lowered himself down to the waistband of the elder's jeans, making Ten giggle softly. Sicheng was so damn cute, even like this. 

He pulled Ten's zipper down, before shimmying jeans off, smirking to himself at the bulge already beginning to form in Ten's boxers.

"You have no idea how many times I've thought about this." Sicheng purred, finger pressing against Ten's hardness, the pathetic form of contact making the elder squirm. He needed more than that. 

"Sicheng." Ten whined, twisting his hips on the bed as an invitation. "Please don't tease me."

The corners of Sicheng's lips curled up. Ten was just adorable. Even all tied up like this. It kind of made him want to tease him more, but... He had to distract Ten from what was really going on here. From the fact they weren't going to have sex tonight...or any time soon, for that matter. 

"Okay, fine, but only because you look so pretty all tied up for me."

Ten cursed himself internally as butterflies flooded his stomach. How did Sicheng manage to have such an effect on him when in this position? He was so whipped. 

He gasped softly as Sicheng pulled his boxers down, his semi springing out of its confines. It wasn't often that Ten felt exposed or vulnerable, but...like this; all tied up with Sicheng's face only inches from his cock? He couldn't help but flush. 

"Baby-" Ten started as Sicheng's breath ghosted over the head of his cock, only to veer left and latch onto his thigh. So much for not teasing him. Sicheng was going to be the end of him - he was pretty sure of th- "Ah!"

Ten cried out as Sicheng's fingers wrapped around his cock, as he _finally_ touched him. 

He had been thinking about this moment for a while now, often waking up hard after dreams of Sicheng touching him, fucking into him, making love to him. But he wanted to be sure. He wanted to make sure he really did love Sicheng, that he trusted him. 

And he did. He really fucking did. 

"Bambi." he breathed out as Sicheng began to work his cock, as he sucked on the sensitive skin of Ten's inner thigh. He lifted his hips slightly, rutting into Sicheng's grasp, making it obvious that he wanted more. "Faster."

"You're so impatient." Sicheng chuckled against Ten's skin, not that he was surprised. Demanding and Ten were two words that fit together perfectly. "I want to take my time with you."

"But I've already waited so long." Ten pouted, neck craning so he could look down at his boyfriend. "And you feel so good."

"You like my fingers?" Sicheng smirked as his thumb dipped into the slit of Ten's cock, spreading beads of precome around the swollen head. He was already so wet Sicheng couldn't help but rock his own hips down into the mattress, moaning softly at the wetness that was beginning to soak through his underwear. 

But he had to stop himself. This was meant to be about Ten, not getting himself off. 

"Cause this isn't all they're good at."

Ten's breath hitched as the thumb on Sicheng's free hand brushed against his entrance. Holy fuck. Sicheng really wasn't messing about when he said he wanted Ten to feel good, was he? 

"Please." Ten whined, pushing his hips down against the pad of Sicheng's thumb. He wanted more. He _needed_  more. "I want to feel you inside of me. Please."

Sicheng's smirk grew. Ten sounded so good like this; begging. He could see why people got off on it. He was usually the one pleading to be filled, the one spreading his legs for someone else to have their way with them. 

But this was different. Ten was in love with him. He _wanted_ Sicheng, not just sexually. He wanted to _be_  with Sicheng. 

And Sicheng wanted to give him everything he had. Unfortunately, that didn't include a dick, he couldn't fuck Ten the way he wanted, but he could fill him up... He could still make him lose it. 

"It's cute how needy you are." Sicheng smiled as Ten whined louder, as he spread his legs, waiting for more. But Sicheng wanted to make this last, wanted Ten to really lose it at his hands. At his tongue. 

He leaned in, a little hesitant at first; worried that maybe this was too much for their first sexual encounter. But he wanted to make Ten feel as good as he possibly could. 

"Oh my god." Ten gasped as Sicheng pressed a kiss to his taint, just above his entrance. That definitely wasn't what he had Sicheng to do, but he definitely wasn't complaining. He had never expected his boyfriend to be so...forward. He was still so sweet and quiet, and despite starting to come out of his shell a little more Ten had never expected to be eaten out. 

Ten let out a soft moan-laced giggle as Sicheng began to lap around the ring of muscle, his hand still working the elder's cock, ever so slowly. It was driving him a little insane, but _god_ did it feel good. 

Ten spread his legs further as Sicheng pointed his tongue, pushing it into the ring of muscle. He never thought Sicheng would be such a tease. That was usually his role. 

"Bambi-" Ten gasped out as he raised his hips further into his boyfriends touch, completely offering himself up to Sicheng. It had been forever since he'd done this. Since he'd been with someone new, and he thought it would have absolutely terrified him. But he trusted Sicheng. Completely. 

"Baby, more!" Ten moaned as Sicheng pushed his tongue in further, as his lips came into contact with sensitive skin, as his grip tightened. God. Ten knew it would be embarrassing if he came so soon, but he had been thinking about Sicheng for so long and he hadn't been eaten out in forever. He was so fucking close already. 

Ten's eyes rolled back in his head as he heard Sicheng groan between his legs. He sounded so fucking good and it was only turning him on more. He wanted to touch Sicheng like this, wanted to make him lose it too. 

But god, it was the sweetest thing in the world knowing his boyfriend wanted to look after him. That he took everything that had happened in his past into consideration and wanted to make it about him. 

"Chenggie, I'm so close." Ten writhed against the mattress, fingers tightening into fists in his makeshift confines. 

"Already?" Ten whined as Sicheng pulled out of him, just to taunt him too. "Am I really making you feel that good? I haven't even sucked your dick yet."

Ten didn't even have the chance to respond before he let out a cry as Sicheng's lips circled around the head of his cock, wasting no time in sucking on the already stimulated bundle of nerves. Sicheng was going to be the end of him, he was fairly sure of that. 

Sicheng smirked around Ten's cock as the elders moans grew louder. Holy fuck he sounded _amazing._ And he wanted more. He needed to hear more. 

He sunk down on Ten's cock, lips pursed as he rose back up ever so slowly. He wanted Ten to feel _everything._ He wanted him to totally lose it, because he deserved it. He deserved to feel this good. 

Ten couldn't handle much more of this. He wasn't sure he had ever come this quickly but Sicheng was doing all of the right things and he felt so safe and secure it was just making this whole experience so much better. 

"Baby- I'm gonna-"

Ten tried his best to warn Sicheng, to prepare him as his hips bucked up, as he finally climaxed with a strangled scream. 

"Holy fuck." Ten whined as his entire body tingled, as Sicheng kept sucking, milking every last drop of his orgasm. Jesus Christ. How was his sweet little boyfriend that was so hesitant to even hold his hand when they first met so good at sucking dick? "That was unreal."

Sicheng let go of Ten's cock with a pop, a serene smile on swollen lips. He looked absolutely gorgeous; arms stretched above his head, a blissed out look on his flushed face, chest shuddering, stomach still tight. 

Ten might just be the most beautiful person Sicheng had ever set eyes on. Because he was _his._ His boyfriend. Sure, he still obviously had a thing for Jaehyun, but he was...definitely falling in love with Ten. 

He crawled up the bed, kissing the elder, moaning as Ten's tongue ran across his bottom lip, tasting himself. His fingers ghosted over the elder's cheeks as they made out. Ten was absolutely perfect. 

"Is it my turn now?" Ten giggled as Sicheng pulled away. "I wanna make you feel that good too."

"Nope." Sicheng sat up with a smile, pressing his thighs together. He was so fucking wet but there was no way he could let Ten touch him. He was positive telling him now would ruin the night. "This was all about you, baby. Don't worry about me."

Ten pouted as Sicheng untied him, watching on as his boyfriend went to the bathroom, presumably to finish himself off. He sighed contentedly to himself. He hadn't ever expected to find himself in this situation again. In love with anyone else. With someone as amazing as Sicheng. He was so happy the younger had messaged him. That he had agreed to the dance lessons. That he had let someone else into his life. 

"Come here." Ten opened his arms out as Sicheng re-entered the room. He needed post-sex cuddles. "Spoon me." 

Sicheng settled himself down behind Ten, arms wrapping around the smaller boy's waist. He absolutely loved cuddling with Ten, but it was...kind of awkward. He was always terrified Ten would be able to feel his chest or something. 

"Can you stay the night?"

Sicheng sighed. Something else he couldn't do. He couldn't sleep in his binder - as much as he would love to he knew how unsafe it was. Plus, he couldn't risk his t-shirt riding up in the night and exposing him. He would kill to wake up in Ten's arms, but right now...he couldn't. 

"I have to be at a shoot at 5 tomorrow and all my stuff is at home, sorry baby." A lie that made his stomach twist as Ten's shoulders drooped. He hated having to leave him, especially after sex, but...what choice did he have? 

Well, he could tell Ten what was going on with him, but... God. He was just terrified. He was so fucking happy right now and he didn't want to let go of that. 

"Well..." Ten laced his fingers with Sicheng's where the rested on his stomach. He really didn't like being left alone after sex, but he was sure Sicheng wasn't doing it on purpose. He had just blown his mind for nothing in return. "Just stay as long as you can. Please?"

Sicheng hated how small Ten's voice sounded. He knew how fragile and insecure the elder still was. He pressed a kiss to the nape of Ten's back, feeling the dancer relax in his hold.

"Of course I will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Probably not the smut scene u were waiting for but albdkwbdkw that's all ur getting for now!!))
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions and bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	11. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's me!!! I'm gonna try and update this weekly but w work and what not I may not be able to but!! I'll try!!  
> This is pretty much 90% fluff as a lil break from all the tension so I hope u all enjoy!!

Sicheng popped one of his ear buds out as he pressed the intercom buzzer on the gates to Ten's place. It was still so crazy to him. He was dating a guy that lived in a seven bedroom townhouse, behind _gates._ It took him a good few minutes to walk from the street, through the garden to the actual house. 

"Who is it?"

"Sicheng."

"Oh! Hey, come on in!"

Not only that, but he was living with Jaehyun Jung. The man who had just invited him in. 

Sicheng still wasn't over his fascination with Jaehyun. How could he possibly be? But he had sort of calmed down when it came to the Instagram posts and the notifications. It would have been kind of embarrassing if messages kept popping up on his screen about Jaehyun's latest tweet when he was out on a date with Ten. 

Plus, he got to see him in person now. And he was _way_ more gorgeous in real life than he was in his pictures. 

Talking to Jaehyun, however. That was...still a struggle. 

"Hey."

Sicheng smiled as Jaehyun opened the door for him. God he hoped someone else was in, he wasn't sure he could cope with it just being the two of them. 

"Ten's still at school, he shouldn't be long though."

"That's fine. I'll...probably just go wait in his room or something."

"Oh." Jaehyun cleared his throat. He wasn't used to being shunned. "Or, we could...hang out a bit. We still don't know each other that well."

Sicheng's mouth moved as he tried to formulate a response. That sounded...like hell. But he was far too polite to say no. Goddamnit. 

"Sure. We are like...co-boyfriends or whatever. Right?"

"Something like that." Jaehyun laughed, motioning for Sicheng to follow him into the living room. 

Jaehyun liked Sicheng. A lot. He thought he was adorable and on the rare occasions he did smile it made his heart flutter a little. Okay, so he had a crush on him. A big one. It was hard not to. Sicheng was just so damn...endearing. 

"How's uni going?"

"It's okay." Sicheng shrugged as he sat on the sofa adjacent to Jaehyun, he had an evaluation coming up and he was absolutely dreading it. It's not that he didn't think his work was good enough or anything, he was just terrified of being judged. By anyone. For anything. "How's work?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. I stand there and look pretty, people take pictures, they give me money. I can't really complain." Jaehyun beamed, those dimples of his digging deep into his cheeks. Sicheng couldn't help but smile back. It was contagious. "You should come on another shoot with me sometime. It'll be fun."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah! Of course! It'll help with your degree. Or for the future. You graduate soon, right? I can pull a few strings here and there. You're, like, family now. Right?"

"Family?" Sicheng breathed out. Did they really see him that way? That was...amazing. He didn't think that Ten's boyfriends hated him or anything, but he didn't think they liked him _that_  much. That....Jaehyun liked him that much. 

"I mean, if you want to be." Jaehyun faltered. He was always opening his big mouth without speaking. "We all like you, so..."

Sicheng knew he was blushing, and he wasn't sure if he was going crazy, but he was fairly sure Jaehyun was blushing too. He had no idea why. 

"I like you guys too." Sicheng smiled softly. "I never thought I'd be saying that to my boyfriend's _other_ boyfriend."

"Yeah it's...a weird situation, I get that." Jaehyun took a deep breath, wondering if he should ask what was on the tip of his tongue. It was probably a little too early, but... "Have you ever thought about that? Like...having another boyfriend?"

Sicheng's eyes widened. _Another_ boyfriend? He could barely believe he had _one._ It amazed him that Ten wanted to be with him, he couldn't imagine anyone else feeling the same way. 

"Not really, it took me long enough to get one." Sicheng laughed nervously. Was Jaehyun crazy? _As_ _if_  he could get someone else. "I mean...I'm not opposed to it. Like, I totally accept you guys but- Who else would want me?"

Jaehyun's eyebrows furrowed. "Is that really what you think?"

"Well, yeah..." of course he did. He was a mess. His body made him feel sick, he cried himself to sleep most nights and he was beginning to lose hope of ever having top surgery because his doctor said he wouldn't be able to get it on the NHS and how the hell was he ever going to be able to afford that?

Jaehyun didn't like this side of Sicheng. He knew that he was a little shy, kind of withdrawn and very nervous. But he hated the idea of anyone putting themselves down. He had seen it in all of his boyfriends and had done everything in his power to make them see otherwise. 

Now it was time for him to help Sicheng out. 

He moved over to the sofa Sicheng was sat on, scooting a little closer. He could practically hear Sicheng's heart rate increase. 

"Why are you so insecure?"

"I- Uh, I just...am." Sicheng knew fine well his face was beetroot now. Jaehyun was so...close. Within touching distance. He may have met the model a handful of times now, but...this felt different. A lot more intimate. 

"Is something going on with you?" Jaehyun tilted his head, settling back against the sofa. "You don't have to tell me but- I've been told I'm a pretty good listener."

Jaehyun had this sort of soothing presence to him. Something that made Sicheng want to spill everything. To tell him who he really was. What he hated most about himself. Why he was so terrified of anyone getting too close. Why he and Ten still hadn't slept together. 

Maybe if Jaehyun was the one he met first he'd feel more like he could open up. He was pretty sure the model wouldn't judge him. It's not that he didn't feel comfortable around Ten, more...he didn't really feel comfortable around anyone. Ten had always mentioned that Jaehyun had this calming aura around him. Sicheng wasn't entirely sure what that meant, but he kind of understood where he was coming from. 

But he wasn't going to. He couldn't possibly tell Jaehyun before he told Ten. 

"No, I'm fine." Sicheng feigned a smile, sure Jaehyun would see straight through it. "Just, no one's ever really liked me before, never mind been in love with me. It's a little hard to believe sometimes." 

"I don't find it that hard to believe." Sicheng's breath hitched as Jaehyun inched closer. "I can see _exactly_  why he likes you so much." 

"Y-You can?" Sicheng played with a loose string on the sleeve of his shirt. Was Jaehyun flirting with him? Why the fuck would _Jaehyun_ be flirting with him? 

"Of course. You're adorable and really sweet and funny and really, _really_ pretty and you-" Jaehyun stopped himself before he started rambling. Sicheng was all of those things and more. Jaehyun just wished he could see that himself. 

"And I...?" Sicheng didn't want Jaehyun to stop. He'd had a taste of what being loved felt like from Ten and now... He fully understood the whole polyamory thing. Why just stop at one person when you could have that two or even three times over? 

Maybe he was being crazy, there was no way Jaehyun was _in love_ with him, but hearing the model list everything he liked about him was really, really nice. 

"Your lips look really kissable."

"What?" Sicheng gasped out. Was Jaehyun being serious? He thought- He wanted to- Was this okay? He was with Ten, he-

"Hey! I'm home!" 

Sicheng's ears burned, shuffling away from Jaehyun as Ten entered the living room. This felt wrong. _So_ wrong. He may have been interested in Jaehyun first, but he was with Ten now. He couldn't be caught flirting with someone else. 

"Hey, Princess." Jaehyun smiled as Ten settled down next to Sicheng as if nothing weird was going on. Why was he so relaxed about all of this when Sicheng felt so nauseous? "How was school?"

"Okay." Ten shrugged. He didn't really like talking about school much. Jaehyun was a self-made success and Sicheng was studying for his degree while he hadn't even graduated high school. It just made him feel stupid. "What are you two up to? It looks like I've interrupted something."

Ten giggled as he tucked a few stray hairs behind Sicheng's ear, not missing the way his boyfriend flinched. Just what had he and Jaehyun been discussing before he came home? 

"We were just talking." Jaehyun smiled innocently, those dimples of his digging into his cheeks. He knew fine well Ten wouldn't buy it; he had already opened up to the dancer about how he felt about his new boyfriend. "I was telling Sicheng about how much we all like him."

"Oh?" Ten raised an eyebrow, silently communicating with Jaehyun via eye contact. He knew exactly what that meant when Jaehyun nodded subtly. "You mean how much _you_ like him?"

Sicheng swore he stopped breathing for a good half-minute. Did Ten...know? And was okay with that...? He understood to an extent that this sort of thing was okay within their relationship, but...he never expected them all to be so casual about it. 

"Maybe." Jaehyun smiled deeper, cheeks flushing a little. He looked almost...nervous. Sicheng wasn't sure he'd ever seen Jaehyun nervous before. "I may have mentioned how badly I wanna kiss him."

Ten scoffed. Of course he did. He couldn't even be mad...because Sicheng _did_  have the softest lips he'd ever planted his own on, and he knew fine well what a hopeless romantic Jaehyun was. He was actually a little surprised it had taken the model this long to bring it up. He wasn't exactly shy about his feelings. 

But Sicheng didn't even seem to be moving. 

"I think you scared him."

Jaehyun's eyes shot open as they landed on Sicheng. Oh god. He actually did look a little terrified. That was the last thing he wanted. 

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, I just-"

"I- I'm not. You didn't." Sicheng squeaked, finally finding the courage to speak up as Ten's fingers stroked through his hair. "I just- I didn't expect it and-"

He turned towards his boyfriend. Ten's eyes were swimming with worry, and something else he couldn't quite put his finger on. Adoration, maybe? He just looked so...serene. He honestly thought that even in a relationship like theirs that Ten would be a little mad. Nothing had even happened but he felt like he'd gone behind his boyfriends back. 

"I didn't know how you'd feel."

Ten smiled softly, fingers lacing with Sicheng's. He was practically shaking. He was so new to this; it had to be confusing for him. 

Honestly, when Jaehyun had first confessed his feelings for Sicheng, Ten had felt a little pang of jealously. Sicheng was _his._ All his. He didn't have to share him with anyone else. Didn't have to be second in line, but... He knew that wasn't fair. That jealousy was an ugly emotion that had no place in love. 

He had seen first-hand how insecure Sicheng was, how unworthy he felt of Ten's love, never mind anyone else's. It reminded him of how he was himself just a couple of years ago. 

"It's okay, I get it. I mean, it's pretty hard not to fall for you." Ten laughed softly as Sicheng's face burnt up even more. "There are no rules that say you have to be with more than one person to be part of our family, but I'd never be angry at either one of you for having feelings for one another."

That was a tiny white lie. The pang of jealously also came from the idea of Jaehyun liking someone else. But this was Sicheng they were talking about. One of the sweetest, most genuine guys he'd ever had the pleasure of meeting. _He_  was the one that brought Sicheng into their lives, and while it may be hypocritical of him to resent anyone else joining...this was a hell of a lot better than Jaehyun falling for someone completely new. 

He knew Sicheng. He loved him and he trusted him. He knew the strawberry blonde would never hurt any of them. 

"So...you don't think it's weird?" Sicheng really wished Jaehyun wasn't still sat on the other side of him. He would much rather have this conversation when he and Ten were alone. It felt sort of rude talking about the model as if he wasn't there, but then again, it also felt rude to ask him to leave. 

"Not really. I think it's sort of cute. Do you think it's weird? I know this is probably a lot really soon, we haven't been together that long."

Sicheng thought about it. Really thought about it. 

Of course he found it weird. The very idea of Jaehyun _liking_ him was just absurd, and that was without the whole polyamorous thing they had going on. 

"Kind of..."

"Sicheng." The Chinese boy jumped slightly as Jaehyun spoke up behind him, almost afraid to turn around and look the brunette in the eye. "It's okay if you don't feel the same. I get that this is a lot to take in."

The last thing Jaehyun wanted was Sicheng to feel pressured into liking him back just because of their...situation. He was more than happy being just friends if that's what the younger wanted.

"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"You don't." Sicheng breathed before he could stop himself. "And that's what's weird... I've never had anything like this before. I've never had one guy like me back, never mind two."

"Like you _back?_ " Sicheng could practically hear the smirk in Ten's voice. Great. Had he actually fucking said that? 

"I- I-" His heart rate was going through the roof. "...Yeah."

"Do you want to kiss him, Bambi?"

Sicheng's eyes unfocused a little as they landed on Jaehyun's lips. Of course he wanted to kiss him. He had wanted to kiss him for so fucking long. There had been nights where _all_ he thought about was kissing Jaehyun Jung. But...he never expected it to be under any circumstances, never mind with his boyfriend sat right next to him. 

But he nodded anyway, because he really fucking did. 

"You sure?" Jaehyun wanted to double check considering Sicheng seemed to space out. The last thing he wanted was the younger to feel pressured. "Because you really don't have to, if you don't want."

"No, I do!" Sicheng flushed even harder at how quickly he responded. He hadn't meant to come off as so desperate. It was a little embarrassing. 

But Jaehyun just smiled. That soft, kind smile that made Sicheng's heart do somersaults every time he saw it. 

"...I do."

Jaehyun leaned in; face only millimetres from Sicheng's. This was so surreal. He felt like he was having an out of body experience. Like this was all a dream, because what on earth would Jaehyun Jung see in him? 

Sicheng let his eyes flutter shut as Jaehyuns fingers brushed against his cheeks. He almost stopped breathing as Jaehyuns nose bumped against his own. And he practically melted when Jaehyun finally kissed him. 

Him. 

Sicheng. 

That transgender kid from China that has been obsessing over him for months. That transgender kid from China who had absolutely no self confidence until he met his boyfriend. That transgender kid from China who wanted nothing more than to be loved, and now he'd had a taste he couldn't help but go back for more. 

How could he possibly refuse the idea of having _two_ boyfriends when all he had ever wanted was one? How on earth had he gotten this lucky? In what world would _two_ guys ever like _him?_

He tried his hardest not to overthink things, not right now, anyway. Not while _the_ Jaehyun Jung's lips were very firmly attached to his own. He didn't want Jaehyun to think he was a bad kisser just because his mind was elsewhere. 

Because this was all he had ever wanted. And then some. He had fantasised for god knows how long over Jaehyun. The far fetched idea of them ever being together. What it would feel like holding his hand. How soft his lips were. Waking up in his arms. 

But...was that going to be reality for him now? Was he actually going to be able to experience all of those things? _With Jaehyun?_

Sicheng whined softly as Jaehyun pulled away from the kiss, allowing himself to settle back against Ten, his boyfriends nose nuzzling into his hair. This was so weird. But so...right? Like it _was_ weird, Sicheng knew that. The majority of people would most definitely class this kind of thing as _weird_. But it felt so good. Like, he felt happy. 

Like that ice cold heart of his Really was starting to thaw between the warmth of these two amazing boys. 

"So..." Jaehyun beamed, cheeks flushed. Sicheng had never seen him like this before. This Jaehyun was for his and his familys eyes only. Not for on set. Not for instagram. For _them_. "Would you like to - maybe - be my boyfriend too?"

Sicheng giggled as Ten's arms wrapped around him from behind. God. This was crazy. So fucking crazy, but...

He wanted it. 

So bad. 

"I would love to."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Thanks, Taeyong." Sicheng smiled as the elder placed a bowl down on the table in front of him. 

This was all still a little surreal. He was over having dinner with Ten's family, the five of them sat around the dining table, just like that first night he met them. Except this time he knew everything. He knew that they were all inter-dating. That they were in love. He knew that Ten was in love with him. He knew that Jaehyun...liked him. Jaehyun was his _boyfriend_ for God's sake. Had been for just over a month now. How crazy was that? 

He smiled to himself, face heating up as the models fingers brushed against his knee. He had never met anyone like Jaehyun before. Anyone so caring. So loving. He was Jaehyun's fourth boyfriend, and even then, he still never felt left out. He couldn't understand how Jaehyun managed to make time for them all, especially with his job. Even when he wasn't around he still managed to make Sicheng's heart flutter with cute little texts about how he was thinking of him. It was...dare he say; perfect. 

He had imagined himself being alone forever, because who would ever want him, right? 

But now he had two boys. _Two_. 

Two boys that looked at him like he was the only person on earth that mattered, despite the fact he knew they look at the others that way too. That didn't bother him, because they were still looking at _him_  like that. At _Sicheng._

Two boys that showered him with love and affection and never over stepped his boundaries because they actually respected and cared about him. 

Two boys that made him smile wider than he ever had before. That made him feel more loved than he ever had before. 

Two boys that he was well and truly falling for. And hard. 

He could feel his ice cold heart begin to thaw, both Ten and Jaehyun chipping away at the walls he had built up to protect himself. And he wasn't even that afraid to let them in. 

Sicheng _wanted_ to be loved. He _wanted_ someone to look at him like he was the most beautiful person they'd ever set eyes on. He wanted someone to be there for him no matter what. He wanted someone to grow old with. 

It just might happen that he was going to end up with two someone's.

He thought about this as he nuzzled further into Jaehyun's hold. The five of them were in the living room watching a movie and he was in his favourite position of all. Eyes fluttering shut as he tried his hardest to stay awake, the steady rise and fall of Jaehyun's chest and fingers carding through his hair making that impossibly hard. Ten was curled up in his lap, giggling softly to himself every so often. 

He felt beyond warm, wedged in between the two boys that he was falling for. Subtle kisses and fleeting touches making his stomach flip every so often. This is what he loved the most; curling up with the two of them. He still hadn't plucked up the courage to stay over yet, not wanting to sleep in his binder and scared they might find something out he'd rather they didn't in the dead of night. 

So this would have to do. Until he stopped being such a coward and told his boyfriends the truth. This would have to do. 

"Prince?"

Sicheng smiled at the nickname Jaehyun whispered his way. Ten was his Princess and Sicheng was his Prince. That seemed to fit them both so perfectly. 

"You're falling asleep. Wanna go to bed?"

Sicheng shook his head against Jaehyun's chest. He was a little scared the model with start to think he didn't want to sleep with him. That he never wanted to wake up in Jaehyun's arms because he didn't see their relationship as something serious or whatever. That wasn't the case, he wanted that more than anything, he just...he was terrified of this all falling apart once they found out who he really was. 

"I'm happy here. Don't wanna disturb Tennie." He was fairly sure the elder had fallen asleep himself by this point. 

"No problem, baby." Jaehyun pressed a kiss to Sicheng's temple, fingers travelling down the younger's chest in an attempt to find his hand and intertwine their fingers. 

An action that made Sicheng jump and sit bolt upright and in turn woke Ten up as Sicheng's legs withdrew from underneath him, head stotting off the sofa. 

"I'm sorry!" Sicheng wrapped his arms around himself as Jaehyun stared at him wide-eyed. "I just- I got a fright, I-"

"It's okay." Jaehyun whispered. He hadn't thought the movement was that sudden, but...maybe Sicheng was more jumpy than he thought. "I was just trying to hold your hand. I should have just asked, I'm sorry."

Sicheng's heart sunk. He thought Jaehyun had been trying to start something. That he knew. That he was trying to cop a feel. That he felt his binder underneath his shirt and-

But no. He was just...being really, really sweet. 

"Oh- That's- Sorry, I just- I don't-" Sicheng swallowed, he could hear Ten sitting up behind him, whispering an 'Are you okay?' He could feel Taeyong and Jungwoo's eyes on him across the room, swimming with curiosity. "I just don't like being touched...there."

Jaehyun's eyes travelled down to his chest, turning Sicheng's face beet red. What if he could see now he had focusing on them...what if he knew he had-

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't know." Jaehyun's eyes were locked back on his own now. "I'll make sure not to do it again, sweetie."

Sicheng breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't know. He _really_ didn't know. Oh thank god. He felt awful for making Jaehyun feel so guilty, but it was true. He really didn't like being touched there. 

"I- Thank you." He smiled, a little awkwardly. He wished he hadn't caused such a big scene, but... it just caught him off guard. "Sorry for freaking out."

"Don't be." Jaehyun opened his arms back out, inviting Sicheng to snuggle back into him. "You wanna...?"

Sicheng giggled out a yes before diving back into Jaehyun's arms. Of course he did. How could he ever say no to that? He let himself melt into the models hold, lips spreading into a smile as Ten's head settled back down on his lap. 

He knew Jaehyun was understanding, that he had helped some of the others with their problems over the years. That he always respected their boundaries and would never intentionally do anything to hurt them, but now he was experiencing it for himself and it made his heart swell

Maybe he should tell Jaehyun. Maybe he would understand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions and bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	12. sixue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I /know/ I said I'd try to update weekly but then I got sepsis last week and :((( couldn't, sorry. But I'm back and here it finally is!! chapter 12 of sapphire!!  
> HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!! 💖💖
> 
> just a couple of trigger warnings for this chapter: transphobic language & mentions of past abuse/ptsd

 "I can't believe you just got us kicked out of that club." Sicheng laughed, climbing into the back of a taxi on his hands and knees, not quite able to shimmy in like a normal, sober person would. 

"I know, right?" Ten pouted, sliding in behind him before telling the driver where to go. "Bullshit."

"Well you _did_  climb on stage and refused to get down."

"It's not my fault they hired shitty dancers!" The elder protested, arms folding across his chest. "I was way better, anyway."

"Until security came and dragged you out." Sicheng snorted. 

The two of them had been drinking for most of the day. What started out as a pint with their burger turned into clubbing until the early hours of the morning. Until it was all brought to an abrupt halt, that is. 

Turns out drunk Ten was even more of a handful than regular Ten. Sicheng wasn't sure he'd have him any other way, though.

"It's probably just as well Jaehyun couldn't make it."

"Oh my god, could you imagine?" Ten cackled, head lulling back against the car seat. "We'd end up on the front page of some gossip magazine."

Sicheng smiled to himself. He was actually kind of gutted when Jaehyun texted them earlier, saying he wouldn't be able to come because he had to work late, he had barely seen his other boyfriend recently because he had been so busy with work, but maybe it was for the beat considering the turn the night had taken. He fully blamed Ten for making him do tequila shots. 

"I wish we'd gotten a pizza." Sicheng pouted, head resting on Ten's shoulder as he let his eyes fall shut. He could honestly fall asleep right now. 

"Or a McDonald's."

"Oh my god," Sicheng gasped, sitting up slightly so he could look up at his boyfriend, "do you think he'll take us to a drive through?"

Ten laughed softly, pressing a kiss to Sicheng's nose. 

"You're so adorable. I love you."

"I love you too." Sicheng slurred back, tucking his head back into the crook of Ten's neck, causing the elder to freeze up. That was...the first time Sicheng had said that back to him. Did he...did he actually mean it?

"You're just saying that because you're drunk."

"I'm not!" Sicheng looked back up at Ten, chin resting on the dark-haired boy's shoulder, another pout on his lips. "I do!"

"Really?"

"Yeah." Sicheng sat up properly this time, one hand on the back of the seat to steady himself, the other coming up to cup Ten's cheek. He had been thinking about this for a while, how to say it back. Despite the fact Ten had been the one to say it first; he was still a little scared to open up fully, in case the whole thing was some kind of elaborate rouse to make him look stupid. He knew he was being ridiculous and paranoid, but he still found it hard to believe that Ten actually liked him, never mind loved him. "I'm in love with you, Ten."

Ten let the words sink in for all of a couple of seconds before lunging in to catch Sicheng's lips in his own. He'd never get tired of hearing that. _I love you._ They were three words he'd never heard until a few years ago, not directed at him, anyway, and now he had three amazing boys saying it to him. _Three_. He was definitely addicted to love or something stupid, but he didn't even mind. It made him feel so unbelievably warm and cosy. It made his stomach churn. It made him want to open the taxi window and scream from the top of his lungs. 

It made him want to kiss Sicheng until they arrived home, made him want to give the other boy absolutely everything he had to offer. 

"I want you so bad." He breathed out against Sicheng's lips, fingers tangling in strawberry blonde hair as their kisses grew more heated. What was with them and the back of cars? 

"I want you too." Sicheng smirked, hand delving between Ten's legs to palm at the growing bulge in his jeans. "Can I suck you off?"

"Really?" Ten found it a little weird that Sicheng still hadn't wanted to go further than a blowjob, and even weirder than he never wanted one back. 

"Yeah." Sicheng made his way down to Ten's neck, nibbling at the sensitive skin as the elder moaned softly. "I like the way you taste, and I love being able to make you come with just my mouth."

A low chuckle rumbled through Ten's throat as Sicheng licked a long strip up it. He was beginning to realise that Sicheng maybe wasn't so sweet and innocent as he first thought. 

"In the taxi?"

"The driver's too busy to even notice what I'd be doing to you." Sicheng's voice had an air of mischief to it; one Ten wasn't used to hearing from him. If anything, that sounded more like it should be coming from Ten's lips. 

"Who knew you were such a little cockslut, hm?" Ten tilted his head back down to kiss Sicheng again. He couldn't help himself. "Can't even wait until we get home."

"I just wanna make you feel good." Sicheng pouted for the- God, Ten had lost count. He looked so adorable with his bottom lip jutted out like that all other thoughts tended to escape him whenever Sicheng was being a pouty baby. 

And then it hit him. Maybe they hadn't slept together yet because Ten always implied that Sicheng would be the one on top - because that's what he was used to. Guys liked to fuck him, make him scream and beg for more as they pounded into his tight little ass. But...maybe that's what Sicheng liked too. Just because he was tall and had a way deeper voice than Ten did didn't mean he liked to be in control. In fact, that was the total opposite of Sicheng's personality. He was shy and sweet. It was no wonder he liked being fucked into. 

Maybe that's where Ten had been going wrong all this time. 

"Do you want me to fuck you?"

Sicheng let out a jagged breath, suddenly realising how wet he was as he squeezed his legs together. That was literally _all_  he wanted right now. 

"In the taxi?" Sicheng giggled, repeating the elder's words as Ten pulled him in closer. He wasn't sure he could go that far. 

"No way, I want you all to myself." Ten growled as he grabbed a handful of Sicheng's ass, making the younger yelp into his mouth. He couldn't believe this was finally happening. He had been waking up from wet dreams about his newest boyfriend for weeks and he was finally getting to pay him back. To make Sicheng feel good for once. 

The two of them shared messy, open mouthed kisses for the remainder of the journey, not really caring how loud they were being in the back of this poor man's taxi. They were in love. They deserved it. 

"Thanks! Keep the change!" Ten shouted to the taxi driver as he pulled up at the house he shared with his boyfriends, throwing a twenty through the window. He didn't have time to be waiting around for the man to figure out how much he owed him. He wanted Sicheng. Now. 

The two of them ran up to the house, giggling with excitement. This was really happening. It was _finally_ happening. 

There was a blur of keys and stairs and shushing considering everyone else was asleep. Before Sicheng knew it he was flat on his back on Ten's bed with the elder on top of him. 

And he was in heaven. 

"Ten-" he gasped out as the elders teeth grazed against his neck, his hips angling up, desperate for more. He felt so unbelievably hot, still fully dressed, head spinning a little from a mixture of the alcohol and sheer lust. And he was wet. Really wet. He could feel the material of his boxers beginning to stick to him and Ten hadn't even touched him yet. He couldn't wait to come over and over at the hands of his boyfriend. This was like one too many wet dreams he had. 

And yet, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That this was all a little too perfect and maybe that's why it was so similar to his dreams... But god, he hoped he wouldn't wake up any time soon. 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Ten asked, pressing soft kisses to Sicheng's cheek, grounding him a little. They had both been drinking, not enough for them to both be totally legless, but Ten wanted to double check Sicheng knew what he was doing here. He didn't want to take advantage of him. "You're kind of tipsy."

"And you're kind of cute." Sicheng booped Ten on the nose with his finger. He loved that his boyfriend had even asked, that he had made sure. That was so sweet of him. 

But Sicheng was ready. He wanted this. He really fucking wanted this. 

"Make love to me," he started, fingers of one hand intertwining with Ten's as the other came to rest on the elders cheek, pulling him in for a tender kiss. Hopefully they last one they'd share before Ten began ripping his clothes off. 

Or...not. Was that what he wanted? Being naked made him feel a little weird. Maybe they could just do it fully clothed. He couldn't quite figure out why, but that's what he wanted. 

"Please."

How could Ten possibly say no to that? To being with the man he loved for the very first time. To giving Sicheng everything he had to offer. To the two of them becoming one or something just as cheesy. 

"I'm gonna make you feel so good, baby." Ten breathed before his lips crashed back down on Sicheng's. He couldn't get enough. "I'm gonna make you come so hard."

Sicheng giggled, hips arching off of the bed as Ten struggled with the button fly of his jeans, too focused on sucking dark purple marks into Sicheng's neck to bother looking at what he was doing. 

But he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That there was something he was missing here. That there was a reason they'd never done this before. 

He knew Ten wanted to wait but...that wasn't it. His head was so clouded from the heat of the situation that he couldn't think straight. Couldn't figure out why he would ever have said no in the past. 

"Ten!" Sicheng moaned his boyfriends name as a hand slipped into his jeans, heart racing at the thought of finally being touched. It had been _so long_  since he'd felt anyone else's fingers in him, anyone's but his own, and he was absolutely gagging for it. 

"Wh-" Ten's eyebrows furrowed slightly as his fingers came into contact with something wet. Sicheng's boxers. But...why were they so- Had he already come in his pants or something? Was he that desperate? Is that why Ten couldn't feel his hardness? 

He looked down at the blissed out smile on his boyfriends face, deciding not to say anything. He didn't want to embarrass him. Not now they had finally reached this point. Plus, he would have absolutely no problem with getting him rock solid again. 

He heard Sicheng's breath shudder as his fingers crept under the elastic of his underwear. Heard him whimper, eyes fluttering shut in anticipation of what was to come, of Ten blowing his mind and finally making love to him and-

"What the fuck?" Ten's hand shot out of his underwear, scrambling away from Sicheng as if he had been electrocuted by-

No. 

Oh god no. 

"Sicheng, are you-"

No this couldn't be happening. 

 _That's_ what had been niggling at the back of his mind. _That's_ why they hadn't gone this far yet. _That's_ why this all felt like a dream, because amidst all the kisses and passion and lust and butterflies in his stomach he had managed to totally forget who he was. What he was. 

Ten made him feel so normal. He made him so happy that he felt like all of his problems were swept under the carpet and- He had gotten so caught up in this fantasy where he was in love and he had these boys that loved him back that he had managed to forget how much he hated himself. And _why_ he hated himself.

"T-Ten, please don't-"

"Are you a girl?" Ten spat, stepping off of the bed, putting as much distance between him and Sicheng as he possibly could. This didn't make any sense. 

"No, I-" Sicheng cleared his throat. Fuck. This _really_  wasn't how he wanted this to happen _._ How he wanted this conversation to go. But it was his own fault for not saying anything earlier. For not telling Ten _months_ ago. "I'm a boy, I just-"

"No you're not. You have a fucking vagina. When were you planning on telling me?" 

Sicheng's chest tightened. This was exactly what he had been worried about. Exactly why he hadn't told Ten sooner. He was too wrapped up in falling for this feisty little dancer that he didn't want to ruin what they had by telling him and- Well, he was right not to, by the looks of it. The past couple of months had been perfect and he never would have gotten to experience them if he had come out any sooner. 

But he had to try and salvage this. 

He had to try and make Ten understand. 

"Please just hear me out, I-"

"Why should I? You've been lying to me since the moment we met." Ten began to well up, breath short in his lungs. Was this seriously happening? Was he _seriously_ being lied to again? He knew he should never have let anyone else in. "You made me fall for you and all this time-"

Ten saw his vision blur as tears began to roll down his face. 

"You're a girl?"

Ten didn't understand this at all. Why would Sicheng dress like a boy if he wasn't? Why would he pretend to be a boy if he _wasn't?_

"Ten, please just listen to me." Sicheng swallowed the lump in his throat. He hated seeing Ten cry. And he hated even more that he had been the one to cause it. "I'm not a girl, I'm transgender, I-I have this body but I'm a boy, I just-"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Ten backed up at little more, shoulder blades coming into contact with the wall as Sicheng made his way to the edge of the bed. He didn't want his... _boy_ friend to come anywhere near him. "I just fucking had my hands down your pants and you clearly don't have a dick so you _clearly_ aren't a boy."

Sicheng's fingers gripped into the edge of the mattress. Every time he had thought about opening up to Ten, about telling him the truth it hadn't quite went like this. He had made up this romanticised version in his head. One where Ten welcomed him with open arms and told him he loved him no matter what. 

But that wasn't going to happen, was it? 

"It-It's not that simple Ten, I _am_  a boy and I'm _really_ sorry I didn't tell you, I was just scared that-"

"That I'd react like this?!" Ten screamed back at him, not caring if he woke anyone else up. "What the fuck were you expecting, Sicheng? For me to not give a fuck that you've been lying to me and suddenly start liking girls and-"

"I'm not a girl!" Sicheng shouted back. He was trying to keep his calm because Ten was clearly very taken aback by all of this and it was his fault, but- He _wouldn't_ be called that. "I'm a boy, I just-"

"Stop. Just stop speaking." Ten leaned back against the wall. He didn't want to hear anymore. He didn't want to stand here and listen to Sicheng try to talk his way out of this. 

This couldn't seriously be happening again. There was a reason he never opened up to anyone before Jaehyun. A reason why he never let anyone get close. Because people lied. They lied all the fucking time to get what they wanted out of him. 

_'This isn't going to hurt, I promise. Just spread your legs a little further.'_

_'It won't be for long, just until you repay your debt. Then you're free to go.'_

_'Of course I won't show them to anyone else. These pictures are for my eyes only.'_

_'I've got what I needed, so you'll never have to see me again.'_

Lies. All of them. It always hurt and so many years of his life were taken from him and those pictures do get shown and he- He came back. He said, no, he _promised_ he wouldn't after he got his money and he-

Ten had been lied to too many times. _That's_ why he didn't let anyone else in. _That's_ why he wouldn't allow himself to fall. 

He felt like he couldn't breathe. It was happening all over again. Sicheng had lied to him. He had used him. He had made Ten fall for him but why? None of this made any sense. What did he want? What was he gaining from all of this?

He began to hyperventilate, too many thoughts clogging up his brain. He felt like his skull was about to explode. 

"What's going on in here?"

Neither of them had noticed the door to Ten's room clicking open, nor Taeyong peeking inside, Jaehyun's hand firm on his shoulder. The two of them had heard raised voices from Jaehyun's room downstairs and were worried Ten was having another panic attack or something. 

To be honest he looked like he was on the verge. 

"Muffin, what's wrong?" Taeyong slowly approached Ten. The younger looked like he could barely catch his breath, fingers running through his hair as tears streamed down his cheeks. He shot Sicheng a look, unable to help assuming the worst considering Ten's past. 

"I want _that_  out of my house." Ten seethed, voice barely above a whisper but still loud enough for Sicheng to hear. The younger flinched. Was Ten...was Ten really that disgusted by him? 

Jaehyun stepped into the room, albeit a little cautiously, not sure where to stand when two of his boyfriends were arguing. 

"Why- What- What's happened?"

"Are you going to tell him or am I? Because you've been lying to him too, haven't you Sicheng? If that even is your real name." Ten scoffed, imminent panic attack clearing now Taeyong's arms were wrapped around him.

Jaehyun's eyebrows furrowed. Real name? Was Sicheng some kind of spy or something? Was he working undercover for the media to find out more about them? People had always been interested in his love life but...surely no one was _that_ interested? 

Or was he...no. He couldn't be. He couldn't possibly have a connection to Hansol, could he? Jaehyun's stomach dropped at the thought. He promised Ten no one would ever hurt him again and-

"I'm transgender." 

Jaehyun snapped out of his thoughts as a soft voice came from the bed. What was that? 

"You're...?"

"Transgender." Sicheng looked up at him with watery eyes as he repeated it. The word he hated so much. "Female to Male. My birth name is Sixue, I've been livi-"

"Lying. Lying to us for fucking months, Jae."

Jaehyun looked between the two of them, not quite sure what to say. Sicheng was...transgender? He definitely hadn't seen that one coming. 

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"I-I was scared." 

Jaehyun rushed to Sicheng's side as his voice broke, clearly on the verge of bursting out in tears. Sure, he was a little annoyed that Sicheng hadn't brought this up sooner, especially considering they were in a relationship, but honestly, he felt awful that Sicheng felt he couldn't tell them something so huge. 

But seeing Ten's reaction he could understand why. 

"Jaehyun, what the fuck?" Ten struggled in Taeyong's arms, the elder's hold tightening as he tried to hold Ten back, worried he'd just make things worse if he got any closer to his boyfriends. "Are you seriously taking his side?"

"I'm not taking anyone's side." Jaehyun held his hands up in self-defence, not really sure why Ten as so mad about this. "I just want him to know that it's okay. That he still-"

"You what?" Ten's jaw dropped. Was Jaehyun being serious? Sicheng had flat out lied to them both. He'd broken Ten's trust when he knew fine well he had issues with that. Ten had opened up to him. Fully. Told him things that only Jaehyun, Taeyong, and Jungwoo knew about him. Things he'd never actually had to say aloud because the three of them were there with him, living it. And now- This. "He's- She-"

He couldn't breathe again. He thought he was past all of this. The panic attacks. The tears. The anxiety. The lies. He thought things were going to be better now. They were _meant_ to be better. He was meant to have this gorgeous new boyfriend that was insanely sweet and made him laugh harder than anyone had before and it was all a lie. All just an act. 

Everything they had was fake. 

"Shhhh, shh. Just calm down, yeah? It's all gonna be okay." Taeyong rocked him back and forth, not really knowing what else to do. He wished Ten would just settle down and think about this logically, but Taeyong could smell the alcohol on him, so he knew that probably wasn't going to happen. "Just breathe."

Ten nodded, eyes locking on his elder boyfriends. Breathe. Just follow Taeyong's breathing. Just calm down. 

His heart rate began to slow as Taeyong rubbed soothing circles into his biceps, his head beginning to clear as he came back to his senses. He was gonna be okay. Just breathe. In and out. In and out. 

"Ten, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner, please just talk to me."

The dark haired boy almost jumped out of his skin as a second hand rested on his arm. What the- Seriously? He had just stopped himself having a full blown melt down and Sicheng of all people was touching him?

"Get away from me." Ten scuttled back into the corner of his room, as if he was completely repulsed by Sicheng's presence. "Don't fucking touch me, I'm gonna- Oh god- I'm gonna be sick."

He grabbed onto his chest of drawers in an attempt to steady himself as a wave of nausea washed over him. He couldn't tell if it was an aftershock from the panic attack, of it was the alcohol finally taking its toll or if it was Sicheng. The fact that... _she_  touched him. 

He still couldn't put this all together. He didn't know what transgender meant. He'd never heard of that word before. He didn't exactly have a formal education or get the chance to meet many people from different walks of life when he was younger. 

Sure, he'd heard of drag queens before, he'd heard of ladyboy's back in Thailand, but that didn't mean he really knew anything about them, and the fact that his boyfriend- His...Sicheng was like that he- Well he didn't know what to think. He wasn't into girls, wasn't attracted to them, so why the fuck would he want to date one that dressed as a boy? 

"Ten, I-"

"Can you just get the fuck out?" Ten slid down the wall, legs beginning to give in. "I don't want _anything_ to do with you. I don't want you anywhere near me. You make me sick."

Sicheng's stumbled backwards slightly as Ten's words. He- Did he really just say that?

"Ten-" Taeyong started, crouching down next to his boyfriend. He knew the younger was upset, but... "You don't mean that."

"I do!" He spat, looking up at Sicheng through teary, narrowed eyes.

"Y-You said-" Sicheng was shaking now, eyes flitting across to Jaehyun who was still sat in the bed, almost frozen, clearly not sure what to do in such a situation. "You said you loved me."

"Love you?" Ten laughed bitterly. Was Sicheng for real? Did he actually expect Ten to still have feelings for him after this? "I don't even know you! You're a liar! Everything I loved about you was a lie! Why the fuck would I want to be with a freak like you?"

Sicheng let out a soft whimper as warm tears streamed down his face. _Everything_ Ten loved about him was a lie? _Everything?_  That wasn't true. He was still the same person. 

"You fell for me. I'm still _me._ "

Ten shook his head, gaze stern. 

"No. You're not. I don't know who you are anymore. And to think, I almost-" Ten hiccupped at the thought. He had almost slept with Sicheng. Almost given himself to this- This person that had pulled the wool over his eyes. This person that knew his deepest, darkest secrets and yet continued to play him. He didn't do that anymore. He didn't sleep with just anyone because the thought it was all he was good for. He reserved that for people he loved and- He almost gave that to _Sicheng._ "I let you _touch_ me. I-"

Then it hit him. 

"You didn't- You didn't want to make things all about me, did you? You didn't want me to feel good because of my past, you... You just didn't want me to find out... _what_  you are."

Why had Sicheng been using him like this? It didn't make any sense. It wasn't like he just wanted Ten for sex like everyone he had gotten close to in the past, but yet, he still used him. Ten let Sicheng see him at his most vulnerable. He had opened up to him and Sicheng had still- 

"It- It's not like that. I _did_ want to make you feel good, Ten. I love you."

"I _trusted_ you."

"Ten, please, we can work this out."

"Are you serious?!" Ten screamed. This was all getting too much for him. "As if I'd want to be with some _ladyboy_ that tricked me into being with them. The fact you- God. You're fucking disgusting."

"Ten, don't-" Jaehyun started, snapping out of his trance. This was overwhelming for him too but there was no need for Ten to go that far. "Don't say th- Sicheng!"

Jaehyun leapt off the bed with a start as Sicheng bolted out of the room. That crossed the line. He knew Ten was angry at him for lying so long, but- _Disgusting?_ He was allowed to think that about himself but...hearing someone else say it. Someone he loved, nonetheless. He wasn't going to stand around and listen to any more of this.

"Go." Taeyong whispered to Jaehyun, head nodding towards the door. He wasn't exactly Sicheng's biggest fan himself right now, he hated the idea of anyone lying to or hurting Ten, but he couldn't help but feel for the boy. He was sure the idea of coming out must have been terrifying, and he wished Sicheng had have come clean sooner, but he didn't like the idea of him being out there alone when he was so upset. And drunk. 

Jaehyun hesitated for a second. He probably shouldn't leave Ten, but...at least he had Taeyong. Sicheng had no one. 

"Sicheng!"

He sprinted down the stairs, hoping to catch him before he got to their front door. But it was wide open. 

"Sicheng?!" He called out again, as he ran outside, barefoot in nothing but his pyjamas. He couldn't have gotten far, surely. Their gates were still shut and there was no other way off of the property- Unless. 

"Fuck." 

Jaehyun ran through the garden, almost slipping on the wet grass. He really wished he had been better prepared, but there was no time to waste. 

Sicheng must have climbed over the gates or something. Jaehyun hoped to god he hadn't fell and hurt himself considering the state he was in. 

But he was nowhere to be seen by the time Jaehyun reached the gates. Man. Sicheng sure could move fast. 

"For fucks sake." Jaehyun muttered under his breath. What was he going to do now? He couldn't just leave Sicheng out there all alone while he was so upset, while he was drunk. He probably didn't know the area very well and what if someone- Well, he didn't exactly want to think about what could happen. 

He needed to find Sicheng. As soon as possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY  
> edit: i got a lotg of backlash for this chapter, which was to be expected, but please don't think i agree with ten's response to this situation. i am NOT transphobic, but a lot of people are and i didn't want to make this some totally unrealistic fairy tale, bc i refuse to believe thats how this specific scenario would pan out. i wanted to tackle some of the more...not so nice issues that transgender people may experience in their lives, because the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. so please keep that in mind when leaving comments or sending me anon hate on cc. i've written this story this way for a reason, and i'm not going to make every character perfect or try to portray this romanticised idea of what transgender people go though. i want this to deal with real world issues and be raw and a little painful at times - because thats life.  
> i have no problem with people being angry at this chapter, i'd be worried if you weren't, but please understand that one of the main focuses of this entire series if character development, so there's a reason why some of the characters might do shitty things, because real people do shitty things.  
> thank u for understanding x
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions and bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	13. hangover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here it is. The morning after the night before.  
> Please take into consideration when reading this chapter (and the rest of this series actually) that I'm trying to make this a realistic as possible. I'm trying to show the pain that transgender people go through, as well as the confusion that a lot of people have when it comes to trying to understand people who aren't cisgender. Not everyone gets it straight away or is instantly accepting, and that's what I'm trying to show. That's real life.  
> Just because I'm writing about transphobia and possibly using transphobic slurs in my work, doesn't mean that /I/ am transphobic. Some of my characters said something transphobic. Those are two very different things. So pls do not send me anonymous messages calling me transphobic!! I'm just trying to portray the fact that a lot of trans people have to deal with some rly awful shit. 
> 
> TW transphobia

"Sicheng?" Renjun leapt up from the sofa with a jolt. He'd been up all night worrying; waiting for his cousin to get home. Jaehyun had rang him at whatever ungodly hour, asking if Sicheng was there. He mentioned something about an argument he and Ten had which resulted in Sicheng taking off into the night. 

Renjun had called Sicheng over and over, only for it to go straight to voicemail every time. He was absolutely terrified of the idea of his cousin being out alone at that time of night. He couldn't sleep, thoughts of what may have happened swimming around his head. 

But it was okay. Sicheng was home. And oh boy, was he in for it after getting Renjun so stressed out. 

"Where the _fuck_ have you been? I was worried sick."

"Just out."

"Out? That's the only response you're going to give me? Out where? Why didn't you call?"

"Phone died."

Renjun scoffed as Sicheng walked past him, heading for the sofa so he could throw himself down on it. Was Sicheng being serious? It was 10 in the morning and he was only just getting home and _that_ was the only response he was giving his cousin? 

"And you didn't think to ring or text me off someone else's phone? You know my number off by heart, Sicheng. I've been going out of my mind." The younger chastised, perching himself on their coffee table directly in front of Sicheng, hoping to get the blonde to look at him. "What's going on? Jaehyun said there was an argument. What happened?"

"Jaehyun?" Sicheng whispered out, daring to look up at Renjun to see whether he was lying or not. Why would Jaehyun be contacting his cousin? Surely he didn't give a shit about what happened to Sicheng after what went down last night. 

"Yeah. He rang me. Said you took off and he couldn't find you anywhere. He wanted to know whether you'd made it home. So what happened?"

Sicheng's breath shuddered. 

"Nothing."

"Sicheng. _Tell me_."

Sicheng groaned. Why was Renjun so fucking annoying? His head hurt. Like, _really_ hurt. He just wanted to sleep. Or maybe drink himself even further into oblivion. 

"Me and Ten had an argument, what more do you need to know?"

"Well, considering you went missing for almost eight hours, I think you owe me and explanation. It must have been pretty bad if you just took off like that. Where did you even go?"

Sicheng shrugged. "Some bar. Then some guys house." At least _someone_ wanted to touch him. 

Renjun sighed, leaning back on the heels of his hands on the table. 

"You cheated on them? After making such a big deal about Ten sleeping with Jaehyun and Taeyong behind your back?"

"You can't cheat if you're single." Sicheng bit back. Why was Renjun asking so many questions anyway? Moreover, why was he even answering them? Why didn't he just take himself off to bed?

Maybe because he wanted someone to listen. A shoulder to cry on...

"What are you talking about?"

"He broke up with me, okay! Ten broke up with me."

Renjun's breath hitched. Oh. But he thought things were going great between the two of them, and Sicheng had this thing with Jaehyun now, too. Surely that was perfect in his cousin's eyes, right? Renjun may not fully understand it himself, but...

Unless- Had Sicheng told them...?

"W-Why? What did you argue about?"

"He found out- He- We were-" Sicheng laughed bitterly, tears stinging his eyes. Was he really going to give his baby cousin all of the gory details? "Things got...heated and he went to touch me and he- He found out."

"Oh." Renjun wasn't sure what else to say. He _knew_ Sicheng should have come clean sooner.He _knew_  that the blonde should have sat down with Ten and explained his situation before something like this happened. He honestly couldn't think of a worse way for everything to come out. "He didn't take it well?"

"What do you think?" Sicheng spat back. He didn't mean to be such a dick, but...God. He wasn't sure how else to channel his emotions right now in lieu of a complete breakdown. 

"What about Jaehyun? Does he know?" Renjun found it a little odd that Jaehyun would have rang to see if he was okay if he had broken up Sicheng too. 

"Yeah. He just kind of...sat there." Sicheng furrowed his eyebrows, remembering Jaehyun's complete lack of response. "At first he seemed, kind of accepting but then- Nothing."

"Maybe he was just in shock." Renjun tried to offer up. Finding out that way must be difficult for anyone to wrap their heads around at first. It must take some time to sink in. "You should plug your phone in. I'm sure he would have rang you."

"He did." Sicheng sighed, taking Renjun's advice anyway. It's not like he could just never turn his phone on again. Well, he could just get a new one with a new number, but... He didn't really have the money. "I ignored his calls until my phone died."

"Sicheng." Renjun sighed. He knew his cousin had a habit of avoiding people or situations he didn't feel comfortable in. Hell, that's how he'd gotten himself in this mess. "He sounded worried when he rang me. You should have answered."

"I was scared..." Sicheng rubbed at the stamp on the back of his hand. He couldn't even remember going to a club last night. "Like, what if he realised he felt the same way Ten did. I couldn't hear that twice in one night."

"Maybe...Maybe it's not that bad." Renjun leaned forwards, elbows resting on his knees so he could prop his head up with the palms of his hands. He had seen Sicheng's Instagram stories before he went awol. He knew he and Ten were out drinking and we're probably less than sober when this whole argument kicked off. "You should try talking to him again when you're sober. Really try to explain things."

Sicheng shook his head. There was no way that would help. Not after what Ten had said to him last night. 

"He hates me. He thinks I'm a liar and I used him and I'm disgusting and he doesn't want me anywhere near him." Sicheng shrugged, trying to act like he didn't care. He wasn't sure why. Renjun knew him well enough to know fine well that was bullshit. 

This was such a fucking mess. Why hadn't he just come clean earlier? Before he completely fell for Ten? He was _in love_ with him, for God's sake. He should have just bitten the bullet earlier and maybe he wouldn't have felt so bad. Wouldn't have felt the need to get completely shitfaced and let some guy fuck him from behind so he wouldn't have to look at his face. He couldn't remember much from last night, but he remembered being called a 'good girl' over and over. It knocked him sick but he let it happen because at least someone wanted to fuck him. At least someone wasn't completely repulsed by him like his supposed boyfriend. 

Renjun sighed. He hated seeing Sicheng like this. It wasn't the first time he had fallen for someone, only for that guy to realise Sicheng wasn't exactly what it said on the tin. He just really hoped this time would be different. 

But no. Ten had freaked out just as badly as everyone else in Sicheng's past by the sounds of it, he had called him-

Wait. Had Renjun heard that right?

"He said you were _disgusting?"_

Sicheng nodded softly. He had been called that in the past by god knows how many people. But hearing it come from Ten hurt. Really hurt. 

"I'm going to fucking kill him."

"Renjun, don-" Sicheng caught his cousin's wrist as Renjun leapt off the table. He didn't even know where Ten lived, but he wouldn't put it past him to find out. He didn't want to make a scene. Last night was bad enough as it was. 

"Don't what? He has no right saying those things to you."

"I mean I _did_ lie to him. For months."

"So? Then have a go at you for that, not for who you are. You aren't disgusting, Sicheng. It's not your fault."

Sicheng sighed, sinking back into the sofa. Honestly that did get to him. He had never expected Ten to just shrug the whole thing off as if it was nothing. He had never expected them to just get in with their lives without some sort of disagreement, but...he thought Ten loved him. 

"I don't really want to talk about it anymore. I just want to go to bed."

Renjun huffed. He knew it probably wasn't the best idea to go storming over there and giving Ten a piece of his mind. He would probably just end up making things worse. He wasn't the best at keeping his emotions in check, especially when Sicheng was involved. 

But he had to let his cousin fight his own battles. 

"Okay fine, go have a nap." Renjun helped Sicheng up off of the sofa, figuring he must have had a pretty rough night. He looked like shit. "I'll make you something nice to eat when you wake up."

"You're the best." Sicheng groaned, massaging his temples. Standing up made his head throb. God knows how much he had drank last night. 

He unplugged his phone, wanting to charge it in his room instead. He hated being away from it too long. 

He couldn't even bring himself to look in the mirror when he entered his bedroom. He felt kind of disgusting, actually. He should really shower. Wash the shame away. 

Barely fifteen minutes later he was flopped down on his bed, a towel draped over his head in a pathetic attempt to dry his hair. The shower had woken him up a little, but he knew he should really try and get some sleep. It might clear his head a little. 

But he had to check his phone first. 

If he was being perfectly honest, he didn't really want to. He was scared. He was scared of the messages that may await him. What if Ten had texted him to confirm things were over? What if Jaehyun thought the same as Ten did and was just too polite to say it to his face? What if...

No. 

He didn't want to get his hopes up. 

There was no way Ten would have changed his mind. No way he would have apologised. 

But...What if Jaehyun really had been ringing him to check if he was okay? But then again what if he had been ringing him to make sure he was out of their lives for good. 

God, he felt sick again. 

But he had to check. He'd never be able to sleep if he didn't. 

So, he took the leap and turned his phone on, eyes screwing shut as the screen turned white. He was scared to open them, heart racing at the thought of what he was getting himself into. 

Maybe he should have just stayed in the dark. He could just throw his phone away and get a new one. Then he'd never know. That seemed like a perfectly logical, adult solution. 

But it was too late now. His phone was vibrating in his hand and he was so addicted to the stupid little machine he couldn't help but stare at it. 

Wow. 

Renjun really wasn't lying. 

He watched on in awe as notification after notification popped up on his screen. Missed call from Jaehyun. Missed call from Jaehyun. Missed call from Jaehyun. 

He really...he really had been ringing non-stop. 

But why?

32 missed calls from Jaehyun. The last one was at 9:07 this morning. 

Had he...really been thinking of Sicheng this whole time? Was he actually worried? Did he still...care?

Sicheng's vision clouded as he thought about it. He probably shouldn't be, terrified of getting his hopes up, but the idea of Jaehyun... No. He pushed the thoughts out of his mind. He couldn't jump to conclusions. Couldn't assume that Jaehyun still cared for him, never mind wanted to be with him. Why would he for God's sake? 

Oh, wait. 

He even had a missed call from Taeyong. That was a surprise. 

He chewed on the inside of his lip as more notifications popped up. He wasn't sure he'd ever been this popular. Some were just reminders for dumb games he played when he had nothing better to do, but the majority seemed to be from Jaehyun. 

'Did you get home okay?'

'Sicheng, please answer.'

'I need to know if you're alright.'

The tears were streaming down his face now. Jaehyun really did seem to care about him. Maybe it was just on instinct because he was out in the middle of the night on his own, less than sober. Or maybe it was something more... Either way, it meant a lot to him. 

Nothing from Ten, though. He couldn't say he was surprised. 

His breath shuddered as random notifications continued to pop up on his phone, some taking longer than others due to how old it was. He was surprised it had even turned on despite barely being charged. 

He furrowed his eyebrows as he began to get more and more from Twitter. Months ago he wouldn't have been surprised; he was never off of social media. But he had an actual social life now. He didn't have to bury himself in the internet. 

But he hadn't been on Twitter than much lately. He didn't really have the time to tweet constantly between dating two guys. 

'Omg tell us more!!'

'Proof?'

'This is such bullshit'

'Ew he's a cheat?'

'He's dating a stripper when he could be dating me instead??'

_What the fuck._

Had he- Had he tweeted something last night? 

Sicheng swallowed, opening the app up. Dating a stripper? Had he tweeted something about Ten and Jaehyun? Oh god. 

74 notifications and 11 direct messages. Fuck. He wasn't sure he'd ever had hay many. Certainly not at once. Just what had he posted? 

His heart began to race as he scrolled through them. 7 people have retweeted your tweet. 26 have liked your tweet. 19 people have retweeted your tweet. 

Fuck. 

'哦册 finally佛教没事呕吐阿巴特卡鹅湖un局办公室livelife暗示和哦啊 in啊 rwlaroonsho 我如何thrdifferent 故意说' 

Okay, so that made absolutely no sense. He was clearly trying to type in English using a pinyin keyboard...

But there were more. 

'I'be finalrn found out abt Jaehyun Jungs love life ans he is in a relatjonship with th ree diferbt guys'

'One of fhemjs a stripper lol'

'One is a known makeup aretiet'

'One is a hugh sfhool teachwr'

'he's fuckind tthwm all'

'He's ale5ays looking for mora. Jaegtub is basjxally a massuve slut'

'You hearenit here fjrstNnb!!!'

Fuck. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

The tweets weren't exactly in perfect English, considering the state he must have been in, but they were legible. Clearly. People knew what they said and they were spreading them around and asking him more questions. 

He couldn't even remember going on Twitter last night, but...that's what he did. When someone treated him the way Ten had, he got revenge, and what better way to ruin someone's life than to reveal their biggest secret? 

But this was more Jaehyun's secret. More Jaehyun's life he would be ruining. Ten wouldn't be ridiculed as much for having more than one boyfriend. He wasn't famous and Sicheng genuinely doubted he cared what other people thought of him. 

But Jaehyun...this could ruin his career. He'd be followed around by paparazzi. People would want to delve into his private life, ask invasive questions and stalk all of their online media and maybe even break into their home and-

He had to delete the tweets. 

He knew they'd probably already been screenshotted but it was the least he could to do prevent them being spread any further, even if most people didn't seem to believe his drunken ramblings it may still have sparked a discussion, further investigation. 

In fact, he was going to delete his entire account. If these tweets did ever resurface he didn't want them to be tied back to him. Oh god. He felt sick. Why the fuck would he do that to Jaehyun? Last night he assumed the model didn't care about him, didn't want anything to do with him, just like Ten, but...

He _did_ care. At least enough to check if he was okay. That was way more than Sicheng was used to, anyway. 

And now he may have ruined his life. Fantastic. 

Sicheng let out a breath as he deleted the entire app, feeling a little cleansed of the situation. God, he really hoped that would be the end of it. It's not like he gave any solid proof... Hopefully people would just think he was drunk and talking shit. Hopefully they'd drop it. 

He let himself settle down, sleep beginning to take over. God, he was fucking shattered, and if he didn't close his eyes soon he genuinely thought they were going to roll out of his skull. His head was absolutely banging. 

He didn't care that his hair was wet, that he still felt sick and that the shroud or guilt wouldn't quite pass. There was nothing he could do about it now, anyway. Especially not in this state. He just needed to sleep. To wake up somewhat refreshed and hopefully begin to get on with his life. 

He was just about to drift off when his phone vibrated, opening on instinct because he never could resist the pull of the tiny electronic device. 

He reached over to check the notification; almost dropping his phone was he read it.

Ten: I really hope you got home okay

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"What the fuck?" Ten curled his pillow around his head as music blasted throughout his room. Who the fuck was being so loud at this time if the morning? Didn't they know he was hungover?

He cracked an eye open, trying to come to terms with his surroundings. Was he...in Taeyong's room? 

"Wake up." 

He almost jumped out of his skin as said boyfriend popped up in front of him, only centimetres from his face. Seriously? He knew Taeyong didn't drink himself, but surely he could be a little more sympathetic towards Ten's throbbing headache and onset nausea. 

"Taeyong, what the fuck?" Ten whined, hugging the pillow tighter around his head. "Can you turn that off, please?"

Taeyong paused the music. Thank god. Just what was he playing at? Ten was in _pain_  here. Sure, it was self-inflicted, but still, his boyfriend should be bringing him water and paracetamol and babying him. Not this. 

"What time is it?"

"8:30."

Ten groaned. _Seriously?_  It was Saturday morning. He didn't have school or work today. 

Fuck this. He was going back to sleep. 

"What's going on in here?" Jungwoo asked as he pushed through Taeyong's door, hair all mussed up on one side. He had heard the music from his room downstairs. "Why are you being so loud?"

"Ten needs to wake up."

The dancer scoffed. As if. He rolled over; deciding to ignore Taeyong because was he fuck waking up this early. He needed to sleep this off a little more. 

"No chance." Taeyong flipped him back over, making Ten's stomach churn. He really should not be making such sudden movements in his state. 

"Tae! I'm sensitive!" Ten whined again. Why was Taeyong being so mean to him? 

"We need to talk."

"About what?" Taeyong sounded so...serious. Had he done something last night? Something bad?

"Sicheng."

That's when it all came flooding back. Sicheng. 

The two of them had been out last night, having the time of their lives. Drinking and dancing, clinging to one another like their lives depended on it. They were making out in the back of that taxi. Ten lifted his fingers, still able to feel Sicheng's lips on his. Where was Sicheng anyway? He kind of wanted a kiss now he thought about it. And Sicheng had...he had told Ten that he loved him. Didn't he? He hadn't just imagined that, right? Ten's stomach fluttered, and this time it wasn't because of the amount of alcohol he had consumed last night. Sicheng was in love with him. With _him._ Not his body, not his-

But then...something else happened. He remembered shouting and crying and... Lying. Sicheng had been lying to him about something. All this time. He couldn't quite remember what but- Did they have sex? He was on top of Sicheng at some point. He remembered the younger moaning and he looked so pretty and Ten was touching him and he-

He was- He had a-

This time when his stomach churned it wasn't because of the alcohol, but that sure didn't help. This wave of nausea was coming from somewhere else. 

Sicheng was...a girl? Is that what he has found out last night? Is that why his head hurt more than it usually did after a night of drinking? Because he had been crying so hard over his supposed boyfriend turning out to be someone, something completely different? 

"What happened with Sicheng?" Jungwoo questioned, padding towards the bed. He had this weird dream last night where everyone was shouting but...he didn't know what it was about. He swore he heard Ten and Sicheng's voices, though. Maybe it wasn't a dream. He had passed out after taking his sleeping pills; maybe his subconscious had heard something. 

"Nothing."

"Ten, we need to talk about this. You can't just pretend this didn't happen."

"I can. I never have to see him...her again. So I can."

"Her?" Okay, now Jungwoo was really confused. "Can you just tell me what happened?"

"Him, Ten. He's a boy." 

"How would you know? You didn't have your hands down her pants."

Taeyong sighed, turning to Jungwoo, arms folded across his chest. He knew this wouldn't be an easy conversation to have, and maybe the makeup artist would be able to help him out. Not only was Ten incredibly stubborn, but he was also clearly confused. Taeyong wasn't sure Ten had ever come across the word transgender before, wasn't sure he knew what it meant. Who Sicheng was. 

"Sicheng is transgender."

"He's what?" Jungwoo's eyebrows shot up under his mussed up fringe. Did he just hear that right? "He's a _tranny?"_

"Okay, let's _not_ use that word." Taeyong held his hands up defensively. Ten was already confused; he didn't need offensive words to be added to his vocabulary. 

"Sorry, Mr Lee." Jungwoo scoffed, kneeling down on the floor beside Taeyong's bed so he could stroke his fingers through Ten's hair. He hated when Taeyong used his teacher voice. "How long have you known?"

"I...found out last night."

"But you've been together for _months."_

"I know." Ten sniffled, fingers curling into the duvet. _Months._ Sicheng had kept this from him for over four months. Thats how long they'd been dating. "We- We were about to sleep together for the first time and he wasn't- He didn't have-"

Jungwoo's eyes widened as he pieced together the missing parts of that Ten was telling him, of what he couldn't bring himself to say. 

"That's how you found out? While you were about to-"

Ten nodded. He didn't want Jungwoo to say it. Didn't want to think about how he'd almost given that part of himself to Sicheng. Someone it turned out he didn't even know. 

Jungwoo turned back to Taeyong, looking up at the elder for some kind of guidance. What the fuck? Literally. What the fuck? Who did that? Who lied to someone for that long about who they were? Who let someone find out they were transgender like _that?_ Poor Ten. He knew how bad his best friends trust issues were, and he also knew how hard he had fallen for Sicheng. This must be killing him. 

"Taeyong, what the fuck?" Jungwoo hissed out, not quite sure what to say. He wished he hadn't taken his insomnia medication last night. He wished he had have been there for Ten. Knowing the dancer he probably had a full on panic attack. God, he really hated the idea of anyone hurting him again. 

"I know, I'm pissed off too, okay." He paced back and forth a little, replying last night's events in his head. Ten was so shaken he could barely breathe. He hated seeing him like that. "He's totally broken Ten's trust and- He knew _everything_ he's been through and- I'm so fucking mad at him."

"I can't believe he would do this. He seemed so nice and genuine."

"Maybe he was just, like...scared to come out."

Jungwoo raised an eyebrow. Scared? Really? He wasn't quite sure being _scared_ warranted this. Lying to someone for months. Making them fall for you. Letting them open up, and then trying to sleep with them, all the while knowing _that_ would be the way your boyfriend would find out that you weren't exactly who you said you were. 

"Scared? He decided to come out during foreplay, Yong. Who does that to someone?"

That was something Taeyong couldn't understand either. Why on earth would Sicheng let Ten touch him there, knowing fine well _that's_ how he would find out that he's transgender. That was just...really fucking messed up. 

"I don't know, I just-" Taeyong sighed. "I don't know."

He had no idea what to make of this situation and he didn't like that. He didn't like not being in control or able to help. He didn't like not having all the answers. 

"I'm sorry this happened to you, sweetie." Jungwoo brushed his thumb against Ten's cheek, in a vain attempt to get him to smile. He had always been a little protective of Ten. The dancer may be older than him, but Jungwoo had seen him go through so much he couldn't help but want to shield him from the world. "But you still have us, and we're going to help you get through this."

Ten smiled weakly as Taeyong hummed in agreement. He was _never_ going to try to open up to someone again. He should never even have bothered. He had everything he needed right here. Two boyfriends that loved him more than anything and a best friend he could always rely on, no matter what. He had just gotten greedy with Sicheng, and his greed had come back to bite him in the ass. 

"I know it's going to be hard, but you need to forget about him...or her. Or whatever it is-"

"Jungwoo." Taeyong warned. He knew the younger was trying to be supportive, but he wasn't sure this was helping. 

"What? Why does it matter what I call it? It's not here and it fucked over my best friend."

"Because he's still a person, Jungwoo. Just because you're pissed off at him doesn't mean you can misgender him and treat him like he's not human."

Jungwoo rolled his eyes. Jesus, calm the fuck down. 

"He treated Ten like shit so I'll 'misgender' him all I want." Jungwoo added a pair of air quotes to accompany the word. He didn't really see the big deal. It's not like Sicheng was here to get offended or whatever. Even if he was, Jungwoo wouldn't really care. He kind of deserved it. 

"Look, you're not helping, I need to talk to Ten about last night, so can you maybe leave?"

"No." Jungwoo shot Taeyong a look before stroking a few stray strands of hair out of Ten's eyes. Who did Taeyong think he was? "I want to be here for him."

"You can later, there's stuff I need to explain to him, and you're just going to make things worse."

"Worse? Ten needs all the support he can get right now, how the fuck would I be making things w-"

"Can you two please stop arguing?" Ten pushed the heels of his palms into his ears. He didn't like shouting to start with, and he'd had more than enough of that last night. "My heads killing."

"Jungwoo, please." Taeyong needed to talk to Ten one-on-one. He needed to make sure the dancer knew exactly what happened last night and understand the gravity of the situation. He couldn't do that if Jungwoo was here babying him. 

Jungwoo sighed as he looked down at Ten. He looked so...scared. His eyes were glassy and he looked like he was about to burst out into tears so he really didn't want to leave him, but...Taeyong was good at this. He was good at helping people talk things through. And he was actually there last night. Maybe it would be best for Taeyong to deal with his on his own. 

"Okay, fine." Jungwoo stood up after pressing one last kiss to Ten's forehead. "I'll come back and see you later, okay hun?"

Ten nodded against the pillow, a little scared that Jungwoo was leaving because he had a feeling that Taeyong was pissed off at him. He wasn't really in the mood for a lecture. 

"Why do I feel like you're going to defend him?" Ten asked, voice small as Jungwoo clicked the door shut behind him. 

"I'm not." Taeyong raked his fingers through his hair. "I'm really not. I'm _livid._ Like, I'm so fucking annoyed at him for what he's done to you. There literally isn't a worse way he could have dropped this bombshell and I hate seeing you like this, but..." 

Taeyong _was_ pissed off that Sicheng had been lying to them all for so long. He was pissed off that he gained Ten's trust, that he had been hiding something from him when he knew fine well Ten had opened up to Sicheng about his past. About the abuse. He was pissed off that he had to rock his boyfriend to sleep while he cried in his arms. There was nothing he hated more than seeing Ten cry. 

But he was the rational one. The problem solver. The one that forced them all to talk it out because he knew fine well that avoiding your problems only made things worse. 

So he tried to think of things from Sicheng's point of view once Ten had passed out on him. How scared he must have been. How difficult it must be to open up about something so personal, something that people would judge him so harshly for. Something that wasn't even his fault. He couldn't even imagine how hard it must be waking up in the wrong body every day, feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin. 

As a high school teacher he had come across transgender kids before. He'd seen first-hand how much they struggled with people not understanding, with people thinking they were weird or unnatural or whatever. How harshly they were bullied for being different. How depressed and anxious they could get. What they did to try and cope with all of the conflicting, confusing thoughts swimming around their heads. Underage drinking, drugs, self-harm, even suicide attempts. It broke his heart. 

He didn't like the thought of Sicheng going through any of that. It didn't mean that he was going to completely gloss over the lies and the betrayal, but he couldn't help but feel for the other boy. 

He wasn't going to try to convince Ten to take Sicheng back, that had to be the dancers own decision; whether he could look past the lies. But he did want Ten to apologise and at least try to talk things through. He knew Ten was drunk and upset last night, but what he had said to Sicheng was bang out of order. 

"I just-" Taeyong sighed, he really hoped Ten wouldn't hate him for this. "I need you to understand the gravity of what you said. Do you know what transgender means?"

Ten shrugged. He didn't. He felt like maybe he'd heard the word at some point, but he didn't really understand it. 

"It's like...cross dressing or something, right? He's been pretending to be a boy this whole time and I don't understand why. What did he want from me?"

Ten could understand if Sicheng had lied to him purely to get him in bed, because that's what people did. They used him. But Sicheng had been just as hesitant as Ten was when it came to sex. So why did he go out of his way to fool him? 

"Not really."

Taeyong settled himself down on his bed, taking Ten's hands in his own. 

"Sicheng is a boy, Ten. That's who he is, it's how he feels. He was just born in the wrong body."

"That doesn't even make sense." How could someone be born in the wrong body? 

"He was just...born with the wrong parts." Taeyong was trying to simplify this as much as possible for his boyfriend, he'd never actually had to explain how being transgender worked to anyone before. "It's called gender dysphoria. He was born, and possibly raised as a girl, but that doesn't match how he feels inside, you know? Sicheng feels like he's a boy, he just doesn't have-"

"A dick?"

"Yeah."

Ten's eyebrows furrowed. He still didn't get it. If Sicheng didn't have a dick then how could he possibly be a boy? 

"So, how- I don't-"

"Just try to think of things from his point of view." Taeyong shuffled a little closer to Ten, putting his arm around the younger. "You know fine well you're a boy, right?"

"Well, yeah."

"Imagine having to wake up every day feeling...wrong. Like, your body was wrong and you had to look at yourself in the mirror every day and you couldn't stand what you saw?"

Ten nodded. He did know what that felt like. There was a stage in his life where he couldn't even bring himself to look at his own reflection. 

"He probably feels uncomfortable in his own skin every day."

"So then, why doesn't he just keep being a girl instead of all this lying?"

"It's not that easy, muffin. That's not who he is, it's not a choice." Taeyong could tell this must all be a lot for Ten to take in, pulling the younger closer into his side. "It's just like how we didn't choose to be gay. It's just who we are."

Ten hummed. He had always thought that maybe he was only gay because of his circumstances. That he ended up this way because...well, he didn't really have much of a choice at one point. But if that was true, surely now that he had free reign of his own life he would have ended up with a girl or something. But that wasn't who he was. Wasn't what he was interested in. Maybe his sexuality really wasn't a choice. 

And maybe Sicheng's gender really wasn't his choice either. 

Ten groaned, resting his head on Taeyong's shoulder. This was all so confusing. 

"So...what did I actually say to him last night?"

"You called him a freak. Said he was disgusting. You understand why that was a step too far, right?"

"Yeah, I guess." Ten sighed. He was just so...angry. So confused. He still was both of those things but...he wasn't that person anymore. He didn't want to pick at someone's biggest weakness just to make them feel bad about themselves. He had grown up. 

"Are you gonna apologise to him?"

"I don't want to see him again."

"I'm not saying that you have to get back together with him, baby. I just really think you should say sorry."

"I'll think about it." Ten snuggled further into Taeyong's hold. He knew that he should probably apologise, he just- He was still so mad. 

He didn't really want to think about this anymore right now. His head was still killing and he felt a little sick. He just needed a cuddle. 

Speaking of which, where was Jaehyun? He always gave the best cuddles. He was in a relationship with Sicheng too... How did he feel about all of this?

"Where's Jae?"

"Asleep. He was up all night looking for Sicheng. I had to force him to go to bed."

"Looking for him? Why?"

"He took off after your argument. Jaehyun tried to follow him, but...he never found him."

Ten sat up, eyes swimming with worry. He didn't want to feel anything for Sicheng anymore, but...it was harder than he thought it would be to just switch it off. 

"Wh-What do you mean he never found him? Where is he? Is he okay?"

"I dunno, baby. His phone was dead, even I tried ringing him but-"

"But he was drunk. And upset. You don't think he's...done something, do you? He's gonna be okay, yeah?"

"Why don't _you_  try ringing him? You clearly still care about hi-"

"I can't. I can't speak to him." Ten shook his head. He couldn't cope with hearing Sicheng's voice right now. He wanted to know if he was okay, but...

"At least send him a message"

Ten whined. He really wanted - no, needed to know how Sicheng was. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he had been the one to cause him to harm himself. Or worse. He didn't- He wasn't thinking last night. He should never have said such harmful things, but... He was just so confused and angry and the whole situation brought back so many awful memories that he just exploded. He lashed out and said things he wasn't even sure he meant. He still didn't really understand this whole transgender thing, but if it really wasn't a choice like Taeyong said, then that didn't make Sicheng disgusting. Or a freak. This wasn't his fault, right? He had just been so taken aback; the last thing he had expected to be in Sicheng's pants was a vagina. Of course he freaked out. 

He was still mad. He was still angry and confused and felt betrayed. But he had to know if Sicheng was okay. He didn't want to, but he still kind of cared. Sicheng was someone who had been a massive part of his life these past few months, after all. 

So he typed out a quick message, not really sure what to write so he kept it as generalised as possible, not pouring too much emotion into it. Not giving Sicheng any false hope that they could still be together. 

He pressed his home button, not wanting to dwell on the message, revealing a picture of him, Taeyong and Jaehyun. One of his favourites that they took last Christmas. They were so cute. 

"Is Jaehyun pissed off at me?"

"I dunno." Taeyong answered honestly. They hadn't really talked about last night that much yet. He was waiting for their boyfriend to get some rest and hopefully wake up a little refreshed. "I think he was too busy worrying to really think about it."

Ten groaned. He wasn't sure Jaehyun had ever really been angry at him. He was a little scared. 

"But you two are going to have to talk too. You aren't the only one in a relationship with Sicheng."

Ten slid down the bed so he could snuggle further into the pillows. This was such a mess. Why couldn't he just _once_ get into a normal relationship where everything went perfectly and they fell in love and that was it? Just pure happiness. No drama. 

But drama tended to follow him. 

Why didn't Sicheng just tell him? Why did he feel the need to lie? Ten still felt a little sick at the idea they nearly slept together. The idea that he almost gave himself away to someone it turned out he didn't even know. 

Though, he also couldn't help but feel a little bad. The old Ten didn't even understand the concept of empathy, of his words and actions having consequences. But... He was _in love_ with Sicheng for God's sake. He couldn't just turn that off, no matter how badly he wanted to just shut everything about and cut Sicheng out of his life. He had emotions now. And he had to deal with them. 

"He still hasn't replied."

"Give him time." Taeyong carded his fingers through Ten's hair. He knew his boyfriend was worried, terrified that something awful might have happened, even if he was trying his hardest to hide it. "I'm sure he will. He's gonna be fine."

Ten didn't respond, because he _was_ worried. He didn't really like the fact he still has feelings for someone who had fucked him over. 

"Can I go back to sleep now?"

"Sure." Taeyong pressed a soft kiss to his boyfriends head. That was probably for the best, actually. He and Jaehyun both needed to get some sleep before they talked things through. "I'll come wake you up later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions and bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	14. regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is! Chapter 14! Sorry it took longer than usual, I just wanted to make sure everything was clear and is coming across properly if that makes any sense?? This is a v heavy subject and I don't just want to skirt around it

"I fucked up."

Taeyong continued spreading cream cheese on his bagel as he heard Jungwoo's voice from the kitchen door. He had planned on giving him the silent treatment, but...that probably wasn't going to help matters. He was going to have to be the sensible one, as per usual. 

"You did. Massively."

Jungwoo sighed, taking a seat at their coffee table, hoping Taeyong would sit down next to him so they could talk properly. "I'm sorry."

"It's not really me you should be apologising to."

"Well, Sicheng isn't here, and he didn't hear what I said so...sorry for being a dick in general."

Taeyong turned, leaning up against the kitchen bench as he took a bite of his breakfast. Jungwoo looked a little scared, to be honest. It wasn't often he found himself in this position. 

"I want you to apologise to Ten too when he wakes up. I don't want him thinking what you said was okay."

"I will, I promise."

"You're literally the last person I would expect to say something like that. I always thought you were pretty open minded, especially considering what _you_ went through coming out."

Jungwoo swallowed thickly. Honestly, he had been thinking the exact same thing. He had been outed by someone else to his parents and, well...it wasn't pretty. He never got to come out on his own terms. He had this massive secret revealed that drastically changed the course of his life and it had led him to some seriously dark places. What if Sicheng was going through something similar and here was Jungwoo treating him like he was some kind of animal. 

"I know- I know, okay? I shouldn't have said what I did. I've never said anything like that before I just- I dunno, like, I can't wrap my head around why Sicheng would do this. Why he would go that far with Ten when he knew fine well he hadn't even come out yet. It just pissed me off considering everything he's been through and he's told Sicheng that and... I said something really awful that I wish I hadn't. I know he's a boy. I know how being transgender works. I just-" Jungwoo sighed again. It wasn't often he had to apologise for saying something so harmful; he was usually so considerate of everyone's feelings. But...he really messed up this morning. "I'm an asshole. I'm just glad Sicheng wasn't around to hear it because it would have killed him."

Taeyong hummed, that was one saving grace at least, that Sicheng hadn't heard Jungwoo refer to him as 'it'. He wouldn't even be able to express how livid he would have been with his boyfriend had that happened. No one deserves to be referred to in that way. No one. 

"I don't want to hear you using the t-word again, either."

Jungwoo's eyebrows furrowed. T-word? What was Taeyong talking about? Oh... "Tranny?"

"Yeah that, it's really degrading."

"But people say it all the time."

"They say faggot too, doesn't make it okay, Jungwoo."

Jungwoo winced a little. He really hated that word. He had never even thought about the t-word being similar, but...people did use it to refer to pretty much anyone that dressed in clothing different to their biological sex. Drag queens, men on stag dos that thought wearing a dress was hilarious. It was definitely degrading to lump anyone with actual gender dysphoria in the same category. That implied that they were just playing dress up, that their identity wasn't valid. 

"You're right. You're totally right." Jungwoo felt like he couldn't stop sighing. "I won't use that word again either."

Taeyong smiled softly. If only educating Ten was this easy, at least Jungwoo actually listened. 

"I just can't figure out why he'd do that, you know? Why he thought coming out like that was a good idea."

"That's what I've been trying to figure out too." Taeyong sat down opposite Jungwoo. He had only seen the aftermath, he and Jaehyun had run upstairs when they heard shouting. They had found Ten on the verge of a panic attack and Taeyong had assumed Sicheng must have tried to take advantage of him. But he was wrong. So how could he assume that Sicheng did all of this on purpose? It didn't make sense. "I don't actually know what happened between them. I think Ten must have gone to touch him and he didn't h- That's when he found out, but..."

"It doesn't make sense?" Jungwoo had been trying to get his head around what he had just found out too. Surely there had to be more to it, right?

"Yeah... I know I was really pissed off, and I still am because I _hate_ seeing Ten have a break down like he did last night, but I don't want to jump to conclusions without hearing Sicheng's side of things. I don't think Ten even remembers properly."

"They were both drunk?"

Taeyong nodded, finishing off his bagel. That's why he thought there must be more to this. People did stupid shit while they were drunk; it was exactly why he didn't go near the stuff. He had been the one doing said stupid shit way too many times in the past. 

"It must have been an accident, right? Like, no one in their right mind would come out to their boyfriend like that, would they?"

Jungwoo shrugged. This whole thing confused him. He honestly didn't know enough about the situation to make any assumptions. He had already made an arse of himself. 

"I don't really know what to think. I never had Sicheng down as malicious."

"Me either. I'm just trying to understand how this all happened but..."

"Maybe _we_ should talk to him."

Taeyong's eyebrows rose under blonde hair. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Why not? You said we should hear his side of the story."

"I think that's something Ten and Jaehyun have to do for themselves, though, baby."

Jungwoo pouted. He wanted to help make this right somehow. He felt like he needed to make up for what he said earlier. But maybe Taeyong was right; the two of them couldn't just go barging in there demanding answers. 

"How does Jaehyun feel about all of this?"

"I'm not sure." Taeyong shrugged, he hadn't seen their other boyfriend all morning bar peeking in his room to check he was asleep. "He kind of froze last night; I think he was in shock. But I told him to go after Sicheng cause I didn't want him being out there alone and he did. He didn't get back until this morning."

"So he clearly still cares about him?"

"Of course he does, it's Jaehyun. He cares about everyone. But I think he's taken this a lot better than Ten has. He probably understands more about transgender people."

"And he didn't have to find out in the way Ten did?"

Taeyong nodded. Sicheng had outright told him and Jaehyun that he was transgender. Not that he had much choice, but it must have been a hell of a lot easier than how Ten found out.

He wondered how differently things would have worked out if Ten had found out in another way. He was sure his boyfriend would have been taken aback and confused regardless. That he probably would have been kicked off a bit that Sicheng had hidden something so massive from him. But it would have been nowhere near as explosive as last night. That if alcohol and sex weren't involved things would have turned out differently. Taeyong was sure of that.

"How can we help make this right?"

"I'm honestly not sure, sweetie. I don't even know what _is_ right for everyone. I know we need to educate Ten more, to get him to fully understand why what he said was so harmful but..."

"You don't know if it's a good idea they try and make things work?"

Taeyong didn't know what to think anymore. He hated anything like this - lack of communication. He had been watching Jungwoo and Doyoung skirt around each other for years, never fully opening up. He had watched their friendship fall apart because they had both been keeping things from one another. He wasn't sure he had the energy to watch another one of his boyfriends go through something like that. Never mind two of them. This was just all such a mess and he was worried about just how much it was going to affect all of them. 

"Jae?" Taeyong was pulled from his thoughts as Jungwoo called their boyfriends name, having heard someone jog down the stairs. "Hey...how are you?"

"Tired." Jaehyun grumbled, grabbing a cereal bar from the cupboard, ripping the packet open with his teeth. He was fully dressed, denim jacket and everything. He just needed to put his shoes on and he was ready to go. But go where?

"Are you going out?" 

"I need to make sure Sicheng is okay."

"Wh- now? Jae, don't you think we should talk. Like...all of us?"

"He's still asleep, what's the point? I'm going out."

"But-" Taeyong wanted to get this over and done with. He wanted everything out in the open as quickly as possible. He _needed_ Jaehyun and Ten to talk this out before they made a decision concerning their future with Sicheng. "He's going to freak out if you're over there when he wakes up."

Jaehyun merely shrugged. "Then let him. I need to check my boyfriend is okay."

"What about your other boyfriend upstairs, huh? He's fucking traumatised, Jaehyun. You know how much he needs you."

"And you don't think Sicheng is traumatised too? Really Taeyong?" Jaehyun knew Ten needed him. He knew that he was always the one the dancer came to when something happened, and he _was_ going to be there for him. He hated the idea of leaving Ten after the panic attack he had last night, but Ten had Taeyong and Jungwoo here with him. He had two people that loved him more than anything in the world. 

Sicheng didn't have anyone other than his cousin in the whole country. 

"I just need to see him."

"I'll drive you." Jungwoo piped up. He knew how stubborn Jaehyun could be and he didn't want this evolving into yet another argument. He shot Taeyong a look, telling him to drop it. Ten wouldn't be up for a few hours anyway. "You've barely slept; I don't want you causing an accident."

Taeyong slumped in his chair, admitting defeat. He didn't want to argue either, he just didn't know what was the right thing to do here and he didn't like not feeling in control. He knew Jaehyun and Ten would have to speak to Sicheng at some point, to apologise and try to work things out. He just thought maybe it was best they do that together. 

He raked his hands through his hair. He had always been scared something like this happening. Of letting someone else into their relationship and everything falling apart. Maybe he was being dramatic, but he loved these three boys so much he couldn't bear the thought of letting any of them go. Of them being torn apart. 

Taeyong knew that Sicheng was hurting, that transphobia wasn't okay under any circumstance, but...Sicheng wasn't his priority. He did care about the boy, he didn't want anyone to feel ostracised or like they weren't good enough. But he had to focus on his boyfriends. _His family._

He had to keep them all together. No matter what. 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Jaehyun's heart was beating against his rib cage as he pressed the intercom to Sicheng's apartment. Renjun had texted him as soon as Sicheng had gotten home, letting him know that he was back, but it wasn't enough. He had to see that Sicheng was okay with his own two eyes. 

 _"Who is it?"_ Renjun's voice was tinny thanks to the worn speaker. 

"Jaehyun. Can I come in?"

He squeezed Jungwoo's hand as he waited for a reply. What if Sicheng didn't want to see him? What if he thought Jaehyun agreed with the things Ten had said because he didn't really try to defend him? He just...froze. Just sat there while Ten screamed at him. 

_"Wait there a minute."_

The front door to the apartment complex opened before Renjun stepped out into the street, shutting it behind him. 

"What's up?"

"I...I just needed to know whether Sicheng was okay."

"Of course he fucking isn't." Renjun spat back, arms folded across his chest. Was Jaehyun for real? Oh yeah, Sicheng was upstairs having the time of his life, floating on cloud nine after being called disgusting by the guy he was in love with because of who he was. Everything was fucking amazing for him right now. 

"I-" Jaehyun was a little taken aback by Renjun's abruptness, the two of them had only met briefly in the past. "Can I see him?"

"No. He's asleep, but even if he wasn't, no. You can't."

"I just need to explain things. I need to apologise for freezing up and not trying to stop Ten from saying what he did. I just- I was in shock. There was all this shouting and I went upstairs and Ten was crying and then...Sicheng came out and I- I just wasn't expecting it. But I should have stuck up for him, I know that"

Renjun sighed. He knew this was a fucked up situation. He knew Sicheng should never have allowed this to happen. Hell, he didn't even fully understand _how_ it could have happened. He could only assume that Sicheng got caught up in the moment and just...forgot. Renjun wasn't sure how that was possible, but then again he could never fully understand what went through Sicheng's mind. He wasn't in the same boat as his cousin was. 

He just hoped to god it wasn't something worse...that Ten hadn't taken advantage of him.

"I told him so many times he should come out to you guys. That he should just sit down and talk it through, but... He was just so scared of how you'd react. He was scared of losing you both."

That broke Jaehyun's heart. 

 _"Please_ let me see him, Renjun. I need to make this right."

Renjun shook his head. It was too soon. Sicheng was tired and emotional and probably still drunk. He was still blaming himself for all of this. Renjun needed to talk to him properly, needed to make him see that while he should have probably just came out sooner to avoid all of this drama, that he technically _didn't_ lie. He'd been thinking it over and...he didn't. Sicheng told him he was a boy and _he was._

"Not yet, okay? I need to talk to him first. I need to make sure he's okay and fully understands what happened last night. I need to make sure he knows he's not a liar."

Jungwoo cocked his head to the side. Wait. What?

"But...he literally lied to us about who he is."

"He told you he's a boy. And he _is_ a boy."

"I know, I get that, but...he should have said _something_ before they got into bed together."

"No, I agree. He should have. I don't know what he was thinking doing that - which is why I need to talk to him once he's sobered up. But I don't want him thinking that he was lying about who he was, because he is and always will be a boy. Yes, he's transgender, but he's still _a boy._ Do you get what I'm saying?" Jungwoo nodded softly. He thought he did... "I'm just scared this whole thing is going to make him question his validity. I'm scared he's going to go back to thinking he's not a 'real _'_ boy."

Oh. _Oh._ Jungwoo _did_ get it now. As far as he was aware Sicheng hadn't _lied_ about who he was. He just chose not to reveal certain things. Jungwoo understood that all too well.

Jaehyun sighed, Renjun had a point; maybe he should wait a little before seeing Sicheng face to face. He definitely needed to be sober and in the right frame of mind when they finally spoke. Maybe he should get some more rest too, he could barely think straight as it was.

"Okay...I see what you're saying. But...can you tell him I said sorry? That I wish I had have handled the situation better and that maybe I could have calmed Ten down enough to stop him saying what he did? Instead of just sitting there like a fucking idiot? Until I can tell him myself?"

This time Renjun nodded. He truly believed Jaehyun was remorseful. That he genuinely just froze considering how worried he sounded on the phone last night. It must have been a pretty intense situation, being stuck in between two of your boyfriends. 

"I will, just give me some time to talk things through with him, yeah?" Renjun didn't want Sicheng to fall into that self-pitying spiral like he usually did. He didn't want his cousin running back to someone who had hurt him because he thought it was the best he could do without any real atonement. "I'll text you when he's ready."

Jaehyun's heart sunk as Renjun went back inside, locking the door behind him. Sicheng was up there and he couldn't even go and say sorry. Couldn't talk things through. Couldn't make him see how much he cared about him. Couldn't try and work things out. Couldn't hold him close and attempt to kiss away the pain. 

"Come on, babe, let's go home." Jungwoo tugged at Jaehyun's hand, leading him back to the car. He knew his boyfriend would just stare up at Sicheng's apartment window forlornly if he didn't drag him away. They all needed to talk things out too. As a family. 

"I should have done something." Jaehyun sighed as he sat down in the passenger seat, hitting the back of his head off of the head rest. He was _so_ annoyed with himself. "Maybe I could have helped explain to Ten what Sicheng was going through or- I could have stopped him from exploding. Or I could have gotten Sicheng to stay. What if something happened to him last night and Renjun just isn't telling me? What if he-"

"Jae." Jungwoo placed a calming hand on Jaehyun's thigh. The elder had a tendency to get wrapped up in his own thoughts. "It's done now. There's nothing you can do to change what happened."

"But-" Jaehyun turned his head so he was facing Jungwoo. "He must be hurting so much. You didn't hear how Ten was, Woo. He called him a freak and a ladyboy." Jungwoo cast his eyes down for a second, it was just this morning when he had said something as equally transphobic himself. "He said he was disgusting. He's not. He's- It's not his fault that he was born this way."

"I know, I know." Jungwoo brought his hands up to cup Jaehyun's face. He had said some really stupid, hurtful things himself earlier, but he _did know._ He was just being a dick for no reason. There was no excusing it. But he knew this wasn't Sicheng's fault. He didn't ask for this. "But we can't change that now. You can't blame yourself for what Ten said. You froze, baby. I know I wasn't there but...it sounded pretty crazy. There was shouting and Ten was having a panic attack and Sicheng had just revealed something huge that you never saw coming."

"But I could have helped him. I just sat there and let Ten scream at him."

"You were overwhelmed. It happens. You can't always be the strong one." 

Jaehyun screwed his eyes shut for a second, forcing the tears that were clouding his vision out. He didn't like crying. He wasn't meant to cry. He was meant to look after everyone and protect them and make sure they were all happy and felt loved but- he had failed. He had totally failed Sicheng. 

"But you can help him now." Jungwoo offered up. "You can help us get through to Ten. I said something really, _really_ awful this morning, and Taeyong made me realise why it was so wrong. We need to make sure he understands too."

Jaehyun nodded. That was a good idea, actually. He knew they all needed to talk about last night anyway, for the sake of their relationship. And he definitely knew Ten needed to be told off for what he said. Jaehyun was just a little scared he wouldn't be able to hold back...

"You're right. Let's go home."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Sicheng?" Renjun cracked open the door to the elder's room. It had been a couple of hours since Jaehyun and Jungwoo had shown up. He wanted to give his cousin some time to catch up on his sleep, but he didn't want him locking himself away in his room, wallowing in self-pity. "How you feeling?"

"Shit. Wish I had died in my sleep."

"Don't say things like that." He didn't care if Sicheng was only kidding, it wasn't funny. "Do you want anything to eat?"

Sicheng nodded, he let Renjun help him out of bed before following the younger to the kitchen. Jesus Christ he felt _rough._

"Here." Renjun passed him a glass of water and some painkillers, reading his mind. "What do you fancy?"

"Bacon. Not a sandwich, just a plate full of bacon." 

Renjun smiled softly. That was always Sicheng's go to hangover food. He lay some out on a plate before whacking it in the microwave, because for some unknown reason Sicheng liked his bacon really crispy and kind of dry. Renjun couldn't think of anything worse. 

"Are you ready to talk about what happened?"

"Not really."

"Sicheng, I know it's hard but we need to. I can't help if I don't know exactly what happened."

"I don't think you can help anyway."

Renjun sighed as he took a seat at their breakfast bar. Sicheng could be so difficult when he wanted to be. 

"You won't know that until we try."

"I did something _really_ stupid."

"What do you mean?" Was Sicheng referring to what happened last night? How he had ended up coming out to Ten? Renjun had been trying to piece it all together, just how everything went down. But he couldn't figure it out for the life of him. He hoped Sicheng could actually remember. 

"Like, I've well and truly fucked everything up. Permanently." Sicheng was actually a little scared to tell Renjun, this was way worse than anything he had ever done. This could have huge ramifications for Jaehyun's career if anyone actually paid attention to his tweets. He wasn't even sure if they had gained any traction. He was way too scared to look. 

He had broken people up in the past. Told the guy who had slept with him for a bet's girlfriend what had happened. He hadn't even felt vaguely guilty about that. He deserved it. He had logged onto one guy's computer, deleting all of his coursework for the end of the term after he kicked off about Sicheng using the men's toilets. That was his own fault, if anything. Who didn't back their work up? He had even 'accidentally' dropped one girls expensive new lens after she referred to him as 'that' while voicing her displeasure over having to work with him. 

But this felt different. He wasn't even sure Jaehyun had done anything wrong. He had tried everything to find Sicheng last night, to make sure he was okay. He wasn't the one that said that stuff to him, it was Ten. But, Jaehyun didn't do anything about it. He just sat back and watched. 

Maybe he did deserve whatever came of this. Maybe they all did. 

"Do you mean what happened last night? I still don't even know the whole story. I don't understand... _how_ this all happened."

Sicheng pushed the whole Twitter incident to the back of his mind as Renjun placed his breakfast down in front of him. Over cooked bacon. His favourite. 

"I know you might not want to, but I can't give you any advice if I don't know the full story."

Sicheng sighed. If he couldn't tell Renjun then who the hell was he going to tell? He didn't have anyone else anymore. 

"So, we went out last night and we were having so much fun just drinking and dancing and then we got kicked out of the bar." Sicheng laughed to himself, remembering the events of earlier on that night. They really did have fun, just the two of them letting loose after a long week of work experience and studying. 

"You got kicked out? Is that where you were arguing?"

"Oh, god no. We went back to his after that. We were just...you know, making out in the taxi and stuff." Sicheng flushed, feeling kind of weird about talking to his nineteen-year-old cousin about this. "I told him I was in love with him."

Renjun's eyes widened. Holy fuck. That made this a million times worse. He knew Sicheng liked Ten a lot, but...he was _in love_ with him? And Ten knew this? He still reacted like _that_ knowing Sicheng was in love with him?

"What did he say?"

"That he loved me too." Sicheng laughed bitterly, shoving a piece of over cooked bacon in his mouth. It wasn't like Ten had just said that because he was drunk or because he felt pressured to say it back...he had told Sicheng that he had well and truly fallen for him ages ago. And Sicheng had believed him, but...it must have all been a lie. Ten didn't love him. "Like, I had finally found someone that loved me and made me happy and- The things he said..."

Renjun's heart broke as Sicheng began to sniffle. He had been called all of those things and worse by god knows how many people over the years, but hearing them fall from Ten's lips was way worse than anything he'd heard in the past. Ten was meant to love him. He was meant to make him feel good about himself. Not call him a freak, or a ladyboy, or 'that'. Definitely not call him disgusting. 

"What happened next?" Renjun was a little apprehensive about pushing Sicheng when he was so sensitive, but he needed to know what happened. He couldn't comprehend how Sicheng would let Ten touch him, knowing he hadn't come out yet, and he was terrified something much worse had happened. 

"We went up to his room and we were kissing more and things got really heated and-" Sicheng's fingers grazed against the mark on his neck, the one he hadn't actually seen but knew was there from where Ten was sucking on it last night. "He was on top of me and...he put his hands down my jeans and-"

"He what?" Renjun spat, eyes narrowed. Was Sicheng saying what he thought he was? Did Ten...? "Did he take advantage of you? You were drunk and he was- And _then_ he kicked off? I'm going to absolutely _kill_  him, Sicheng. We're phoning the police!"

"What?" What was Renjun talking about? The police? Did he think- "Oh, no! No, he didn't take advantage of me. He would never." That was one thing he knew about Ten for sure. He would never have taken advantage of the fact Sicheng was drinking to get him into bed. "I wanted it, like I _really_ wanted it. We had waited so long because of stuff that's happened to him in the past and he kept asking if I was okay and I definitely wanted this and I did, so-"

"So why did you go through with it?" Renjun was back at square one: confused. Had Ten just slipped his hands into Sicheng's pants without his consent and found out about his genitalia that way, then that made sense. He would have been absolutely fucking livid and made sure Ten would pay for what he did to Sicheng, but it made sense that Sicheng wouldn't have knowingly let things go that far. 

But...he did?

"I was..." Sicheng stared at the wall, terrified of making eye contact with his cousin. How could he even explain this? "In that moment I was just so happy, you know? I had this gorgeous boy that was in love with me and I loved him back and...he just made me feel so good about myself. We had opened up to one another so much, about _everything._ Everything...but that."

Sicheng swallowed. Ten had told him so much about his past, he had cried so many times, and Sicheng had opened up too. He had told Ten how worthless he felt at times, how he couldn't believe anyone would every fall for him, and Ten would always kiss the tears away and tell him that he'd never have to feel that way again. Because...because _he_ loved him. 

"He made me feel normal. Like...like I wasn't this fucking mess of a person. Like I could forget all of my problems when I was with him and...I did. It sounds stupid but I was so caught up in the moment, and we were finally going to make love and I know that the fact is been drinking didn't help but I just- I just wanted to be normal for once."

"You're not _ab_ normal, Sicheng."

"I am! You don't need to pretend I'm not this fucking freak of nature to make me feel better when that's exactly what I am!"

This is what Renjun was scared of. It had taken Sicheng so long to come to terms with his identity, to even begin to feel proud of who he was. He couldn't bear the thought of him being set back to square one just because of something Ten had said. 

"You're _not._ You're a boy, Sicheng. That's why I don't really agree when you said you've been lying to them. You told them you're a boy and that's the truth. I told you so many times that you should tell them about your transgender identity because I was scared of you getting too attached and something happening, and I was right, but..."

Renjun sighed. He really wished Sicheng had have just listened to him, but he didn't want his cousin blaming himself for what Ten said. Nothing warranted that. 

"Please don't think this makes you any less valid as a boy. That's who you are. I know I'll never be able to fully understand it, that cis guys like me can't relate to what you go through, but I hate seeing you like this. You're not a freak, you were just dealt a really shitty hand and if I could take this away from you I would. I want you to be proud of who you are, Sicheng. I want you to be proud of who you are and you've become. Please try not to take what he said to heart. You're not disgusting. You're amazing."

"Jun..." Sicheng felt like he didn't deserve Renjun's words. Like he didn't deserve anything nice being said about him because- Because, look at him. He hated himself so fucking much and he just wished he had have been born differently, that he didn't have to put up with this shit every single day. It was draining, and being with Ten made that all go away. He had this boy that made him so happy. He was someone's boyfriend. He had someone that loved him. 

But it was all a lie. Ten didn't love him; if he did he never would have said those things. 

"What am I going to do?"

Renjun watched on as Sicheng pushed his now-cold bacon around his plate. 

"That depends, would you want to try and work things out with him?"

Sicheng shrugged. He had no idea. He had absolutely loved his time with Ten, they'd had so much fun together and he had made him feel better about himself than anyone had before. But...could he be with someone that was so repulsed by him? Granted, Ten was drunk and in shock, but...Sicheng's chest felt tight just thinking about it. Like he was going to burst into tears again. He was worried he'd never get the look of disgust on Ten's face out of his head. 

"What about Jaehyun?"

Jaehyun? Sicheng had barely even thought about Jaehyun. Not since he tried to push the whole Twitter thing out of his mind. Surely it hadn't become that big of a deal, right? They didn't seem to get that much attention...

"He came over before, with Jungwoo, while you were asleep."

"And you didn't wake me?"

"I didn't know if you had sobered up. I didn't see the point in another drunken, tired argument."

Okay, that was fair enough. How was Renjun so much more sensible than he was? He was still a kid, really. 

"What did he say?"

"He wanted me to tell you he was sorry for freezing up, that he wished he had have done more to stop Ten saying what he did. He wishes he had defended you more."

"Oh my god." Sicheng groaned, elbows on the counter as he held his face in his hands. He felt fucking awful. He should have just come straight home last night instead of getting totally wasted and trying to get revenge and sleeping with that guy. Fuck. "Do you think...he still wants to be with me?"

"I'm not sure." Renjun thought so, but he didn't want to get Sicheng's hopes up or anything. And, honestly, he wasn't convinced pursuing a relationship with either of them was the best idea. "He wants to apologise to you in person, though."

"What about Ten?"

"No idea." Jaehyun had barely mentioned him, actually. Maybe the two of them weren't even speaking after last night. "I wouldn't rush into anything. I know you've been really happy with them, but please don't run back to someone that was so fucking nasty to you unless he's truly sorry and learns more about what you're going through. You're worth more than that."

Sicheng wrapped his arms around himself. He knew exactly where Renjun was coming from. He knew how insecure Sicheng was and that he wanted nothing more than to be loved. Honestly, if Ten did the bare minimum and just said sorry, he'd probably fall back at his feet. That's how much he loved him. How desperate he'd been to find someone to love him back. He wasn't sure that he _was_ worth more than that...

"Do you think that I need to apologise?"

"I think you need to explain yourself. You didn't technically lie, I think that saying that insinuates that you aren't a real boy, but...I can see why they feel lied to. You should have opened up before it came to this, and you need to apologise for that. I know you're scared and insecure, but it's been like five months. You should have told him before now."

Sicheng hummed. Had it really been five months? God. This was by far the longest relationship he'd ever had. The happiest he'd ever been. They'd shared so much together in those few months. Ten had been there to see him graduate for god's sake, not even his parents were there. 

But they'd probably never be able to go back to that, so maybe there was no point in even trying. Everything was ruined now, and this was his fault for not opening up sooner and Ten's fault for being a complete fucking asshole. 

He wasn't sure they'd ever get past this. 

In fact, he wasn't sure he even wanted to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions and bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	15. the talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's been a while but here's chapter 15! i know this is rly slow and omg i PROMISE it'll get better!! i just really need to get all of the characters feelings out there and i need them all to understand each other's points of view and aaaaah. it's coming i swear??
> 
> also pls remember: i am not my characters, i do not always agree with or condone their actions. this is is a work of fiction, but at the same time i am trying to keep it as realistic and true to life as possible. my characters have flaws, they say and do shitty things just like everyone else does.

Ten tapped his fingers against the cushion in his lap as he waited in their living room. His hangover hadn't gotten much better, even after sleeping well past midday and Taeyong making him the world’s greasiest fry up. He just wanted to curl up in a ball in bed all day but he couldn't. 

No. 

They had to _talk._

If there was one thing that made Ten uncomfortable, it was talking about his feelings. He was nowhere near as bad as he used to be, he could actually bring himself to open up now, but.... That didn't mean he liked it. He still found it kind of awkward to talk about emotions, still found them a little foreign after forcing himself not to feel anything for so long. 

But he knew it was healthy to get everything out in the open. He knew that their relationship couldn't survive without these kind of conversations. And there was no way he was losing Jaehyun over this. 

"I need to talk to you about something." 

Ten looked up as Jungwoo entered the room; he had been expecting Jaehyun, not him. 

"I want to say sorry for what I said before, about Sicheng. I didn't mean it and I definitely shouldn't have referred to him as 'it'."

"Why are you apologising to me?"

"Because I know you're confused about all of this and what I said probably didn’t help. I didn't want you to think it's okay to use that kind of language. It's not. He _is_ a boy."

Ten had been trying to wrap his head around all of this. How someone could have a different gender to their body. What transitioning was. How this all worked. How... How Sicheng was a boy when he didn't have boy parts. 

He still didn't really get it. It's not like he didn't want to understand, it was just a lot to take in. 

"We went to go see him this morning."

"Wh- You what? Who?"

"Me and Jaehyun. He wanted to see him while you were still asleep but he was still tired so I drove him."

Ten wasn't sure how that made him feel. The fact Jaehyun had seen Sicheng before him. The fact he went over there before they talked. The fact they hadn't waited until he was awake. What if he had wanted to go too? 

"What did he say? How is he?" Sicheng hadn't replied to his text, though, Ten couldn't say he was all too surprised.

"We didn't actually see him, he was asleep and Renjun wouldn't let us."

"Oh."

"He got home okay, though. Don't worry."

Ten tried to smile as Jungwoo squeezed his hand. He felt like absolute shit, and he was pretty sure it wasn't just because of the hangover. 

"Okay." Taeyong entered the room, Jaehyun in tow. They had decided that they should all talk about this as a family. That they all needed to be on the same page. But... "Where do we even start, here?"

The four of them sat there in silence, no one having any idea what they should say. 

"Jaehyun? You wanna go first?" Jaehyun and Ten hadn't spoken since last night, and Taeyong really didn't like that. They had to be completely open with each other if they were going to sort things out. 

Jaehyun sighed. Where was he even going to start? He was still  _so_  fucking tired. After Sicheng had left and disappeared into thin air he had jumped straight in his car and spent the night driving around in his pyjamas, hoping to god he'd be able to find him before anything bad happened considering the state he was in. But it got to the point where he had to call it a night, where he was too tired to even drive and didn't want to risk causing an accident. 

Sicheng was out there all on his own and he had had no idea whether his boyfriend was okay. And he blamed Ten for that. 

"I just can't believe you said that to him. I know you were drunk and you can be a real bitch sometimes, but what you said was totally out of order."

Ten flinched, thumb ghosting over the amethyst ring on his finger. He wasn't sure Jaehyun had ever called him a bitch before. Plenty of people had in the past, so it wasn't really a word that bothered him, but coming from Jaehyun it... It made something inside him twist uncomfortably. 

"I was just...confused." Ten started, hugging the pillow closer to his chest. "I didn't know what to think, I've never even heard of... _that_ before."

"Transgender, Ten. He's transgender."

"Why don't you tell us what happened from the start?" Jungwoo interjected, before another argument broke out. Ten was the only one who had the full story; the rest of them had only experienced or heard of small pieces. 

Ten nodded, hugging the pillow tighter. 

"So we were out and it was great, like, we had a really good time and we were on the way home and we were making in out in the taxi and he-" Ten smiled sadly to himself, Sicheng's words playing over in is head. "He told me he loved me."

"He did?" Jaehyun’s eyes widened slightly. He had been wanting to stay quiet while Ten explained everything because even he didn't fully understand what had happened. That was why he wanted to speak to Sicheng. But...Sicheng was really in love with Ten? 

Ten nodded again, trying his hardest to hold back the tears. He had. Sicheng said he was in love with him and his stomach still fluttered when he thought about those words falling from his boyfriend’s lips. Ex-boyfriend. Whatever. All he had ever wanted was to be loved and he would never get tired of hearing it. 

"I was just so happy in that moment and all I wanted was to kiss him and make love to him to prove I felt the same."

"You know you didn't have to, right?" Taeyong narrowed his eyes slightly. Last night, when they were woken by all of that screaming, he had assumed that Sicheng had assaulted Ten in some way; it was hardly an extreme conclusion to jump to considering his past. But maybe Ten really did feel pressured into sleeping with Sicheng. "Just because he said that."

"No! I know. But I wanted to. I really _really_ wanted to. Like, I made him wait so long but he was so sweet and understanding about it and he never ever pressured me once and-" for fucks sake Ten hold it together, why was he almost in tears? "I really wanted to be that intimate with him. I was ready, we both were."

"Then what happened. What led you to finding out?"

Ten sighed; it was kind of a blur but... "We were in my room, making out, ready to go all the way and I went to grab his cock and he- He didn't have one."

Jaehyun swallowed thickly. Was that seriously what happened? He had no idea how this all came about until now, he hadn't spoken to Ten at all and- God. He felt awful for leaving him last night, no wonder he had a panic attack, but he couldn't have just left Sicheng out there all on his own without even trying to find him. This was- Fuck. He hated being stuck between two people like this. 

"But- I don't understand-" Jaehyun started. This didn't make any sense. "Why would he let you go that far if he knew _that's_ how you were going to find out?"

"That's what we're all trying to understand too, baby." Taeyong sighed, folding his legs underneath himself. "But I guess we'll never know until Sicheng tells us his side of the story."

"He wouldn't have done it on purpose, right?" Jungwoo cocked his head. He had been _so_ angry when he first found out what had happened, but after thinking things over and talking to Renjun... He couldn't believe that this was planned or malicious. Renjun said Sicheng was terrified of coming out. If that was the case then why would he choose to do it like this? "It must have been an accident or something."

"Accident?" Ten spat out. A fucking accident? Sicheng knew, he knew _exactly_ why Ten was so hesitant for the two of them to sleep together. He knew the trauma he had suffered at the hands of all those men that had used him over the years. And this was just an accident? "What? He just fucking _forgot?"_

"Maybe...he wanted to forget." Taeyong offered up. He couldn't explain it either, and honestly he didn't see the point in even going over this until they had heard things from Sicheng’s point of view. They couldn't assume anything, but that was the best he could come up with. "I don't know exactly what Sicheng is going through, because I'm pretty sure all transgender people experience different levels of dysphoria, but he probably has serious body issues, Ten. He might not even be able to look in the mirror some days. Like, I dunno, he probably just wanted to feel...normal."

"He _is_  normal, Taeyong."

"You know what I mean, stop being so pedantic." Taeyong shot back at Jaehyun. "Like, I dunno, okay. We're never going to understand this until we speak to him and making assumptions will just make things worse."

"What if I don't want to speak to him? I don't even know if I want to see him again. I'm glad he got home okay and everything, but...why should I talk to him?" Ten couldn't understand why everyone else seemed to calm about this? It was pretty fucking obvious they hadn't been in his position last night. 

"I don't think that's very healthy."

"And you think what he put me through _is_ healthy?" Ten was starting to get riled up again, why could no one see it from his point of view? "He told me he was _in love_ with me. He got me into bed under false pretences and he- We were so close and he wasn't- He wasn't even a boy and-"

"He _is_ a boy, Ten." Taeyong knew his boyfriend was upset but he wasn't sure how many times he had to be told. Sicheng is a boy. End of story. 

"But I didn't get that at the time. I mean, I still don't fully understand it, but we were literally seconds away and- He-" Ten could barely even get his words out, he could feel his chest tightening up, his vision blurring. He _was not_ about to have another panic attack. "You know how hard I find it to trust people, especially in that way and he lied to me. And to find out like that - in _that_ situation, it just- it tipped me over the edge."

Jaehyun sighed. He understood where Ten was coming from, he really did. It must have been a huge shock to find out in that way. He found it a huge shock too and Sicheng had come out to him in a much more typical manner. 

"I just really wish you hadn't called him disgusting."

"I regret that too." Ten sniffled as tears began to roll down his cheeks. He really did. He knew he had crossed a line in the cold light of day, but everything just got on top of him last night. He didn't understand anything of what Sicheng was going through, of who he was. He just thought he was a liar. Thought he was trying to pull the wool over his eyes in some way to get him into bed. It didn't really make sense but what else was he meant to think? None of this made any sense to him last night. 

And he was still struggling with it a little bit. 

"I was just so angry. Like, I've told him _everything,_ Jaehyun. About Hansol and my parents and what I- What I used to- _Had_  to do and... I dunno, I just feel like he was using me in a way. He knew why I was hesitant about sleeping with him and why I have so many trust issues and he- I feel like he lied to me to get me into bed."

Jungwoo squeezed Ten’s hand tighter, he could practically feel his best friends pulse rising. This must have been hard for him. He totally understood where Renjun was coming from before, when he said Sicheng hadn't actually lied because he _was_ a boy. He saw the logic, but he honestly wasn't sure he agreed. That was a massive thing to keep hidden for over five months. 

"That's why I just...exploded. Like, I hadn't expected anything like that, obviously. I thought we were going to have this amazing night and I was finally going to get to be with the man I loved and it just all-" Ten felt like he was repeating himself over and over here but his head was such a mess he couldn't even think straight. "I know I probably overreacted and I know I said things I shouldn't have, but I was just so...hurt."

"The fact you'd been drinking probably didn't help either." Taeyong mused. That would have only added fuel to the fire. "We know you were angry and confused, baby, and god, I _wish_ this hadn't happened to you. I hate the idea of anyone upsetting you, but in order to move forward we need to make sure you understand exactly who Sicheng is."

Ten sighed. Great. Another lecture. 

"I know that he's a boy even though he doesn't have...boy parts. I mean, I don't really know _how,_ but..."

"But you know he's not a freak, yeah? Or any of those other things you called him last night?" Jaehyun interjected, leaning forwards, elbows on his knees. "He's not disgusting, Ten. I actually think he's pretty amazing, the fact that he has the courage to be himself in a world that barely understands him."

Ten’s heart wretched as Jaehyun’s lips spread into a smile as he talked about Sicheng. He...he still wanted to be with him, didn't he? 

"I wish he had have told us, because I hate the idea that he didn't trust us enough or that he was scared we wouldn't accept him, but- Considering how fucking awful you were last night, I guess he was right to keep that part of his life a secret." Jaehyun was still pissed off at Ten. He understood why his boyfriend freaked out like he did, he understood that Ten was confused, but he wasn't sure that warranted treating Sicheng the way he did. No one deserved to be called those things.. "You're meant to love him, Ten. You more than anyone knows how much that can mean to a person and you treated him like he wasn't even human. You know exactly how that feels too."

Ten tensed up, knuckles turning white as he gripped onto Jungwoo's hand. 

"You were so happy with him because he never forced you to do anything and he didn't want you for your body like all those men in your past. You loved him because he treated you like a person, not an object." Taeyong shuffled in his seat as Jaehyun spoke. They were getting into very dangerous territory here, and he tried to avoid ever bringing Ten’s past up, but he needed to hear this. He needed to fully understand the damage he may have caused Sicheng.

"Can you remember last year? What Doyoung said to you?"

Ten nodded. Of course he did. How could he forget? 

"How it made you feel, even though they were just words? How many memories they stirred up because that was something you had been called for years? That, even though he didn't know what you had been through at the time it still hurt and we all still blamed him. Sicheng is in that same position now." Jaehyun was worried using this as an example might trigger something in Ten, but he couldn't think of how else to get through to him. "God knows how many times he's been called those things. How many people have referred to him as ‘that’? Imagine how it made him feel - the person he _loves_ calling him all of those transphobic slurs he's probably heard over and over in the past."

Ten’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. He'd never thought of it like that. Sicheng had probably been called names his whole life, because he was...different. But he knew from personal experience just how harmful names could be. They were more than just words, and some off handed comment could massively affect someone's mental health. 

In the heat of the moment he felt like he hadn't really done anything wrong. He was lashing out because of the situation he was in. But now...now he was sober and he understood the situation a little better and- He got it. He got why what he said was so offensive. He had been referred to as 'that' in the past. He'd been treated like an object, like he wasn't even worthy of being considered human. 

How could he do that to Sicheng? Sure, he was mad but... He went too far. 

"Hey." Jungwoo thumbed away a stray tear from Ten’s cheek. The elder had been quiet for god knows how long, clearly taking everything in. "I know this is a lot to take in, but you need to understand things from Sicheng’s point of view. I mean, look how badly I messed up this morning."

"I need to apologise, don't I?"

Jungwoo nodded. "You do. You can't know just how badly it affected him."

Ten didn't miss the way Jungwoo pulled the sleeve of his shirt down, a habit he had never managed to drop even though he knew he didn't have to hide his scars around them anymore. 

What if- What if Sicheng had hurt himself too? Ten’s stomach dropped. He didn't want anyone to go through that. He'd heard all of the horror stories from Jungwoo. 

"I'm just...I don't know if I'm ready to see him again."

"You don't even know if he will see you, so don't get worked up about it."

"Yeah, me and Woo saw how protective Renjun is of him. He probably needs time too."

"What if..." Ten knew that seeing Sicheng face to face would result in more than just an apology. They'd have to talk, about _them._ About their relationship. He didn't know if he was ready for that either. He didn't even know what he wanted. "I don't think I can be with him anymore."

"You want to break up with him?" Jaehyun shot across the room, eyebrows furrowed. 

"I- Yeah. Jae, he lied to me. To both of us. How am I meant to be able to trust him? How do we know he hasn't lied about more stuff?"

"We lied to him too."

"That is _so_ different. We had to, for _you._ I lied to him for you, and I trusted him enough to let him in on our biggest secret. He's totally thrown that back in my face. The amount of times I opened up to him and he held me while I cried and told me everything was going to be fine now, and he- He wasn't who I thought he was. I don't trust him anymore and I can't be with someone I don't trust."

"He _is,_ though. He's still the exact same boy you fell in love with. He's still Sicheng, nothing about him has changed."

"Why are you defending him so much?"

"Because he hasn't actually done anything wrong!"

Ten blanched. Was Jaehyun taking the piss? 

"Are you being serious?"

"Look, yeah, I was a little annoyed that he hadn't told us - but I get that it was hard for him. I wish he had have. I wish he felt like he could open up to us like that. I wish we could have all sat down and had a civil conversation instead of... _this._ But I know that he was scared. You understand that, right?"

Ten did understand that, but...

"You kept stuff from me too, when I first met you, remember?"

"That's _completely_ different, Jaehyun. Don't even go there."

"But I forgave you, Ten. I listened and I understood. I didn't blame you, because I know how scared you were too."

"I didn't have a choice, Sicheng did. He's in control of his own life."

"Is he, though?" 

At this point Taeyong felt the need to intervene, he knew Jaehyun was only trying to get through to Ten, but it seemed a little absurd using such experiences as a comparison. 

"Jae, come on. Don't go there."

"I'm just saying! He doesn't have any choice in this either."

"But this has nothing to do with being forced to sell yourself by an abusive asshole!" There way no way this was helping, as if Ten hadn't been triggered enough already. He didn't need Jaehyun dragging up even more painful memories. "I know you're just trying to explain things in a way he might understand, but stop."

Jaehyun swallowed. Okay, maybe that had crossed a line. But he just-  He needed to get through to Ten. He needed him to understand what Sicheng was going through. That he didn't ask for any of this. 

"I thought we were past all of that." Ten’s voice was tight, on the verge of bursting out in tears again. He didn't like feeling like this; so pathetic. "You said you didn’t blame me."

"And I don't, I never did. I just want you to see why I don't blame him either."

"But you weren't there! You aren't me! You didn't go through what I did! He didn't-" Ten knew he was wrong. That what he said and the way he reacted was wrong. He should have never made Sicheng feel less than human. He should have never called him those things. He understood that. _Now._ He didn't last night, but now he did. He may never be able to take those things back, but he _was_ going to apologise. 

He just couldn't understand why Jaehyun was only siding with Sicheng. Couldn't understand why his _boyfriend_ of two years, who told him he'd _always_ be there for him wasn't even trying to consider his feelings. 

"This is different for you, on so many levels. You weren't in my position last night, and you probably would have reacted differently because you're a better person than me. But you- You haven't been used like I have. You don't have _any_ of the issues I do."

"Jae, he's hurt because he feels like Sicheng broke his trust. Because of how things happened." Jungwoo played with Ten’s fingers as he spoke, hoping it would calm him down just a little. They all knew that Ten shouldn't have exploded the way he did, but Jungwoo could totally see where he was coming from. How in the heat of the moment he just lost it. "You understand how hard it must have been to find out in the way he did, right?"

Jaehyun groaned, throwing his head back against the sofa. He did. He knew Ten still had trust issues and the fact that they were about to sleep together- He knew Ten must have found that so fucking hard, he just- This was such a mess. He'd never been stuck between two of his boyfriends like this. He was trying to keep everyone happy, trying not to be biased, but...it was hard. 

"I know, and baby I'm sorry if it feels like I'm not listening to you. I hate that things turned out this way and that it led to you having a breakdown. I promised no one would ever hurt you again and...He has. I know that. I just don't want to demonise him; I have to give him the benefit of the doubt."

"Okay." Taeyong held his hands up in a kind of truce. He felt like they weren't getting anywhere. "We're just going in circles here. Until we know Sicheng’s side of the story we can't talk this out properly. Ten, you can't assume he did this on purpose to hurt you for some fucked up reason, and Jaehyun, you can't assume he's totally innocent in all of this. Until you talk to him, it's just speculation. 

We need to put this to rest, and try to move on. Just for now."

"So where do we go from here, then?" Ten asked, a little scared of the answer. What if Jaehyun was going to choose Sicheng over him? 

"I don't know." Jaehyun shrugged. "I know that I want to be with him no matter what. I guess it's up to you to decide what you want."

Jungwoo's eyebrows furrowed. That seemed incredibly unfair. Putting all of that pressure on Ten? He knew fine well the dancer would do anything to keep Jaehyun happy. He couldn't possibly expect Ten to get back with Sicheng if that wasn't what he wanted - just for Jaehyun’s sake. 

"What do you mean by no matter what?"

"Like, if he still wants to be with me, then yeah. I'm not going to dump him because he's transgender Jungwoo. Who the fuck does that?"

Jungwoo heard Ten whimper softly beside him. That seemed like a dig. 

"But...I don't think I can, Jaehyun. I don't know what's real with him anymore." Ten’s voice was barely above a whisper. He was terrified of upsetting Jaehyun. Of their family breaking up because of him. Maybe he was getting ahead of himself, but- He couldn't help but jump to the worst case scenario. What if Jaehyun choose Sicheng and then everyone else choose Jaehyun and he was...left all alone? "It feels like everything was a lie. I don't trust him. I can't be with someone I don't trust."

Jaehyun sighed. He could see where his boyfriend was coming from, and considering Ten’s past, he could understand how traumatic last night must have been for him. 

But he couldn't stop thinking about how traumatic it must have been for Sicheng, either. 

"You don't...even want to give him another chance?"

Ten shook his head. He couldn't go back there. He wasn't sure he could even see Sicheng again. He knew he had to apologise, and that he should really do it face to face. But the whole thing was giving him major anxiety. 

"Why would I want to? I know it's not a choice and he's- He's a boy, but I'm not...into...that."

"But I thought- I thought you loved him."

"Well, so did I." Ten shrugged. "But he's not who I thought he was."

"But...nothing about him has actually changed." Jaehyun cocked his head. He knew Ten may not want to jump straight back in with Sicheng, but he hadn't expected him to drop this completely. "He's still Sicheng."

"But he's transgender or whatever. That's not...what I'm into." Ten counteracted. "I don't want to sleep with someone with, like, you know."

"A vagina?"

"...Yeah."

"So that’s it? You don't want to be with him because he doesn't have a dick?"

Ten furrowed his eyebrows. Well...yes. Wasn't that obvious? 

"Why would I?"

"Because you fell in love with him, Ten. _Him._ Not what he has in his pants."

"But tha- This changes everything."

"Does it? Because I remember you gushing over how great he was because he didn't like you back solely for your body or how good you were in bed. And now you're going to give up on him for those exact reasons?"

"Jaehyun." Taeyong warned. He knew his boyfriend didn't always think before he spoke and they were beginning to get into very dangerous territory here. Again. 

"Th- That’s totally different, Jaehyun, you know that." Ten shuffled back slightly, inching closer to Jungwoo, needing some kind of comfort. Why was Jaehyun even bringing that up? Why was he throwing his past back at him? He promised he'd never do that. "I can't help not being attracted to pussy."

"But you're attracted to _him_ , Ten."

"Was." Ten corrected, holding his hand up to stop Jaehyun from going any further. "I was. Before I found out who he really is."

"Are you seriously going to let this come between you? You've been so happy these past few months and you've found someone else to love you. Is it really that big of a deal?"

"Of course it is." Ten’s jaw dropped. Was Jaehyun being serious here? Not that big of a deal? Really? "I'm not going to sleep with someone who has a fucking vagina, Jae."

"But-" Jaehyun groaned. Ten was so damn stubborn. "You were happy with him up until now and you hadn't even slept together. Why does it matter what's in his pants?"

"You could just have a non-sexual relationship." Jungwoo suggested. "Like Taeyong and I do." The two of them were perfectly happy together, madly in love, they just didn't really need sex to show that. It's not that they didn't have chemistry or anything, or that they weren't attracted to one another. Sex just...it wasn't a big deal for the two of them. 

Ten twisted his nose. He had always found Taeyong and Jungwoo’s relationship kind of weird. Why would you not have sex with someone you were in love with? That didn't really make sense to him. He knew that his boss, Kun, was asexual and that he understood but...he wasn't, and he was pretty sure Sicheng wasn't either, so why would he not want to sleep with someone he loved so much? 

"I dunno, that's..." Sure, he had been happy with Sicheng the past few months he didn't _need_ sex to have a good time with him, but... could he do that for the rest of his life? Not have sex with his boyfriend? "Regardless, he lied to me. I don't trust him anymore and I don't want anything to do with him."

Ten folded his arms across his chest in defiance. He _wasn't_ going to get back with Sicheng. He wanted to know if he was okay, but that was it. He didn't want to see him again. 

"What if...I do?"

Ten flinched. Was Jaehyun being serious? He still wanted to be with Sicheng after all of this? Fair enough if he could look past the whole transgender thing, that was Jaehyun’s own choice. But he was willing to let someone who had lied to them for months back into their relationship? He wanted to keep seeing Sicheng even if Ten wanted to break up with him?

"Are you being serious?" Taeyong spoke up from across the room; voicing the question Ten was too stunned to ask. "How would that even work?"

"Because I like him. I'm willing to forgive him; I understand how hard it must have been for him."

"I understand too but, baby, you can't seriously expect Ten to be okay with you dating his ex-boyfriend."

Ten's eyes flitted between the two of them. He was glad Taeyong was speaking out on his behalf; it meant he didn't come off as the bad guy for once. 

"He's my boyfriend too, Taeyong. And I don't want to give up on him so easily."

"Yeah, but-" Taeyong groaned. He had always been scared of something like this happening. They'd never had to go through a breakup that involved more than a couple. It had worried him when they both began going out with Jungwoo - what if one of them changed their minds and the other didn't? Then it worried him again with Ten. How does a three way break up even work if all parties aren't in agreement? Talk about messy. "This really doesn't sound like a good idea."

"But I really like him and I think this could work out if we just-"

"So you're going to choose him over Ten?" Taeyong quirked an eyebrow. He felt a little bad that he was talking about their other boyfriend like he wasn't even there, but Jaehyun needed to hear this. "Jae, do you have any idea how much stress this will put on our relationship? _All_ of our relationships. How awkward things are going to be?"

"They- I-" Jaehyun stuttered. He knew this was far from an ideal situation, but he didn't just want to throw away what he and Sicheng had. He had to fight for him. "I'm not just going to dump him because he's transgender." 

"You don't have to. You can dump him for lying. You can dump him because Ten doesn't want to be with him anymore."

"But I don't _want_ to break up with him. At all."

Taeyong scoffed. Jaehyun couldn't be serious, could he? He knew fine well his boyfriend tended to fixate on things, that once he had found someone else he liked they became his main focus for a while, until everything eventually fell into place. Until they became part of the family. He knew that the rest of them would fall into second place, just for a while, and he honestly didn't mind that. But this took the piss. 

"Jaehyun." Taeyong started, leaning forwards in his seat, praying his boyfriend would actually listen and pay attention to what he was about to say. "You cannot bring him back into our relationship unless Ten wants to be with him too. Do you have any idea how crazy that is? How awkward you're going to make things? This could _break_ us. Are you really willing to throw everything we have away for Sicheng?"

Jaehyun’s eyes narrowed slightly, was...Taeyong giving him an ultimatum? 

"Do you want me to choose between you and him?"

"I never said that I-"

"Because that's what it sounds like, Taeyong. You know fine well I would do anything to help someone I love and if you think I'm going to abandon him when he's at his most fragile then-"

"You're not listening to me!" Ten flinched was Taeyong raised his voice. Taeyong never shouted. Never. "Do you not see how insane this is? The fact you're even _considering_ saving a month long relationship over your own boyfriends wellbeing is just ridiculous, Yoonoh."

Ten sunk into the corner of the sofa as Taeyong gestured to him. It always made him feel uncomfortable when people talked about him like he wasn't in the room. Made him feel like nothing again. 

"Guys, maybe we should calm down a little." Jungwoo could practically hear Ten’s breathing to shallow beside him. He wasn't the biggest fan of shouting either. "Have a beak and come back to this later before things get too heated."

But Taeyong chose to ignore him. They were going to talk about this and they were going to talk about it _now._

"Because there is no way I'm letting you bring him back here, to our house, and being all lovey-dovey right in Ten’s face if he decides to break up with him."

"It's _my_ house, Taeyong." Jaehyun regretted those words as soon as they left his lips. Fuck. 

"Are you fucking serious?" _His_ house? No. This was _their_ house. Jaehyun had always said that. Sure, he paid the majority of the mortgage, but he had always said that was because he wanted to look after them. He wanted to give them this amazing place to live. But...now he was using it as leverage? " _Your_ house? So, now we don't get any say in what goes on here or in our relationship because it's _your_  house?"

"I didn't mean it like th-"

"Oh, I think you did." Taeyong and Jaehyun rarely argued, but when they did, they really went for it. They had been together the longest, been through so many ups and downs they could barely even count them, been madly in love for years and years - six, in fact, but- Taeyong wasn't willing to sit back and let Jaehyun do this to Ten. To any of them. 

He wasn't going to let him ruin their relationship over Sicheng. 

"You don't dictate how this relationship works just because you have the most boyfriends or the most money, okay? You're not at the centre of this whole thing, we don't just have to sit back and allow you to bring someone potentially toxic into our lives. If we're not comfortable with him being here, you can't date him, Jaehyun. It's not fair on the rest of us."

"And how is this fair on him, huh? It's not his fault Taeyong."

"I know that! I understand why he kept things hidden, but he shouldn't have. Ten trusted him and opened up to him and Sicheng just kept lying. He coerced him into a situation he _knew_ made him uncomfortable and decided that was the best time to drop this bomb?"

"But that didn't warrant Ten’s reaction, he shouldn't h-"

"Can you _please_ stop talking about me like I'm not here?" Ten raised his hands and his voice. This was starting to give him a headache. He breathed a sigh of relief as Taeyong seemed to relax back in his chair, guard lowered slightly. Ten loved how protective Taeyong was of him, how he always wanted to run to his defence, but the last thing he wanted was to cause an argument. 

"Jaehyun, the fact you'd even think about continuing a relationship when I don't want to really hurts. Is he really more important to you than me?"

"Of course not, baby." Jaehyun’s heart lurched as Ten’s eyes began to well up. Was that really what he thought? "I just like him, a lot and-"

"Selfish." 

Jaehyun tried to ignore Taeyong's sarcastic comment from across the room. Taeyong was meant to be the mature one, but he could be a real bitch when he wanted to. 

"And I know you do too. I know he hurt you, but you loved him so much and- I can't believe you'd want to throw that away. At least talk to him, please. We lied to him too, remember?"

"This is _so_ different, Jaehyun." Ten’s eyes began to glaze over. He wasn't used to Jaehyun picking, well, anyone over him. "We can't tell anyone that - for good reason. I eventually trusted him enough to share our secret and he's thrown that trust back in my face."

Jaehyun hummed to himself. He wasn't convinced that it was all that different. Sicheng had given Ten a second chance after keeping their relationship from him, he felt like they should really do the same for him. And he had given Ten a second chance too. How couldn't he see that? 

"Can you _please_ just speak to him? For me?"

Ten cast his eyes down to his hands as Jaehyun tugged at his heart strings. He never could say no to the model. 

"Ten. You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Taeyong spoke up. He had been all for Ten and Sicheng talking and trying to sort things out, or at least apologising to one another, but now he wasn't so sure. He didn't want Jaehyun manipulating Ten into changing his mind. 

Jaehyun shot Taeyong a look before turning back to Ten. Why was he even getting involved? This was between the three of them. "I'm not going to force you to take him back if that's not what you want, I just.... You need closure, baby." 

"But...I'm scared. I'm scared of seeing him again and-" Ten sniffled, taking a sudden interest in the pattern on the rug under the coffee table as Jungwoo rubbed soothing circles into his back, not wanting to look at either of his boyfriends. "I know I need to say sorry for what I said but...I just don't know how I feel anymore."

What would he say if he saw Sicheng again? How would he react? He was still so angry and he was scared he wouldn't be able to control his emotions once he saw Sicheng again. What if...

What if he wasn't over him? 

He wasn't sure which was worse at this point. 

"I'll try." Ten sighed. He really should at least try to apologise. He shouldn't have said those things, shouldn't have been so harsh. "I'm not making any promises. But I'll try talking to him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions and bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	16. invitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while I'm so sorry! I've had serious writers block the last couple of weeks and this fic has become a lil but of a nightmare to write hnnnnn
> 
> enjoy anyway tho! the slow burn continues ((sorry))

"Yonggie?" Jungwoo peeked his head around Taeyong's bedroom door. He hadn't seen the elder since they had all went off offer their little chat, and he couldn't help but think there was still something wrong. He was beginning to worry after how heated things had gotten between him and Jaehyun earlier. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Taeyong sniffled, quickly wiping his face before Jungwoo could see him. He didn't want his boyfriend to know he'd been crying. 

"Are you crying?"

Taeyong groaned. Fantastic. 

"Just a bit, it's nothing."

"It's clearly not." Jungwoo sat down on the edge of the bed, near enough to his boyfriend to be there for moral support but not too close that Taeyong felt like he was being suffocated. Jungwoo knew the blonde liked his own space. "What's going on?"

"Just...this whole thing. It's too much." Taeyong didn't like not being in control, he didn't like not having the answer, and right now, he honestly had no idea what was going on. "What just happened? Like, Jaehyun, he-"

Jungwoo had an idea that would be what this was about. He was pretty upset about what Jaehyun had said too. The way he didn't really seem to care about what the three of them wanted. The fact he wanted to be with Sicheng no matter what. It...hurt that it felt like their opinions didn't matter in their relationship. 

"He's not thinking. Again." 

The two of them knew fine well how one track minded Jaehyun could get when it came to new relationships. They had seen it with Taeil, one of Jaehyun's exes, and then again with Ten, and now with Sicheng. But this...felt different. Jaehyun always got attached _really_ easily. He found it almost impossible to see the bad in anyone and always wanted to help people, but... He had always listened to them both in the past. He always took their opinions and fears on board.

When Doyoung had told Jungwoo what Taeil was up to, Jaehyun had listened, and he didn't even know Doyoung back then. He took on board what Jungwoo had told him, and even though it broke his heart, he ended things with Taeil. And then the same happened with Ten, Taeyong had an inkling Ten may have had some kind of ulterior motive when they first met, and he had been right. Jaehyun had still wanted to maintain a relationship with Ten and do everything in his power to help him, but he listened to Taeyong and stopped wasting all of their savings funding the man that was abusing the dancer. 

But this time he wasn't even attempting to see the other side of the coin. He didn't seem to be able to see why Ten was so upset, wasn't even trying to comfort his boyfriend of _years,_ and instead automatically taking Sicheng's side before he even knew for sure whether he was in the right or not. Taeyong could understand wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, of wanting to wait until he had spoken to Sicheng before making any rash decisions. But he hadn't done that. He had made it very clear that he had made his mind up about his relationship with Sicheng regardless of what anyone else wanted. He wasn't _listening._ And that was absolutely killing Taeyong. 

"Well I can see that. Does he _seriously_ think he can just go around making demands about _our_ relationship because he's Jaehyun fucking Jung? That's not how this works."

"I know th-"

"I don't know if I can do this anymore."

Jungwoo faltered as Taeyong's fingers dug into the edge of the mattress. What...?

"What are you saying?"

"Not _this,_ not _us._ I love the four of us together more than anything and I- I will _not_ allow us to fall apart over this, but-"

"But?"

"I just-" Taeyong inwardly cursed himself as he broke down again. He had been going over and over this in his head since he and Jaehyun argued. Whether he was overreacting, whether he was being insensitive, whether he was the one making shitty demands and being selfish. But...if he couldn't talk to Jungwoo about this then who could he? The younger had been in this just as long as he had. 

"Oh my god, don't cry, sweetie." Jungwoo pulled Taeyong into his chest. He knew that the elder wasn't massive on affection, not to the point that he was himself anyway, but he wasn't going to let his boyfriend cry on his own. "What's going on with you?"

"You're gonna think I'm an asshole, cause- Well, I dunno, I just-"

"You can talk to me about _anything,_ Yonggie."

"I don't think I can do this anymore. Keep adding new people and putting even more stress on our relationship. Like...when does it end?"

Jungwoo pressed a kiss to Taeyong's hair, he had no idea his boyfriend felt like this. It wasn't like they had planned on dating anyone else, they were perfectly happy just the four of them. Sure, Jungwoo had that massive crush on Doyoung, but he had just about accepted that nothing was ever going to happen between the two of them. Doyoung was straight and that was that. They were just friends. But...maybe Taeyong had a point. The more people they added to this, the more strain it put on their relationship as a whole. 

"You know Ten never meant to fall for Sicheng, right?"

"No, I know, it's just... This is _so_ fucking messy. I'm...I'm scared. I'm scared that this...it's gonna break us. What if five is too many? What if Jaehyun really wants to sacri-" Taeyong hiccupped mid-word as the very idea brought on a whole new wave of tears. "Sacrifice everything we've fought for just for...Sicheng. Like, he _barely_ even knows him and he's- He's been with us for _years."_

Six years, in Taeyong's case. Six whole years with the love of his life. His very first love. The boy that taught him what it was like to be loved. That introduced him to two boys he had fell for since that had given him this perfectly little family that he wouldn't change for the world and he- He was willing to throw that all away? For someone he'd been with, what? Three weeks? 

Taeyong knew this was a messy, complicated situation. He _knew._ He knew that all of this was nothing but words until they heard Sicheng's version of events, but...those words hurt. The very fact Jaehyun would even consider sacrificing what they had for someone else was... It made Taeyong's chest hurt. Constrict. Like he could barely even breathe. 

"I- I don't want to have to make him choose, but... Why would he even consider choosing Sicheng?"

"I- I don't know, Yonggie. I don't know if he's just trying to make a point or whether he actually means that."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, it kind of feels like he's trying to say the right thing...by Sicheng."

"You don't think he means it?" Taeyong mumbled into Jungwoo's chest, ignoring how damp the younger's shirt was thanks to him. 

"I really hope not." Jungwoo simply shrugged in response. 

"It's his stupid fucking saviour complex, isn't it?"

"I do get where he's coming from," Jungwoo sighed, "he doesn't want to come across like he's breaking up with Sicheng simply because he's transgender, but... He's not seeing the bigger picture. He doesn't seem to understand that it's not just his choice whether Sicheng is involved in our relationship."

"That would literally _kill_ Ten. If he decided he couldn't do it anymore and- He had to come back here and see the two of them-"

"We wouldn't let that happen. If Ten's heart isn't in it, then Jaehyun can't bring him over here. This is our house too, Yonggie, our home. He doesn't get to throw his weight around like that. I don't want this to rip our family apart either."

Taeyong groaned into Jungwoo's shirt, he wished Jaehyun would see it like that.

"I don't even know what to think anymore. At this point I think it would just be better if we all forgot about Sicheng and moved on with our lives."

"You don't mean that."

"I do."

"Baby, you know Ten has to apologise. He has to make this right." 

Taeyong hummed, deflating slightly in Jungwoo's arms. He _did_ know that. He just- God, he wished none of this had happened. He wished Sicheng had been upfront before things got sexual between the two of them - and that wasn't just last night. He knew fine well Sicheng had given Ten head in the past. There was no doubt in his mind that Sicheng should have come clean before engaging in a sexual act with the dancer. Especially considering he _knew_ about his past. Taeyong got that Sicheng hadn't actually lied, that he wasn't under any obligation to out himself to any of them - apart from Ten. The boyfriend he had been with for _months_ and had been sexually intimate with. He _should_ have said something. 

"I know, he really does. I'm glad he's beginning to understand, at least. I kind of expected him to keep lashing out and refusing to listen, but... He's really grown up."

"Yeah, I expected him to put up more of a fight to prove he hadn't done anything wrong be honest. You know how stubborn he can be."

"That's something, I guess." Taeyong wrapped his arms tighter around Jungwoo's waist, burying his face in his boyfriend's chest. "Do you think you could talk to Jaehyun for me?"

"I can try...but the two of you are going to have to talk this out properly, especially if you think...you really can't do this anymore, Taeyong. He needs to know how you feel."

Taeyong nodded against Jungwoo's chest. He wasn't even sure it that was how he felt, his head was absolutely spinning with so many different conflicting thoughts he didn't know what to think anymore. This whole thing was just such a mess, there was way too much going on and it was totally freaking him out. He didn't like not having the answer for everything. It made him feel so...useless. 

"I will, just...not yet. I need a bit of time to sort out what I actually want."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"You need to talk to Taeyong." Jungwoo settled himself down on the sofa next to his boyfriend, pausing an episode of Cake Boss he knew fine well the elder wasn't even paying attention to. 

"Why? So he can give me more ultimatums?" 

"It wasn't an ultimatum!" Jungwoo sighed. How come literally every member of his family was stubborn as fuck? "He's just scared. And to be honest I feel the same way."

"You think I should break up with him too?"

Jungwoo sighed. "It's not that easy, Jae. I know you don't just want to throw what the two of you have away but...you're in a relationship with three other people. You need to take our feelings into consideration too."

Jaehyun sighed back. "What about my feelings? What about _his_ feelings?"

"Of course I care about that, it's just... If Ten wants to end things you can't seriously think you and Sicheng are going to work, right? He and Taeyong are hurt that you would even consider that."

Jaehyun hummed to himself. He could see where they were coming from, he really could. He just wasn't ready to give up on Sicheng. And he was pretty sure Ten wasn't either. That he was just being stubborn, as per usual. 

Ten had been _so_ happy since meeting Sicheng. Jaehyun had never expected him to fall for anyone again, to slow himself to open up to anyone again. And he had. He knew how hard that was for his boyfriend and the fact he had fallen head over heels for Sicheng clearly meant something. He couldn't believe Ten would want to throw what they had away over...this. 

They had spent the last five months having a purely romantic relationship; he didn't see why that had to change. They had lasted this long without having sex. If Sicheng's genitalia was really that big of a deal, then why not just keep things the way they were? There was no way Ten had just fallen out of love with Sicheng overnight, so why wouldn't he want to try again? Jaehyun just couldn't wrap his head around that. Love was the most important thing in the world to him, the most amazing, indescribable feeling. Why anyone would pass that up was a mystery to him. 

"I just...I feel bad. I can't break up with him because of who he is, Jungwoo. I know he...kept things from us but like Renjun said, he didn't lie. I don't blame him for not telling us. It was clearly hard for him, and he had every right to be hesitant considering Ten's reaction."

"I know where you're coming from Jae, I really do, but you can't put him before us. We're your family."

"So you're taking their side?"

"Well...yeah." Jungwoo looked down at his fingers. It did feel like they were ganging up on Jaehyun a little and he didn't like it. But this just wouldn't work. It would cause so much friction and that was the last thing he wanted. "Our relationship means everything to me; I don't want anything to come between us."

Jaehyun exhaled through his nose. Jungwoo was right. He shouldn't be putting anyone ahead of them. He liked Sicheng, _a lot_ , but if Ten wanted to end things, then...he would have to as well. It wasn't fair to continue dating his boyfriends ex. 

Maybe Ten would change his mind. Once he'd calmed down a little and really thought about what he wanted, maybe... Maybe he could see just how much he loved Sicheng. No matter what. 

But Jaehyun knew just how stubborn Ten was, so he was preparing himself for the worst. 

It would hurt, a lot. He had only ever broken up with one person in the past, and, well...even though he was the one being taken advantage of, it still hurt. A lot. He would just have to explain to Sicheng that this had nothing to do with his gender identity. That he was valid and that Jaehyun accepted him. Completely. 

"I just feel so bad for him."

"I know you do, sweetie. And I know how much you like him, but maybe it's for the best if you let him go."

"This is such a mess."

"Yeah." Jungwoo honestly wished none of this had happened. He hated confrontation, and he hated when any of them argued, but unfortunately it was part of life. But he knew they could get through just about anything so long as they spoke things out. "Will you talk to Taeyong for me?"

"Sure." Jaehyun couldn't stand the idea of Taeyong being mad at him, or of Ten thinking he didn't matter. He couldn't even put into words how much he cared about the two of them. "I still need to talk to Sicheng, though. We both do."

"Have you texted him?"

"I don't know what to say. What if he doesn't want to see me?"

"All you can do is try. He might not be ready yet, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to leave things like this either."

"I'll try messaging him later." Part of Jaehyun was worried it was too soon, that Sicheng would still be way too hurt or pissed off to even consider seeing him, never mind Ten. But another part of him didn't want to leave things as they were. He wanted Sicheng to at least know that he cared since he didn't get the chance to see him this morning. "And I'll speak to Taeyong. Don't worry."

"Thank you." Jungwoo leaned in to press a kiss to Jaehyun's nose. He knew how hard this was for his boyfriend, but it was hard for all of them. "It'll all work out in the end. One way or the other." 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Chenggie?" 

Sicheng screwed his eyes shut as a tapping came from the door. 

"I made stir fried noodles if you want some. I even went out and got that fancy beef you like."

Sicheng didn't bother to respond. The idea of eating made him feel sick. 

"Sicheng, you haven't eaten all day, can you please just try?"

"I'm not hungry."

He heard Renjun sigh on the other side of the door. He knew his cousin must be beginning to get sick of him. He had barely left his room since yesterday morning, just after he had missed Jaehyun. He had retreated back into there after talking to Renjun and hadn't appeared since. He didn't want to talk anymore. He always managed to time going to the bathroom perfectly, waiting until he knew Renjun was out or asleep. He couldn't bear facing him. 

He couldn't bear face anyone right now. 

"Look, you're starting to worry me. I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me Sicheng."

Sicheng groaned. He knew Renjun cared about him but he was _so_  fucking annoying. Couldn't he just wallow in his own self-pity for a few days? 

"Can you _please_ just leave me alone?" Sicheng pulled the duvet over his head. He was perfectly happy lying in bed doing nothing. Well, maybe not happy, but he much preferred it over getting up and having to talk to his cousin. 

"O-Okay, well, I'll leave you a bowl outside of your door anyway, just in case you change your mind."

Sicheng sighed as he heard Renjun pad off. He felt awful. He knew the younger was only trying to look out for him and he couldn't help but treat him like shit because he was so miserable. 

It had been a couple of days since his and Ten's argument and he still wasn't anywhere near being over it. What Ten had called him it...hurt so much. 

The fact he finally found someone that loved him and that he allowed himself to love back. That was all he had ever wanted. To be loved. And for _that_ person to tell him he was disgusting... It hurt so much more than when we anyone else had said it. And that was a word Sicheng was more than used to hearing. 

Maybe Ten had never really meant it, that he was in love with Sicheng. Maybe it was just something he said. He did have two other boyfriends, after all. Maybe it wasn't possible to be in love with more than one person, maybe it was just something they all said. 

Because...how could you treat someone you're meant to love like that? 

Sicheng knew he should have spoken up sooner, that that was probably the worst way Ten could have found out, that he had issues when it came to sex and that the alcohol wouldn't have helped. But...if Ten really was in love with him, he wouldn't have said that, surely. 

Then again, there was a big part of Sicheng that didn't want to believe that. He wanted to believe that Ten still loved him, that he had just said all of that in a fit of rage, that he didn't actually mean it. 

Because...well, he loved him back. And he missed him. A lot. 

All he was able to think while he'd been lying in bed, avoiding the outside world for the past couple of days, was how much he wished Ten was here with him. How badly he wanted his boyfriend to comfort him, to stroke fingers through his hair and tell him everything was going to be okay. Jaehyun too. He wanted to be snuggled in between the two of them as they told him they loved him no matter what. 

That was _all_  he wanted. 

He wanted his boyfriends back. 

He had sent the two of them a simple text that morning he had finally come home letting them know he was okay, but that was it. They hadn't communicated since. Sicheng had no idea what to say and, well, they clearly didn't want to talk to him either. He wondered if maybe he should try making the first move; but... That wasn't really his style. He was more of a lurking in the shadows feeling sorry for himself until someone finally took pity on him and spoke up first kind of guy. 

Plus, he still felt so incredibly guilty for dishing the dirt on Jaehyun and his boyfriends online. He hadn't even been able to type the models name into google or anything to see if the situation had escalated any further. In fact, every time he thought about Jaehyun he felt physically sick. 

How could he do that to him? No matter how angry he was, that was definitely a step too far. Especially after Jaehyun spent the entire night driving around looking for him. All while he was in someone else's bed. With someone else's dick in him. 

Maybe it really was for the best that neither Ten or Jaehyun had tried to contact him. How the fuck would he explain all of that, anyway? If they hated him now, imagine how much they'd hate him after finding out all of that?

Sicheng groaned to himself, he couldn't even think about it. This was truly the worst thing he had ever done. 

He rolled into his side, pressing the home button of his phone. It was weird, the device he had been so attached to, addicted to, even, now held barely any purpose. He couldn't go on Twitter because he had deleted the app, he couldn't go on Instagram because he was scared of seeing pictures of Ten or Jaehyun enjoying themselves without him, he couldn't go on Tumblr because his entire blog was dedicated to famous models, and well...he knew his dashboard would be 90% Jaehyun. He hadn't even used the blog for months, not feeling the need to repost pictures of his favourite model when he was in a _relationship_ with him. 

He didn't really know what to do with himself anymore. He didn't know who to talk to after having to delete his online persona, terrified the rumours he had spread about Jaehyun would come back to haunt him. And it wasn't like he really had many friends in his university classes to message. 

So, he spent most of his day binge watching whatever tickled his fancy on Netflix. He had tried going for a comedy series, but nothing made him laugh. Tried a horror series, hoping it was scare some feelings into him or something. But still nothing. So he had moved onto documentaries. Mind numbing documentaries about wars he didn't really care about and animals he'd never even heard of. 

They were boring as hell, but at least they took his mind off of everything. And that was exactly what he needed right now. He had done far too much thinking for one day. 

But when he pressed the home button, a notification popped up on the screen, one that made his stomach drop. 

_Jaehyun: Hey, sorry for not messaging you sooner, promise I wasn't ignoring you. Can we meet up with you sometime soon? xx_

Was-

Was this real? Was Jaehyun actually texting him or was his mind playing tricks on him? 

He opened the message, confirming that it was in fact real. Very real. From _the_ Jaehyun Jung with not one but two kisses on the end and everything. 

What did that even mean? Did he still care? Sicheng had wondered if maybe Jaehyun still did, he had come over yesterday, after all. But maybe he was keeping his distance because of Ten. He had drove around looking for him all night, looking for him, right? He must care. Even just a little. But even _thinking_ that scared him. Even giving himself that tiny glimmer of hope was terrifying to him because what if it _wasn't_ true? 

But now- he wasn't so sure. 

Jaehyun wanted to meet up with him, to talk things through, no doubt. And not just Jaehyun, by the looks to it. 'Can _we_  meet up with you?' Surely he meant Ten, right? Ten wanted to meet him? Ten wanted to see him again? But...did _he_  want to see Ten again? Everything was still so raw. Fresh in his mind despite the fact he had drank so much after the whole incident in an attempt to forget. 

But he couldn't. He wasn't sure he'd ever forget the look of sheer disgust on Ten's face. 

Tears pricked at Sicheng's eyes as he thought about his boyfriends. Both of them. He _really_ didn't want to let either of them go. He couldn't. Could he? He had waited for this his entire life and now he'd gotten it twice over. He couldn't just throw that all away without putting up a fight because of a few words. If Ten apologised then he'd accept it. 

He'd accept it and then do everything in his power to make it up to him - to _both_ of them - because fucking look at him. He hadn't eaten, showered or left his room in days. He had barely slept. He hadn't looked at himself lately but no doubt he looked like shit. His skin felt awful and he was sure it was beginning to break out. 

He was a fucking mess without Ten and Jaehyun. They were all he thought about, no matter how hard he tried to push them out, they were _all_ he thought about. 

He had to fight for them. He _needed_ someone to love him, so he _had_ to fight for them. 

He didn't know whether that was completely pathetic or not. Hanging onto someone who had treated him the way Ten had that night. Ten probably didn't even want him anymore. He couldn't really blame him... it's not like anyone had ever wanted him before. Why would that change now? 

But then again, maybe... Maybe he shouldn't even be thinking like this. Maybe he should finally grow a pair (Sicheng inwardly winced at the irony of the phrase) and get some fucking self respect. 

Take Ten back after a mere apology? No! He could do better than that! Well, actually, he wasn't sure he could, but he deserved better than that. Right? If there was one thing Ten had taught him throughout their relationship it was that he deserved to be loved. He should never settle. He should stand up for himself, and make his voice heard. Ten had brought him out of his shell, helped his confidence grow, and, while he may have smashed it down in just a couple of words, maybe it was time to put his new found voice to the test! If there was any time he needed a little self respect it was now.

He shouldn't have to settle for a half-arsed apology. He was worth more than that - he may not always believe it himself, but it was something he had been told over and over by both of his boyfriends in the past few months. He had to prove that he _was_  worth something - no matter what their opinions of him were. If they wanted nothing to do with him, then he could hold his head high (or at least pretend to until he made it home and sobbed into his pillow for hours on end.) Or if they did want to try and work things out, then he would make sure that they _would_ work for it. 

He wanted to be proud of who he was, one day. It had been a struggle so far, but maybe this could be the start. If he couldn't fully accept himself, couldn't love himself, then how the hell was anyone else ever going to love him? Maybe he could use this experience to learn and grow and hopefully because the confident, strong young man he had always dreamed of being. 

He gathered up all of his new found courage to send a text back. There was no way he could pass up this opportunity to see them, no matter the outcome.

_Sicheng: I wasn't ignoring you either, just didn't know where to start. Just let me know the time and place and I'll be there._

Sicheng hesitated for a second. Jaehyun had sent him kisses, should he send some back? He didn't want to come off as presumptuous, but he also didn't want to seem rude. 

Surely Jaehyun wouldn't have sent them if he didn't mean it...right? 

He took a deep breath, deciding he may as well get over himself and just type those two little x's before pressing send. 

_xx_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're going to meet up w Sicheng in the next chapter I PROMISE!! FINALLY!!
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions and bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	17. lattes and apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg it's been FOREVER I'm so sorry but I've been so busy I'm actually in Japan atm visiting my brother ahhhhh but I needed to post this bc it's been killing me!!! 
> 
> As always with this fic, please keep in mind I am writing this from all characters POV - this doesn't mean that I necessarily agree with all of those POV or how someone may react etc, that's just how I genuinely think that specific character would be in said scenario 
> 
> TW: mentions of transphobia, gender dysphoria, PTSD and past abuse

Ten giggled softly as a cold nose nuzzled into the back of his neck. They were both so warm and toasty under the covers it almost gave him goosebumps. 

"You ready for today, sweetie?" Ten sighed as a soft voice rang behind him. He turned over; nose bumping against Jungwoo's frozen one as he came face to face with his best friend. 

He had been sleeping in Jungwoo's bed the last couple of days, not wanting to side with either Jaehyun or Taeyong. The two of them had barely even spoke since their argument over Ten and Sicheng's relationship, and the atmosphere was beginning to get to them all. Which was why Ten and Jungwoo chose to stick things out together. 

Plus, he... He couldn't really cope with the idea of being touched, he didn't even want Jungwoo holding him too tightly at night and he was sleeping in the others bed, for God's sake. He was such a mess, but what had happened that night had really messed with his head. He felt like he was back at square one, unable to trust anyone. Unable to even be intimate with the people he loved...

"I dunno, not really..."

"You don't have to go if you don't want."

Ten and Jaehyun were meant to be meeting up with Sicheng later, and Ten was absolutely terrified. He almost wished he hadn't agreed to it. 

"I don't want to let Jaehyun down."

"This isn't about him."

Jungwoo could see where both of his boyfriends were coming from. He honestly believed that Ten still had feelings for Sicheng and that if they talked things out, apologised and tried to work through their issues they could go back to being very happy together. But he also knew how fragile Ten still was, and he didn't want the dancer just going along with this whole thing because that's what Jaehyun wanted. If Ten wanted to see Sicheng again, then he had to do it for himself, not anyone else. 

"But he still really likes him and I don't want to ruin anyth-"

"Hey." Jungwoo stopped him mid-sentence, fingers coming to rest on his cheeks, cupping Ten's face. "This isn't about him. If you don't want to take Sicheng back, don't. I don't want you agreeing to anything just because it's what Jaehyun wants."

Jungwoo knew how much Ten loved Jaehyun. How he practically idolised him. How he still felt like he owed him. He didn't want the elder getting back into a relationship where he wasn't comfortable just to make Jaehyun happy. 

"B-But what if Jaehyun still wants to be with him and I have to see him all the time and-"

"Not gonna happen." Jungwoo was just as adamant as Taeyong was on this. He couldn't allow Jaehyun to keep on dating Sicheng if Ten didn't want to. It had to be something the three of them all agreed on. "I don't want the fear of that happening swaying your decision. If you want to end things, then end things. Jaehyun will have to let him go too, he can't expect you to be around that."

Ten's eyes wandered down to the opaque aqua stone around Jungwoo's neck. Amazonite. Balance and harmony. Cures irrationality. He took the stone between his index finger and thumb, hoping that maybe it was supply him with some form of clarity. 

"What if... _I_ still want him? What if I'm still in love with him?"

Ten was beginning to wonder whether that was the case. He had found himself missing Sicheng. A lot. Every time an advert for some crime documentary came on TV it made him think of Sicheng. How they'd freak themselves out binge watching serial killer confession tapes. Every time he went to work he couldn't help but see Sicheng's gangly limbs trying to swing around the pole the first time they met. 

And that scared him more than anything else, in a way. He still had trouble expressing emotion, still struggled with having these kind of feelings. 

"Then you have to decide whether you want to try again."

"I just- I don't know if I can-"

"Be intimate with him?"

Ten whispered out a yeah, still playing with the amazonite. Even if he did still feel something for Sicheng, even if he could forgive him and they could build the trust back up. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to go further than kissing, and that was fine in the past, because there was the idea that one day, once they both felt comfortable enough, they'd have this amazing, mind blowing sex. But if that was never going to be on the horizon? Then what was the point?

"Well, you don't have to be. Me and T-"

"I know you and Taeyong aren't. But I'm not like that. I don't know if I can live like that. I can't even keep out of your pants and we aren't together."

Jungwoo chuckled lowly. Okay, that was true... He loved Ten; he really did, just not romantically. They were best friends, which, honestly, was a really nice thing to have in a relationship like theirs. But...they liked to fuck on the odd occasion too. Who could blame them, though? They had really good sex. 

"It's not that weird. Me and Taeyong show our love for one another in different ways."

"And that works for you, but I don't think it could for me." Sex was a big deal for Ten, and yeah, when someone new was involved it absolutely terrified him. But he loved it. _Now_ he loved it. There was nothing better than being so intimate with someone you loved that it felt like you were the only two, or three, people that mattered in that moment. He loved staring deep into someone's eyes as they took him to a whole new level of pleasure. He loved this kisses and the cuddles and the hushed  _'I love you's'_ as they came down from their orgasms in tandem. 

He loved sex. And he wasn't sure he could be in a relationship that didn't involve it.

But that wasn't all that worried him. 

"What... What if _he_ hates _me?_ " That was something else that absolutely terrified Ten. His feelings when it came to Sicheng were still so jumbled, but he wasn't self-centred enough to pretend that he wasn't the one in the wrong here - what he had said was just...awful. He couldn't blame Sicheng for being mad at him. For not wanting anything to do with him. Ten was pretty sure that if anyone had treated him the way he had Sicheng, he would never want to see them again. Not even to try and make things right. 

"You need to apologise, no matter what. Whether you want to continue this relationship or not, you need to apologise to him."

Ten nodded, he knew that. He got it now.... Kind of. It still hurt his head a little when he thought about it, the whole transgender thing. He knew it might not be something he'd ever truly understand, because he had never experienced what Sicheng did on a daily basis, but he could definitely empathise with the whole hating yourself thing. He had been there. 

And he'd only made it worse. Sicheng loved him, or, at least that's what he had said. Ten still wasn't sure whether that was true or not, but he kind of hoped it was. 

Sicheng loved him and he had said the most disgusting things to him... That- That was what he had called him. Disgusting. He called a boy who was in love with him, who _he_ loved, disgusting for something he couldn't control. For something that wasn't his fault. Disgusting and a freak. Sicheng was neither of those things. He was just...a little different to anyone Ten had ever met before.

Ten nuzzled further into Jungwoo's t-shirt. He didn't like thinking about this. He didn't like thinking about what an asshole he was. He had tried so hard to change but... Maybe he'd never change. Maybe he'd always be poisonous. 

"I know that, I will. I feel terrible for what I said to him. I was just so... Like, of all the ways for me to find out." Ten groaned, forcing the tears back. He didn't want to cry over this again. "I think I still would have reacted badly if he had just sat be down and told me. I would have still been confused and hurt that he'd been keeping this from me, but... It was the sex thing that tipped me over the edge, you know? That's why I exploded the way I did."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me." Jungwoo pressed a soft kiss to Ten's forehead. He got it, he did. He didn't agree with what Ten had said to Sicheng. He didn't agree with how he reacted. And he _definitely_ didn't agree with how he had reacted himself when he found out. But he could see why it had happened. Ten was still struggling with his own demons, and just about all of those demons were sex-related. Jungwoo could see how the combination of almost giving himself up to Sicheng and alcohol ending in Ten having a complete breakdown. PTSD was unpredictable. It didn't fully excuse Ten's actions, but he also felt like he couldn't totally hold Ten responsible. 

"I know it was an awful situation, and if he had just told you in advance this never would have happened, but it did. And now you have to try and make amends, even if you don't want to be with him. You have to deal with the consequences of your actions and let him know you didn't mean what you said. Okay?"

Ten sniffled against Jungwoo's chest. Sometimes he felt like Jungwoo was the most level headed one in their family, not Taeyong. The makeup artist was fairly care free and usually just went with the flow, but he gave the best advice, and he always had everyone's best interests at heart. Ten absolutely loved that about him. He wished he was more like Jungwoo and less like himself. 

"Even if he doesn't totally hate me, and he accepts my apology or whatever... I feel like getting back with him would cause tension no matter what. I don't want to ruin things with Taeyong."

Jungwoo hummed, he knew exactly what Ten meant. 

"I think the tension would fade pretty easily. I've been talking to Yonggie about it a lot and he doesn't dislike Sicheng or anything. Yeah, he's mad that he didn't tell you, but he's more mad at Jaehyun for being so blinded by love and not seeing the bigger picture." Focusing on the tiniest of details was one of Jaehyun's biggest flaws. He never took everything into account. He had serious tunnel vision, especially when it came to a new boyfriend. "He just wants you to be happy, baby."

Ten smiled softly. That was all Taeyong ever wanted. Not just for him, but for all of them. For Jaehyun when he first met Jungwoo, and then again when he met Ten. For Jungwoo with his whole Doyoung situation. And now for Ten with Sicheng. Taeyong was so selfless. Ten wondered if _he_ was truly happy. He hoped so. 

"I just want him to be happy too. I want all of us to be...I'm just scared getting back with Sicheng could ruin that."

"It won't." Jungwoo hesitantly wrapped his arms tighter around Ten, pulling the elder into his chest. He knew Ten had been a little flighty when it came to human contact recently, but the elder looked like he needed a hug. And he did. "No matter what you pick will be the right decision, and we're gonna support you either way. Okay? It might be a little tough at first, but we'll get through it."

Jungwoo pressed a kiss to fluffy black hair. He wanted Ten to follow his heart, to make the decision that was best for him. If he decided that he didn't want to continue things with Sicheng, then Jaehyun would have to get over him. He would have to put his family first and power on through the heartbreak. But, if Ten did decide to give it another go, then Taeyong would have to lower his defences a little. He'd have to let Sicheng in and let Ten do this his own way. He was an adult, after all. 

But they would get through it. Jungwoo knew that. They had been through a hell of a lot worse together and always came out the other side smiling. 

They were gonna be fine. No matter what. 

"We always do, sweetie."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Hey."

Taeyong didn't bother turning around, preoccupied with cutting up a banana for his morning smoothie. 

"Hi."

"I'm sorry."

Okay, so, that made him turn around. It had been nearly three days since his and Jaehyun's argument. Nearly three days since they spoke to one another. That was probably the longest they'd went in the six years they'd been together. 

"For what?"

Jaehyun sighed. He knew Taeyong would have wanted him to say it. 

"For being stupid, and selfish. You were right. I would never choose Sicheng over Ten, or any of you. You guys are everything to me."

Taeyong smiled softly, he hated how Jaehyun still managed to make him blush. 

"I know how much you like him, Peaches, but we're all in this together."

Jaehyun smiled back sadly. He knew that, and now he'd had time to think about it, he knew that he had to prepare himself for the possibility of losing Sicheng if Ten didn't want to try again. He couldn't date his boyfriend's ex-boyfriend. That would never work. It wasn't fair on Ten and he was sure Taeyong and Jungwoo would take the dancers side. The last thing he wanted was this coming between them. 

"Can I have a hug?"

Taeyong wiped his hands clean on a tea towel, not wanting to get fruit juice all over his boyfriend before wrapping his arms around the younger's waist. 

"I'm sorry too, for shouting. I should have tried to explain things better instead of just getting angry."

Jaehyun nuzzled into Taeyong's hair, pulling the elder in closer. Taeyong-hugs always made him feel better. 

"Good luck for later." Taeyong knew today was the day he and Ten were going to meet up with Sicheng. He honestly had no idea what was going to come of it, Ten still seemed so torn. "No matter what happens we're gonna be here for you."

Jaehyun was actually pretty scared himself. This could be the last time he ever saw Sicheng and that really wasn't what he wanted. But if Ten couldn't trust him enough to carry on dating, then he knew he had to let him go. He couldn't risk ruining all of his relationships, couldn't risk ripping his family apart for one person. 

"Thanks, Cupcake." Jaehyun pressed a soft kiss to platinum hair. "I love you."

"Love you too, baby."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Ten's fingers tightened around Jaehyun's under the table. This was a bad idea. He wasn't ready. He couldn't cope with seeing Sicheng again. Not yet. 

He tried to steady his breathing, not wanting to full on hyperventilate in the middle of a cafe where people were already glancing their way because they recognised Jaehyun. He just wanted his boyfriend to hug him, kiss him, anything to calm his nerves but...he couldn't. They couldn't risk people taking pictures, couldn't risk any rumours being spread. 

"You okay Princess?"

Ten shook his head. He was absolutely bricking it. He wasn't good at apologies, nor was he good at holding his tongue. What if he apologised just to say something even worse when the anger began to bubble up in his chest again? What if he burst out crying in front of all of these people because it all got too much for him? Because the boy he thought he was in love with had hidden something huge from him for months? 

"It's gonna be fine. You don't have to talk much if you don't want, and we'll leave whenever you're ready and-"

"Can we leave now?"

"Ten, come on." Jaehyun sighed, squeezing his boyfriends hand back. "You can do this."

"I can't-" Ten shook his head more vigorously, chest beginning to tighten. "Please, I just want to go home and I can't see him, I can't-"

"Hi."

Ten's breath froze in his lungs as someone barely whispered the greeting. 

 _Sicheng_. 

He was here. 

Ten couldn't even bring himself to look up. He couldn't bear seeing him again, too afraid of how he'd react. He really wished they had done this in a more private place, but Jaehyun was worried Sicheng would feel cornered if they invited him over to theirs. 

"Hey, how are you?"

Ten could hear the smile on Jaehyun's lips, as if nothing had happened. 

"I-I'm okay." 

He could also hear the hesitation in Sicheng's voice. The lie. It broke his heart a little. If only he'd been able to pick up on when he was hiding things sooner. 

"We just kind of wanted to talk about...everything."

Ten could just about make out a faint humming; assuming Sicheng must have nodded his head. He wanted to look up. He really did. He wanted to see Sicheng again. Wanted to look at his face but...

He'd just have to bite the bullet and look at him sometime. He couldn't spend the entire day counting stray bits of sugar on the table. 

Ten whimpered as he finally cast his eyes up. Sicheng was looking directly at him, as if he'd been waiting. His eyes looked different. Like, sad-different. He'd never seen Sicheng look sad before and it made his stomach twist. He didn't like it. 

He needed to apologise.

"I'm-"

"I'm really sorry." Sicheng's voice cracked as he cut Ten off. God he had missed Ten so much. Sure, he was still angry about what the elder had called him, but he had fallen so hard for him he was finding it hard to get back up. He needed Ten in his life and he'd gone and well and truly fucked everything up. "A-About lying to you. I just...I didn't know how to tell you."

Ten furrowed his eyebrows as his gazed travelled a little further south, locking on Sicheng's chest. The fear and pity seemed to dissipate as anger took its place. Didn't know how to tell him?Seriously? There were hundreds of chances. When Ten poured his heart out. Before Sicheng had gone down on him. Before they almost had sex. Before they were even together. But no, he left it til the very worst moment. 

Sicheng pulled his jacket tighter around himself as he realised what Ten was staring at, as his face changed. Eyes going from soft and watery to narrowed. 

Maybe Ten didn't still love him. Maybe he shouldn't have worn his heart on his sleeve just now. 

"You didn't know how to tell me? Are you for real?" Ten's fingers tightened around Jaehyun's, causing the younger to flinch slightly. "I told you _everything_ , Sicheng. I _trusted_  you. I told you things about my past that I've been too scared to even admit to my therapist and you...couldn't even tell me this huge secret you've been hiding from me?"

"I was just scared of how you'd react." Sicheng shuffled in his seat slightly, wondering if what he was about to say was a good idea or not. He'd been modelling himself on Ten a little lately, which meant he wasn't quite as afraid to bite back anymore. However, biting back against Ten may be a whole other story. "And rightly so."

Ten winced. He didn't like the idea of Sicheng being right about him in that way. He didn't like that his boyfriend thought he would react negatively and that he did live up to that expectation. 

But how else did Sicheng expect him to act in a situation like that? He was drunk and confused. He knew now that he shouldn't have said what he did. But the entire episode triggered a PTSD related panic attack. It wasn't just something he could have shrugged his shoulders at and gotten over in the middle of hyperventilating. 

He could feel rage bubbling in his chest as he thought about that night - about how he felt. But he counted to three, trying to calm himself down because he needed to remember he wasn't the only one hurt by this. That, in the heat of the moment, as alcohol coursed through his veins and old memories replayed in his mind, Sicheng was going through the same thing. That he was drunk too. That people had probably had similar reactions to him in the past. 

Ten couldn't help but think about himself, about his own emotions, but he was trying his hardest to be a more empathetic person. He knew he wasn't the only person in the world with problems, and he knew that Sicheng was hurting too. 

Over the past few days he had spent hours on end trawling through the internet, looking on forums, reading articles written by other transgender people. He had gone out of his way to try and understand what Sicheng was going through. To figure out why he had hidden this for so long. He wanted to understand what it meant to be transgender, he really did. Even if he and Sicheng didn't stay together, he still wanted to know, to avoid anything like this happening in the future. He didn't want to offend people because of his lack of knowledge. He didn't want to be an asshole. He was trying his hardest to be a better person, and sometimes that took research. 

He was still a bit confused, if he was being perfectly honest. It was something he had never felt himself - and relating to the experiences of others was something he had always found difficult. 

But he really could understand why Sicheng didn't want to tell him. He hadn't realised what a huge deal it was at the time, but he did now. At least, he thought he did. He had read news article after news article about transgender people who had been bullied, beaten or even _killed_ because of their identity. And that broke his heart. No one deserved that, especially not for something they had no control over. He had suffered abuse at the hands of countless men in the past because of a situation he had no control over. 

His and Sicheng's stories were very different, but maybe they had a lot of similarities. Maybe Sicheng had been through something similar. He hoped to god that wasn't true, but...he wasn't going to assume everything had been rainbows and violins for the younger. 

"I-" Ten squeezed Jaehyun's hand harder. Apologies really weren't his strong suit, but he had to do this. "I shouldn't have said what I did. I know that you...didn't lie. I know that you're a boy, now I do, but at the time I- I had-Sorry."

Ten cleared his throat. Why couldn't he get his fucking words out? 

"That night I was just...confused and drunk. And hurt. I felt like you'd lied to me and I didn't understand that- I had never heard of transgender people before and I just- I didn't get it but I-"

He glanced up at Jaehyun for help. He couldn't seem to explain himself. 

"We helped educate him, right, Princess?"

Ten nodded. That's what he meant. 

"I should never have said what I did. And I'm sorry, I really am. You're not...disgusting. Or any of those other things I said. And I know you aren't a girl, so I'm sorry for misgendering you. I know that's not how being transgender works and stuff I just- I exploded. And I'm _so_ sorry."

Sicheng's lips parted. He had come here with the intention of- Well, he wasn't even sure. He had tried to keep his confidence levels up and keep his head held high, but as soon as he saw the two of them sat there everything changed. He just wanted them back and he was kind of willing to do anything to get them. 

But... Maybe he wouldn't have to just settle. Maybe speaking his mind had actually worked. Maybe he could get the apology he so desperately needed _and_  get his boyfriends back. Maybe he didn't have to sacrifice his own mental health to be with them. Maybe...maybe things would actually work out for him. 

"Y-You are?"

"Yeah! I know I was a complete dick and you didn't deserve that, so I'm sorry. I just- I lashed out and I shouldn't have."

Sicheng's breath shuddered. That's all he wanted, an apology, never mind a sincere apology. Ten seemed like he genuinely meant it. Like he had actually taken the time to think about his mistake and educate himself on how to correct his actions in the future. 

And that meant so fucking much to Sicheng. 

"I was just- How it happened-"

"I-I know, I shouldn't have just...sprung it on you like that. I know you've been through a lot and I should have said something before- Before it got to that." Sicheng pulled his sleeves down over his hands, not knowing what to do with them - a motion that made Ten's heart drop. That was exactly what Jungwoo used to do. He prayed that Sicheng hadn't hurt himself. Not because of something he had done. "And I'm sorry for that. I never should have put you in that position."

"So why did you? Why did you let things go that far?" Ten's eyebrows raised as Jaehyun spoke up, he honestly hadn't expected his boyfriend to be on his side once he saw Sicheng. He knew how badly the younger wanted them all to stay together. "Did you not trust us enough?"

Sicheng swallowed. Deeply. He knew he would have to explain himself, he just wasn't sure how. He wasn't sure they'd understand. In fact, he was fairly sure they wouldn't. 

"I did! It's not that I didn't trust you, it's just- This is going to sound really stupid to you both because you're...not me, but- You made me happy. Really happy. You made me feel normal, and...loved." Jaehyun smiled sadly at how melancholy Sicheng's voice sounded. He knew no one had ever said those three words to the younger before Ten. "I know I should have said something earlier, and it was selfish for me not to, but I was scared of ruining things. I've never felt like this about anyone before, and no one's ever loved me back, but...I guess I've gone and done that anyway."

Ten felt himself tense up as Sicheng's eyes glassed over. He really didn't like seeing him cry. 

"This sounds so dumb, but like- I was just a guy with a boyfriend, and that's all I had ever wanted and that night it was just like everything was so perfect and we were finally gonna- And I- It just didn't cross my mind and I know that sounds insane, but it was like nothing else mattered when I was with you. Like all of my problems disappeared whenever I was with you."

Ten wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. Taeyong had suggested that maybe Sicheng had just forgotten, and Ten had found that incredibly hard to believe. Who just _forgot_ they hadn't told their boyfriend they were transgender to the point that they were just about to sleep together? Who just _forgot_ what was in their pants? 

But...when Sicheng put it like that, Ten could actually see where he was coming from. Because it sounded all too familiar. 

When he first let himself fall for Taeyong, it was like nothing else mattered. It was like all of the demons in his head were pushed to the back of his mind because he had something else to focus on. Something, or rather, someone, that actually made him happy. Of course it was stupid and naïve to think that love and romance could heal anything, his problems still existed, but it made things a bit more bearable. It gave him hope that things could be better. 

And that sounded a lot like what Sicheng was saying. That being with Ten made him feel better about himself. That those moments they spent together made everything stop hurting, even just for bit. 

"I know you probably don't believe me and think I'm making excuses, but I didn't do this maliciously, Ten, I just-"

"No." Sicheng flinched a little as Ten cut him off. Here it comes. He was going to get screamed at in the middle of this quiet cafe. "I...I get it."

Sicheng and Jaehyun both looked over at Ten, eyebrows raised. He got it? Really? They had both been expecting another fully blown kick off, but- Wow. 

"You do?"

Ten nodded at Jaehyun. "Yeah, I mean. It's not the same, but... I know how falling in love can make you forget all of the shit out have going on, even if it's just for a for a little while. How it can act as a distraction for all of the other shut going on in your life because at least you have this one little pocket of happiness. I don't totally understand how you could just forget what you- You know, have, because I don't have that pro-" Ten stopped himself, not knowing whether referring to Sicheng's genitalia as 'a problem' would be offensive or not. He decided to err on the side of caution and change his phrasing. He really was trying. "I'm not in your position, but...I do know how that feels. To an extent."

Sicheng blinked a couple of times. He really hadn't expected Ten to be so empathetic. He had almost expected another argument, another slew of verbal insults. But...Ten seemed to understand where he was coming from. He knew how it felt to want to cling onto any little bit of happiness you get your hands on. 

"I wish you had have told us before it got to...that, because I trusted you enough to tell you everything. You knew how difficult it is for me to open up sexually, and the fact you left it until we were in bed together for me to find out really fucked me up, Sicheng. I haven't been able to let anyone touch me since, because it-" Ten stared up at the ceiling, willing the tears away because he wasn't going to cry. "I don't know why, it just brought back a whole load of memories and I just-"

Sicheng's heart wrenched as he watched Ten curl in on himself. He knew that it was the worst possible way for him to come out to the dancer. He never wanted to upset him, and he definitely never wanted to be like any of the men that had hurt him in the past. 

"But..." Ten sniffled. He wanted Sicheng to know that this had affected him too, but he was trying his hardest not to be completely self-centred. "I also wish it had never happened that way because I regret how I acted towards you. I know saying sorry won't fix things but...I am."

"I really appreciate that." Sicheng hadn't gotten many apologies over the years, especially not from people he had been intimate with, so he genuinely did appreciate that Ten had taken time to try and understand his situation, and that he was at least trying to change his mind-set. "And I'm sorry too, for putting you in that situation. I know it might not help if...I've triggered you in anyway. But that was never my intention."

Jaehyun smiled to himself as he watched the two of them. Ten's grip on his hand had loosened considerably, and he had noticed the way his shoulders had relaxed, finally letting his guard down. Sicheng was the same; Jaehyun could swear he almost had a subtle smile on his lips. The two of them still had feelings for each other, that much he knew. 

He just wasn't sure either of them could come back from this. He hoped to god they could, that the damage hadn't already been done, but it felt too early to even approach the subject. 

But then again, maybe he had to give them both a little nudge in the right direction. 

"So..." Jaehyun started, forcing Ten and Sicheng to look away from each other for the first time in what felt like forever. Ten shook his head, he had this annoying habit of getting lost in Sicheng's eyes and he couldn't believe that it had happened again. "Where do we go from here?"

Ten shifted a little, tensing back up almost instantly. He knew exactly what Jaehyun was hinting at, but... He wasn't sure if he was ready for that. 

He did still have feelings for Sicheng, he knew that. He couldn't just turn that off. Over the past few months, he had been happier than he ever had been - and he wasn't even sure how that was possible. He thought he had everything before Sicheng; he had Taeyong and Jaehyun and of course Jungwoo, and it wasn't like anything was missing before, but he had this whole other reason to smile and- When he put it like that...he really did miss Sicheng. It had only been a matter of days and he genuinely did miss spending time with him. 

But he still felt like Sicheng had betrayed his trust in a way, and it was going to take some time before he could fully get over the events of that night. 

He had left the house this morning with the intention of apologising and calling it a day, that initial anger still bubbling under the surface. But now, now that he had seen Sicheng in person again, now that he could see with his own two eyes just how much what he had said was affecting the younger, his heart couldn't help but go out to him. And he couldn't ignore the feelings he still had for Sicheng. 

"I- I don't know. I guess that depends what we all want."

Sicheng's eyes widened a little. What was Ten saying? Did he still want them to be together? Did he want to try again? 

"D-Do you mean like...as boyfriends?" Sicheng was scared to even ask; scared they would shoot him down when he had the slightest glimmer of things being okay. 

Jaehyun's eyes flickered between the two of them. He knew what he wanted, but he honestly had no idea what Ten did. The younger hadn't been able to make his mind up, but he had a feeling Ten was still swaying towards the idea of being done with Sicheng once and for all - now the apologies were out of the way. If there was one thing Ten was, it was stubborn. Jaehyun knew fine well Ten still had feelings for Sicheng; he could see it in his boyfriend's eyes whenever he looked at the blonde. Even now. Even after everything. But he honestly wouldn't put it past Ten to break things off with Sicheng anyway, just to prove a point or something. He didn't like to contradict himself, and Jaehyun wasn't sure if he'd be able to be mature enough to realise he'd made a mistake and go back on his word. 

"Jae," Ten turned to his boyfriend, fingers slackening as he let go of Jaehyun's hand, "could you...give us a moment?"

Ten knew Jaehyun wanted to stay with Sicheng, but he still wasn't sure what was for the best, so he wanted to do this without the model there. He wanted to do this on his own. 

"You sure?" Jaehyun quirked an eyebrow. That sounded...like a recipe for disaster. 

"Positive." Ten nodded his head. He had to do this on his own. It wasn't often he had difficult conversations without someone guiding or protecting him. Or made his own decisions without someone else helping him figure out what was going on in his head. But today, that was exactly what he wanted to do. He had already grown so much in the past week; educating himself about a world he had never even heard of, why stop there? He could finally grow and develop into a person his boyfriends would be proud of. Someone who...he could be proud of. Someone he didn't totally hate. He had to do this on his own. 

He just had to. 

"Okay, Princess." Jaehyun gave Ten's had one last little squeeze, fighting the urge to kiss him in public. "I'll go get another drink."

Sicheng's jaw clenched as Jaehyun left. Why did being left alone with Ten make him so nervous? Only days ago there was nothing he loved more than the two of them having no one but each other to keep them company, no interruptions as they giggled along to some dumb YouTube video or hit up the arcade to see who would get the best score in Dance Dance Revolution. 

But now...his heart was beating heavy in his chest. Jaehyun being here felt a little like he had a bodyguard or something. Someone who stood on more neutral ground - who had tried his hardest to help Sicheng that night, and had apologised as soon as he could the very next day, even if it was to his cousin. But he had been with Ten for so long. He loved him so much. Jaehyun had said on more than one occasion that he was going to protect Ten no matter what, and Sicheng whole heartedly believed that. 

So Jaehyun being here felt like a bit of a buffer. Like he would actually be able to stop Ten kicking off this time, considering the elder wasn't drunk. But...now he was gone. And Sicheng was a little scared. 

Scared Ten was going to retract everything he said now his boyfriend was gone. Maybe he was just saying all the right things to make Jaehyun happy. Maybe he was just trying to look like the bigger person in front of his boyfriend, but he genuinely did still think Sicheng was just a disgusting little girl that had lied to him. Maybe he was going to tell Sicheng exactly what he thought of him. And that terrified him - the idea of Ten genuinely being that person. He was scared it wasn't the alcohol or the situation that made Ten lose it like he did. He was scared that was just who Ten was. 

But he was also scared Ten had sent Jaehyun away so he could break up with him, maybe because Jaehyun didn't want to do it himself. Ten was the more straight to the point one. The one who didn't have a problem with saying that was on his mind, as Sicheng had recently discovered. So maybe that's why Ten wanted a little one on one time. They were breaking up with him. He should have seen this coming, really. 

"Sicheng-"

"I miss you." Sicheng blurted out, before even realising his lips had moved. Fuck. Now he was going to look really fucking pathetic if Ten was going to stick the dagger in and break up with him. But...well, it was true. He was trying out that whole strong, confident trans boy thing he had promised himself the day Jaehyun had texted him to meet. But it was hard. Really hard. Especially when the last thing he was was confident. It wasn't exactly something he could fake. 

But he did miss Ten. Like, really missed him. 

"Y-You do?"

"Yeah, I-" Sicheng took a deep breath. "What you said hurt me, you know that, and it made me question whether you really did ever love me bec-"

"I did, I-" Ten stopped himself before he said _'I do'_ , because it felt too forward, especially considering he had no idea where Sicheng was going with this. "I don't just say that if I don't mean it."

"Just let me speak, yeah?" Ten nodded, suppressing a smirk. This Sicheng was a far cry from the timid, shy boy he first met in the strip club. He liked how far he had come. 

Sicheng took another deep breath and started again, needing to get this off his chest. 

"It made me question whether you ever did really love me because- I dunno, I just felt like you'd love me no matter what. And I understand that you were in shock and that it was a really shitty way for you to find out and everything but... I guess I never expected you to speak to me like that, and that's why it hurt so much. Maybe I had built up this romanticised idea of what would happen when I did come out to you, and cause you said you loved me I expected you to welcome me with open arms, but...you-"

"I was a complete dickhead?"

Sicheng laughed under his breath. That was one way of putting it. 

"Last week, after everything happened, all I could think about was how much I missed you and Jaehyun. You know, once the initial anger passed, the self-loathing came. And before, I could always come over to yours if I felt shitty and we'd just lie around doing nothing but I absolutely loved that because for once, I didn't feel alone. I felt normal. I actually had someone he loved me and I- I'd never had that before. Not in a romantic sense."

Ten hated the way his stomach kept twisting whenever Sicheng said something like that because he knew that feeling all too well. He hated the idea of Sicheng being in the same boat as he was. 

"I just, like- I don't even know what I'm trying to say." Sicheng sighed. His mind was a mess. "I missed you. Both of you. A lot. To the point where I was like _'fuck it, I'd take them both back in a heartbeat without even the smallest apology.'_ That's how much you both mean to me. And I really am sorry for how things happened, but...I can't just let you off and pretend nothing happened. Because it did. And you hurt me a lot."

"Yeah..." Ten sighed. He knew that. He could see that. 

"And...I think I might be worth more than that, Ten."

Ten's lips parted. Wow. He had never heard Sicheng say anything like that about himself before - he was usually the one telling the younger than he was worthy of being loved.

But Sicheng was right.

"You are, you...deserve the world."

Sicheng felt his cheeks heat up. He missed the way Ten made him feel, like he actually mattered, and that's why it hurt so much when he called him all of those names. When he said he was disgusting - Ten's opinion meant so much to him, and...

It was something he had always thought himself. He knew his body was disgusting. If he could chop his breasts off without bleeding to death then he would in a heartbeat, but unfortunately he was going to have to wait until he could afford to pay for surgery. 

So, yeah, he did think he was disgusting, but hearing someone else say it. Someone who was meant to love him. That really fucking hurt.

But they had so many good times together and Ten made him feel so happy, he wanted that back. Desperately. He _needed_ it. He needed to be loved.

He needed Ten to love him.

"Look, I don't know what it is you want, so I'm just gonna say something that's probably totally crazy and will end up making me look really fucking stupid but... I don't want to lose you. Or Jaehyun."

Ten swallowed. Sicheng still wanted to be with them? He...he honestly wasn't sure which way this was going to go, but that initial reaction was butterflies setting off in his stomach? What did that mean? Did he want to try again too? Was he ready for that? 

Coming here today he was dead set on apologising for what he had said to Sicheng and nothing more. He was determined to cut the younger out of his life for good, and hoped to god that Jaehyun would choose him, choose his family, but...

Seeing him again, hearing his voice again- All of those feelings came flooding back. The laughter, the joy, the...love. They had been so happy before. He had found someone who loved him for who he was, for his personality, not his body. He didn't want to be labelled a hypocrite for breaking up with Sicheng over something he himself hated being judged on. He wanted to see Sicheng as a person, as the sarcastic eye rolls and that adorable toothy smile and the sweet nothings he'd whisper in Ten's ear as they drifted off watching some generic romance movie. 

He couldn't break up with him because of what was in his pants, but...how could he be with someone with those...parts? That was still a bone of contention for him. That just wasn't what he was into. He was attracted to boys - and Sicheng was a boy, he got that now - but he was attracted to boy parts too, and he wasn't sure he could ever be intimate with someone like him. And he also wasn't sure he could be in a relationship that didn't involve sex. It was still a big part of his life. 

Then there were his trust issues. Sicheng had really hurt him, that night had triggered his PTSD, after months of feeling like maybe things were finally getting better. He hadn't been able to sleep alone since the incident, curling up in Jungwoo's bed, hugging one of the younger's pillows close to his chest because the entire thing had freaked him out so much he didn't even want a proper cuddle. How pathetic was that? He couldn't sleep alone but he didn't want anyone to touch him either. He was such a mess...and he hated being like this. He really did. He wished he could just get over everything that had happened to him and go about his life as normal without letting every little thing affect him. 

But he couldn't. And even though he knew he was in the wrong, and that he should never have treated Sicheng like that, he wasn't sure he could just get over this either. 

"I- I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure what I want. I-" Ten shifted in his seat, anxiety peaking now his safety blanket Jaehyun had left. But he had to learn to cope with things on his own. "I was really happy with you, and I loved what we had I'm just- I know you didn't outright lie to me, I get that, I really do. I just...I'm scared I can't trust you anymore."

Ten's heart wrenched as Sicheng's face fell. Maybe he shouldn't have said that. But it was true. That's how he felt. He had opened up to Sicheng about so much and then...this happened. It was so difficult for him to open up to people, fo let his walls down. He had trusted Sicheng with his entire life and it was like that had been completely shattered now. 

"You can..." Sicheng's voice was small, pushing the fact he had revealed their biggest secret online just days ago. Neither of them had mentioned anything though, so maybe it didn't have much of an impact. God he hoped so. He knew how much Ten had struggled over the past few years, and he didn't want to be the one that made things worse for him. But maybe it was already too late for that. "I swear, you can."

"I want to." Ten smiled to himself, avoiding Sicheng's gaze. He wasn't a total cynic anymore. He believed in love now. Now that it was something he had actually experienced for himself. And he knew that relationships took work, a little give and take. "Cause...I miss you too."

That was the truth. He couldn't hide from this anymore. He wasn't going to throw this away just because of that one incident. Assuming that's what Sicheng wanted too, of course. 

Sicheng couldn't help but smile. He knew a lot had happened between them, but he was willing to leave it in the past, so long as Ten changed his mind-set, and never said anything like that again. 

"So...can we try again?"

Ten mirrored Sicheng's smile, unable to stop himself. The initial anger he had been holding onto before seeing Sicheng had since dissipated after talking to his boyfriend. He was even still referring to him as his boyfriend in his head. In the past he would have done anything to avoid actually talking to people about his problems because it seemed easier just to ignore them, but clearly that wasn't true. Talking things out really did help. 

"If- If that's what you want too. Can you...forgive me for what I said?"

"I can." Sicheng took a shaky breath. "I can see that you've really tried to understand and that you know what you said was wrong."

Ten's apology seemed so sincere too. Sicheng knew how stubborn he was, and that he definitely wasn't the type of person to apologise for the sake of it. He actually doubted Ten said he was sorry very often. 

"But...I need to promise me you've changed. That you'll never say anything like that to me again. Cause I can't hear that again. Not from you."

"No!" Ten sat up straight, arms folding on the table in front of him. "I won't, I swear. I was just drunk and I said it in the heat of the moment and-"

"And what about the next time we have an argument? You're not going to call me a tranny again?"

"No..." Ten's eyebrows knitted together. Now he knew what that word meant, how harmful it was, he would never say that to Sicheng. Hell, he would never say that to anyone, no matter how he felt about them. "I understand why that was wrong now. Why everything I said was wrong. I wouldn't throw that back in your face, Sicheng."

Ten knew exactly how it felt when someone picked away at your biggest insecurities. He wasn't going to do that to someone else. 

"I'm trying to grow and...be a better person. I don't want to be such an asshole all the time and-"

"You're not."

"I _am_. I know I am." Ten cast his eyes back down to the table. Why was opening up so fucking hard? "And I don't want to be that person anymore. I know I'm not totally there, and there's probably still a lot I need to learn, but I am trying Sicheng. I really am."

Sicheng smiled softly, fingers twitching, desperate to intertwine with Ten's on the table in front of him, but he wasn't sure if it was too soon. 

"Hey..." Fuck it. Sicheng's fingers ghosted against Ten's, silently asking permission to be held. Ten flinched a little at the sudden contact, before allowing his fingers to splay out. "I know you are, I can see that. And it means a lot to me that you're making an effort, so thanks."

Ten's eyes focused on his fingers, on the way Sicheng's curled around his own. He let himself grip a little tighter, lips quirking up at the corners. 

"I kinda missed holding your hand." Ten admitted voice barely above a whisper. Sicheng's fingers were so long and slender, the felt so different laced with his own than Jaehyun's or Taeyong's did. 

"Me too." Sicheng practically giggled, a kaleidoscope of butterflies setting off in his stomach. How did something so simple make him so giddy? He stroked his thumb over the back of Ten's hand. They always felt so tiny in his own and he loved it. His eyebrows furrowed a little as he focused on Ten's nails, however. They were usually perfectly manicured, and something Ten took pride in and was very particular about, but today they were a mess, he had clearly been biting them. "I really don't want to lose you. Either of you."

Ten looked back up at Sicheng. At his boyfriend. He didn't want to lose him either. They didn't want to miss out on the chance to have someone else that loved him. Someone else that he loved. They had been so happy up until that incident, and Ten still wasn't sure whether he could be intimate with Sicheng, but...Sicheng was a boy. He understood that now. And he was a really cute boy. A really cute boy that made him smile and whose kisses made him melt and had the ability to forgive him for all of the shitty things he had said and done. 

How could he possibly let him go over something as trivial as what was in his pants? They hadn't slept together yet and they had been happy, so why couldn't that continue? Maybe...maybe he could be so madly in love with someone that it would even matter. That he could look past that and love Sicheng for who he was, not his genitalia. And he did want that, he wanted to accept Sicheng, but realistically it was going to take time for him to come to terms with everything and fully understand it. He was still learning, and he wanted to keep learning. 

"I...don't want to lose you either." Ten laughed under his breath, surprising himself by actually saying those words. This morning he was so adamant that this wasn't going to happen, but even he wasn't stubborn enough to deny himself a shot at happiness. "I think I...need you."

"I think I need you too."

He and Sicheng has this...connection. They had both been through a lot, both found it difficult to look in the mirrors, to come to terms with who they are. They had both allowed men to use them in one way or another. They were both insecure and unsure of their emotions. And they were both desperate to be loved. 

Their stories were completely different, Sicheng felt things Ten couldn't fully understand and Ten had been through things Sicheng couldn't even think about without feeling physically sick. The two of them felt like they were broken, in a way. Like they would never find love, or be worthy of love...

And Ten knew that wasn't true, he had kind it twice over in Taeyong and Jaehyun, and...maybe he had even found it a third time in Sicheng.

The two of them needed fo heal, and maybe they could do that together. Maybe that's what they needed in order to help their recovery, to help them find peace in the shitty hands they'd been dealt - someone who could understand what they were going through on some level.  

Maybe things wouldn't automatically go back to how they were, but one day they would. They could continue taking things slow, while the two of them learn to trust one another again and while Ten continued to grow and educate himself. 

Because they were happy once, really happy, and neither of them wanted to let that go.

 

"So..."Sicheng cocked his head to the side. "So... Boyfriends?"

Ten rolled his eyes affectionately. He had almost forgotten how damn cheesy Sicheng could be when he wanted.

He glanced over to Jaehyun, who had given him a questioning thumbs up from across the cafe after seeing the wide grin on Ten's face, which made his cheeks heat up. He was really doing this, wasn't he? He had seen mature enough to own up to his mistakes, and lucky enough to have been granted forgiveness. He was looking past someone's flaws, because hell, he was far from fucking perfect, and he was going to love Sicheng for who he was, not what parts he was born with - because that's what he fell for, the boy's personality. He was acting like an adult for once in his life and not being a selfish asshole. He was allowing himself another shot of happiness with someone he was genuinely in love with. 

He nodded, turning back to Sicheng. 

"Boyfriends."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [rest]
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions and bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	18. pineapple on pizza

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im SO SORRY for chapter after chapter of pure angst so here's a nice one! i promise!!! like,,,,a rly nice,,,rly long one uwu
> 
> pls note this chapter includes sex involving a trans man, if that makes you uncomfortable (because you are transgender yourself and sex is something ur not 100% there with yet or w/e) then please only read up until the ✧ ✦ ✧  
> there is also a disclaimer in the end notes abt said smut. 
> 
> otherwise, pls enjoy!

"Oh my god, Sicheng!" Ten’s head lulled back as Sicheng carded soothing fingers through his hair, eyes fluttering shut. He was in heaven. Sicheng was _really_ good with his hands. "That feels so good."

"Will you keep still? I don't want to get bleach on my jeans." Sicheng huffed, forcing Ten’s head back upright. This was the third night this week he had tried to dye Ten’s hair because it wasn't blonde enough for his liking. Sicheng had pointed out that he wasn't a professional hairdresser, and that maybe Ten should just go to a salon and get it done, but no. Here he was, sat on the cistern of the toilet with Ten between his legs as he massaged bleach into his hair. 

"But you give good head messages." Ten pouted. He had been at school all day after a long shift at work and he was shattered. He could honestly fall asleep right here on the toilet with the wonders Sicheng’s fingers were doing on his aching scalp. Maybe he should stop dying it...

"I give even better back massages." Sicheng smirked, taking his latex gloves off and throwing them in the sink. "Maybe I'll give you one later."

"That sounds perfect." Ten giggled as Sicheng jumped down from behind him to press a kiss to the elder’s lips. 

_Perfect._

This kind of was perfect, actually. Letting Sicheng back into his life was the best thing he had ever done. Maybe this whole learning to be a better person was a good thing after all. He had always doubted it in the past, because his walls had always been built so high he didn't know any better than mouthing off and hurting others with his words before they could hurt him, but...this felt good. 

It was weird how things just managed to fall back into place with him and Sicheng over the past couple of months, just like the first time their relationship hit a little...speed bump. It kind of felt like they were meant to be with each other. They just seemed to keep coming back to one another. Despite all of the hiccups and problems they'd encountered in the past, once they got over it things were just so easy between the two of them. 

"Can I have one now? I messed my back up at work the other day and-"

"Ah-Ah." Sicheng stopped Ten as he tried to follow him out of the bathroom. "You're not going anywhere. Imagine if you got bleach on the sheets? Taeyong would flip."

"So you're going to leave me here? _Alone?_ "

"Yes?" Sicheng quirked an eyebrow. "Jungwoo brought pizza in."

"You're choosing pizza over me?"

"Pizza after I haven't eaten all day or sitting in the smallest bathroom in the house breathing in hydrogen peroxide fumes?" Sicheng pretended to think it over for a second, one hand on his hip as the other scratched at his chin. 

"But!" Ten inched closer, reaching up on his toes to press a quick peck to Sicheng’s lips. "You'd be breathing in those peroxide fumes with _me_. Your absolute favourite boyfriend."

"He got me a Hawaiian, though."

Ten recoiled in horror. Pineapple on pizza? Pineapple in general for that matter. Gross. 

"Okay, there's no way I’m kissing you later if you put that in your mouth."

"Guess I'll just have to make out with Jaehyun instead then." Sicheng shrugged. 

Ten’s jaw dropped. If he didn't love how sassy and self-confident Sicheng had gotten over the past couple of months since they got back together, he'd be offended. 

"Not if I get to him first. Then you'll be all alone, no one to make out with." Ten jutted his bottom lip out mockingly. "No one for Bambi to kiss."

"Maybe I'll just have to get myself a new boyfriend, then... I'm pretty sure Doyoung is down there..."

Ten gasped. 

"You wouldn't."

"I dunno, he might let me be little spoon once in a while..."

"You realise I'd _have_ to break up with you if you wasn't anywhere near him, right?"

"He probably wouldn't threaten me this much either..."

"Bambi!" Ten whined, stamping his foot like a petulant child. "You can't do this to me!"

Sicheng tried his hardest to keep a straight face, to mess around with Ten even more, but he couldn't help but burst into laughter. Ten seemed to fall for it every single time Sicheng teased him. It was adorable, honestly. 

"My little piranha, you always bite." Sicheng squeaked out, pinching tens cheeks as the elder glared back at him. 

He had no idea when Sicheng had started calling him that but he wasn't impressed. He had picked an adorable nickname for his newest boyfriend and here he was being compared to a ravenous fish. 

"You're the worst." Ten huffed, squirming away from Sicheng’s grabby hands. "Just go eat your pizza; I'm sick of you anyway."

"Thank you, baby." Sicheng leaned in to press a kiss to the very tip of tens nose, catching it just in time before Ten stuck it in the air in defiance. 

"But you better be back soon! I need you to wash my hair!" Ten shouted after him as Sicheng began to make his way down to the kitchen where everyone else was. 

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna let you go bald!" He called back from halfway down the stairs. 

Honestly. He still found it a little crazy that he was even here. In this huge house that his boyfriends lived in. That he even had boyfriends. Plural. He couldn't believe that this was his life now. That he'd come over and chill with Ten, Jaehyun and their slightly insane family. That he had been accepted by that slightly insane family. Sure, Taeyong had given him the cold shoulder to begin with, he wasn't too impressed with everything that had happened, but it wore off eventually. They were on good terms now. 

"Here, I saved you a slice of your gross pizza before Doyoung ate it all."

Sicheng took the plate from Taeyong with a smile. He was actually kind of glad that hardly anyone else liked Hawaiian. More for him. 

"Where's Ten?" Jungwoo asked, legs swinging back and forth as he sat on the kitchen counter, despite the fact there were more than enough seats the coffee table for all of them. 

"I wouldn't let him out of the bathroom in case he stained something with hair dye." Sicheng replied, taking a bite of pizza as Taeyong mouthed a thank you. 

He really felt like he was becoming part of this little family. Like they accepted him, and he genuinely liked all of them. 

"Makes my night easier, at least."

Almost all of them. 

Sicheng narrowed his eyes at Doyoung's little comment. He knew that Ten and Doyoung didn't get on all that well, and honestly, he could see why. Doyoung was always making sly little comments, making digs at Ten when he thought no one else was around. Comments and digs that resulted in Ten lashing out and looking like he was the one in the wrong. But Doyoung almost always seemed to provoke him. 

Sicheng didn't like that. At all. 

He wasn't a confrontational person in the slightest, but he found himself having to bite his tongue when Doyoung was around. He wanted to stick up for Ten, to defend him, because obviously his loyalties lay with his boyfriend, not some guy Jungwoo had a crush on or whatever, but he didn't want to rock the boat. He sometimes felt like he was already on thin ice, that although he had been let back in to this little circle, he could be pushed back out just as easily. 

But...then again, Doyoung wasn't technically a part of their family either. He wasn't dating anyone. He was just...a guy they knew, really. And Sicheng had heard all about what had gone on between Doyoung and the rest of them in the past. 

He was totally closer to family than Doyoung was. 

But, he was still going to try and be civil. He didn't want to cause a huge argument over a hushed comment. 

Especially not when Jaehyun was patting his knee, inviting Sicheng to come sit in his lap. Which he did. Obviously. 

"You wanna stay over tonight?"

"If you don't mind, it's kinda late and Renjun's stressing over exams, so...I don't really want to disturb him."

"Of course I don't." Jaehyun looped his arms around the younger's waist. "I love having you here."

Sicheng flushed, just like he did whenever Jaehyun said anything overly romantic to him. He thought maybe his body would get used to it over time and not turn bright red whenever the model gushed over him, but clearly not. 

He had only started staying over in the past month or so. It was something he had always avoided before, scared that someone would find out his secret in the middle of the night, or even more scared that he'd convince himself that sleeping in his binder was a good idea and waking up in agony. 

But now he didn't mind so much, in fact, he absolutely loved staying over. He loved the arms wrapped around his waist as he drifted off. He loved nuzzling into the back of someone's neck. He loved waking up to kisses scattered across his cheeks. He loved feeling like he was truly part of this relationship. 24 hours a day, not just for a couple of afternoons a week. He loved sharing a bed with the two men he loved. 

And he really hoped that one day they'd go further than just kisses and cuddles in bed. He knew it was hard for both of them, that no one wanted to rush things out of fear of ruining what they had. Again. But god, Sicheng was getting desperate. He needed someone to touch him. To kiss him like they meant it. Really meant it. To fuck him. 

It was getting harder and harder sleeping in the same bed as the two of them, especially because Jaehyun only ever seemed to sleep in his underwear during the summer. God. He just wanted that toned body pressed up against his own, maybe pinning him to a wall as he fucked into him over and over and-

Oh god. Was he really having these thoughts here? While he was sat in the kitchen eating pizza with Jaehyun’s other boyfriends? Fucking slut. 

He really was getting needy though, and he was starting to worry that it might never happen. 

It was something that he and Ten had spoken about. Extensively. Ten had made it clear that he wasn't ready for a sexual relationship with Sicheng, and that he wasn't sure he ever would be. Sicheng knew that Ten loved him, just not in that way. It hurt at first, like, really hurt. He blamed himself for his stupid female biology, knowing fine well that if he had a dick Ten would probably feel comfortable being intimate with him eventually, but he got over it in the end. He and Ten had been together for months without doing anything sexual, and they were really happy. Maybe they didn't need sex to work. 

But...Sicheng needed it from somewhere. And he was beginning to worry Jaehyun would never want to sleep with him either. 

"I love cuddling with you."

Sicheng smiled weakly. _Cuddling_. Cuddling was nice and all, but... He wanted more. 

He _needed_ more. 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

"Mmm, Jaehyun." Sicheng breathed out as Jaehyun pressed soft kisses to the back of his neck. He had no idea if Jaehyun was trying to be cute or trying to turn him on, but...the latter was definitely happening. 

It had been so long since Sicheng had been touched properly that lately, any kind of contact was driving him wild. Maybe he shouldn't have agreed to stay over tonight. Maybe he should have just went home and let his vibrator do its job. 

"You smell like hair dye." Jaehyun mused, kisses trailing around to the side of Sicheng’s neck, mouthing at the stretched tendon as the younger arched into it. "Tell me if you want me to stop."

"Blame your boyfriend." Sicheng snorted. At least it was the last time he'd have to dye Ten's hair, for now, anyway. It was finally blonde enough to put a smile on his face. He could see exactly why Jaehyun called him Princess. High maintenance was an understatement. "But don't. Please."

Sicheng rolled onto his back, arms looping around the back of Jaehyun’s neck to pull him in closer. Holy fuck this felt amazing. 

"You can bite me if you want."

Jaehyun scoffed into Sicheng’s neck. This one was going to be a handful, he could already tell. 

"You like to be marked?"

Sicheng whimpered out a yes as Jaehyun teased the sensitive skin between his teeth. He wanted everyone to know that he belonged to someone. That even if they didn't go all the way tonight, _someone_ wanted him. 

"I like it when people know I've been naughty."

"Naughty?" Jaehyun emerged from a Sicheng’s neck, eyebrow quirked as he looked the younger straight in the eye. An action at made him shrink back into the pillows. "Don't you want to be good for me?"

Sicheng let out a shallow breath as Jaehyun moved, knees either side of slim hips, essentially trapping him. Holy fuck. 

"Depends on what I get in return." Sicheng smirked back, thumb tracing Jaehyun’s bottom lip. He wasn't as shy as he may come across when it came to sex. He was more than happy to play the obedient submissive role. The cock hungry slut. The bad boy that needed to be punished. He loved all of that. It was all he'd had ever wanted. Especially when he was with someone he loved. 

Only this time, that someone loved him back. 

"Because being naughty is fun."

Sicheng barely got time to finish his sentence before Jaehyun’s lips were on his, before a tongue was rammed down his throat. Jaehyun was a sucker for dirty talk, and the fact it was coming from sweet little Sicheng’s mouth, well. Holy shit. 

Sicheng honestly felt like he was going to pass out. Jaehyun had never kissed him with so much conviction before, with so much purpose. If it wasn't for this niggling voice in the back of his head telling him Jaehyun would never dream of touching someone like him, he'd be convinced he was getting laid tonight. 

But there was no way Jaehyun actually wanted him like that. Surely. 

But he moaned anyway. Lewdly. He wanted Jaehyun to know that he wanted it. That he needed it. He raised his hips slightly, breath hitching as he brushed up against the hardness in Jaehyun’s boxers. Wow. Maybe...he _did_ want Sicheng in that way. 

"You're so-"

"Oh- Uh, sorry." Jaehyun rolled into his side so he was no longer in top of Sicheng. He didn't want to make the younger uncomfortable. They still hadn't gone any further than kissing. "I got a little carried away. Sorry."

"Don't be, I-" Sicheng bit down on his bottom lip. He'd waited a lifetime for this moment. To be in bed with Jaehyun Jung. To touch Jaehyun Jung's dick. To be fucked by Jaehyun Jung. And he was ready. Oh god was he ready. He just-

He was scared. 

What if Jaehyun reacted in the same way as Ten when he actually...saw him? Because he wasn't beautiful underneath his clothes. It didn't matter how many times Jaehyun told him he was, because Sicheng was sure he'd change his mind once he saw him naked. What if Jaehyun’s hard on instantly died once Sicheng took his boxers off? Once Jaehyun saw what was under there with his own eyes? Because that wasn't what he was into, Sicheng knew that. It was sweet of him to try and make an effort and all, but...ultimately _he_ wasn't what Jaehyun was into. 

"I can...help you out, if you want."

"You want to-" Jaehyun’s eyes flickered between Sicheng and his own bulge. He hadn't imagined the younger to be ready yet. He wasn't totally sure that he was either, only because he felt incredibly unprepared. "Because I don't really...uh, know what I'm doing...down there."

Sicheng's eyes widened slightly. Did Jaehyun want to- because he was only offering a hand job or something but- Did he really _want_ to sleep with Sicheng? 

"You...wanna sleep with me?"

"W-Well, yeah. Isn't that what you meant?"

Sicheng blinked a couple of times, the tips of his ears heating up. He'd look pretty stupid if he said he was just thinking of tugging Jaehyun off now wouldn’t he? 

"Are you sure?"

Jaehyun nodded. He was. Their first time may not be as spectacular as he had built it up to be in his head because he really had no idea what he was doing and porn made him uncomfortable so he couldn't even watch any videos to help him brush up on the basics but- He wanted to try. He wanted Sicheng. 

"But only if you are too. I don't want you to rush into anything."

"I am." Sicheng blurted out without much hesitation. Because he was. He was _so_ ready for this he just- "I'm just scared..."

"Scared?"

"I'm scared that...like, you're fine with me now but once I take my underwear off and you see me that-" Sicheng’s breath shuddered as memories of what had happened with Ten came flooding back. "I'm scared you'll change your mind once you see how disgusting I am."

Jaehyun’s heart shattered. He _hated_ hearing Sicheng talk about himself like that. He knew that gender dysphoria was complicated and he would do anything to take that away from him if he could, but he didn't want Sicheng to see himself as disgusting. Sure, his body wasn't quite the way he wanted it, but Jaehyun thought he was beautiful no matter what. 

"Baby, that's not going to happen, okay?" Jaehyun thumbed away tear that clung to Sicheng’s bottom lashes. "Nothing could ever make me think you're disgusting. And I want to make you feel _so_ good, but- Only when you're ready. If you don't feel comfortable showing me that part of yourself yet, then you don't have to. I can wait. But when you are ready, I don't want you to be scared about what I'm going to think, because nothing could change my mind about how gorgeous my little Prince is."

Sicheng whimpered as Jaehyun spoke. What the fuck had he done to deserve someone like that? Someone so loving? Someone so hopelessly romantic? Someone that could raise his spirits and make him feel better about himself than he had for years with just a few words? 

"You promise?" Sicheng's voice was small. He couldn't go through what he had with Ten again. He knew this was different, that Jaehyun knew everything now, that this wasn't going to be sprung on him, but...he still couldn't help but worry. 

"I promise." Jaehyun leaned in, pressing his lips to Sicheng’s, stealing himself a soft kiss. He absolutely hated how little his boyfriend thought of himself. "I think you're absolutely beautiful, Dong Sicheng. Nothing will ever change that."

Sicheng let his lips fall open as Jaehyun kissed him deeper. As the man he loved kissed him deeper. Ten was right; Jaehyun did have this calming effect on people. He made Sicheng feel like everything was going to be alright. That even if things were still a little weird between him and the dancer, that at least he had Jaehyun. At least he had _someone_ to love him. Someone who wanted to _make love_ to him. 

There was no way he could let this opportunity pass. 

"I'm ready." He whispered against Jaehyun’s lips as the elder pulled back for air. "I'm so fucking ready."

"You sure?"

Sicheng nodded, giggling softly. Of course he was sure. He was about to have sex with Jaehyun Jung for God's sake. His _boyfriend_ Jaehyun Jung. He was more than ready. 

"Okay." Jaehyun beamed before nuzzling into Sicheng’s neck, licking a long strip up it. "Tell me what to do."

Sicheng moaned softly as Jaehyun nibbled on the sensitive skin behind his ear. He couldn't believe this was actually about to happen. 

"How about I show you?" The younger smirked; having found a new lease of confidence after Jaehyun’s little speech. "Sit up."

Jaehyun obeyed, sitting back against the headboard of his bed. He never in a million years expected his and Sicheng’s first time to involve the younger being in control in any shape or form but...this could be interesting. 

He melted back into the pillows as Sicheng straddled him, lips crashing down on his own. They'd had a few make out sessions that had gotten a little heated, but they had never went any further than that, both wanting to respect one another's boundaries. But the fact that they both knew they were taking things to the next level tonight made them lose control a little. 

Jaehyun couldn't help but grab at Sicheng’s ass, couldn't help but pull him in closer by his hips, and Sicheng couldn't help but retaliate. He couldn't stop himself from grinding down, from using his teeth on peach scented lips. 

Sicheng was letting himself get carried away because this was the closest he'd had to sex in god knows how long - never mind sex with someone he actually liked, loved, even. So he had to try and control himself, because he wanted this to be perfect. 

He shuffled himself along, so he was straddling one of Jaehyun’s thighs as opposed to his hips, and he began to rock back and forth. 

"Woah." Jaehyun pulled back from the kiss as he felt a distinct...dampness on his upper thigh. "How are you-"

"What? So wet?"

Jaehyun nodded softly. This was new. The rest of his boyfriends only ever felt that wet - especially through a pair of boxers - after they came. Surely Sicheng wasn't that desperate. Right? 

"Think of this as me being hard. I'm really turned on by you, so instead of getting hard I get wet. Really wet." Sicheng chuckled under his breath, almost bitterly. "I'm quite lucky, apparently. Most guys in my support group experience dryness from all of the hormones."

"Does that bother you? I can...not make a big deal of it if it does."

"Oh, god no. It's one of the few things this body does that I don't totally hate." Sicheng mused, rubbing himself against Jaehyun again, ever so slightly. "I haven't been on T that long, and I have noticed a tiny bit, but... I've always been, like... I've always gotten really wet really easily."

"So this is like...?"

"Less than I used to?" Sicheng nodded, blushing as Jaehyun's eyes widened

"Woah." 

"Is that okay?" 

"Yeah, it's-" Jaehyun’s eyes locked on the slightly darker patch on Sicheng’s baby pink boxer briefs. Just how wet was Sicheng if his boxers were already so saturated? If Jaehyun could literally feel it in his leg _through_ the material? That was so fucking...hot. "Can I see how- How wet you are...under the-"

"You wanna see my pussy?"

Jaehyun was a little taken aback at this sudden burst of confidence Sicheng had gotten. It was a stark contrast to where they were a few minutes ago. 

But also by the terminology he had used. After a little research Jaehyun had learned that not all trans guys liked that word. They didn't want to be reminded of what they had down there so didn't feel comfortable using words like vagina or pussy. But maybe Sicheng wasn't one of them. 

"Is that- Is that what you call it? Like- What you prefer to call it?"

"It is what it is." Sicheng shrugged. He loved how inquisitive Jaehyun was being, how badly he was trying to adapt to _his_ needs, not just what he had googled or read about on some transgender forum. "I like the word pussy, it's cute."

Jaehyun laughed softly as Sicheng leaned in to kiss him, before whispering against the shell of his ear. 

"Or...if you're feeling a little nasty." Jaehyun shuddered as Sicheng nibbled on his lobe. "I like cunt too."

Jaehyun almost choked on his own saliva. Sicheng was so sweet, so reserved that was the absolute last word he expected to fall from his boyfriends lips, but- wow. Just...wow. Maybe Sicheng was going to be more of a little firecracker than he first thought. 

Sicheng took a deep breath as he pulled back, thumbs hooked in the waistband of his boxers. This was it. He was going to show Jaehyun everything _._ Well, maybe not _everything_ , there was no way in hell he was taking his t-shirt off. That was a step too far. 

But this could be make or break for them. Jaehyun could realise that actually he was wrong and that Sicheng really was disgusting and throw him out dripping wet or... he could have meant what he said. He could really love Sicheng no matter what and they could finally have the amazing sex Sicheng had been dreaming of for the past however many years. 

This was it. He was pulling his boxers down and-

"Woah."

His heart rate rose as Jaehyun stared at him, baby pink boxers stretched around his thighs. Was that a good woah or a bad woah? 

"Pretty."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah, come here." Jaehyun helped Sicheng remove his boxers completely, not wanting his boyfriend to be uncomfortable. He knew that Sicheng didn't _totally_ hate his vagina. That, sure, his life would have been a hell of a lot easier if he was just born with a dick, but at least his pussy made him feel good. It had some use, he guessed. "You're so fucking beautiful."

"You're just saying that." Sicheng flushed as Jaehyun’s fingers ran up his inner thighs. God, he was so close to touching him. 

"Yeah. Because it's true." Jaehyun pulled him in closer, forcing Sicheng to sit back down on his thigh, humming softly now he could feel the full extent of how wet he was. "Move for me, Prince."

Sicheng moaned as he rocked back and forth, picking up where he had left off before. He couldn't remember the last time he had this sort of skin on skin contact. When he had rubbed his clit up against somebody else. It felt so different to the seam of his boxers. That was rough and to the point with the way it dug in-between his lips but this... This may less of a harsh contact, it may be sending less shockwaves through his body, but this was so much more intimate. He may have let guys fuck him in the past, but this went far beyond what he had had with any of them. He could _feel_ Jaehyun underneath him. He could feel the soft hairs of his upper thigh brushing up against that bundle of nerves. He could feel the goosebumps on his boyfriend’s skin. He could feel the way elders eyes focused on him, on his every move, like he was the most important person in the world. 

And that felt better than anything. 

"Is that good baby, huh?" Jaehyun smiled as he watched Sicheng rut against him, leaving a trail of slick on his leg. He had never expected to be so turned on by that, though, then again, he had never expected Sicheng to be so wet in the first place. He was really out of his depth here, wasn't he? 

But he was determined to learn. He was determined to be able to make Sicheng feel good with his fingers and his cock and his tongue - not just by letting the younger ride his thigh.

"Look how wet you are." He chuckled, making Sicheng flush slightly. God he was adorable. 

"I can get...wetter, if you want." Sicheng wasn't even sure that was a word, but he didn't really care. This was clearly having an effect on Jaehyun, if the ever growing bulge in his pants was anything to go by, God, just how big was he? Sicheng clenched at the thought of finally being able to sit on-

_Not yet. Be patient, Sicheng. Let's do this properly._

"Do you...want to touch me?" _Please say yes. Please say yes._ He repeated over and over in his head. He wanted to feel Jaehyun’s fingers against him, _in_  him so badly. He just hoped and prayed that wasn't a step too far for his boyfriend and that he'd actually want to-

"Show me how."

Oh thank god. 

Sicheng smiled to himself as he lifted up, as he turned to settle himself in between Jaehyun’s legs, back pressed up against the elder’s chest, ass pressed against the bulge in his underwear. This was so surreal. 

Jaehyun hooked his chin over Sicheng’s shoulder, gasping slightly as the younger pulled the hem of his t-shirt up to reveal his stomach. To reveal...everything. 

Jaehyun’s fingers danced across Sicheng’s thighs, not quite sure what else to do as Sicheng started touching himself. As he rubbed two fingers between parted lips. He focused on the patterns Sicheng was making, wondering if there was some sort of special routine that got him off quicker. Probably not. That was a pretty ridiculous thought, but Jaehyun honestly had no idea what he was doing here. He felt even greener than the first time he and Taeyong slept together. Vaginas looked way more complicated. 

"Give me your hand." 

Jaehyun flinched as wet fingers pressed against his own, as Sicheng guided them towards his pussy. 

He gasped out as the tips of his fingers came into contact with the folds. Sicheng was practically dripping and he was pretty sure the younger felt the way his cock twitched against his ass because this was really turning him on. Like, more than he had ever imagined. The fact that Sicheng was _that_ wet for _him?_  Maybe...Maybe this was just normal. It wasn't like he had any real experience in the area. Nothing to compare it to. But he was actually kind of flawed by how amazing Sicheng’s body was. How beautifully it reacted to being touched. 

He pressed barely there kisses to Sicheng’s neck as the younger began to move Jaehyun’s fingers, showing him exactly where he liked to be touched. The breathy whimpers were music to Jaehyun’s ears. He'd never heard Sicheng like this before. Never expected him to be quite so vocal. Sure, he had imagined it in one too many dirty dreams he'd had about his newest boyfriend, but part of him had always expected Sicheng to be quiet and reserved, even during sex. 

But he was proven wrong when Sicheng threw his head back against Jaehyun’s shoulder, a guttural moan rumbling through his throat. 

"That's my clit." He whined, hips pushing off the bed into Jaehyun’s fingers. 

"What, here?" Jaehyun quirked an eyebrow, lips curling into a smirk as he took control of his own fingers and circled around the little nub that seemed to be driving Sicheng crazy. "Thought this was impossible to find."

Sicheng laughed bitterly, fingers tightening around Jaehyun’s wrist as his boyfriend continued to tease him. 

"That's kind of a joke - most guys are too lazy to even try."

"Well, luckily for you I'm not lazy." Jaehyun smiled as he continued to explore the erogenous area, absolutely loving the effect it was having on his boyfriend. Learning about Sicheng’s body was going to be _a lot_ of fun. "Now I know exactly how to tease you."

"You're the worst." Sicheng whined, simultaneously loving and hating how quickly Jaehyun had picked up on this, his hips bucking up into the touch as Jaehyun applied a little more pressure. He was pretty sure the model was going to be the end of him. Put him into some kind of orgasm induced coma. "Keep going, though."

Sicheng moaned louder, back arching as Jaehyun’s fingers worked their magic, as his other hand scratched softly at his inner thigh. He reached behind himself, grabbing a fistful of brunette hair as Jaehyun latched onto his neck. This was driving him absolutely insane. It had been _so_ long since anyone other than himself touched him like this and the fact that it was Jaehyun’s fingers, _his boyfriends_ fingerswere making it so much better. 

"Fuck-" Sicheng bit out, hips rutting between Jaehyun’s digits and the prominent bulge behind him. He needed more. "I want you...inside me."

He grabbed Jaehyun’s other hand, guiding it from his thigh to his pussy. He needed to be filled, even if it was just a finger or two for now. They had plenty of time to go the whole way later, and if Sicheng was being honest, he wanted to be a little selfish for once. He wanted someone to focus on him, to play with him until he was coming all over the bedsheets. 

"Just there." 

Jaehyun let out a low moan as Sicheng guided him down to his hole. And fuck. This was like heaven for Jaehyun’s new found kink. His little finger rested on the mattress, which Sicheng was already starting to drip onto. This was crazy. 

But holy fuck did he love it. 

"Look how wet you are for me." Jaehyun whispered as he teased at Sicheng’s entrance, his usual dominant persona picking up now he kind of knew what he was doing. "Such a naughty boy."

That made Sicheng’s head spin. 

_Naughty boy._

_Boy._

He had never been called that during sex before. All of the guys he'd slept with in the past had refused to see past his genitalia, had referred to him as a girl no matter how many times he asked them not to. 

"S-Say that again. Please."

"Oh, you like that, huh?" Jaehyun rocked his hips against Sicheng; this whole thing was seriously starting to get to him too. "You like being told what a naughty boy you are, hm Prince? What else do you like?"

Sicheng tried to steady his breathing, fingers tightening around Jaehyun’s hand. Everything Jaehyun was doing, was saying, was driving him insane. 

"Not telling." Sicheng giggled, nudging at Jaehyun’s knuckles, "not until you finger me."

"So demanding. That's kind of cute." Jaehyun finally slipped the tip of his finger in, not enough to give Sicheng what he wanted, but just enough to make his presence known. He was genuinely surprised that he was met with such little resistance. It was nothing like fingering any of his other boyfriends. "I might actually let you get away with it, just this once."

Sicheng's jaw hung open as Jaehyun _finally_ pushed his finger all the way in. He had been waiting forever for this. Jaehyun was actually _inside_ of him, and god it felt good. 

But naturally he wanted more. 

"Jae-" Sicheng squirmed on the bed as Jaehyun’s finger pumped in and out of him, ever so slowly. Maybe teaching Jaehyun what to do with his body was a mistake. Now he knew exactly how to tease him. "That feels so good."

Jaehyun’s other hand was still making its presence known, fingers dancing around the folds of his labia, skirting over the hood of his clit every so often, never quite applying enough pressure to really get him going. Didn’t Jaehyun know how long he'd waited for this? Why was he being so mean? 

"Can you- Ah- P-Put another one in?"

"What's the magic word?"

Sicheng whined. How the fuck did Jaehyun know exactly how to get to him already? Was he that transparent? Was it really that obvious that he liked to be controlled? That he liked to beg for it? Jaehyun just _knew_ about the dirty little slut inside of him that was dying to be let out, didn’t he? He knew that Sicheng wasn't quite as innocent as he first came off. 

Sicheng groaned at the thought. Jaehyun Jung was going to be the end of him, wasn't he? 

"Please...Hyung."

Jaehyun subconsciously pushed his hips forwards at the name. How did Sicheng know about his hyung kink...? Ten probably told him, actually. Oh god. Just what else had his boyfriend told Sicheng about their sex life? 

"Well, since you asked so nicely." Jaehyun leaned in to kiss Sicheng, sliding a second finger in ever so slowly, terrified of hurting the younger. But, it turned out that wasn't necessary, that Sicheng was so ready and willing his body had loosened itself up. Wow. Sicheng really wanted him that badly? 

"Oh my god-" Sicheng breathed out, heels digging into the mattress, toes curling against the sheets as Jaehyun fingered him. This was amazing. Jaehyun was amazing. The way he was moving inside of Sicheng, the fact he was paying attention to his clit, the soft kisses being pressed to his neck. No one had ever looked after him like this before. No one had ever gone out of their way to make him feel this good - and it was all getting too much for him. 

"Jae, I- I'm gonna come."

Sicheng could feel it building up, the pressure as he clenched down around Jaehyun’s fingers, as his stomach tightened, as everything got overwhelmingly hot. He was so fucking close.

"Then come." Jaehyun would have absolutely loved to make Sicheng wait, to make him beg for it. But not tonight. This was their first time and he wanted it to be all about his boyfriend. All about learning how to get him off. He would have plenty of chances to tease Sicheng within an inch of his life in the future. 

Sicheng didn't have to be told twice. He'd waited far too long for this moment - for coming at the hands of someone that genuinely loved him for who he was. So he did. He threw his head back, hips forward and moaned so loud Jungwoo would probably be able to hear him in the room next door. 

But he didn't care. He wasn't embarrassed or ashamed like he usually would be, because Jaehyun made him feel special. Beyond special, in fact. 

And no orgasm could ever top that feeling. 

But this one was pretty close. 

"Oh god- Fuck-" Sicheng panted, trying to regain his grasp on reality, trying to stop his head from spinning, but Jaehyun’s fingers were still deep inside of him, still rubbing at that sweet spot and he felt like he was going to lose it all over again. "Hy- Fuck me. Please."

"You sure, baby?" Sicheng had just came and he wanted more already? Damn. 

Sicheng nodded. Furiously. Of course that's what he wanted. It was what he had wanted for _so_ long. For someone to make him theirs. To make him feel good. To make love to him. 

And it was only going to be so much better the fact that that person was Jaehyun. 

"I want you so bad." Sicheng pushed his hips backwards, pressing against Jaehyun’s hardness. "Please."

Jaehyun's breath shuddered. How could he say no to that? 

He pulled out of Sicheng, marvelling at how wet he was, at how the clear liquid clung to his fingers, at how it seemed to stretch as he parted him. He was fascinated, to say the least. 

"I've ever seen anyone so in awe of vaginal lubricant before." Sicheng scoffed after watching Jaehyun play with his bodily fluids for a couple of seconds. He was so weird, but actually kind of cute. At least he was fascinated by Sicheng’s body and not disgusted by it. 

"S-Sorry." Jaehyun fretted, wiping his fingers on the bedsheets. He hadn't even realised what he'd been doing. 

Sicheng simply smiled in response. He was so cute when he got all flustered. 

"Don't be, it’s kind of a turn on."

"Really?" Jaehyun’s eyebrow rose, slipping back into the dominant persona Sicheng seemed to like so much. "Because I genuinely think I've developed a new kink."

"And what's that?" Sicheng asked, knowing fine well what Jaehyun was about to say. As if he hadn't made it obvious. He just wanted to hear those words fall from his boyfriend’s lips. 

Jaehyun chuckled lowly, repositioning himself so he was hovering above Sicheng. The younger laid on his back, between Jaehyun’s legs, just like he had been before when they were making out. Jaehyun liked seeing Sicheng from this angle. He looked so tiny and innocent, despite the teeth marks on his neck and the blissed out post-orgasm look on his face. 

"How wet your pussy gets."

"Oh my god." Sicheng breathed out, just hearing Jaehyun say that was enough to make him throb. He spread his legs, offering himself up to his boyfriend. 

"How wet _I_ get you." Jaehyun sat up on his knees, thumbs hooked in the elastic waistband of his boxers. He pulled them down, smirking at the way Sicheng’s stomach constricted, the way his hips jolted off of the bed, unable to control himself. "You're so fucking hot."

"Hyung." Sicheng whimpered, he couldn't cope with this much longer. He needed Jaehyun and he needed him _now_. "Please I want your cock so bad. I'll get more- I'll come so hard for you!"

"You're really that desperate, baby?" Jaehyun reached across to his bedside table, grabbing himself a condom. It had been a while since he'd had to use one of those, not having slept with anyone outside of his boyfriends for years. 

Sicheng nodded, furiously. He knew he looked desperate. Pathetic, even. But he really didn't care. He needed Jaehyun inside of him. He needed...

"I need you to make love to me."

Jaehyun’s features softened slightly. He knew Sicheng had never had that in the past - someone who genuinely loved him. He knew that guys had used him, thought he was a freak of nature or whatever. 

But Jaehyun wasn't like that. He didn't see Sicheng like that. He loved him. And he wanted to _make_ love to him. 

"Of course." Jaehyun leaned in, whispering against Sicheng's lips before kissing him. It was a kiss to tell him that everything was going to be okay, that Jaehyun loved him more than anything, that this was going to be the best night of Sicheng a life. Jaehyun was going to make sure of that. "Tell me if I do anything wrong, okay?"

Sicheng nodded, rolling his shoulders and letting himself sink into the mattress. He was going to make the most of this. The idea of not totally hating himself for sleeping with someone because they referred to him as a girl throughout the whole ordeal was going to be new to him, as was being with someone that genuinely cared about him, so he was definitely looking forwards to it, and he wanted to enjoy every single moment. 

For example, this one right here. Jaehyun had sat back up and was slowly rolling a condom onto his hard cock, hissing softly at the contact. Sicheng couldn't help but moan at the sight, fingers dancing across his own thighs as he tried his hardest not to touch himself. He was already sensitive enough after coming once this evening, he didn't want things to be over in a matter of seconds. 

"Jae...please-" he was starting to get impatient. He knew Jaehyun wanted to take the right measures and precautions, but he felt like he'd been waiting forever. 

"Please what? You're so needy, aren't you, baby?" Jaehyun smirked as he pulled his shirt off over his head, earning him a little whimper from Sicheng now he was totally naked. 

Sicheng nodded, face flushing as Jaehyun looked down at him, one hand lazily stroking at his cock. Jaehyun couldn't get over how beautiful his boyfriend was; strawberry blonde hair fanned out against the pillow, t-shirt pushed up to just above his navel, covering whatever he wasn't yet ready to show Jaehyun, but everything else he was on show for his boyfriend to see. He looked absolutely gorgeous. And Jaehyun was determined to make him feel amazing. 

Jaehyun slipped his finger back in, closely followed by a second, making Sicheng squirm against the bedsheets. He wanted to make sure his boyfriend was fully prepared, used to a tight ring of muscle that needed stretching out. It was going to take him a little while to get used to Sicheng’s body, but he was more than willing to learn. 

His lips quirked up at the slick that stuck to his fingers as he pulled them out, he was in awe of how much this was turning him on. He felt his cock twitch, getting pretty desperate himself. He had been waiting for this moment and it was finally happened. 

Sicheng took a shaky breath as Jaehyun pressed the tip of his cock to his entrance. This was really happening; someone was _finally_ going to make love to him. For the first time ever. 

"Oh my god." He breathed out at Jaehyun pushed in, ever so slowly. It had been fucking forever since he had had an actual cock inside of him; not since that awful night. But that was the last thing he wanted to think about right now. Not when Jaehyun was slowly inching his way inside. 

"Let me know if it hurts, okay?"

Sicheng scoffed. Jaehyun was so cute. 

"I'm a big boy, I can take it."

"Oh, you can?" Jaehyun quirked an eyebrow, holding onto Sicheng’s hips so he could push in a little faster, the sudden movement making Sicheng’s jaw drop, a low moan spilling over his lips. "You sound amazing."

"Th-Thanks." Sicheng flushed. He had always been a little embarrassed to be too loud during sex. Scared he sounded too feminine or whatever. And it was usually pretty easy to keep his moans stifled, because it wasn't very often he let himself get lost in the act and really enjoy it. But this was going to be different. Maybe he still wouldn't quite be able to allow himself to cry out like he'd like to, but...he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep quiet either. "You're so...big."

Sicheng lifted his hips a little. Jaehyun still hadn't bottomed out. It felt like fucking forever since he started and- Sicheng let out a little muffled whimper as Jaehyun’s lips crashed down on his, fingers still digging into his hips. They had only just started and Sicheng felt like he was losing his mind. 

"Nearly there, baby." Jaehyun whispered against his boyfriends lips. It felt nice taking things slow for a change, and he wanted to savour every single moment of pushing into Sicheng’s heat for the very first time. "You feel so good."

Sicheng let out a breathy moan as Jaehyun finally bottomed out. This was so surreal. Not only was he having sex with someone he had admired for so long, he was having sex with his _boyfriend._ Someone that actually loved him. That cared about him. That wanted to make sure he felt good too. He had never had anything like that before. Ever. 

"Jae..." Sicheng lifted his hips up again, fingers tangling in Jaehyun’s hair as he began to rock back and forth on Jaehyun’s cock. "Move. Please." 

"Tell me how you like it, Prince." Jaehyun chuckled lowly, picking up a painfully slow rhythm to tease his boyfriend. He knew fine well this was nowhere near what Sicheng actually wanted from him, but he wanted the younger to say it aloud. He wanted to hear him. 

"Faster."

"Like this?" Jaehyun sped up just the tiniest little amount, making Sicheng pout. 

"Jaehyun! Come on, stop teasing me." Sicheng whined. He had waited far too long for this. He wasn't willing to wait any longer. "Just fuck me already. Properly. Like you mean it."

Jaehyun bit down on Sicheng’s bottom lip. Holy fuck. He sounded so good like this - so needy. How could he possibly say no? Not after everything he had been through. He deserved whatever he wanted, and Jaehyun was more than willing to give him that. 

"Fuck." Jaehyun hissed, picking his pace up. He couldn't get over how good Sicheng felt. It had honestly never crossed his mind what this would be like, not before Sicheng anyway. Vaginas had never interested him, not even the slightest bit when he went through that awkward randy teen stage, but then again, he had never fallen for a transgender boy before.

But holy fuck. He was glad he had.

Sicheng was so different to all of his other boyfriends - and not just in the physical sense. He had this air about him. This nervous energy that seemed to be depleting by the day. He was cautious, terrified that this could fall apart at any second, and Jaehyun could understand why; considering. But he was trying to do everything in his power to convince Sicheng that wasn't the case. That he was in this for keeps. That nothing, especially not Sicheng anatomy, was going to get in the way of this. Because he loved him. He really, truly loved him.

And it just so happened he really, truly loved fucking him too. Icing on the cake, really.

Jaehyun whimpered as Sicheng grabbed another handful of his hair, forcing him down into a sloppy kiss. Wow. The nervous energy really had dissipated, huh? Ten had mentioned Sicheng's little bursts of confidence and sass here and there, but Jaehyun hadn't really seen them all too often. He wondered whether that was partially to do with his status, (which it was, but Sicheng couldn't exactly tell his new boyfriend that he may or may not have been stalking him over the past few years.)

But this was...nice. Like, really nice. Seeing Sicheng like this. Being man-handled by Sicheng like this. Even if it was just a little bit.

"More."

Jaehyun chuckled softly as the younger mumbled out the command against his lips. Trust him to pick another demanding one. As if he didn't already have three boyfriends super bratty that he couldn't possibly say no to. Make that four.

He caught Sicheng in an opened mouth kiss as he fucked into him harder, barely swallowing a loud moan. It's not like there was any point in them trying to be quiet. Surely someone would have heard by now, anyway. He kind of wanted them to hear. He wanted everyone else to know how good he was making Sicheng feel.

"You're amazing." Jaehyun whispered against bitten lips, pushing Sicheng’s thighs even wider apart, back against the mattress. Just as well he was flexible. "You _feel_ amazing."

Sicheng’s hips rolled up as Jaehyun latched onto his neck, rolling the sensitive skin between his teeth, but never quite biting down hard enough to leave a mark. It was driving Sicheng crazy. This whole thing was driving him crazy. He never knew sex could feel this _good._ He never imagined making love would be like some next level shit. But it was. And he wanted more. He wanted...validation. He needed some kind of proof Jaehyun was into _him._ Into who _he_ was.

"Oh yeah?" The blonde breathed out, tangling his fingers back in Jaehyun’s hair, pressing his boyfriend face further into his neck, head lulling to the side, offering himself up. He wanted to be marked. He wanted to be Jaehyun’s. "You like fucking my pussy?"

Jaehyun hummed against Sicheng’s neck, whispering out a 'yeah' before sinking his teeth into soft, unmarked skin. He had a feeling Sicheng would look beyond pretty covered in blooms of purple.

"Baby..." Sicheng moaned out, legs trying to squeeze around Jaehyun’s hips, the biting making him throb, but Jaehyun’s hold on his thighs was too strong. It made him whimper, the way he was being handled. Usually it made him feel too feminine if someone took _too_ much control over him, but not with Jaehyun. With Jaehyun, it was like he knew exactly what Sicheng wanted. And it was only their first time.

But he still needed more. He needed those words to fall from Jaehyun’s lips.

"Say it. I need to hear you say it."

Jaehyun emerged from Sicheng's neck, lips quirking up at the mark that was already beginning to take place. Perfect.

He looked straight into his boyfriend’s eyes. They had this sense of...longing in them. Like he still felt lost. Still felt like maybe this wasn't real. Like something was going to snap in Jaehyun and he was gonna to realise what he was doing, and who he was doing it with, and he'd lose it. Just like Ten did.

But that wasn't going to happen.

Jaehyun loved Sicheng for who he was. He didn't love him for what was in his pants - though, it turned out he did kind of love that too - he loved him for the smart, witty, caring boy he was. And he was going to do everything in his power to make sure Sicheng knew that.

"I _love,"_ Jaehyun leaned in for a quick kiss before continuing, "fucking your wet little cunt, baby boy."

"Oh my god." Sicheng moaned. Loudly. Unable to hold back any longer. This was all he had ever wanted. Someone to accept him for who he was. Someone to make love to him and accept that he _was_ a boy, despite his genitalia. "I-I love you."

Jaehyun smiled, a soft smile despite the position they were currently in. That was the first time Sicheng had actually said those words to him, too afraid to say them any earlier - just in case. And usually he would be worried that was disingenuous in the heat of the moment, but he could tell that wasn't the case. He could see it in Sicheng's eyes. He knew fine well no one had ever cared about him this much. That no one had ever treated him like a boy during sex that no one he had been with in the past had ever looked past what was in his pants. He knew how much this meant to Sicheng.

He knew that the younger boy truly meant that.

"I love you too."

Sicheng felt himself blush, which seemed kind of stupid considering the position he was currently in; legs spread, covered in sweat as he was being pounded into. But that was so...sweet. Jaehyun was only the second person to have ever said that to him, and if he wasn't so close to coming, he'd probably cry.

"Touch me. Please." He whined. This was all getting too much for him. He needed more. And he needed it now.

"Wh- Where do you want?"

"My clit, just-" Sicheng gasped as Jaehyun did what he was told, without a hint of hesitation, his thumb brushing up against the sensitive bundle of nerves. "Fuck yes. Just like that."

"Is that good, Prince?"

"You have no fucking idea." Sicheng’s eyes fluttered shut, hips keening to the touch. He needed...just a little more pressure and-

"Jaehyun!" He all but screamed, a heat pulsing through his body. He was so-

"Are you close?" 

Sicheng could just about make out the smirk on Jaehyun’s lips, barely able to open his eyes. God. He looked so fucking good. He had gotten himself off to way too many dreams just like this: Jaehyun above him, hair damp with sweat as he pounded into him over and over, nothing but love and lust in his eyes. The fact that it was actually happening was...insane. He hoped to god this wasn't just one long fever dream where he was going to wake up in bed alone with particularly wet boxers.

"Do you want to come?"

"Please." Sicheng whimpered, another moan falling from his lips as Jaehyun’s thumb picked up a circular motion. God he felt like he was going to explode. "Hyung...please."

"Just hold on a little longer, baby." Jaehyun’s voice was getting tight, growing ever closer himself. "I want us to come together."

Sicheng nodded, breathing deeply through his nose. That sounded...fuck. Well, it sounded perfect. It was rare he ever actually got the chance to reach orgasm with- well that didn't matter. Not anymore. Not now he had Jaehyun.

He tried to stabilise himself. Tried his hardest to hold on, because honestly, he didn't want it to end. He had never felt like this before. Never even made himself feel like this before. There was something so mind-blowingly different about being with someone that actually loved you it was just- insane. It was insane to think it made that much of a difference.

But clearly it did. Because he was going out of his mind here, and if Jaehyun didn't come soon he was gonna-

"Fuck- I'm-"

"Hyung.." Sicheng wrapped his legs around Jaehyun’s waist as the elders grip on his thighs loosened, clearly starting to fall apart too. "Please."

"Sich-" Jaehyun was cut off as Sicheng pulled him into a deep kiss, an indicator that he couldn't hold on much longer. And to be honest, neither could Jaehyun. "Come for me."

Sicheng wasn't sure he could hold back any longer even if he tried. He let himself relax, let himself fully give in to the sensation of his boyfriend moving inside of him, to the sensation of Jaehyun’s fingers against his clit. He let himself completely lose it, orgasm washing over him, crying out against Jaehyun’s lips and he came for the second time that night.

This one was different though. He swore it almost knocked him out. It definitely seemed to deafen him for a bit, a high pitched buzzing replacing the sounds of Jaehyun’s moans as he came within seconds of Sicheng. He thought seeing stars was just some dumb cliché but holy fuck. It actually happened. His vision was all spotty and he even had a slight tension headache for a couple of seconds. Jesus Christ.

That was unreal.

Sicheng whispered out a chain of 'oh my gods' as he came down. All of his muscles ached, as if he had convulsed against mattress so violently when he finally climaxed that managed to pull every single muscle in his body, but- he didn't really care. If this is what floating on cloud nine felt like, then he'd fucking take it.

"You're so gorgeous."

Sicheng hummed contentedly to himself as Jaehyun pressed a cluster of soft kisses to his cheeks. He could definitely get used to this. It was way better than struggling to get back into his clothes the second the meaningless fuck was over to hide his shame.

He whined softly as Jaehyun pulled out, pouting - just a little - at the fact it was over. That was his and Jaehyun’s first time. Done and dusted. That made him a little sad, actually...

He watched on with an amused smirk on his face as Jaehyun peeled the condom off, looking at it in bemusement for a second before tying a knot in the top and lobbing it across the room in the general direction of his bin. He'd deal with that tomorrow. Right now he wanted to cuddle his boyfriend.

"You want me to...clean you up?" Jaehyun wasn't quite sure what the protocol was here. Clearly this wasn't the same as anal sex, but...Sicheng was still kind of a mess. He was literally dripping wet.

Sicheng hummed to himself, thinking it over for a second before shaking his head. He had seen how much that turned Jaehyun on earlier, and _maybe_ he'd be able to use it to his advantage...in terms of going again. Maybe.

He rolled onto his side, snuggling into the elder, leg hooking over Jaehyun’s so his come-soaked pussy was in direct contact with his boyfriends thigh, making him tense up a little. Perfect.

"No. I wanna cuddle."

Jaehyun quirked an eyebrow, his arm snaking underneath Sicheng waist. "You want to cuddle, or you want to ride my thigh until you come again?"

Sicheng shrugged, a coy smile on his lips.

"Maybe both."

Jaehyun couldn't help but laugh. Sicheng was going to be a handful. He could just tell.

But of course he was. Clearly, that was his type. High maintenance brats that had him wrapped around their little fingers.

He sunk down the bed a little further, so he and Sicheng were lying, the younger nestled against his chest. He pressed a soft kiss to Sicheng’s hair, arm tightening around his slim waist.

"I meant what I said before. I really am in love with you."

Sicheng’s heart skipped a beat. It meant the world to him when Jaehyun had said that before, but that was in the middle of sex. He wasn't exactly going to tell Sicheng’s to fuck off when he was balls deep, on the verge of coming.

But this...this was different. It was like they we're totally sober. Like he _knew_ Jaehyun meant it because he had already gotten what he wanted. He didn't have to make things up just to get in Sicheng’s pants - not that Jaehyun _ever_ would, he was pretty sure of that. It was just...this seemed so _real._

"Same..." Sicheng craned his neck, looking up at his boyfriend. His _boyfriend._ Who he had just _made love_ to. "I'm in love with you too."

Jaehyun’s lips were on his in a second; catching him in a deep, honest kiss. Sicheng could barely believe his luck. How the fuck he got here was still a mystery to him. He had Jaehyun. _Jaehyun Jung._ The model he had been obsessed with for years. And he was his boyfriend. _Jaehyun’s boyfriend._ And to top it all off, in just a few hours they'd be joined by their other boyfriend - Sicheng’s first true love - when he got back in from work, and no doubt would be able to resist waking them both up so he could slide in between them for mid-dusk cuddles.

He shifted slightly, trying to inch his way up the bed to get even closer to Jaehyun, to kiss him back with just as much vigour, but it only made his boyfriend chuckle lowly before pulling away, his eyes fixed on his own thigh, and the trail of slick Sicheng was leaving against his skin as he moved.

"You're going to use this to drive me crazy, aren't you?"

"Does it seriously turn you on that much?" Sicheng giggled, rocking his hips against Jaehyun’s thigh ever so slightly. He was already so sensitive from coming twice already he couldn't help but whimper at the sensation.

His lips curled up as Jaehyun’s cock twitched. Fuck. There was no way they were rolling over and going to sleep straight away tonight. Now he had had a taste of how good sex could actually feel, he needed more. Already.

He took Jaehyun’s cock in his hand, cooing at the way his boyfriend hissed at the contact. Cute.

He pressed a fleeting kiss to his boyfriend’s lips, drawing back, leaving him wanting more before smirking.

"I'll take that as a yes then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would just like to note that a) I DO NOT condone Sicheng and Doyoungs actions in regards to having pineapple on pizza! that is straight up WRONG and b) i understand this may not be an accurate portrayal of sex for every transgender man, but i have researched into this, as well as having talked to trans guy friends of mine to get insight into their own experiences, so this is very much based on that. dysphoria and hormones affect people in a number of different ways, and this just so happens to be how it affects sicheng (and 🐸, u know who u are 💖 thank u ily)
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) if u have any questions!! i also have a [ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/lowkeyamen) uwu  
> i hope u all enjoyed this chapter xo


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